Why I really want to go to school.

I've had one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I've had a string of awesome days for the past year or so but today had to be one of the best.

One of those days that goes down in the memory books that's never forgotten, that's reminisced over when I'm chillin' out in my old lady bed with my old lady blanket and telling stories of "when I was your age..."

Started it off waking up before my alarm went off.
By an hour or more.

Surprised I didn't have a hangover from my cocktail diet of Tank & Tonics, Hot wings and Grama sippers. Nothing brings in Spring like that fresh mix.

Made my usual morning phone calls, got my bizness done. Did some Yoga. Took my shower and got ready for my heavily anticipated facial/makeover.

Today's the day I was officially induced into the Shu Uemora family of products. I am officially hooked. They have me for life.

After my makeover, I headed down to an old bar where I used to work to pick up some documents when I ran into one of my customers. She was as excited to see me as I was to see her. We hugged and shared some time together catching up on all the people we knew and all the changes that have happened to the bar in such a short period of time. It was great to see her, it's incentive to start dropping in on the crowd more often. She told me how much she missed me, which meant alot. She gave me her card and told me she was happy to see how happy I looked.

Unfortunately I had to cut our conversation short, I was running into less than an hour to get ready for work and I still had to go home and put on some real shoes. I hugged her again. She felt so good because she always gave me the impression that she was one whose hug you had to EARN. I hope to see her again sooner than the last time I saw her and made my exit.

Seeing her was like that unexpected rainbow. It's that tiny little tweak that makes your day extra special.

When I got home I dumped my shopping bags all over my bed and saw just how amazing I made out from my makeover. They stuffed my bag FULL of samples. Some of them even seemed full size.

I can't wait to dip my fingers in those honey pots!

Once I got to work people left and right were commenting on how I was GLOWING. Which then made me glow even more. Which in turn made me see more $green$. The girls and I had fun joking around all night. It seemed we never stopped laughing.

After my shift was over, five of us sat around and talked and talked and talked about girl stuff:: Birth control, nachos, fashion, we shared pictures of our Precious'es, talked about stripper poles, going shopping and then we started talking about makeup.

The redhead made her exit about this time leaving us down to four.

We talked about blending, about meeting up and my place and me doing and showing them makeup tricks. One of the ladies brings up her eyebrows, saying she had none.

I had never noticed, but when she did, I noticed. Her brow hair is so light that until she pointed it out ~ it never occoured to me because I never saw her that way. I've always seen her as someone who's respect I've worked very hard to earn and who I admire greatly. She's a breast cancer survivor and everything she does amazes me. I love her smile and when she says "Uh HELLO!!" and rolls her eyes up to the sky and wiggles her head. I love that about her!

So we all talked and teased about how easy it is to paint in a brow, but the brunette asked that she please not paint them in blue. All of us laughed. Ms. Survivor walked off briefly while the blond excused herself to go get her "closest to Mary Kay blond" pencil.

We all agreed that Ms. Survivor would soon be taking home a new pencil despite her saying her makeup routine is almost non-existant

Once we all regrouped we asked Ms.Survivor to pump up the lights so we could paint in her brows. I told her that her face was officially my first ever "make up" application and not to hold it against me too much if she wasn't too happy with the results.

As I painted on her browns, Blondie and Brunette looked on and started ooohing and awwwing. Brunette gave her a compact mirror and Ms. Survivor was impressed. I could tell she liked it because she got her sassy wiggle, even thougth she was tired. Even thougth her back hurt. Even thougth it's close to the end of a long day.

It's something as simple as that which is WHY I want to go to school and what really topped off the end to an awesome day.

Fuck off America, with all your weight obsession issues.

Now that I have that out of my system.. .

Over a year ago I really had no issues with swearing. I used to do it all the time and not even think about what I was saying. Then one man, my uncle Manuel said something indirectly to me, which for him was very subtle since he’s not really known for that. He said “Don’t you worry about what people think of you?” I had been told all my adult life “that girl has a mouth, watch out.” After his statement I stopped. Well that, and about two days later I was over at another uncle’s house with his grandchild and not even two year old Holden said “Shit!”. This coming from a child that didn’t speak much, if any words at all at that time.

It might have been cause of my swearing or his grandpas. Who knows. I pretty much cut back significantly after that. Today, if you talk to my new friends, they don’t know me as someone that would swear, much less say something negative about another person. It's nice to know they think of me that way.

Now I find it more satisfying to eviscerate someone without them knowing it. But back to the weight issues.

This morning, I went to check my flickr account. I saw some pix from one of my close buddies. She brought up some of her health issues and how she’s lost a few pounds. Sometime in August she came over and we both doodled all over me for a photo-shoot. I said something about my weight since essentially I was pretty close to nude, she retorted that she wished she had my curves. I said I wished I was as toned as she was.

Even though we are both considered healthy, as women we struggle with the same thing every other American woman has that inner conflict with: Body Image. No matter how great we look, it’s never good enough. She wants a little more weight, I want a little less. All of this because Britney Spears is Fat. . . All this because the glossy magazines plaster their covers with models that don’t even tip the scales at 90lbs. Never mind that they are over 5’10”. Nevermind that they claim to be putting real women on the covers… but not the super glossy ones. Yea it’s a step. But it’s not big enough. I know at in 10 years times will change and hopefully todays generation of little women may not have the issues we have today. Only time will tell.

I felt so sad reading her words because I feel that pain myself when I see my scale numbers rise. She’s gotta feel the same when her numbers go down.

On my way to work today, it seems that Eminem is back in the news again. We havn’t heard from him in a while. Speaking of people that swear too much. He also happens to be one of my heros, my inspiration, my role-model. What have you. I love his way with words, I love how he projects his anger and some of the more creative ways I tend to articulate come from him. So I was thinking that maybe he has some new music coming out.

Wrong.

No, they were bashing him for tipping the 200lb mark on the scales. They’re parodying his music Weird-Al style. Talk about me instantly seeing red. Here’s a man that about 8 years ago had some of the hottest abs out there, not to mention some incredible biceps and shoulders. Geez people he was in his mid twenties AND he was a struggling artist, of course he’s gonna be hot and fit.

I cant’ believe that after earning multiple Grammies, launching multiple new talented artists, these DeeJays focused on his WEIGHT!!!! What I find ironic is that DeeJay’s also are not known for their healthy lifestyles. Pot / Kettle anyone?

Get off his case America. Leave him, leave Britney, leave them all alone. Weight does not make a person talented.

Seriously. Get over it.

So I'm driving home today and the radio is again pissing me off. I get so desperate I start scanning stations. I hit the local reggaetón station and they were playing a song I could totally relate to. Now, if only I could live it.

Attack of the Exes!

I asked my close friend last night if she believes things happen in threes. She asked me to elaborate, and I while was reserved about asking her, I went ahead and asked her anyway. It's better to get your aprenhensions out in the open than let them fester inside and eat away at you.

Well, I didn't think about what was really bothering me until yesterday.

But really, it started about two weeks ago, I got a courtesy email saying that yahoo was removing their picture feature and focus SOLELY on flickr. They said I had pictures in an ancient account and they would be deleted on a specific day and my course of action was to move them before that catastrophic event happened.

Those of you that really know me know that I never delete photos, not the originals anyway.

I found the pix that somehow were saved in some strange place for some strange reason I never remembered storing, but I do remember having ~ I felt sick seeing them. They were nothing bad but it was definately not my best memories. Since I had this old account opened, I thought I would see who sent me emails, or if there was any interesting spam coupons.

I felt even sicker when I saw that there was an email from someone *IN* the pictures I had just looked at. The only consolation I got from reading the message was that *I* was the one that WON. That person broke their silence and contacted me, even though in our last conversation I expressed extreme interest that I never wanted to be contacted again EVER under any circumstances. It goes to prove that even though people come and go in your life ~ they never truly leave.

-----

Then after work two more incidents happened back to back.

First was waiting to meet up with someone at a specific time, while I was waiting I decided to check my regular email. There was another message, this time from a different Ex, this one being my ex-husband. Now the circumstances here are completely different. We actually get along and our split was a mutual one. While we are not in constant contact, we do keep each other up to date on any major change in each others lives. While that wasn't always the case, that's the way our paths cross now.

I last spoke with him around thanksgiving, he was just following up to see if I've landed on my feet. Seeing his message just showed me that he still genutely cares.

-----

While this next one doesn't really mean it's the third, it's still an encounter of some sort. Yesterday I was deleting pictures from my phone that had already been uploaded. I found one of another guy I dated earlier this year (thought I don't consider an 'EX' ~ he was just someone that I enjoyed spending time with, but it just wasn't going to work). I also posted the picture to my flickr account before deleting it.

My friend wanted to know the story of the picture, I told her, we laughed.

Yesterday, I was walking into a store, and I heard one of those loud VRROOMMMM car sounds. The sound made me giggle inside but I didn't bother to turn my head. In the store, I saw an the guy I dated earlier this year!!

I stopped dead on in my tracks, looked and verified it was him and turned and walked the other way. I paid for my stuff and as I was walking back to my car, I saw that it was his car that made those VRRROOOOM sounds.

-----

So things happen in threes. Does that last one count, or is there another email encounter in the works?

so yea,

It's been a week and I still have all these emotions going thru my head. My trip was uneventful and smooth. I spent 21ish hours driving from the wild wild west to wild wild west texas.

The cats did pretty good after I got out of San Diego so I let them out of the carriers and Fatty pretty much just found one place and didn't move from his location the entire trip. No pooping no drinking no eating, just sleeping. Good boy!!! Cinders on the other hand decided to run away twice in Yuma..... Where she was going only she knows but she gave it a good try, twice. After that I stuck her ass back in her kitty carrier and wrapped it in a blanket so she wouldn't get anymore crazy ideas.

In El Paso the wind decided to kick up and I'm not exaggerating here, seriously the wind was blowing about 60+ MPH. At the time I only estimated it to be around 40MPH.... But when I got knocked over just walking from my car to the cashier I knew something was up. Didn't matter, since the wind seemed to be pushing my car along.

Let's see, Fatty went back to his original mommy, I'm gonna miss his pretty eyes... His name reverted to Prince, but to me he's always gonna be Fatty. >^..^< Cinders is still with me. I feel bad for her since she's been stuck in one room or another for a little over two weeks now and she's used to having like 20+ hiding places. About the only place she has to hide now is under the bed and as soon as I walk in the room she gives up her hiding spot.

My feelings are still everywhere... One minute I'll be really happy and two minutes later I have tears welling up in my eyes. I'm thinking it's cause I've got way too much time on my hands here in San Angelo. You have no idea how boring it really is here..... My parents are internet-less, but they do have cable TV. I have no video games aside from my GBA and both of those games I've beaten...>< I did finally find an internet cafe so I no longer have to drive all the way to my aunts ranch just to use her DSL line.

Basically, I have no interest in going to a bar just to find some tobacco chewing cowboy. If you want to eat anywhere "nice" here they have like an hour wait... Hello!!! it's OLIVE GARDEN!!! The mall..... Dillards was nice. Movies... nah, not til I get some sort of income anyway, for now it's just frivolous spending. Basically I'm doing alot of sleeping and let me tell you I am WELL rested. I can't even take pictures cause everything out here is dead, plus I only have my film camera... not exactly 'free' like them nice shiny digitals.

Heh, so here I am whining about it.

Somebody slap me!!

In the meantime on Thursday I'm going to DFW finally. I'll be staying with family for a little while. Hopefully I'll find work quickly, hopefully something permanent.... and I can move out and give Cinders more than one room to roam in. Unless I get a studio / loft or as they're called out here... efficiency apartments lol. Then Cinders is still in one room, but at least she doesn't have to hide from the doggies or allergic people.

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm healthy, I am happier. I'm smiling a hell of a lot more than I was a month ago.

Which popped in my head.. I've been getting strange phone calls (2 of them) One was last week when I was driving @ 6am TX time.. from 'private caller'. Nobody answered. I got another call from the 858 area code... but they hung up before I even answered. I got a few IM's from random people too. But don't worry, I'm not gonna fall for it or respond to them. I just wanted to bitch about it.

I'm guilty of wanting too much too fast. It's my own fault I am where I am and it took me six years to get here. I hope it doesn't take six years to get out of this hole. I have a very long road ahead of me and from here it looks like it's all going to be uphill. It's funny though because I am setting small goals for myself, and while right now some of these goals seems trivial and simple they are very hard to accomplish.

Example? Well on my laptop when I moved here last time, I kept my time set on Pacific Time. As soon as I got here last week, the first time I turned on my laptop I changed the time and then I called my cousin and shared this information with him. This is what I mean by trivial goal. It was REALLY HARD for me to do this, I actually got emotional when changing my time zone and clock. Even when I told him about this I felt my voice crack, but I shook it off!!! :) He then proceeded to share with me some of his accomplishments with his moving on stages.

I still need to change my address. I hate pumping gas here, since my zip code is not local, I keep having to go inside to pay... /grumble

I'm lazy about changing it though since all of it is paperless. So I don't have to worry about my bills showing up at creepo's house. I should change them anyway for piece of mind....

Speaking of which, I just did it all online. Go Me!!

And another thing. I can't call any of the convenient Verizon phone numbers from here.... UGH!! So I paid my bill a few days late. Hopefully no late charge will pop up.

I wanna get my new license and transfer my car plates / insurance over here. That's gonna have to wait a little while though. Like prob a long while since the insurance was just paid in full this past July, and my license is good until 2009. But still having new shineys will be nice.

Blargh... these damn emotions. I want to get off this roller coaster!!!! See what I mean about these feelings?

a reason to celebrate

While it has not quite been one full week since I left it is still a mile stone. I survived the first day. Now I've survived the first week. My next celebration will be the first month. While I am not quite on my own, I am out of that horrible relationship and that is filling me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

With that said my car is all packed up. The cats are busy hiding from the carriers in the room and will eventually come out and smell them. The benadryl is also ready to be fed to them so I won't have to listen to their howls on this long trip.

I'm gonna take a nap for now and the next time I sleep in a bed will be in another state. I'll be ready to start my new life.

my feelings are everywhere

Don't you just hate that antsy feeling? That feeling you get when you have a plan and can't wait to get things rolling. I feel that right now. I've made up my mind about what I want to do and what I want out of my life; now I can't wait to get started.

I decided to leave tonight.

This past Friday I spoke to a recruiter in the DFW area and after getting off the phone with her I felt as high as a kite. Let me tell you even if nothing comes out of that conversation that we had, speaking with her gave me more HOPE than I've felt in a long time. I can't wait to get to DFW and start knocking down doors in their job market. That's assuming that I get a job, which is what I meant when I said in case our conversation never goes anywhere.

However this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I got another call on my cel from a recruiter here in the SD area. She had a job she was offering me and she wanted me to start TODAY!!! The pay that was offered was decent, but as I looked around the bedroom with my piles of *stuff* that looked like I was slumming because I have no place to put it except on the floor. I looked in the mirror at the towel wrapped around me that wasn't mine. I was overcome with anger that I had taken a shower in a stall that was not my own. I asked her if I could call her back in 5 minutes because I had no idea that anybody but Sam could make my blood boil so quickly.

I was angry with the recruiter that she called me a week too late. I was even more angry that I've been here five months and this was the FIRST offer I've had since I've been here. I was angry with myself for being wet and vulnerable and answering the phone from a number I did not recognize. I was angry with my displaced stuff on the floor in this bedroom of order and perfection. I was angry that my life is upside down and it's my fault for making bad decisions. Decisions I laugh about when I hear that strangers and fictional characters do the stupid things I am now guilty of.

Say it with me: hypocrite. Yep that me all right. Me.

I AIM'd a few people wanting their immediate feedback. I had already made up my mind to turn down the job, but I always want the reinforcement that I am about to make the right decision. I called the owner of the shower, but no answer and I remembered them telling me about going to the doctor. I also talked to my cousin and mom both of whom were in agreement to just 'come home asap'. One thing I have learned about myself just recently that if I am looking for feedback, it's a good sign. It's bad when I make a decision and tell nobody of it.

I gathered my composure and called the recruiter back. I politely thanked her for the offer and for considering me but that I was going to have to turn her down. I mean even if the job was for two weeks, I'm not going to get paid for at least three if not four weeks. I want to go home NOW. I'm tired of living the way I have been for the past week.

While I am thankful for the opportunity to say here in San Diego a bit longer just so that I can say my goodbyes to my friends, but I don't like this feeling of displacement. I don't like that I am not a "guest" like when you have friends that are visiting for the week and those friends will eventually go back to their own "home". If anything I feel like and I am an inconvenience to somebodys lifestyle.

I want to go home. I want to be with my family. I want to start over. I want to start recovering. I want to put this all behind me. I want to forgive myself for making such stupid decisions. I want to get a home where I can eventually sleep in my own bed or on my own couch and bath in my own shower stall. I want to just _________ (fill in the blanks cause I want to be in control of my own life!!)

But first I have to change the oil in my car and fill it up with a full tank of gas. I have to get more food for my kitties and litter too. Last I need to repack my car so it's as comfortable as can be for the long drive ahead.

I can't wait to get started. There is hope. I feel it.

rambling

I've been staying at my friends place since Monday evening and I knew when I started this new journey that this stop would be a short one, like really, really, really short. Like so short that I plan to hit the road on Tuesday (just not sure of WHEN on Tuesday) but Tuesday none-the-less.

But anyway I was given alternate options so that I could stay in San Diego longer, but I really do feel that my time here has long past it's expiration date even before this last Monday. Also judging by past experiences and the history of certain men in previous life, well I'll just say it bluntly: I don't feel safe here.

Both physically and because I have also been known to fall back into stupid old habits (so in this sense I don't feel safe from myself, because I always fell for his tricks). I don't physically feel safe because Sam is just a creep. I'm sure that he will use the people that he knows (people like his police friends) to track me down and find out where I decide to move to, that is if I were to stay here. He's harassed me on my cel and at work in the past. The man also know's how to pick locks. I'm not saying that I have proof that he's ever broken into my home before but he has invaded private information. I won't even bring up how his methods of finding out that stuff because those are pretty creepy stories themselves.

So here I am, just waiting for the harassment to begin. . . and the more time that passes the safer I feel. The more hope I feel that he will really leave me alone this time, because it was never ME that wanted him back, it was always him WANTING me back in HIS life. I overlooked too many things. I ignored too many signs

I feel the anger rising again, and this is supposed to be a blog about hope...

I would hope to think that after having lived thru so much emotional and physical pain and suffering that I know that no matter what kind of monetary compensation he *was* able to provide it never made up for what he couldn't give to me in a normal loving and emotionally nurturing environment.

Hopefully I will remember the pain of this relationship and FINALLY learn that "IT BURNS WHEN I STICK MY HAND IN THE FIRE". As opposed to the six or more previous times before when I always forgot the pain. I always ignored all other warnings and signs of impending doom that no matter how miserable I ended up that the shineys that I was compensated with somehow made up for it. I clung to those stupid shineys. Well I got no shineys to show for now. Those shineys were a low price to pay for the damage to my self esteem and the detrimental damage to my soul.

I thought of that when I was walking in Bed Bath and Beyond today when I realized that the world is moving on and it's yet ANOTHER christmas season and it's really not the end of the world. And as I walked up and down the isles I had a sudden urge for home made apple cinnamon and caramel cider. Well I'll be... Guess what? My cappichino maker that I've had for 14 years... Guess what? That's ALSO one of the victims of my tornado relationship. My capachino maker, it's GONE! So this year I'll have to settle for one of those crappy creations from Starbucks. Yuck.

I mean... YUM!! It will taste so much better knowing that I have a NEWER BETTER SHINIER capachino maker to go shopping for in the future (even if I *ONLY* use the damn thing around holiday season) and hey, it's 15 years old, I'm sure this new one will clean my counters for me or something, Right? psssht! dream on. or as the milky way girl would say "whatev!"

So there, that was a little bit of hope, and even a goal. Even if it is a material goal with no thought of any realistic priorities.

I had one person tell me that I should go and get my stuff back. But I don't want it, because if I have to deal with Sam again in anyway then he gets what he wants. He gets the attention from me. He gets the control. The more and more I think about the time that I did share with him, the man NEVER went out to do anything with anybody, ever.

He watched football at home, he never went over to *his buddies* to watch a game, never went out socially, ever. The relationship with his kid. . . I never understood. Because unless I probed him about spending time with her, she was never over and she NEVER told him about parent-teacher nights, which was funny because I knew when they were just by looking at her school calendars.

You might think that just by my writing that he's getting some form of control and attention, but If I don't document this in some way, then I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again. Yes I know I am complaining or feeling sorry for myself or venting or bitching, but my soul needs to throw up. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm so tired of not knowing why I'm angry much less where to direct my anger.... I'm so tired of being confused and wondering what I did to deserve this or worse if this is what I deserved. I'm so tired of holding on to this sickness. I'm so tired of being at the bottom.

I want to move on. I want to put this all behind me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to smile again. I want to be around people that love me for who I am. I want hope.

Do I have a point you ask? I started out with one, but I can't keep a straight thought in my head.

Is it that obvious? Glad it's not just me that thinks that.

Why is it so hard to make the RIGHT decisions?

Why is it that certain men choose to keep reliving the past? The past cannot be changed, so why bring it up? (the past I mean) I said I was sorry a year ago, but still, this man continues to relapse and bring up the past. Does he really think that something is going to CHANGE if he keeps bringing it up?

I admit it! I myself have relapsed to certain behaviours. BUT I am not in any way guilty NOW of what I have done in the past. Here's something, I always wondered if when I decided to move back to San Diego that I would be giving up ME, and you know what? I did. I have nothing and I'm the only one responsible for this.

This man claims that he can talk about anything and try to prove his point, he starts conversations about literally ANYTHING (which 9/10 times is something I have absolutely ZERO interest in, the other 1/10 times if I DO have an opinion on it, then my opinion is so obviously WRONG (to everyone in the room BUT ME) AND THEN he berates me for not THINKING like him!!!). He even take a further step to wonder WHY I isolate myself from him, but yet when the tinsey-wincy opportunities come up when I AM ABLE to socialize with other humans LIKE me then all of a sudden I am 100% more friendly or smiley or happy to some random stranger or to people I do let myself socialize with than I am to him.

My head is spinning and I am making myself so angry. Because NONE of what I just wrote makes ANY sense.

I believe that no matter what I do in my current situation I will always be wrong (at least according to him, because I just don't care enough to prove otherwise) and I wonder WHY I let myself live like this. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be happy!!! And I am NOT happy, not even CLOSE to happy right now. Why did I give up control? Am I just stupid? Yes. I am stupid for believing that things/situations DESPITE THE PAST FOUR OR FIVE TIMES that *I*, YES *I* HAVE LEFT HIM, IN THE PAST NOTHING CHANGES WHEN I COME BACK. Yet I STILL LISTEN TO HIS BULLSHIT AND COME BACK. You know what's even more sick? So do HE!!!!! He keeps thinking I will magically turn into something that I am NOT!!!! OMG we are BOTH FRACKIN' INSANE!!!

(I just want to bash my head into a BRICK, well maybe a soft brick cause I'm too pretty to have a brick mark on my forehead).I keep thinking *we* WILL change and I'll have some stupid magical happily ever after, but you know what, it's never gonna happen with HIM. I'll get my magical happily ever after, but right now it's time to just give up, walk away and not take it personal, and know I learned something from this.)

The reason I keep losing is because the he knows how to play this sick game and well, I just don't, and I don't want to learn the rules to it either, I don't even want to watch. He knows how to twist the truth to get his desired outcome. He knows how to say things to get what he wants.

He even admitted to me that he thinks he is smarter than most people. While he may be more intelligent, I belive that hes socially retarded! Why do I say such a horrible and ungrateful thing? Better yet, why do I think that it's horrible and ungrateful? Because he said that I am!! I might as well live up to his expectations. And that's not all he said about me, but I don't want to discuss that atm. But why did I say it? Because about 70% of the people out there think they are smarter than they are and 95% of that 70% are narcissistic.

Another thing: There are so many more ..things.. I can't get thru them all because I am just making myself more and more angry that I can't just make a decision and LEAVE and be done with it. Why can I sit there and give what I think is good advice, but I cant TAKE my own?

And another thing, WHY do I ALWAYS ignore problems because I know that when I ignore them, they turn into ugly monsters.

I live inside my head.

I live inside my head.

This is a terrible place to be, cause I have no place to hide anymore.

Who am I hiding from? Everyone. What am I hiding from? Responsibility.

Not too long ago, actually a while ago, I made some horrible decisions, which caused me to make some more bad decisions, that caused me to run and hide, that just made things worse, and that made me make more bad life altering turns. By the time it was all over I had made such a mess out of everything and I knew it. I just didn't know, and I still do not know, how to clean my mess up.

Certain people will love you and take care of you no matter what. For some reason my life is filled with such people. Yet I don't believe in god. But why do I bring up god when I don't believe in the existance?

Earlier this year, very briefly, I think I was happy, but I don't know that now.

Before that, I thought I was chasing something that would make me happy, but thinking back on it, it was something that never would have made me happy.

Before then, I was compensated with items I thought I desired, but what I truly wanted was held just beyond my reach. No amount of jumping, no step stools, nothing could bring it closer, and I was too proud to beg for something I felt was a basic need, for something that everytime I turned around, was rubbed in my face was GIVEN away, without question.

That basic need is love. Sometimes I miss the items. I can't see love. I can't touch love. I can't smell love. Some people say you can feel love, but it's not something that you can put in front of you and say "Look, there it is, there is Love."

I made up my mind that I was going to run away, then something stupid happened, and I had a lunch date. Everything changed. And I was happy, briefly. Then I got a ride, and left. I gave up everything. I ran away from everybody. I ran away from what little life I had. I ran away from my brief happiness.

Now I am afraid of everything. Before I left I would justify that I could live my life the way I do anywhere. And the way I live currently is not a way to live, but many of this world have less than me, but manage their lives just fine.

I have this relationship that I am beginning to hate myself for having. I am starting to wonder who is leading who on. For my brief bit of happiness, I wonder if it was real or if it will ever be the same? or if it was a glimpse? was it a nitemare? was it a daydream? did I make it up? Did it really happen? Why did I have that lunch date? Why didn't I just leave things as they were run away as I originally planned?

Some friends, when I told them of my lunch date, they were angry and said some hurtful things. some where just angry but still wished for my happiness. Some friends loved me no matter what. But it's not my friends lives. It is my life. And I can't do anything except run away from it.

I bring up in my relationship, going home, or being a wife. And the subject is avoided. And I am reminded of having things out of my reach. It makes me angry.

And then I tell myself, "I am the one that ran away". But if i ran away, then why does he still want me? Why doesn't he sever things? Who is leading who on here? He asked me once, why did you never ask me to marry you. I feel like I am playing a game with him again. and he is playing it too. he is leading me on, he is holding things out of my reach, and I need to stop playing. cause I am getting tired, and I will never win. I keep chasing my tail in a circle, and when i stop to catch my breath he is secretly laughing at me.

I feel like the end of this year will come, and I will be in a deeper hole. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be rescued. I wonder if he will do it. I don't think I will win, ever.

I think it's time to walk away, because that happiness I had earlier was never meant to be mine. and he never had any intent to actually give it to me, he only wanted to hold it out and tease me with it. I don't have the energy for this game anymore. Because even if i knew the rules, nobody follows them anyway.