I am absorbing stupidity like a sponge.

I hate feeling like this. I hate all this negativity around me because it's everywhere! I hate that some of the people that I have to surround myself with are too blissfully ignorant to know any better. What's even more sad is they don't care to change their ways or even hear or try alternate experiences. I hate that the only thing I can do is smile ~ because as my cousin Stefanie says, "it fools everyone". Obviously the best advice I can follow for the time being. Honestly, I don't care to change them, but I really wish they were not so judgmental and dismissive.

I hate that my blogs sound so negative. Home is supposed to be the one place that is my oasis of sanity yet I'm surrounded by negativity when I get here. I can't get away from my dad unless I leave the house, and seriously, why should I have to leave home? If I leave the room, I can still hear him watching TV too loud, and ALL he does is watch TV. When he actually does interact with my mom and I, all he does is make faces and complain. I always make it a point to ask him if he ever says anything nice? All he does is gives me a look of astonishment.
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When I look at him watching TV and try to talk to him while he happens to be zoned out, I'm constantly reminded of this dinner last year when my parents came to rescue me from Sam. The four of us were just sitting down to eat ~ enchiladas or something. Everyone except my dad helped contribute to the meal process. (Why? Because as he said, he's a Man, and he was too enthralled in his novella. Guess real men can watch them, right?).

My mom cooked, I cleaned, Sam grated the cheese and did stuff with the avocado's. See real men do help. My dad never physically abused my mom though, unlike Sam, so at least for that I'm thankful. Whatever, Just had to add that. Dunno why. Anyway, everything is on the table, the four of us sit down. My dad is facing the TV. I turn it off. Sam and I didn't watch TV @ the table while eating. My dad got upset. The TV got turned back on. He zoned out again. I threw corn chips at him. He didn't even notice. As funny as it was at the time, it still makes me sad that he zoned out his grown child tossing corn chips at his head.
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Sam constantly verbally put me down about behaviours I had. I was, and still am really good at zoning things out when I focus on something. I understand that alot of the flaws I had and still have all stem from my dad. I don't know how to feel about it either. It's like should I be grateful that now since I'm back in the homefront, I can see this and learn and understand, or or or what?? I can't change my dad. He is who he is. My job is to care about me. Obviously pointing out that he's negative to his face isn't productive, I'm as a loss as to what to do, other than just DEAL with it.
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Not only is negativity here at home, it's also at work. People I'm supposed to respect, I don't ~ because they have dismissive and negative opinions on nearly everything. (Another behaviour that Sam would constantly berate me about.) He always wanted to know why I as so negative. Not only was it because ~ as I see now, was I the product of my environment ~ but on top of that, Sam was the ONE person in the world that I was supposed to be comfortable BEING ME around. Sadly, I couldn't, because when I was being ME, I was punished to feel that my upbringing was too primitive and antagonistic, like he was too good for me, but he would never tell me that to my face.

So for the past six years I lived a lie. I always wondered why when Sam gave me every privilege, every material possession, every comfort imaginable ~ WHY was I so unhappy? Because in order to maintain them I had to betray who I truly was, and in the end I could no longer lie to myself. I looked out the windows of my beautiful home every morning, and sometimes cried about why could I not enjoy it. I constantly asked myself WHY did I cringe everytime I had to look at him? Because he hated me for being me, and I hated myself because he hated me. And that is why I left.
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Why did I write that? Therapy. I can't keep my feelings inside. I don't even know why I brought Sam up. Maybe cause I'm STILL not over my sudden departure from my old life. I know I'm not holding on to any feeling for Sam, as I said, I couldn't even look at him without contempt, but maybe I am longing for the luxuries and privileges that my old life had.

That's not to say that I won't get them all back. But it's difficult to be where I am knowing it's my choice to be here (to an extent) and it's something I have to tackle, deal with, control, learn from and move on. I'm an american though ~ and be cause of that I feel obligated to not have to do all the hard work of struggling. I want instant gratification with little to no work. Yes I know ~ nothing worth having is ever easy.
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Back to the coworkers. A majority of them are, or at least seem to be very pleasant people. The rest, they're all negative. I told my mom when I started that I wouldn't tell them anything they didn't need to know. My work philosophy is not to get involved with any of them outside of work. At work, it's also come to some peoples attention that, their words, not mine: "She's a smart one!" I'm constantly getting compliments that any questions I DO happen to ask are intelligent, they say I follow thru with stuff, I go above and beyond, I'm well spoken... etc etc blah blah blah

Whatever. It's all fake. The only reason I'm doing all those things is because I need to pass time to get my ass outta this crap town. Again. Smile, it fools everyone. Thanks Stefanie.

The first week I started, I was given a marketing project and given 4 days to complete. The artwork was pretty much all provided. I had to come up with a few slogans and catch phrases, but most of the wording was also provided. All I really had to do was play with the fonts, make it look catchy, and adjust the layouts. As I've said, any monkey coulda done it. Well any monkey with a background in page layout. . . I finished my project, slightly ahead of schedule and now all my flyers fill the garbage cans all around town. Go Me!

So that's when the praises started flying, because not only did I do the marketing girls job, but I was doing MY job too AND I'm the NEW girl. Today right before I left work, I was handed yet another marketing project: Web Content for an existing web site. Now, after I was given this project, from the CEO himself, did the marketing girl come up to me and SLAM what she had done on my desk. As she walked away, she snipped "I'm sure you will figure it out."

Wow. I didn't purposely step on her toes. But the CEO pissed in her cornflakes yet I feel I'm gonna get the flack and abuse for this. Just what I need. The marketing girl I actually liked, but what's a girl to do? I mean, it's not my fault she can't stay on top of her projects and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to purposely jeopardize my work on this just so she can get back in his good graces. If anything maybe she will get so catty that when when it is time for me to hit the road, I can use her behaviour as my excuse.

I dunno, but I'm tired of writing.

Wildlife @ work

Originally uploaded from flickr.

So here I am at work today and just as I was about to go to lunch I see this crazy wild bird just outside the dark tinted glass door. I grabbed my camera and shot about 15 shots of this roadrunner before I decided that he wasn't gonna go anywhere unless I opened the door.

So slowly, I open the door and the roadrunner cocks his head at me, takes a few steps back and pecks at the ground ~ like I was a threat. Can you believe that little bugger? Even the animals here are cocky. As I stepped towards him (cause he was in front of my car) he scurried off.

So I got in my car and headed off to enjoy my lunch with my parents. When I got back to work I mentioned the road runner. The ladies there said it wasn't unusual to see goats, sheep and even horses. Funny it reminds me of that time I saw a rooster just hanging out in front of my moms fence.

I GOT TO COOK TODAY!!!!!

After a month of not being able to cook, I finally got a chance today to ~ as they say ~ get back in the kitchen. My mom had to go to the market and restock the fridge, so I asked if I could go with her when she went shopping. She waited until I got home then off we headed to H.E.B.

I walked up and down the isles picking up some of my favorite fruits and when she asked which veggies I thought were best, I gave her my opinion.

We got to the meat section and I sniffed but smelled no oceany fishie goodness, though I did see a counter where there were still people that were working. As I got closer, I saw they DID have fish ~my heart started racing, I wondered if it was going to be the boring fresh water stuff, or was I going to get lucky and find some treasure. As I stepped closer I saw several options when it came to salmon, but I just wasn't really in a salmon mood. I saw all kinds of shrimp, but I didn't want to mess with picking out a wine for scampi, then I saw it: not only Tuna, but ALBACORE TUNA!!!!

That was it!!! My mind was made up, I was gonna modify my recipe for seared tuna and make seared albacore. (like that was a real stretch). I couldn't quite remember what was in the ingredients and I knew Mannie was still sleeping, so I called the next best person: Adam.

He picked up the phone, I asked if he could get to my blog from work. He could. I asked if he could find my tuna recipe and tell me what I needed to get at the store. He did. We said our love you's and miss you's and went back to our days.

I found my mom again, we filled up the rest of the cart and went to pay. Total cost for my meal; less than $15.00 and it took me less than 45 mins to prep, cook, and eat the whole thing. And it was SOO worth every penny.

But the topper is, I don't think my mom knows she ate raw tuna!!!! I won't tell her until tomorrow, that way she can't make up some hypochondriac illness. I mean, she loved it, and she kept going for the green sauce (which I forgot to add the sugar too, but it didn't need it, it was SOO good).

Since it was albacore tuna though, I'll need to sear it for less time next time. The meat was an insey bit dry and a wee bit salty. I blame the saltyness on the light pink color though, since the salt seemed to blend in with the pale pink color of the tuna and I just kept churning my salt grinder lol. I'll sear it for 1 1/4 mins though next time instead of my usual 2 minutes per side ~ maybe then it won't be so dry. It was still mouth watering good though. I've not eaten this good since Manny and I last ate together. I miss our meals.

Years ago, I bought my mom a calphon pan, she STILL has it, still uses it on occasion, and today I used it to make my tuna... As Adam said, gotta be like Gir, and 'MAKE ROOM FOR THE TUNA'.

I wish I could eat this good every day. I really miss having my own kitchen. I was too lazy to take pix, not to mention there just isn't room in this kitchen for it, but the old pix and blog are here.

Sweet little favors.

So where I work, I've been doing these ongoing marketing projects and while doing these, I've had the pleasure of finding more apple users in town. I was talking to the reprographics guy and mentioned my little apple issue and how my power cable was on back order until early next month. . . Well imageing my surprise today, when he sent over a box of my designs and in that box was an apple power cable!!!

When I saw that, I was sooo happy! I went home for lunch today, grabed my laptop (and to my surprise it actually turned on with very little effort) It did take forever to charge up, because I had exhausted the battery since I was not able to properly shut it down on my last use. I'm just soo happy that I'll be able to finally use it again!!! I'm gonna have to get me a wireless router for my moms place really soon (since I'm such a geek, I'm gonna need it later anyway ~ might as well get it outta the way).

Wow, I can even go back to the coffee shops and hang out there again. I miss people watching tho really, what's there to watch here? That was something I couldn't really do when I was relying on Panera and Jupiter House for 'free' wi-fi since when I was there I was concentrating more on internet content and time rather than just my usual people watching.

Who cares, the good news? I can blog in BED!!!

Not only did the clouds I saw today have a silver lining but…

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while, well at least weather wise. It got to a high of 83 and the wind/breeze was great. I can't remember the last time I went running, but it had to have been in December or at the latest January before this cold stretch of a month settled in. To top that off, running when you're sick can sometimes make you feel worse and I didn't want to take that risk. Anyway, before I left work today, I decided that today was going to be the day I head to the track and run around in circles again. I got home, took off my work clothes and changed into my running gear, then jumped back into the car and headed to the track.

When I got there, I was alone except for the occasional group of baseball players walking back to the gym to change. First thing I did was do a really quick warmup lap around the ¼ mile ~ easy enough. Next I ran about three solid laps before I realized I forgot all my 'essentials' such as my sweat bands, my mini towel, my bubble gum and of course first thing I noticed missing was my iPod. Though after today, this is the first time I think I've ever run sans iPod and minus a partner that I could actually *think* about stuff and just take it all in.

I ran and walked for about 30 minutes before I decided that pushing myself after a long hiatus might not be a good thing. (the worst feeling is the days after when you want to just SIT down and it hurts to do that ~ toilet anybody??) I did however decide to do 5 sets of 10 lunges, and boy my legs were BURNING afterwards!!! They were burning so much I could actually see red splotches on my them. I know that's gonna be some pains I'ma feel tomorrow. After all that pain wears off (and I continue to do my lunges) I'm gonna have me some bitchin' legs, which I can't wait to show off in my platforms and short shorts :)

I actually found a scale this past weekend and weighed myself and I liked the numbers I saw WITH my clothes on, shoes included. Now all I gotta do is start melting off all the excess, which will help once I get my running routine down. I can't wait.

Anyway, as I ran lap after lap then started my walking cool down, I looked over to the west. There in the distant I saw these clouds with not a silver lining but a GOLD one. It was so beautiful! It makes me wish I had my camera, so starting tomorrow I'm gonna start carrying it around with me again. By the time I got home, the lining was gone and the sun had already made its departure for the day.

I can't wait til tomorrow. I gotta see if there is a track near work, so I can go there first before coming home.

Intelligent conversation

I miss it, I really do. I have my cousin who I can talk to, but getting him to have a conversation over the phone is damn near impossible. I don't blame him though, in all honesty I don't care to talk on the phone either ~ unless it's to friends or family that I don't have the remote possibility of seeing face to face. Even then, I get tired of holding the phone or worse my headset runs outta juice. I get even more annoyed when I get my cel phone bill and I've gone over or am close to running over my minutes. Lucky for me, most of my chatty friends are on the same network as me.

When it comes to IM's ~ I get a bit flustered here as well. Sometimes one party gets more into the conversation than the other, or one has other things going on such as one handed web browsing, working, cooking, family or what have you. The other thing; I type, think, and talk so fast that sometimes when it comes to IM's if you try to actually read my train of thought none of it makes sense even though it did when my hamster wheels were churning out the ideas.

Then there is txting. To be honest, I really really really, I mean really HATE txting. It's been around since 2000 with BREW and SMS (if not before then ~I just remember working with my beta BREW capable cel phone and thinking I was hot shit with my POS plastic celly that couldn't make calls for beans, but I could send txt messages all over San Diego!!). Before then actually because of IM's, us Gen-X geeks just wanted a way to be more treky and have SMS on our cel phones. Actually it's just one more way to be unreachable, if you want honesty.

Which brings me to this. It seems here in this metro area, people have to resort to using txt messaging because they're not allowed to use their cel phones at work, much less their work phone to oh I dunno, say call somebody and ask them to do some simple task. Instead, you have to fumble around with this tiny keypad that sometimes auto says what it thinks you might be trying to say. The other thing is it sometimes takes longer to type out what you WANT to say than it does to actually call the person and get your point across. Why go thru all that trouble?

Another thing, I've upped my plan to the 'unlimited' plan. Yea, unlimited my ass. It's unlimited to everyone on my network, NOT to people outside of my network. I only get 500 messages when it comes to them!! WTF is this? All my network friends usually pick up the phone and call me, or better yet IM me. All my new friends and friends on other networks have txt messages flying to my phone all day long. Which brings me to the point of the 500 'unlimited' txt's. That includes sending AND receiving!!! Which means I really only have 250 'unlimited' txt's, especially if I want to reply to somebody. It makes my head spin. To top that off, once I go over my limit then it's ten cents per txt. I'm sorry, but I don't care enough to add up paying for silly txts that say "Yea!" Seriously, pick up the phone and call me, or better yet don't be surprised when I call you.

Back to the intelligent conversation part. Here I am stuck in hicksville hell, I really hate it here and staying positive is getting harder and harder as days go by. I've given up on trying to go out and have a social life here because there isn't much to chose from. I've been told for as long as I can remember that I'm unapproachable, though the Boomhauer's of the social scene just keep persisting on trying. I have yet to find a Boomhauer that can actually form a coherent sentence much less keep my interest before he unwillingly shows me his flaws and I write him off.

As for the women, the ones I would be interested in hanging out with, I work with and I have a pretty strict rule when it comes to hanging with the coworkers, don't date them, don't hang with them, don't trust them. They're coworkers and they'll stab you in the back!! The only exceptions to this rule were Ally and Rachel and only cause they were in different states :). But anyway, I can't find a chick to hang with that isn't interested in shopping, their children, themselves, or that I can talk to about stuff I can relate to. Why is this so hard?

I'm far away from all my chicky cousins ~ and I'd rather go shopping and talk about chicky things with them anyway. The only problem is they're all four plus hours away. My mom is more interested in sleeping most of the time and I can't talk to her about world issues or current events. It's all very frustrating.

Don't even get me started on my dad. His negativity is really starting to rub off on me again and I spent years trying to get rid of it. I think I finally actually DID get rid of all that negative baggage when I came back home to the negative nest. Here I am in a rut again catching myself with these negative thoughts and cursing my dad because he does it without even thinking that he does it. The only difference is I know I'm doing it, yet I still do it. I swear the man NEVER EVER says a nice thing about ANYTHING. I catch myself leaving the room now when he does talk just because I don't want to hear his criticism anymore.

The only problem is, I don't have anywhere to go. I'm a fucking adult but I feel like a kid because I go hide in my room. It just proves that no matter how much you change, things still stay the same. I hide in my room because I don't know how to make him understand that his negativity just makes him look like a bitter, angry, complaining man. It makes him look like his mom, my grandma that I couldn't stand. She was also an angry, bitter, mean, alcoholic and cruel person. I guess the only positive thing I can say about my dad is at least he wasn't an alcoholic, at least he didn't cheat on my mom, at least he and my mom are still together after 36 or so years. That's more that I can say about a lot of people and their relationships. At least they can still sit together and have dinner, despite all his complaining, they can still laugh and speak in their own couple language together. Which also goes to further my isolation and wish I had somebody to have an intelligent conversation with.

I know this is only temporary, but right now every thing seems to have slowed to a crawl. The only option I have right now is to wait it out. The first chance I have to jump ship though, you can bet I'll be the first one out of the boat. As they say, nothing worth having is ever easy. But what did this have to do with having somebody to talk to?

Eating out.

I swore off McDonalds at one point years ago, but yesterday being valentines day and my mom having to work, my dad wanted to go eat with her. How sweet huh? Too bad one of the few options with her time limits was McDonalds. I was very apprehensive of their limited menu choices, knowing that no matter what I ordered, NONE of it was gonna look like the pix on the menu, not to mention it would all be room temperature in a matter of minutes.

Mom said she wanted whatever burger had mayonnaise on it, which I ordered and of course supersized. The only reason I did that was because I only wanted the french fries ~ hey, I've been a good girl diet wise ~ why not splurge. Besides, my mom was gonna want some fries too.

Anyway, as I sat there stuffing my face with french fries, halfway thru my meal I feel that gross gut bomb feeling that I always feel after eating fast food. Sadly, I ignored it and kept eating.

Today, mom tells me she has to work late again today. So again my dad and I head to McDonalds, again I order my fries. Today after I ate my fries and ketchup, I feel disgusting. It's almost like that movie that came out years ago: Super Size Me where Morgan Spurlock barfed out his car window after eating at McDonalds, except I didn't. I felt like I wanted to though.

I really miss eating and cooking with Manuel.

I gotta also comment on that 'healthy' menu option they have. If you know what I'm talking about, it's the granny smith and red apples with the yogurt, grapes and walnuts. My dad opened up his fruit, ate it slowly. I sat there watching his apples. After about 20 minutes I said aloud 'Ok seriously, WHY is this fruit not turning brown?' My mom gave me a funny look, looked at the apples then she too wondered the same thing aloud.

Being a cook, you know that most of the time in order to stop any fruit from browning, you just pour a little citrus on it and that works fine. However it STILL turns brown. These apples never changed colors. Something is WRONG. I swear when I die, those apples are still gonna be sitting in my tummy.

Kinda reminds me of this one time last year, I decided to clean out my car and under my car seat I found a, can you guess, a McDonalds french fry. You will not believe me unless I had pix, but I don't this time sorry. Anyway, this fry, I kid you not, looked EXACTALLY as it did the day I ordered it. This was LONG after I swore off McDonalds, and Teresa and I stopped eating in my car at least five years prior to me finding this miracle french fry.

I was disgusted then too, I was disturbed that there was NO sign of mold WHATSOEVER on this fry. It didn't even attract lint to it, no in a car full of carpet, WHY did it not have lint on it? I'd hate to think what it does to your stomach and the acids that try and break food down. And just think, I had french fries two days in a row. No wonder it feels like I have a gut bomb.

These fries are like tanks. You wanna kill off a civilization, send in McDonalds french fries.

Ever have one of those days?

I woke up today a bit more tired that usual, not from lack of sleep but it seems there is this incessant bug that I just can't seem to shake. Off and on for the month of January I've had this feeling of weakness or it seems I've been drained or just plain tired. On top of that I've had several fevers, a cough that I just can't shake and today my throat started to hurt again. I thought it went away by Sunday night, but today it returned again. Damn these viral infections. I'm thinking I need to go to the doctor again even though I'm not crippled sick; it's probably better to go in for preventive maintenance rather than let this catch up and knock me back down again, right?

It doesn't help that today is Valentines Day. I've received my share of sweet little text messages wishing me a happy day, and sent my share too. The CEO of the company I started working for ordered ½ dozen roses for all the ladies, so I have some pretty flowers on my desk. To top that off everyone is sharing sweets; you know the traditional chocolates, cakes, cookies etc. I don't usually indulge in these savory goodies myself, but if they are there I will consume them. So not long after eating the sugar overload ~ my body goes into toxic sugar shock and there I was at work, with a headache and feeling like all I wanted to do was crash.

Kinda reminds me of when I first moved to the city and lived with my aunt. Their families' diet is so much different that mine, full of beef and there is plenty of sweets to eat around the house. I kept wondering why I was so tired and then it hit me one day. I don't normally eat THAT much sugar, hence the always being tired and crashing.

Here’s to new starts.

I've had severe writers' block recently. Not because I don't have anything to write about but because I think that there are certain people out there that need to move on with their lives but somehow, they seem to keep tracking me down. (despite all the *new* accounts I've made) I have no real proof of this but there are just some strange coincidences that keep happening and I can't think of anybody malicious or crazy enough to do them except one person. Am I full of myself? Maybe. I refuse to let them get to me though. I mean, people keep telling me not to take things personal and I've given the advice myself countless times to people I love to also not let things get to them. So I just need to go with the flow. I can't stop them from being crazy. I can't help that they can't let the past go, but I have. I did let it go, I have moved on and I have no plans on looking back, much less going back.

With that being said, I'm back at my parents house ~ temporarily. I called a staffing agency about two weeks ago, applied online, then went to meet them in their office face to face. It was a Friday and they said everything on my resume looked good. Yea I've heard that before. Monday the staffing manager called me and asked if I was able to interview the next day. Sure. I get all the necessary info, trek over to their office, do all the formalities when I'm asked to come in the next day for a second interview.

I'm thinking to myself, why can't I talk to her today? But whatever, I agree to it and that's that. The next day I dress up again and trek over to their office again and after this interview I'm asked if I can start immediately!! Woah!! Excuse me?

I had already made plans for that morning but sure I could start after I got my stuff taken care of. Basically, I've been there a week already and no surprise just like the last admin job I took they found out rather quickly that I'm over qualified for what I'm doing so they assign me a project and asked me to have it done today.

I finished my project before I left work today and had the final print in the appropriate hands. Too bad they were not in the office to see it. Isn't that always the case? Oh well, tomorrow morning or afternoon rather, I'll know for sure what they think of my work. One thing I know for sure they really have loved the drafts I've presented to them. All I keep hearing is how 'professional' it looks, which makes me grin ear to ear.

Maybe after I get the appropriate money cushion saved up, I can head back to the city and try my job hunt again. I mean after all I lowered my standards so it seems that I'm an inept invalid and any monkey can do the job of an entry level admin, but hey ~ if they're already that impressed with me here, I can get shining reviews for my next job, right?

I'm back online!

Hurray for me! My mom is wonderful for everything she's done and I have the internet again so I'm back online and should be able to get my life to some form of normalcy, like look for a job and harass people online thru IM's :) I'm having issues updating her PC, and hardly have the PC skills anymore since I can't even figure out how to update some of her stuff. That happens when you turn to the dark side. lol

So much crap has happened since late December I don't know if I can fit it all in. The main thing is I met someone, thought I might have lost them, and didn't. Yay me. My best friends came to visit for my birthday which was great, we had a blast and got to know all of the richy uptown area of the city and stuff our faces with fabulous food and walk it all off going to shows and galleries. Woo. I miss culture. I miss my buddies even more.

Then I got sick and had to go to the ER then got banished cause I was too sick to really stay anywhere much less take care of myself, and couldn't stay where I was without getting Mannie sick too (which still happened), so I was banished to my moms house until I recover. Lets just say I was sick for about 20 days. Ick. Even with antibiotics, I was still hacking up my lung and blowing brain bits out my nose. Not good. After all my sickness badlyness my laptop died too. Crap, could my world get anymore crappy? Well it didn't really die, but the power cable decided to start smoking in the coffee shop, the laptop itself (I think) is fine.

So if you know anybody that wants to donate a power cord, send them my way.

Then it turns out I might *still* have a stalker. Yuck. I have no proof of this but some strange things seem to keep happening to me and it really makes me wonder if they will ever give up and leave me alone. I mean seriously, do you really have that much time on your hands? Sometimes its hard not to take things personal, but it's great when people I love turn around and use my own advice against me.

I thought it might have been my own family turning against me, but do any of them really care THAT much to be SO mean? In addition to that, that blog almost pretty much was excluded from the prying eyes of family members, just to see the reaction. But whatever. If you think I'm being cryptic, I am. I'm feeling too much stuff: Happy I got my internet back. Hope that I might actually find a job, despite the distance I am from where I want it. Anger because I feel like somebody out there really wants to manipulate me. Frustration because things are not happening fast enough. I could go on, but on top of feelings, I'm also cold. And I just want to crawl into bed with my snuggle cat Cinders. She'll always love me, as long as I feed her :)