I've been staying at my friends place since Monday evening and I knew when I started this new journey that this stop would be a short one, like really, really, really short. Like so short that I plan to hit the road on Tuesday (just not sure of WHEN on Tuesday) but Tuesday none-the-less.
But anyway I was given alternate options so that I could stay in San Diego longer, but I really do feel that my time here has long past it's expiration date even before this last Monday. Also judging by past experiences and the history of certain men in previous life, well I'll just say it bluntly: I don't feel safe here.
Both physically and because I have also been known to fall back into stupid old habits (so in this sense I don't feel safe from myself, because I always fell for his tricks). I don't physically feel safe because Sam is just a creep. I'm sure that he will use the people that he knows (people like his police friends) to track me down and find out where I decide to move to, that is if I were to stay here. He's harassed me on my cel and at work in the past. The man also know's how to pick locks. I'm not saying that I have proof that he's ever broken into my home before but he has invaded private information. I won't even bring up how his methods of finding out that stuff because those are pretty creepy stories themselves.
So here I am, just waiting for the harassment to begin. . . and the more time that passes the safer I feel. The more hope I feel that he will really leave me alone this time, because it was never ME that wanted him back, it was always him WANTING me back in HIS life. I overlooked too many things. I ignored too many signs
I feel the anger rising again, and this is supposed to be a blog about hope...
I would hope to think that after having lived thru so much emotional and physical pain and suffering that I know that no matter what kind of monetary compensation he *was* able to provide it never made up for what he couldn't give to me in a normal loving and emotionally nurturing environment.
Hopefully I will remember the pain of this relationship and FINALLY learn that "IT BURNS WHEN I STICK MY HAND IN THE FIRE". As opposed to the six or more previous times before when I always forgot the pain. I always ignored all other warnings and signs of impending doom that no matter how miserable I ended up that the shineys that I was compensated with somehow made up for it. I clung to those stupid shineys. Well I got no shineys to show for now. Those shineys were a low price to pay for the damage to my self esteem and the detrimental damage to my soul.
I thought of that when I was walking in Bed Bath and Beyond today when I realized that the world is moving on and it's yet ANOTHER christmas season and it's really not the end of the world. And as I walked up and down the isles I had a sudden urge for home made apple cinnamon and caramel cider. Well I'll be... Guess what? My cappichino maker that I've had for 14 years... Guess what? That's ALSO one of the victims of my tornado relationship. My capachino maker, it's GONE! So this year I'll have to settle for one of those crappy creations from Starbucks. Yuck.
I mean... YUM!! It will taste so much better knowing that I have a NEWER BETTER SHINIER capachino maker to go shopping for in the future (even if I *ONLY* use the damn thing around holiday season) and hey, it's 15 years old, I'm sure this new one will clean my counters for me or something, Right? psssht! dream on. or as the milky way girl would say "whatev!"
So there, that was a little bit of hope, and even a goal. Even if it is a material goal with no thought of any realistic priorities.
I had one person tell me that I should go and get my stuff back. But I don't want it, because if I have to deal with Sam again in anyway then he gets what he wants. He gets the attention from me. He gets the control. The more and more I think about the time that I did share with him, the man NEVER went out to do anything with anybody, ever.
He watched football at home, he never went over to *his buddies* to watch a game, never went out socially, ever. The relationship with his kid. . . I never understood. Because unless I probed him about spending time with her, she was never over and she NEVER told him about parent-teacher nights, which was funny because I knew when they were just by looking at her school calendars.
You might think that just by my writing that he's getting some form of control and attention, but If I don't document this in some way, then I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again. Yes I know I am complaining or feeling sorry for myself or venting or bitching, but my soul needs to throw up. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm so tired of not knowing why I'm angry much less where to direct my anger.... I'm so tired of being confused and wondering what I did to deserve this or worse if this is what I deserved. I'm so tired of holding on to this sickness. I'm so tired of being at the bottom.
I want to move on. I want to put this all behind me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to smile again. I want to be around people that love me for who I am. I want hope.
Do I have a point you ask? I started out with one, but I can't keep a straight thought in my head.
Is it that obvious? Glad it's not just me that thinks that.
But anyway I was given alternate options so that I could stay in San Diego longer, but I really do feel that my time here has long past it's expiration date even before this last Monday. Also judging by past experiences and the history of certain men in previous life, well I'll just say it bluntly: I don't feel safe here.
Both physically and because I have also been known to fall back into stupid old habits (so in this sense I don't feel safe from myself, because I always fell for his tricks). I don't physically feel safe because Sam is just a creep. I'm sure that he will use the people that he knows (people like his police friends) to track me down and find out where I decide to move to, that is if I were to stay here. He's harassed me on my cel and at work in the past. The man also know's how to pick locks. I'm not saying that I have proof that he's ever broken into my home before but he has invaded private information. I won't even bring up how his methods of finding out that stuff because those are pretty creepy stories themselves.
So here I am, just waiting for the harassment to begin. . . and the more time that passes the safer I feel. The more hope I feel that he will really leave me alone this time, because it was never ME that wanted him back, it was always him WANTING me back in HIS life. I overlooked too many things. I ignored too many signs
I feel the anger rising again, and this is supposed to be a blog about hope...
I would hope to think that after having lived thru so much emotional and physical pain and suffering that I know that no matter what kind of monetary compensation he *was* able to provide it never made up for what he couldn't give to me in a normal loving and emotionally nurturing environment.
Hopefully I will remember the pain of this relationship and FINALLY learn that "IT BURNS WHEN I STICK MY HAND IN THE FIRE". As opposed to the six or more previous times before when I always forgot the pain. I always ignored all other warnings and signs of impending doom that no matter how miserable I ended up that the shineys that I was compensated with somehow made up for it. I clung to those stupid shineys. Well I got no shineys to show for now. Those shineys were a low price to pay for the damage to my self esteem and the detrimental damage to my soul.
I thought of that when I was walking in Bed Bath and Beyond today when I realized that the world is moving on and it's yet ANOTHER christmas season and it's really not the end of the world. And as I walked up and down the isles I had a sudden urge for home made apple cinnamon and caramel cider. Well I'll be... Guess what? My cappichino maker that I've had for 14 years... Guess what? That's ALSO one of the victims of my tornado relationship. My capachino maker, it's GONE! So this year I'll have to settle for one of those crappy creations from Starbucks. Yuck.
I mean... YUM!! It will taste so much better knowing that I have a NEWER BETTER SHINIER capachino maker to go shopping for in the future (even if I *ONLY* use the damn thing around holiday season) and hey, it's 15 years old, I'm sure this new one will clean my counters for me or something, Right? psssht! dream on. or as the milky way girl would say "whatev!"
So there, that was a little bit of hope, and even a goal. Even if it is a material goal with no thought of any realistic priorities.
I had one person tell me that I should go and get my stuff back. But I don't want it, because if I have to deal with Sam again in anyway then he gets what he wants. He gets the attention from me. He gets the control. The more and more I think about the time that I did share with him, the man NEVER went out to do anything with anybody, ever.
He watched football at home, he never went over to *his buddies* to watch a game, never went out socially, ever. The relationship with his kid. . . I never understood. Because unless I probed him about spending time with her, she was never over and she NEVER told him about parent-teacher nights, which was funny because I knew when they were just by looking at her school calendars.
You might think that just by my writing that he's getting some form of control and attention, but If I don't document this in some way, then I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again. Yes I know I am complaining or feeling sorry for myself or venting or bitching, but my soul needs to throw up. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm so tired of not knowing why I'm angry much less where to direct my anger.... I'm so tired of being confused and wondering what I did to deserve this or worse if this is what I deserved. I'm so tired of holding on to this sickness. I'm so tired of being at the bottom.
I want to move on. I want to put this all behind me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to smile again. I want to be around people that love me for who I am. I want hope.
Do I have a point you ask? I started out with one, but I can't keep a straight thought in my head.
Is it that obvious? Glad it's not just me that thinks that.
0 comments:
Post a Comment