It's over . . . again . . . for good this time . . . I mean it!!!!!

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*****There is ALOT to read here, so go grab a drink*****
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I don't know how many times I've left or attempted to end this relationship that I've had, but it's to the point where I don't think I can count them on one hand anymore.

Yesterday he comes into the bedroom and tries to be all machismo with his messed up hair, his nasty morning breath and his stinky ass slept in four days clothes and tells me to 'start acting like a girlfriend, or leave'. And I look at him. He asks if I heard what he said?

Yes.

He asks me to repeat it, as if doing that will make me say more than one word back to him. So I repeat what he said. At the same time thinking to myself that there is no way to act like a girlfriend to him any longer. The only choice that I have is to leave. I will not pretend to love this man anymore after the way that I've been treated in the last four months, not to mention the years before then.

Sure, he paid my bills, bought me a home <>(or more specifically bought the home that *I* picked out, I really have no idea WHY he bought the home itself and I use the term *home* loosely since it was never a *home* it was a *house* that two people occupied space in. A *house* where there was no promise of any progression. A *house* where both people kept secrets and told lies. A home is someplace where you invite friends over and have good times with, a home is a place where you put up your most prized photos and when people come over to visit they ask to hear the story behind the photo, a home is a place where you take great pride in decorating. The *home* I had displayed none of these traits. My home had no photos much less holes in the walls, there was no painted walls or any decorations of any kind. Shit I was lucky that we even had BLINDS on the fucking windows) and these last few weeks there has not been one second of any of those days where I did not feel *safe* in my own home. < /end rant here >

Sure he bought me food and by this I'll state that his version of food is consuming products that come from a drive thru window or come out of a styrofoam take out container. Oh yea and don't forget the FLAMING HOT TOBASCO SAUSE to kill your fucking tastebuds and make your breath smell just wonderfully kissable < /puke >.

About three years ago, because of this wonderful diet of drive thru foods my scale tipped at 180lbs and this was just uncomfortable for me. I was sweating for no reason, and sweating alot. Doing any activity was cause for strain. I was a size 14. . . and at that point I decided no more junk food. And stopped eating drive thru meals. My weight now is 135lbs-140lbs. It's about 10lbs more than I would like it to be, but I'm overall happy with this since I've maintained this weight for a year now. Go me! Anyway I ask him to not include me in his take-out/drive thru routines but he doesnt' really listen and we still end up hitting these places more than I ever cared to. But because of this I stared cooking at home, and got to be pretty damn good at it. Not like he would have ever noticed because he would DOUSE my lovingly made, very hard worked on perfections of meals with that fucking tobasco sause...

It's like that movie, Joy Luck Club, have you ever seen it? The pretty asian girl brings home her white boyfriend to the 'family dinner' he takes a serving of the what looked like MooShu Chicken and decides that it wasn't spicy enough so he RUINS it for EVERYONE by pouring soy sause all over the MAIN dish, and NOT his own!!! Omg when I first saw that movie I laughed so hard, but when it happened to me, it wasn't so funny.

What else did he do for me? Let's see bought me a home, paid my bills, fed me. That was pretty much it. Did he provide me any emotional support? Not really. If I ever complained about something I never got the humorous response that I would get when bitching to my friends/family about something. From him it was always 'that's the way it is, deal with it.' Never any sympathy, never any humor, never any emotion. Just that stupid fucking look of his where he would pull his lower lip over his upper lip and shift his eyes away from me with that fucking smug satisfaction of 'what I say IS the way it WILL be' and of course as he would always add later in the relationship 'until you can prove to me otherwise'. I hated that fucking look of his, I hated when he would say that shit to me. It was his way of putting me down, his way of controlling me.

No more. Never again.

I keep telling myself I shoulda left him after six months. He's one of those weird fucks that had issues of telling the people he was in a relationship that he 'loved' them. I shoulda seen the signs. He had a kid, but they never married, they never talked about marriage I'm pretty sure he never told her he loved her. I know for a fact that he never introduced her to his mother. For fucks sake you spooge your juice all over some chick and have a baby with her, but you won't introduced her to your mom?!?!?! Hello!!!! I later found out that she got desperate and went to his house to 'return' something to him just so she could meet the mom. How degrading can this man get and why did I NOT turn and run then? The other thing with him was the he dated the baby-momma's SISTER first, then the baby-moma decided the wanted him, so she fucked her sisters boyfriend. That ladies and gents is why I'm so glad I don't have a sister. The sister and the man get back together and a few months down the line.... baby-momma says 'oops I'm prego with yo man's baby' Yea real Jerry Springer shit right there. If any of that made any sense I hope you're laughing as much as I was, right after I barfed in my mouth when I heard this, straight from him....

I'd sure like to hear the moms version of the story. But I never will. I'm over that now.

After six months and him not telling me that he loved me, I was starting to wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. I was wondering if I was doing something wrong, I was wondering if it was me, was I not pretty, what? Something in me snapped after a night of way too much alcohol and some fun party mixing drugs, don't forget to add on the diet pills cause this was about when I was starting to gain my weight and I was willing to try anything to NOT get fatter. I came home crazy, drunk, stoned and wide awake and ready to fight. Needless to say there was lots of shouting, screaming, there were police involved, there were even handcuffs but lucky for me, no arrest.

72 hours later, I came home about 12 lbs thinner. I refused to eat their hospital food. I drank lots of water and ate jello and the occasional green bean. This of course drew attention my way, but I got to go home on time so I didn't really care. Yes. I went to a county mental hospital. BUT I wasn't arrested!!! (yea like that makes it better)

Why didn't he leave me then? I was obviously crazy. I threatened his life. I was mentally unstable. I was dragged away in handcuffs for crying out loud! I don't think he ever forgave me but I think he used the next few years as revenge. Why did I want to marry this man? Seriously, what was my trip? Why did I want his love so bad? I'm pretty sure this was when he started to control me, if not before then.

After a year of this, and him STILL not telling me that he loved me, I asked him to pack his things and be out of my apartment. To my surprise when I got home, all of his belongings were gone!!! You will never believe how BIG the smile was on my face when I saw that his stuff was gone!!! I changed the locks immediately. But stupid me, he calls me a week later, tells me how much he can't live without me, blah blah blah and the stupid bullshit that men say and stupid women like me fall for, oh yea, and the icing on the cake, he said that he LOVED ME. Everything was right with the world. Here Sam, here is your key to my apartment, Welcome Home Honey, I forgive you for making me think there were things wrong with me. Do you know how many of my friends told me how stupid I was? All of them, did I listen? No, he loved me! They didn't understand. This was also about the time that my friends stopped talking to me. . .

Some time later I notice that him telling me that he loved me was not enough. I wanted more. I wanted to start planning a future, an engagement, something. What was his solution, buy a house, but exclude me from the paperwork. His reasoning, my credit was not the 800+score that his was. Was I hurt? OH HELL YES. I was pissed that we moved 30 miles south, away from MY life to live in sur-burb-be-ya just for his tax shelter purposes. He could just as easily have bought a house in my favorite urban areas as he paid for the house with four empty rooms and grass that keeps dying. His reasoning: bigger is better. Sure the house is 3000 sqft. But its only worth 800k. The condo-townhouse-urban loft houses are in the millions now.

After living in sur-burb-be-ya I start to realize that we're never going to get married. I'm never going to see a ring. Nothing is ever going to progress with this man. So what did I do? Something stupid. I started an internet online affair with some kid on the other side of the world. Eventually I get caught and the damage was done. I move out this time. I move back to my little urban city life and my friends magically make their way back into my life. They're glad he's gone, they're glad that I'm happy again. But I start to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I decide to go back to my family. Crazy move. Why I did it and why I also did the next step, I still wonder to this day.

For some reason I let Sam comes back into the picture. I think me being lonely, the holidays and also just having eaten my first Thanksgiving @ Jack-in-the-Box really got to me. And he just magically showed up at the right time saying all the right things again... He asks me to come back home. I tell him too late. I'm going to my family. He wants to take care of me, he wants to get married. Blah blah blah. My parents show up. They pack up their car with my stuff and we leave. What does Sam do, he follows me to Texas... He convinces my family that he loves me, they don't believe him or even like him. They think I'm making a mistake for keeping him around. We keep an online relationship going. I think the only reason he did this was because he was jealous of the internet boy and the internet relationship that we had. Sam wanted to talk on the webcam, he wanted to have cybersex with the webcam. I never did those things with internet boy. Chatsex yes, Webcam sex no. He would belittle me if I didn't do what he wanted so I would log off and dissapear to teach him a lesson. It was nice to have the upperhand. I found out later that he was talking to the internet boy, and that he had all the chat logs from our conversations. He recently has been using these in our fights that we were having. For some sick reason, Sam wanted me back in his life.

I think the man is way more crazy than I ever was that long ago drunken night with the handcuffs. I told him I was sorry for my internet affair, I told him I was sorry for the pain I caused him. I told him all of this last December. And he said he forgave me. It's like that thing when people say 'do you want to know what *really* happened' and the ones that say yes are like that one movie line from "A few good men" 'YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH' well Sam knew all the truth, he learned it from internet boy and he used it against me saying that I was keeping things from him. HELLO FUCKHEAD!! I was having an affair!! OF course I'm gonna keep stuff from you!!!!! He kept what he knew from me. And he wanted me to come back to him. So what did I do? I came back to San Diego. All my family started to tell me again that was making a mistake... My friends, I was too ashamed to tell them that I was going for round 5.

And what did I find out? That nothing changed. That all he wanted was somebody to control. He wanted to pay me back emotionally for everything I did to him. He wanted somebody to mentally and verbally and even a little physically abuse. Or what I found out to be "Harassment in the Second Degree". He knew that he could get away with it too and that by this point I was so broken that I would just take my punishment.

So when he gave me the option of 'act like a girlfriend or leave' I also wondered when this man ever TREATED me like a girlfriend. I wondered if the beautiful empty house with the dead grass and four empty rooms was enough, was the food enough, was him paying my bills enough? I thought long and hard before I packed up my little car and my kitties and hit the road. Not to mention that since coming back from Texas in August that I've been sneaking out bits and pieces of my life when he's not been home. He wonders and questions where I've been going but he was too stupid to notice that boxes were gone or that I had broken nails from moving so quickly.

He would accuse me of having another affair. He said I was exhibiting the behavior of a liar and a cheater. In reality I was trying to leave again. But it's hard when you don't have a job to find some place to go. I told my mother what he said and some of the things that were a part of that 'Harassment in the Second Degree' and she wants me home again. She's angry at him. I'm sure she's angry at me for falling for his bait again. I have nobody here to blame but me.

So much for that big wall o' text. How do I feel after all of this? I keep reliving yesterdays fights in my head. I keep trying to rationalize what just can't be rational. He's more crazy than me, I was just to stupid to see it for a long time. I'm done. I'm not going back. It's over. There's nothing left to fix.