Don't you just hate that antsy feeling? That feeling you get when you have a plan and can't wait to get things rolling. I feel that right now. I've made up my mind about what I want to do and what I want out of my life; now I can't wait to get started.
I decided to leave tonight.
This past Friday I spoke to a recruiter in the DFW area and after getting off the phone with her I felt as high as a kite. Let me tell you even if nothing comes out of that conversation that we had, speaking with her gave me more HOPE than I've felt in a long time. I can't wait to get to DFW and start knocking down doors in their job market. That's assuming that I get a job, which is what I meant when I said in case our conversation never goes anywhere.
However this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I got another call on my cel from a recruiter here in the SD area. She had a job she was offering me and she wanted me to start TODAY!!! The pay that was offered was decent, but as I looked around the bedroom with my piles of *stuff* that looked like I was slumming because I have no place to put it except on the floor. I looked in the mirror at the towel wrapped around me that wasn't mine. I was overcome with anger that I had taken a shower in a stall that was not my own. I asked her if I could call her back in 5 minutes because I had no idea that anybody but Sam could make my blood boil so quickly.
I was angry with the recruiter that she called me a week too late. I was even more angry that I've been here five months and this was the FIRST offer I've had since I've been here. I was angry with myself for being wet and vulnerable and answering the phone from a number I did not recognize. I was angry with my displaced stuff on the floor in this bedroom of order and perfection. I was angry that my life is upside down and it's my fault for making bad decisions. Decisions I laugh about when I hear that strangers and fictional characters do the stupid things I am now guilty of.
Say it with me: hypocrite. Yep that me all right. Me.
I AIM'd a few people wanting their immediate feedback. I had already made up my mind to turn down the job, but I always want the reinforcement that I am about to make the right decision. I called the owner of the shower, but no answer and I remembered them telling me about going to the doctor. I also talked to my cousin and mom both of whom were in agreement to just 'come home asap'. One thing I have learned about myself just recently that if I am looking for feedback, it's a good sign. It's bad when I make a decision and tell nobody of it.
I gathered my composure and called the recruiter back. I politely thanked her for the offer and for considering me but that I was going to have to turn her down. I mean even if the job was for two weeks, I'm not going to get paid for at least three if not four weeks. I want to go home NOW. I'm tired of living the way I have been for the past week.
While I am thankful for the opportunity to say here in San Diego a bit longer just so that I can say my goodbyes to my friends, but I don't like this feeling of displacement. I don't like that I am not a "guest" like when you have friends that are visiting for the week and those friends will eventually go back to their own "home". If anything I feel like and I am an inconvenience to somebodys lifestyle.
I want to go home. I want to be with my family. I want to start over. I want to start recovering. I want to put this all behind me. I want to forgive myself for making such stupid decisions. I want to get a home where I can eventually sleep in my own bed or on my own couch and bath in my own shower stall. I want to just _________ (fill in the blanks cause I want to be in control of my own life!!)
But first I have to change the oil in my car and fill it up with a full tank of gas. I have to get more food for my kitties and litter too. Last I need to repack my car so it's as comfortable as can be for the long drive ahead.
I can't wait to get started. There is hope. I feel it.
I decided to leave tonight.
This past Friday I spoke to a recruiter in the DFW area and after getting off the phone with her I felt as high as a kite. Let me tell you even if nothing comes out of that conversation that we had, speaking with her gave me more HOPE than I've felt in a long time. I can't wait to get to DFW and start knocking down doors in their job market. That's assuming that I get a job, which is what I meant when I said in case our conversation never goes anywhere.
However this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I got another call on my cel from a recruiter here in the SD area. She had a job she was offering me and she wanted me to start TODAY!!! The pay that was offered was decent, but as I looked around the bedroom with my piles of *stuff* that looked like I was slumming because I have no place to put it except on the floor. I looked in the mirror at the towel wrapped around me that wasn't mine. I was overcome with anger that I had taken a shower in a stall that was not my own. I asked her if I could call her back in 5 minutes because I had no idea that anybody but Sam could make my blood boil so quickly.
I was angry with the recruiter that she called me a week too late. I was even more angry that I've been here five months and this was the FIRST offer I've had since I've been here. I was angry with myself for being wet and vulnerable and answering the phone from a number I did not recognize. I was angry with my displaced stuff on the floor in this bedroom of order and perfection. I was angry that my life is upside down and it's my fault for making bad decisions. Decisions I laugh about when I hear that strangers and fictional characters do the stupid things I am now guilty of.
Say it with me: hypocrite. Yep that me all right. Me.
I AIM'd a few people wanting their immediate feedback. I had already made up my mind to turn down the job, but I always want the reinforcement that I am about to make the right decision. I called the owner of the shower, but no answer and I remembered them telling me about going to the doctor. I also talked to my cousin and mom both of whom were in agreement to just 'come home asap'. One thing I have learned about myself just recently that if I am looking for feedback, it's a good sign. It's bad when I make a decision and tell nobody of it.
I gathered my composure and called the recruiter back. I politely thanked her for the offer and for considering me but that I was going to have to turn her down. I mean even if the job was for two weeks, I'm not going to get paid for at least three if not four weeks. I want to go home NOW. I'm tired of living the way I have been for the past week.
While I am thankful for the opportunity to say here in San Diego a bit longer just so that I can say my goodbyes to my friends, but I don't like this feeling of displacement. I don't like that I am not a "guest" like when you have friends that are visiting for the week and those friends will eventually go back to their own "home". If anything I feel like and I am an inconvenience to somebodys lifestyle.
I want to go home. I want to be with my family. I want to start over. I want to start recovering. I want to put this all behind me. I want to forgive myself for making such stupid decisions. I want to get a home where I can eventually sleep in my own bed or on my own couch and bath in my own shower stall. I want to just _________ (fill in the blanks cause I want to be in control of my own life!!)
But first I have to change the oil in my car and fill it up with a full tank of gas. I have to get more food for my kitties and litter too. Last I need to repack my car so it's as comfortable as can be for the long drive ahead.
I can't wait to get started. There is hope. I feel it.
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