Why is it that us chix have such a hard time NOT getting emotionally involved? I wrote this disgustingly wretched blog that I couldn't bring myself to post for one because it was just oozing with lovesickness and I can't believe I let myself sink to that depth so soon after a horrible emotionally devoid relationship, and two it was just embarrassing at how ga ga I sounded and how pathetic I saw the world thru rose colored glasses. I'm sure it was obvious to everyone but me, how much I wanted attention.
Yea, I'm not jaded. Not one bit.
What's funny is after talking with friends and family about how to handle a situation and taking in all their feedback and finally hearing exactly what I wanted to hear, I still can't make up my mind about what to do. What's even more sad, is when somebody will tell me a story, and I usually mumble and grumble under my breath the word 'priorities' and at this moment in time I can't seem to get mine straight, even though I know what they are.
My priorities shouldn't be about some stupid boy, and though he wasn't in my mind much over the past weekend when he would send his charming texts, emails and IM'd he managed to weasel his way back in, if only for a moment. Lucky for me, I had other things to keep me occupied. My priorities should be about me setting focus and getting on my feet, and getting back on them quickly. Boys be damned.
Why is it that as women, or in my case anyway, that even though I have set up the best laid plans, something shiny and new comes along and manages to derail it? What is it with my adult A.D.D.? Why is it that I can never stay on the path that I intended? Why was I never taught the "focus and achieve" lesson as a child, and why is it so hard to find the willpower to teach it to myself? Why is it so hard to force myself to stay on course as an adult? Why do I get bored of anything so quickly? I really HATE that about me. I know what I want, I know how to achieve it, I know what it takes to get it, but why when it comes down to it am I too shy and scared ~ scared of failing ~ scared of being rejected ~ scared of someone smarter ~ or even worse, some less than average person, comes in and steals away from me something I want, just because they can talk it up better than me?
I'm not even talking about boys anymore. But this rant started because of one.
What's even more annoying is that I *almost* ruined a perfect birthday weekend because I put that boy on a pedestal that he didn't deserve to be on, especially in such a short amount of time. Even more annoying is that I keep referring to him, even though I don't want to. *slaps self*!! What's wrong with me? Why is it that guys have it so much easier, and they can just choose *not* to think of someone and it's *that* easy?
Why must I complicate my life? Why can't I put my priorities in order, in a row, listed by importance and start the ritual of checking them off as they are complete?
And why is it that my phone can't keep a charge for more than 28 hours here but in San Diego it could keep a charge for over 74 hours before whining and complaining that it needs to be plugged in? Do you see what I mean?
Why is it that a week ago I was in a state of happy bliss, even this weekend I was in bliss ~ then Sunday came, and it hit me that I have to go back to my reality, and the depression that left me in October somehow found its way back in my head, despite the blue skies overhead. I sense impending doom in my future and as someone once said to me, I'm setting myself up for failure.
Today so many things have happened and NOT happened and I desperately want back that feeling I had a week ago, even hours ago. I ache for it, but if the cost of having that happiness is this horrible empty feeling afterward, then I'll pass.
Which is why I didn't want anything to do with boys to begin with. Where are my priorities? Somebody slap me.
And no, I'm not only upset cause of a dumb boy, there are other problems there too, but the boy seemed to have pushed me over the edge and magnified all the other issues.
Yea, I'm not jaded. Not one bit.
What's funny is after talking with friends and family about how to handle a situation and taking in all their feedback and finally hearing exactly what I wanted to hear, I still can't make up my mind about what to do. What's even more sad, is when somebody will tell me a story, and I usually mumble and grumble under my breath the word 'priorities' and at this moment in time I can't seem to get mine straight, even though I know what they are.
My priorities shouldn't be about some stupid boy, and though he wasn't in my mind much over the past weekend when he would send his charming texts, emails and IM'd he managed to weasel his way back in, if only for a moment. Lucky for me, I had other things to keep me occupied. My priorities should be about me setting focus and getting on my feet, and getting back on them quickly. Boys be damned.
Why is it that as women, or in my case anyway, that even though I have set up the best laid plans, something shiny and new comes along and manages to derail it? What is it with my adult A.D.D.? Why is it that I can never stay on the path that I intended? Why was I never taught the "focus and achieve" lesson as a child, and why is it so hard to find the willpower to teach it to myself? Why is it so hard to force myself to stay on course as an adult? Why do I get bored of anything so quickly? I really HATE that about me. I know what I want, I know how to achieve it, I know what it takes to get it, but why when it comes down to it am I too shy and scared ~ scared of failing ~ scared of being rejected ~ scared of someone smarter ~ or even worse, some less than average person, comes in and steals away from me something I want, just because they can talk it up better than me?
I'm not even talking about boys anymore. But this rant started because of one.
What's even more annoying is that I *almost* ruined a perfect birthday weekend because I put that boy on a pedestal that he didn't deserve to be on, especially in such a short amount of time. Even more annoying is that I keep referring to him, even though I don't want to. *slaps self*!! What's wrong with me? Why is it that guys have it so much easier, and they can just choose *not* to think of someone and it's *that* easy?
Why must I complicate my life? Why can't I put my priorities in order, in a row, listed by importance and start the ritual of checking them off as they are complete?
And why is it that my phone can't keep a charge for more than 28 hours here but in San Diego it could keep a charge for over 74 hours before whining and complaining that it needs to be plugged in? Do you see what I mean?
Why is it that a week ago I was in a state of happy bliss, even this weekend I was in bliss ~ then Sunday came, and it hit me that I have to go back to my reality, and the depression that left me in October somehow found its way back in my head, despite the blue skies overhead. I sense impending doom in my future and as someone once said to me, I'm setting myself up for failure.
Today so many things have happened and NOT happened and I desperately want back that feeling I had a week ago, even hours ago. I ache for it, but if the cost of having that happiness is this horrible empty feeling afterward, then I'll pass.
Which is why I didn't want anything to do with boys to begin with. Where are my priorities? Somebody slap me.
And no, I'm not only upset cause of a dumb boy, there are other problems there too, but the boy seemed to have pushed me over the edge and magnified all the other issues.
0 comments:
Post a Comment