3 minutes

take three minutes to write about the good things in your life

my dvr and being able to watch pink panther repeats on Boom.
Cinders and how she comes up and snuggles with me at night, then how she wakes me up in the morning even if I don't want to get out of bed.
Having my grama, and being able to go see her and spend time with her, even if all we do is watch TV. My favorite part is talking to her and hearing her laugh. I love how she says shieldren (children).
Being able to call certain people and they know instantly that I'm not all together. Sometimes having that kind of support means more than holding hands.

time's up.

I knew I couldn't do this everyday.

Right now I really am having great issues with my lack of drive, focus and caring about anything. The only way to get thru it for now is these lists. So here it is for today.

01. The people in SoCal that I care about are all Ok as of this blog.
02. I was able to find some warmer shoes for the fall.
03. I got some bills out of the way.
04. Cinders is a very good alarm clock.
05. I still have a job where they don't care about watching the clock as long as your work is done.
06. I got free lunch today because the power went out, and stayed out.
07. I finally got to hang out with MK again, and true to tradition I fell asleep again.
08. I got over myself, put aside some past issues and picked up the phone.
09. I have a family that really is wonderful.
10. My bed is really comfortable.

name 10 things

I’ve been letting my secret out of the bag a lot lately.

I’ve also been noticing that doors are being opened for me, some of them opened a while ago but I’m just now finding the courage to step thru and explore their possibilities.

I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and to make a few friends. Something that, as I’ve been told, for somebody that looks like me, making friends should be easy. In reality it’s incredibly difficult. Some of these new friends I’ve gone out with once or twice or hung out with on a more personal and intimate level. One or two have even welcomed me into their ‘families’ and to me that is the purest form of trust there is. Some I have found truly have the potential to have the ability to reciprocate a friendship and really do understand the meaning of non-judgmental listening and know how to offer advice in a way they know will be heard by me. Yet others seem to have ulterior motives and will remain at the distance I keep them, though they still have their place in my life.

I’ve even made friends with more than one woman, I’ll even be honest and say it’s closer to four. Wow. I consider this one of my great accomplishments this year. Considering that most of my life I’ve stayed away from female friendships because of my own irrationalies towards my own gender. Especially when it seems there are not many non-traditional women like me out there. Or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

There have even been the rare males that happen to pop in my life at the right time to replace (not that they can ever be replaced, maybe substitute) my two closest friends in San Diego. They truly have shown the capacity of friendship and have not tried to push those boundaries. (my fingers will remain crossed because I know the reality of those kinds of friendships).

I appreciate that I have people who care enough about me to listen and show me alternate ways of seeing situations as well as advice on how to pursue positive methods of overcoming and working thru my own perceived barriers and internal struggles.

My new friend Chris suggested to me last night as a way to appreciate my surrounding to write a list of 10 things that are positive in my life about “today”. He said that the list can start off with small things but over time the lists will become more meaningful. He knows I love to write and I love to take photographs, so what he suggested couldn’t have been more appropriate and personal.

I’m not sure I can make a list everyday, but it will be done here even if it’s the only blogging I do. I might even post them on flickr as well.

Things that irritate me (1)

People, especially absolute strangers ~ that think they can call me honey, darling, sweety, baby or any combination of those endearing names.

You're not intimately related to me. DO NOT speak to me as if I am YOUR pet. This is just something that immediately sets me off.

Things that make me laugh.

I'm a commercial geek, here are some of my favorites that no matter how many times I see them, they typically make me laugh. If I'm having a cruddy day and I'm frowning ~ they pep me up!

The Pepto Bismo Monsters



Subaru's Ricky



Maybe I wanna be a french fry! (Burger King)


I'll add more to this as I think of them.

Just add it to the list.

Well I did it, I survived June an I'm ready to take on July. I survived all the first time payments and deposits of all those bills such as High-Speed Internet Equipment Rental Deposits (why I can't use my own modem is beyond me) and all the stupid account setup fees and 'we just don't trust you' deposits that come with the insane price gouging electric companies here. I survived my car insurance doubling despite what I think was moving to a 'nicer' neighborhood (tell me again why I'm paying more when my car is now enclosed in a garage, I live in a gated community and my commute to work is 5 miles shorter ~ why am I paying MORE for car insurance?) I survived adding my mom to my mobile account and doubling my minutes ~ too bad D&G are no longer with my provider cause there goes all my 'free' calls ;).

I made it thru eating roast beef and avocado sammiches and micro-waved taquitos. I spent weekend after weekend @ home in June wondering if moving out and on my own was such a wise decision so quickly and after being presented with sleeping on my cousin's couch ~ I had the biggest smile on my face when I realized that I actually have a 'HOME' to go to and a bed of my own to SLEEP in. That was the greatest feeling and definitely made up for all those poor and broke weekends.

The plan originally was to stay with my brother no more than two months which is what did happen. What didn't happen (which was also part of my plan) was to buy and replace all that stuff that I no longer have. However what did happen was I ended up blowing alot of my money on new girly clothes for my new girly body as well as getting lots of stuff tailored and altered, spent alot of it going to salons and replacing all my hair products that were almost gone, helping out my parents, and spending more time in the salon removing hair and painting nails ;)

What I wanted to do was replace my camera, get a fluffy bed, find that perfect couch and of course replace all my lost wares in my ultimate kitchen.

I got a loaner camera, a loaner bed, a loaner lazyboy, and I'm slowly but surely replacing my kitchen gadgets one by one.

After getting my rent taken care of, I decided it was time to celebrate and cook one of my favorite dishes: Shrimp Scampi!! (I really need to get some more favorite dishes btw ~ once I get a DVR, I can work on that :))

I go to my grocery store (the one with the bank, not the one I wanted to go to) and to my disappointment they didn't ice up my shrimp and they DIDN'T have ANY liquor. WTF? Mannies grocery store in BFE sells wine, and the grocery store I wanted to go to sells it too (about 2 miles away). Oh well. I was given directions to the liquor store around the corner and eventually ended up home.

Well guess what? I don't have a corker. DOH! So now my shrimp is prob cooking itself in the warm air cause of all the driving and I don't have even a screw to pop open my wine bottle.

I tried to improvise and use my brothers drill ~ it wasn't nearly as funny as this, especially since it didn't work. I opened the door to my apt and just so happened to have a neighbor walking by who did have a corker. Sweet. I thanked her and went on to making my dinner.

The shrimpies felt a bit dry but over all the dish was wonderful. Not to mention I now have butter, pepper flakes, parsley, parmesan, balsamic vinegar and olive oil ~ so now I can cook more italian stuff later this week.

I need to add a bread knife and a corker to my list. I was soo happy with the outcome and can't wait to eat leftovers tomorrow.

All the cool girls are doing it....

I saw that my friend did this, and she got it from here. Here's my opinion on this quiz.

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the
ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountain
dew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

If something I do that others consider 'weird' the geek doesn't (such as my eating more ketchup than fries ~ prime example) Or if he finds some way to point out something funny instead of the typical "that's gross" will definitely get my attention.

Or if I say "Any volunteers for the weekend viewing of Transformers" and we can talk about how when we were kids which transformers we had and which our favorites were instead of ... well only being interested in the movie cause I said I wanted a date and then saying something like "I like your _____."

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

Show me you have some culture. Seriously food is not only about take out. As Napolean Dynamite said "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!" Show me you have skills in the kitchen, then show me your collection.

So you have an awesome collection of MP3's and a kick ass system to blast it. Do you like live shows? Wanna check it some out? How about live theatre instead of watching the same DVD's over and over again.

Basically what I'm saying is, I want to get out of that geek comfort zone of behind the keyboard.

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds
himself with?

Just like non geek girls judge non geek boys by the cars they drive, this geek girl is impressed with the toys the boys have. And just because it's old doesn't mean it's crap.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

For this geek girl, that's depends. I typically don't like PDA's. When it's time to wind down though, I like cuddling up and snuggling on the couch. I like holding hands and guys that open doors for me. I like spooning and all that other girly stuff, just not overtly attention getting PDA's.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Once I've warmed up to you and I'm comfortable around you, ask me how I feel about something and if you're listening you'll ask me for details. It's the fact that you care about what I say that gets my attention.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event
that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an
Xbox 360 on the day of release?

Of course. I don't have my B008i3s working for me like some girls though, but I do have my charming good looks that have gotten me a game or two before release date.

7) Do geek boys make better longterm relationship partners that non-geeks?
Why?

In my case yes. Of course all three geeks have been over 4 years.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

False. No one wants to be put down. There are not to many ways to say you're smarter than someone with out the other person feeling like a dolt or worse unequal. Abuse comes in many forms and mental is one of the worst.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All
geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your
experience?

Yea right. The boys still bring in more money than me. I think even in the fashion industry the boys bring home more than the girls. The only 'career' that women make more than men is modeling and porn and everybody knows that SEX sells. Everyone also knows that looks fade and smarts are always there.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Wanna see my version of Thor's Hammer?

Civic's. Mini's & Rabbits . . . Oh My!

So here I am in the process of going out and doing some car browsing in the hot summer weather. I've narrowed my choices down to basically the Civic and the Rabbit and probably more specifically the Civic just because it has all those goodies, awards and longevity, not to mention awesome resale value. I started off looking at Honda Civics, Hyundai Tiberons, Scion tC, Mini Cooper and the VW Rabbits. Then there are the unattainable cars such as the BMW 325, Volvo C70, Mazda RX8, Audi TT and of course the BMW M3, all coupes of course. No topless cars please.

Can you tell I like small cars? I keep wondering when I'm gonna 'grow up' and desire one of those sedans or SUV's and I just don't see it happening. I happen to like small cars cause it's just me ~ I rarely have a passenger much less tote stuff aside from my purse, my lunch, my laptop and hopefully one day a camera bag around. Since I live alone I don't buy lots of food when I go food shopping and even then I tend to buy it when I need it since I love fresh food.

I don't know anything about engines, power and fuel injectors. What I want in my car is something zippy. Since I'm an urban chick and spend a majority of my time in traffic I really don't care all that much about horse power either. I mean the car I have now has a V6 and is a Sedan and I RARELY ever get to feel that power being used unless I happen to drive during non traffic hours (which is rare). The only passengers I've had have been my parents, my brother and his wife, oh yea and Manny once. What I really want is a sunroof an iPod connector (who cares about CD players anymore, right?) HD Radio, power windows/locks, power seats and purrty tires.

Smaller cars also cool down faster in the heat :) I took a test drive at VW the other day. I tested out the VW Rabbit AND the GTI which was basically the Rabbit with power. The only thing that turned me off the GTI was the steering wheel. When I turn I like to let the wheel get back into position on its own and when I let it do that, the steering wheel kept blocking cause of the strange shape. That alone would drive me crazy so sadly the GTI was out before I even had the chance to fall in love with it. Ah well. As for the Rabbit, I'd love to take it home with me but because it just came out this year (even though it's a rerelease) I don't want to be one of the original american testers. I'm the same way when it comes to PC's and software too :)

I'm gonna test out the Civic this weekend. The only problem is its gonna have to be first thing in the morning or sometime before they close. Hopefully they'll let me take this one on the freeway... excuse me, highway.

what do you want to be when you grow up?

It's something that I think about alot, especially these past few weeks. What do I really want to do with myself? What do I want to do to make money? I've tried doing the what my hobby is as a career, but then that ended in me not wanting to do it anymore, because my hobbies became more like work, more like an unwanted obligation rather than the motivation to create beautiful works of art.

This was photography btw. While I still love to take pictures, I don't want to do it as a job.

I know I want to finish my education, but in what field ~ I can't make up my mind. As they say, I can't see the forest thru the trees. I started off in Architecture, but as I've said before they don't make the kind of money straight out of college that I want and I don't really want to be a drafter.

Then there is I.T. I hate this industry, it's the most thankless under appreciated career there is out there, but the pay.... The pay lets me live the life that I've grown accustomed to. The other thing, trying to get the correct college courses might sometimes mean that I have wait for classes. This is probably going to be my default settling choice because for me, it's all about the money.

And what about nursing? I've thought about this field from time to time, but I just don't think I really have it in me to deal with or be around bodily functions. I know *everybody* poops and pees an does other unmentionables.... but do I really want to be paid to study it under a microscope? The money is good, and people are always sick or do stupid thinks... Ever read about the darwin awards? Who do you think takes care of them? That's right, nurses!!!

There is also I.T. workers who work in the healthcare industry.... One thing that really irritates me about healthcare are the insurance companies.... and their politics. It angers me that some of the people in these professions care more about themselves or what the insurance companies dictate rather than the person suffering...

The same goes for the I.T. industry. Some geeks care more about going thru the motions of a workorder rather than solving the actual problem.

How about graphic arts? But what about how cut throat it is? It's not like any monkey can make something really unique and market it. Ever hear of starving artists? Cause we all know there is no such thing as fresh new and unique, at least not for long.. Everything now days is all about industry standards. Even the most unique artists out there end up selling out eventually, just to pay the bills and live the life they eventually grow accustomed to. Is that what I really want? This becomes more like the 'hobby as a career'. Hmm, bad idea.

Interior design? Is this the kind of job out there that actually requires me to 'sell' something, sell myself? sell carpet? manipulate people into thinking they 'need' this or they 'need' that? In my view people usually don't 'need' much of anything. They WANT it and THINK they cannot LIVE without it, or worse: that if they get what they think they 'need' that their lives will become somehow fulfilled with material possessions. That somehow if they get this or that, their lives are better somehow. This is truly an american trait. Only americans do this and because of all forms of mass media, this is starting to spread out like a disease worldwide.

What was I saying?

Oh yea, career choices.

Lets see, I could get a job on a second or third shift somewhere while I finish my college education. But what do I want as my major? Business? Mathematics? Architecture? Computer Science? Nursing? Psychology...

That's something I've been thinking more and more about. The drawback with psychology is that I'm more interested in studying it for myself and diagnosing my own problems, initially anyway. On the flip side, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to work with women like in a women's clinic or in a women's shelter like Becky's House. I really want to understand why women are self destructive or go thru detrimental relationships. I want to understand more about self esteem and self respect. I want to know why some have more than others or at least how some are able to pull off the act better than others. I think this is something I seriously need to spend time volunteering for though (rather than taking on as a career) just because I think I can't emotionally handle it without screaming at how unfair it all is.

I do want to understand more about depression, especially in women and teen girls. but do I really want to get paid for that?

Last job / career option, making toys and froo froo stuff ~ but again goes along the lines of turning a hobby into a job. So maybe not.

So really, what DO I want to do when I 'grow up'? It's looking more and more like I.T. or business.

it's turkey day, time to get all mushy

Again with the thinking... and I've been doing alot of it recently, especially today and yesterday and trust me I have lots ot write about but I doubt that it will all fit in this single blog.

First of all with today being Turkey day and all that, I have been thinking of all that I have to be thankful for and of course I have my family and friends. Without all of you, I might have:

a) had some serious damage done to me, either self inflicted or done by a known second party

-or-

b) still be seriously miserable and alone *in* a relationship

I am thankful that neither of those horrible things happened. I am thankful that I am a much happier person today than I was a month ago. I am thankful that today I DID NOT have to eat off the $.99 menu at Jack-in-the-Box like last year and pretend I was "ok" with it when in reality I broke down and cried on the walk back to my apartment. I was really grateful that I didn't have to walk past anybody on that long walk home.

I am thankful that I have two very understanding, patient and non-judging, non-getting-involved-unless-the-child-asks parents. I am grateful that I have the most kick ass family out there, both immediate and extended. I am grateful that my mother doesn't ask me or my new sister in law "Where are my grandkids". And I'm really thankful for my wonderful new pro-pet-as-a-grandchild-sister-in-law. Because now I don't feel like such a freak for choosing to NOT have kids. I'm glad my mother was happy with having Carlo-the-Iguana as a grandchild (at one point).

I am glad I have a crazy kitty like Cinders in my life and glad that she puts up with being stuck in her carrier and going from bedroom after bedroom or bathroom or wherever small place I can keep her with me close by. I'm glad I could finally tell my mother how much the Cindercat means to me and that she understood why I can't just let the Cindercat go. I realized the other day that I've had the Cindercat as long as me and my first marriage crumbled.

(Which happened on December 6, 1996 btw and Cindercat joined me in August 1997) (Her name is Cinders cause I burned her whiskers with a lighter, plus she's all-black) (true story)

So Cindercat and me have had plenty of adventures together and she's not going anywhere, except with me! I'm glad that she still wakes me up in the morning with her potent CinderLick. I think it's adorable that she sits in my lap (and yes I know it's dangerous for both of us) when we go on our car trips. I'm glad that she's an affectionate kitty and she seems to melt most cat-hater hearts.

I said most, not all cat-haters.

I am thankful for the patience that I have when I want to scream because I am used to peace and quiet. Because someone gave me a *tip* earlier this year when I was frustrated with a person in my life. All I wanted them to do was SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to know how to make them shutup without starting a fight, and my *tip* was just "Say OK." So I tried it, and it has worked with far better results what I would have ever expected on multiple occasions!!!

Those two little letters have stopped many situations from blowing up more than they would have this past month.

I am thankful that my mother was able to pull off both giving me roots and giving me wings. I found my wings long ago and I'm just now starting to find my roots (maybe because I came home) and I know why I am the way I am. Because of these roots, I hope to not make the same mistakes over and over. Because of my wings I am glad that I was able to experience my life as it has played out so far and hope to have many oportunities to use them again.

I'm glad I have the following people in my life, in no special order:

Mom - for trying, for being there when I need you. for listening.

Dad - for not asking questions.

DRH - for the loving relationship we have

GVH - for finding somebody close to me that makes you happy

MAV - for picking up where we left off, no judgement, but smarter and wiser, and able to share battle stories and compare notes. for a sounding board. for all the advice.

JDV - for trying to find yourself, for being my cheerleader. Listen to your heart and know that I'll love you no matter what you decide.

JV - for explaining your reasons.

TM-(G) - for those four hour phone calls cause we just can't get to Starbucks in Mission Valley no more.

DSA - for listening to me bitch on more than one occasion until 4am on the foot of your stairs. For giving me points of view I would have never thought about. For offering to care for CinderCat again.

ADK - for staying. period. for cooking *all* (and I mean all, especially that snow pea chicken all those years ago, even though I didn't eat it) those wonderful meals that we used share and discuss everything or sit in silence and be comfortable. For the cranberry oatmeal cookies that made me cry (in a good way cause it showed just how much you really cared) cause you saved some for me.

AH - also for those four hour phone calls, and for laughing with me AND for laughing AT me. If you didn't I never would have laughed at myself, for your sense of humor cause you appreciate my crassness. For never saying ' tell me how you really feel' when I do say how I really feel, explicitives and all.. For sharing your stories of your life with me so I can do the same for you.

RW - For all the entertainment and those hunky firefighters and beautiful boys in your life to look at. For your private messages that show me how much you really care. You've made my day on multiple occasions.

VG - For asking 'do you remember me', cause I could never forget you, and I'm grateful for the time we still get to spend together

TW - for listening, for encouraging, for asking, for all the updates.

JJV - cause you listen and really care even though we don't really know each other

For my own understanding that my situation is going to be what I make of it. I choose not to be unhappy anymore. I realize that this chapter in my life can be as short or as long as I want. I will find the best possible outcome I can. I have the support group to help me thru this.

I love you all and hope your turkey was as delicious as mine. I am thankful for my new extended family I was able to share it with today.

what a woman should...

I was going thru my messages/comments etc today and I ran across this. I didn't write it, but it made me think for a bit. I decided to put it here but who knows why:

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a set of screwdrivers, cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
and how to change a tire...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day..a month...and a year...

25 signs you have grown up.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch CNN.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your cat Eukanuba instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to!" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90f the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh Shit WTF happened?"

*Bonus*

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.