I started my 365 day photo journal today. I've had so much on my mind for the past two weeks which has caused a great amount of anxiety and unwanted stress. I finally discovered what I think might be the problem.On 6/6/6 I had my car all packed up to go back to Cali. What a terrible day to make that kind of decision, if you believe in omens such as those. I don't think I do, but after the wild ride that is my life maybe I shouldn't dismiss them so quickly.
Do you hear LL Cool J's song? I do. What about think about that movie with the spooky stuff? Maybe?
I was talking to my cousin Mannie the other day and he and I are such different places than we were a year ago. We're both working and both single. Last year we had no clue where our money was coming from and we each had out set of enabling significant others. But not anymore. As we had our conversation during our reflection moments I think about how much he's grown and how much I've grown. Lots of things that were pointed out to me that were easily dismissed now scream for attention.
One of my coworkers has a son that plays little league. She just told me that her son might get a chance to play in his divisions world series. This is a huge ordeal and can end up costing lots of money, not to mention time. She rolled up her sleeves and showed me her farmer tan lines, I recommended more 50+ proof sunblock and to wear tanktops since it cuts back on the farmer look. Listening to the pride she has in talking about her son, I can't help but think about a girl that was special to me at one point in my life.
When I was out this weekend, I saw two preteen girls in their softball uniforms and flipflops. They were wearing the shorts and tank style uniforms but still had their fastpitch emblem obvious on their jersey.
Seeing those girls, I had to take a minute to catch my breath and blink.
Why? I don't want children, there were times that I would vocally make clear just how adamant I was in my displeasure in not wanting to be around that crowd. So why was seeing those girls so hard? I've read you push away those closest to you, and I see people in my family do it all the time. I did it all the time, I'm sure I STILL do it.
It wasn't even five months that it came to the point of not even speaking. We couldn't even stand to look at one another, much less exchange words.
I remember not feeling right about leaving my aunt Chris's house. She cried. She didn't want me to leave. Now she won't even talk to me and I'm living back in the area. I wonder why. I've tried to email her and call her but the exchanges are awkward so I gave up. I shouldn't feel this way about her because one day she might not be there anymore for me. I lost my grandpa. I spend as much time with my grandma as I can.
I found out her son, my cousin was in a terrible motorcycle accident and nobody in the family told me. What if he had died? He was hit by a car and not wearing a helmet (hurray for Texas laws) and is not currently working and recovering from a bone infection. I found all this about because I read his EX-Wifes Blog. Just great.
They didn't tell Mannie either.
One of my coworkers has a son that plays little league. She just told me that her son might get a chance to play in his divisions world series. This is a huge ordeal and can end up costing lots of money, not to mention time. She rolled up her sleeves and showed me her farmer tan lines, I recommended more 50+ proof sunblock and to wear tanktops since it cuts back on the farmer look. Listening to the pride she has in talking about her son, I can't help but think about a girl that was special to me at one point in my life.
When I was out this weekend, I saw two preteen girls in their softball uniforms and flipflops. They were wearing the shorts and tank style uniforms but still had their fastpitch emblem obvious on their jersey.
Seeing those girls, I had to take a minute to catch my breath and blink.
Why? I don't want children, there were times that I would vocally make clear just how adamant I was in my displeasure in not wanting to be around that crowd. So why was seeing those girls so hard? I've read you push away those closest to you, and I see people in my family do it all the time. I did it all the time, I'm sure I STILL do it.
***
Tomorrow is the anniversary that I packed up my car, and thought that I could make it work. By the time November came around the damage done was so great and the words and exchanges made were so damaging that saying "I'm sorry" will never be enough.It wasn't even five months that it came to the point of not even speaking. We couldn't even stand to look at one another, much less exchange words.
I remember not feeling right about leaving my aunt Chris's house. She cried. She didn't want me to leave. Now she won't even talk to me and I'm living back in the area. I wonder why. I've tried to email her and call her but the exchanges are awkward so I gave up. I shouldn't feel this way about her because one day she might not be there anymore for me. I lost my grandpa. I spend as much time with my grandma as I can.
I found out her son, my cousin was in a terrible motorcycle accident and nobody in the family told me. What if he had died? He was hit by a car and not wearing a helmet (hurray for Texas laws) and is not currently working and recovering from a bone infection. I found all this about because I read his EX-Wifes Blog. Just great.
They didn't tell Mannie either.
***
When I was driving back to San Diego, I had to stop in Tuscon because it was getting to hot for me and my car. It was about 103 by 1pm. I stopped to get gas even though I didn't need it. I called Sam and asked him to find a hotel for me in somewhere along the 10. I mean he had access to the internet and maps, how difficult could my request have been? I was trying to save money and didn't want to drive from hotel to hotel checking rates.
He made things difficult because he was stressed at having a tax auditor in the house with him. I got flustered and hung up on him because I didn't know the area any better than he did. At that moment I REALLY wanted to just turn around and head back. At that moment I KNEW nothing between us had changed and if anything had only gotten worse.
I was only 6 hours away from San Diego. I had already been traveling for 15 hours almost straight.
If only right? I woulda saved us both five months of misery.
I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know where I've been. Hopefully that will give me some incite on what to avoid in the path ahead.
He made things difficult because he was stressed at having a tax auditor in the house with him. I got flustered and hung up on him because I didn't know the area any better than he did. At that moment I REALLY wanted to just turn around and head back. At that moment I KNEW nothing between us had changed and if anything had only gotten worse.
I was only 6 hours away from San Diego. I had already been traveling for 15 hours almost straight.
If only right? I woulda saved us both five months of misery.
***
I guess my point is, I want to see what this year will be like. I've been forced to start over. Circumstances are not as easy as I made them out to be on paper, or electronically. Life has been hectic and changes have been fast and overwhelming at times. I'm sure some bridges have been burned and hopefully some of them can be repaired.I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know where I've been. Hopefully that will give me some incite on what to avoid in the path ahead.
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