3 minutes

take three minutes to write about the good things in your life

my dvr and being able to watch pink panther repeats on Boom.
Cinders and how she comes up and snuggles with me at night, then how she wakes me up in the morning even if I don't want to get out of bed.
Having my grama, and being able to go see her and spend time with her, even if all we do is watch TV. My favorite part is talking to her and hearing her laugh. I love how she says shieldren (children).
Being able to call certain people and they know instantly that I'm not all together. Sometimes having that kind of support means more than holding hands.

time's up.

name 10 things

I’ve been letting my secret out of the bag a lot lately.

I’ve also been noticing that doors are being opened for me, some of them opened a while ago but I’m just now finding the courage to step thru and explore their possibilities.

I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and to make a few friends. Something that, as I’ve been told, for somebody that looks like me, making friends should be easy. In reality it’s incredibly difficult. Some of these new friends I’ve gone out with once or twice or hung out with on a more personal and intimate level. One or two have even welcomed me into their ‘families’ and to me that is the purest form of trust there is. Some I have found truly have the potential to have the ability to reciprocate a friendship and really do understand the meaning of non-judgmental listening and know how to offer advice in a way they know will be heard by me. Yet others seem to have ulterior motives and will remain at the distance I keep them, though they still have their place in my life.

I’ve even made friends with more than one woman, I’ll even be honest and say it’s closer to four. Wow. I consider this one of my great accomplishments this year. Considering that most of my life I’ve stayed away from female friendships because of my own irrationalies towards my own gender. Especially when it seems there are not many non-traditional women like me out there. Or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

There have even been the rare males that happen to pop in my life at the right time to replace (not that they can ever be replaced, maybe substitute) my two closest friends in San Diego. They truly have shown the capacity of friendship and have not tried to push those boundaries. (my fingers will remain crossed because I know the reality of those kinds of friendships).

I appreciate that I have people who care enough about me to listen and show me alternate ways of seeing situations as well as advice on how to pursue positive methods of overcoming and working thru my own perceived barriers and internal struggles.

My new friend Chris suggested to me last night as a way to appreciate my surrounding to write a list of 10 things that are positive in my life about “today”. He said that the list can start off with small things but over time the lists will become more meaningful. He knows I love to write and I love to take photographs, so what he suggested couldn’t have been more appropriate and personal.

I’m not sure I can make a list everyday, but it will be done here even if it’s the only blogging I do. I might even post them on flickr as well.

When do you stop thinking in terms of 'We'?

When does that point happen? I've been going thru my three flickr accounts and trying to merge them all into one and in doing so I've come across very powerful images. Some of them take my breath away, others make me smile and 'remember the times. . .' and still others make me extremely angry, sad, remorseful and what have you. I can't bring myself to delete them because they are a part of me, and just cause I delete them doesn't mean they didn't happen.

I've never been much of a sentimental girl, but I find myself looking at certain calendar days as being special in some way. As in this happened this day, or I was doing this on that day . . . or even worse: "I never imagined I would be here (as in HERE, where I am N O W) a year ago today!". I always thought there would be that stupid Cinderella Happily Ever After ending between us. A funnier feeling is the sense of dread I get such as one in that the world is going to end today because something happened back then. . .

I'm not ready to talk about my past to people that are trying to get close to me. I'm even more selective about people I talk to in general. Aside from writing about my past to random internet strangers, it's hard to even talk about it to people that ARE close to me without getting emotional. As stupid as it sounds, I keep wondering if I did do the right thing. I wonder if I could have left in a less traumatic way. I wonder if I really did do everything I could to 'make things work'.

Does that mean I haven't healed?

I only think about these things because when I talked to my dad last, we didn't tell each other "I love you!" before we hung up. I know why he didn't (and it's not cause of a fight, but sometimes people wear blinders or have tunel vision) but after hearing it for so long and being so accustomed to it, it felt weird not saying it.

It made me think that "What if that is the last time I talk to him? I didn't say I loved him."

Which for some reason has made me thing of the last time I left the other half of my then "WE" and it wasn't good. At the time I was content with the departure, now I'm not so sure. It's not like I can take it back or ask forgiveness, but it's there, it's done and can never be undone. I don't know if it's shame or atonement I feel yet it is constantly on my mind as of late.

Even when referring to the old "we", I'm very careful about saying "the ex" "my ex" "my then BF" or any other past tense phrases to new people. I just say "my friend". It sounds better. I don't sound like a broken half of an old couple. People don't ask questions about the friend they way they would about "the ex" and better yet, they don't give me that LOOK of PITY.

This is me, a year ago today taken by the other half of that "We". Who knew I'd be where I am now.

Am I putting my old "WE" on a pedestal that we no longer need to be on?

so yea,

It's been a week and I still have all these emotions going thru my head. My trip was uneventful and smooth. I spent 21ish hours driving from the wild wild west to wild wild west texas.

The cats did pretty good after I got out of San Diego so I let them out of the carriers and Fatty pretty much just found one place and didn't move from his location the entire trip. No pooping no drinking no eating, just sleeping. Good boy!!! Cinders on the other hand decided to run away twice in Yuma..... Where she was going only she knows but she gave it a good try, twice. After that I stuck her ass back in her kitty carrier and wrapped it in a blanket so she wouldn't get anymore crazy ideas.

In El Paso the wind decided to kick up and I'm not exaggerating here, seriously the wind was blowing about 60+ MPH. At the time I only estimated it to be around 40MPH.... But when I got knocked over just walking from my car to the cashier I knew something was up. Didn't matter, since the wind seemed to be pushing my car along.

Let's see, Fatty went back to his original mommy, I'm gonna miss his pretty eyes... His name reverted to Prince, but to me he's always gonna be Fatty. >^..^< Cinders is still with me. I feel bad for her since she's been stuck in one room or another for a little over two weeks now and she's used to having like 20+ hiding places. About the only place she has to hide now is under the bed and as soon as I walk in the room she gives up her hiding spot.

My feelings are still everywhere... One minute I'll be really happy and two minutes later I have tears welling up in my eyes. I'm thinking it's cause I've got way too much time on my hands here in San Angelo. You have no idea how boring it really is here..... My parents are internet-less, but they do have cable TV. I have no video games aside from my GBA and both of those games I've beaten...>< I did finally find an internet cafe so I no longer have to drive all the way to my aunts ranch just to use her DSL line.

Basically, I have no interest in going to a bar just to find some tobacco chewing cowboy. If you want to eat anywhere "nice" here they have like an hour wait... Hello!!! it's OLIVE GARDEN!!! The mall..... Dillards was nice. Movies... nah, not til I get some sort of income anyway, for now it's just frivolous spending. Basically I'm doing alot of sleeping and let me tell you I am WELL rested. I can't even take pictures cause everything out here is dead, plus I only have my film camera... not exactly 'free' like them nice shiny digitals.

Heh, so here I am whining about it.

Somebody slap me!!

In the meantime on Thursday I'm going to DFW finally. I'll be staying with family for a little while. Hopefully I'll find work quickly, hopefully something permanent.... and I can move out and give Cinders more than one room to roam in. Unless I get a studio / loft or as they're called out here... efficiency apartments lol. Then Cinders is still in one room, but at least she doesn't have to hide from the doggies or allergic people.

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm healthy, I am happier. I'm smiling a hell of a lot more than I was a month ago.

Which popped in my head.. I've been getting strange phone calls (2 of them) One was last week when I was driving @ 6am TX time.. from 'private caller'. Nobody answered. I got another call from the 858 area code... but they hung up before I even answered. I got a few IM's from random people too. But don't worry, I'm not gonna fall for it or respond to them. I just wanted to bitch about it.

I'm guilty of wanting too much too fast. It's my own fault I am where I am and it took me six years to get here. I hope it doesn't take six years to get out of this hole. I have a very long road ahead of me and from here it looks like it's all going to be uphill. It's funny though because I am setting small goals for myself, and while right now some of these goals seems trivial and simple they are very hard to accomplish.

Example? Well on my laptop when I moved here last time, I kept my time set on Pacific Time. As soon as I got here last week, the first time I turned on my laptop I changed the time and then I called my cousin and shared this information with him. This is what I mean by trivial goal. It was REALLY HARD for me to do this, I actually got emotional when changing my time zone and clock. Even when I told him about this I felt my voice crack, but I shook it off!!! :) He then proceeded to share with me some of his accomplishments with his moving on stages.

I still need to change my address. I hate pumping gas here, since my zip code is not local, I keep having to go inside to pay... /grumble

I'm lazy about changing it though since all of it is paperless. So I don't have to worry about my bills showing up at creepo's house. I should change them anyway for piece of mind....

Speaking of which, I just did it all online. Go Me!!

And another thing. I can't call any of the convenient Verizon phone numbers from here.... UGH!! So I paid my bill a few days late. Hopefully no late charge will pop up.

I wanna get my new license and transfer my car plates / insurance over here. That's gonna have to wait a little while though. Like prob a long while since the insurance was just paid in full this past July, and my license is good until 2009. But still having new shineys will be nice.

Blargh... these damn emotions. I want to get off this roller coaster!!!! See what I mean about these feelings?

I live inside my head.

I live inside my head.

This is a terrible place to be, cause I have no place to hide anymore.

Who am I hiding from? Everyone. What am I hiding from? Responsibility.

Not too long ago, actually a while ago, I made some horrible decisions, which caused me to make some more bad decisions, that caused me to run and hide, that just made things worse, and that made me make more bad life altering turns. By the time it was all over I had made such a mess out of everything and I knew it. I just didn't know, and I still do not know, how to clean my mess up.

Certain people will love you and take care of you no matter what. For some reason my life is filled with such people. Yet I don't believe in god. But why do I bring up god when I don't believe in the existance?

Earlier this year, very briefly, I think I was happy, but I don't know that now.

Before that, I thought I was chasing something that would make me happy, but thinking back on it, it was something that never would have made me happy.

Before then, I was compensated with items I thought I desired, but what I truly wanted was held just beyond my reach. No amount of jumping, no step stools, nothing could bring it closer, and I was too proud to beg for something I felt was a basic need, for something that everytime I turned around, was rubbed in my face was GIVEN away, without question.

That basic need is love. Sometimes I miss the items. I can't see love. I can't touch love. I can't smell love. Some people say you can feel love, but it's not something that you can put in front of you and say "Look, there it is, there is Love."

I made up my mind that I was going to run away, then something stupid happened, and I had a lunch date. Everything changed. And I was happy, briefly. Then I got a ride, and left. I gave up everything. I ran away from everybody. I ran away from what little life I had. I ran away from my brief happiness.

Now I am afraid of everything. Before I left I would justify that I could live my life the way I do anywhere. And the way I live currently is not a way to live, but many of this world have less than me, but manage their lives just fine.

I have this relationship that I am beginning to hate myself for having. I am starting to wonder who is leading who on. For my brief bit of happiness, I wonder if it was real or if it will ever be the same? or if it was a glimpse? was it a nitemare? was it a daydream? did I make it up? Did it really happen? Why did I have that lunch date? Why didn't I just leave things as they were run away as I originally planned?

Some friends, when I told them of my lunch date, they were angry and said some hurtful things. some where just angry but still wished for my happiness. Some friends loved me no matter what. But it's not my friends lives. It is my life. And I can't do anything except run away from it.

I bring up in my relationship, going home, or being a wife. And the subject is avoided. And I am reminded of having things out of my reach. It makes me angry.

And then I tell myself, "I am the one that ran away". But if i ran away, then why does he still want me? Why doesn't he sever things? Who is leading who on here? He asked me once, why did you never ask me to marry you. I feel like I am playing a game with him again. and he is playing it too. he is leading me on, he is holding things out of my reach, and I need to stop playing. cause I am getting tired, and I will never win. I keep chasing my tail in a circle, and when i stop to catch my breath he is secretly laughing at me.

I feel like the end of this year will come, and I will be in a deeper hole. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be rescued. I wonder if he will do it. I don't think I will win, ever.

I think it's time to walk away, because that happiness I had earlier was never meant to be mine. and he never had any intent to actually give it to me, he only wanted to hold it out and tease me with it. I don't have the energy for this game anymore. Because even if i knew the rules, nobody follows them anyway.