When do you stop thinking in terms of 'We'?

When does that point happen? I've been going thru my three flickr accounts and trying to merge them all into one and in doing so I've come across very powerful images. Some of them take my breath away, others make me smile and 'remember the times. . .' and still others make me extremely angry, sad, remorseful and what have you. I can't bring myself to delete them because they are a part of me, and just cause I delete them doesn't mean they didn't happen.

I've never been much of a sentimental girl, but I find myself looking at certain calendar days as being special in some way. As in this happened this day, or I was doing this on that day . . . or even worse: "I never imagined I would be here (as in HERE, where I am N O W) a year ago today!". I always thought there would be that stupid Cinderella Happily Ever After ending between us. A funnier feeling is the sense of dread I get such as one in that the world is going to end today because something happened back then. . .

I'm not ready to talk about my past to people that are trying to get close to me. I'm even more selective about people I talk to in general. Aside from writing about my past to random internet strangers, it's hard to even talk about it to people that ARE close to me without getting emotional. As stupid as it sounds, I keep wondering if I did do the right thing. I wonder if I could have left in a less traumatic way. I wonder if I really did do everything I could to 'make things work'.

Does that mean I haven't healed?

I only think about these things because when I talked to my dad last, we didn't tell each other "I love you!" before we hung up. I know why he didn't (and it's not cause of a fight, but sometimes people wear blinders or have tunel vision) but after hearing it for so long and being so accustomed to it, it felt weird not saying it.

It made me think that "What if that is the last time I talk to him? I didn't say I loved him."

Which for some reason has made me thing of the last time I left the other half of my then "WE" and it wasn't good. At the time I was content with the departure, now I'm not so sure. It's not like I can take it back or ask forgiveness, but it's there, it's done and can never be undone. I don't know if it's shame or atonement I feel yet it is constantly on my mind as of late.

Even when referring to the old "we", I'm very careful about saying "the ex" "my ex" "my then BF" or any other past tense phrases to new people. I just say "my friend". It sounds better. I don't sound like a broken half of an old couple. People don't ask questions about the friend they way they would about "the ex" and better yet, they don't give me that LOOK of PITY.

This is me, a year ago today taken by the other half of that "We". Who knew I'd be where I am now.

Am I putting my old "WE" on a pedestal that we no longer need to be on?

I'm so glad I don't

Have food alergies.

Yesterday a co-worker and I were going to have Lebanese for lunch. Silly me pulled two dumb moves two days in a row. Day one, I forgot to leave the house with a camera battery AND my cel phone, so when the Downtown Dallas Gas Explosion happened, I wasn't able to take pix of it. I did see huge plumes of smoke from my manager's window. Day two, I didn't pack the CF card.

DOH!

I wanted to try to get a backup 512mb card, but radio shack was charging more for the smaller card than I paid for my card that was twice as large. Can you say: NO Thanks!? I thought you could. Feels good, doesn't it?

Anyway, back to Lebanese. By the time we got to the restaurant, there was a line. Can you hear me? I said it again: NO Thanks!

So what are the alternatives? Taca Cabana? Ugh. No.

I remembered asking my co-worker if he like Japanese food, and his first reaction was No. So I thougth about my question first. I said: Do you trust me? He said: yes, I said: We're going to have Japanese then. He gave me a look. I asked: Have you ever had it before?

No, isn't it all raw?

No, they have other stuff too, trust me you'll like it.

Ok.

So we found a place about a block away that I've been wanting to try. As we walked in, I loved it. It had a very eastern feeling without feeling like they were going over the top. I had my sashimi plate and he ordered some shrimp. Since we both had bento boxes, we also had Gyoza, salad, Cali rolls AND shrimp and veggie tempura.

He's not much of a fried food eater, but I suggested he try it all before dismissing it completely. He was skeptical of it being 'heavy' and when I assured him that it wasn't he tried it. Then I said something I never even thougth about or ever had any fears about saying before. The tempura was probably fried in peanut oil.

The look in his eyes nearly stopped my lunch.

I'm glad he doesn't have peanut alergies, but I'm greatful that I've never had to have any food fears or allergis. I love that I can eat everything, and feel bad for people that don't.

Another co-worker and I were just discussing lactose intolerance, prob one of the food allergies I do have, but I eat cheese an chai's anyway. Then suffer the consequences later. :)

Just getting old.

What is it with music today? Actually, it's not like this is new or anything but it just seems that the radios play nothing but crap. Not only do they play CRAP, but the same stations seem to play the same crap at the SAME time!!

Hello?

Don't you guys have program managers that like, I dunno talk to each other and make sure that you're all not playing the same crap at the same time? I'm sure running a radio station doesn't require a degree in rocket science and I'm sure they also have no problems hiring, oh say, you know the bottom of the class lowbies. But really, is it too hard to ask for a little but uniqueness to the lineup?

The listeners are what really crack me up, cause according to the radio stations, they're the ones requesting this garbage.

I've pretty much subjugated myself to internet radio and havn't really regretted the decision. One thing that made me feel old was when I was in my car not to long ago and one of the DJ's of one of those 'oldies' stations said something along the lines of 'classic' rock. . . GUNS -N- ROSES had just finished playing!!!!

Like OMG. . . when did that happen?

I remember watching the movie "Children of Men" (the whole movie is set in the future) and there is this scene where Michael Caine (who is up in his years, but still a mega hottie) and in this movie he is "OUR" age (Gen-X-year-old) but of course since it's in the future he's playing a fifty-ish year old.

Anyway . . .

He puts on his Living Colour on acid rendition of what sounded like "Cult of Personality" and rocked out with his strawberry smelling cigarettes, while Clive Owen (did I mention he's a hottie too?) looked on in amused questionment.

Why is it that I can see myself doing something along those lines when I'm fifty-ish years old?

Cause yea,

Here I am today, rocking out to my 90's Alternative Rock Internet Radio and I couldn't be any happier when my classic GNR comes on live radio.

Go me.

Things that irritate me (1)

People, especially absolute strangers ~ that think they can call me honey, darling, sweety, baby or any combination of those endearing names.

You're not intimately related to me. DO NOT speak to me as if I am YOUR pet. This is just something that immediately sets me off.

Attack of the Exes!

I asked my close friend last night if she believes things happen in threes. She asked me to elaborate, and I while was reserved about asking her, I went ahead and asked her anyway. It's better to get your aprenhensions out in the open than let them fester inside and eat away at you.

Well, I didn't think about what was really bothering me until yesterday.

But really, it started about two weeks ago, I got a courtesy email saying that yahoo was removing their picture feature and focus SOLELY on flickr. They said I had pictures in an ancient account and they would be deleted on a specific day and my course of action was to move them before that catastrophic event happened.

Those of you that really know me know that I never delete photos, not the originals anyway.

I found the pix that somehow were saved in some strange place for some strange reason I never remembered storing, but I do remember having ~ I felt sick seeing them. They were nothing bad but it was definately not my best memories. Since I had this old account opened, I thought I would see who sent me emails, or if there was any interesting spam coupons.

I felt even sicker when I saw that there was an email from someone *IN* the pictures I had just looked at. The only consolation I got from reading the message was that *I* was the one that WON. That person broke their silence and contacted me, even though in our last conversation I expressed extreme interest that I never wanted to be contacted again EVER under any circumstances. It goes to prove that even though people come and go in your life ~ they never truly leave.

-----

Then after work two more incidents happened back to back.

First was waiting to meet up with someone at a specific time, while I was waiting I decided to check my regular email. There was another message, this time from a different Ex, this one being my ex-husband. Now the circumstances here are completely different. We actually get along and our split was a mutual one. While we are not in constant contact, we do keep each other up to date on any major change in each others lives. While that wasn't always the case, that's the way our paths cross now.

I last spoke with him around thanksgiving, he was just following up to see if I've landed on my feet. Seeing his message just showed me that he still genutely cares.

-----

While this next one doesn't really mean it's the third, it's still an encounter of some sort. Yesterday I was deleting pictures from my phone that had already been uploaded. I found one of another guy I dated earlier this year (thought I don't consider an 'EX' ~ he was just someone that I enjoyed spending time with, but it just wasn't going to work). I also posted the picture to my flickr account before deleting it.

My friend wanted to know the story of the picture, I told her, we laughed.

Yesterday, I was walking into a store, and I heard one of those loud VRROOMMMM car sounds. The sound made me giggle inside but I didn't bother to turn my head. In the store, I saw an the guy I dated earlier this year!!

I stopped dead on in my tracks, looked and verified it was him and turned and walked the other way. I paid for my stuff and as I was walking back to my car, I saw that it was his car that made those VRRROOOOM sounds.

-----

So things happen in threes. Does that last one count, or is there another email encounter in the works?

It's starting to look like I have a LIFE

This past weekend I went back to visit my parents and brought my grandma along for the ride. Unknown to both of us my uncle and his girlfriend did lots of work in her backyard. She now has quite a few steps so she can walk around and not get bitten by those invisible - grass - feet - biter - bugs.

They also added quite a bit of concrete that they meant to add before my grandpa died. Because of all the rain and 'flooding' there is a part of her yard that tends to over flow into the garage, hopefully the concrete that was added will either stop or significantly reduce the water that sneaks into her garage. They have drains back there already, but there is only so much the drain can take away....

Back to my weekend, I ended up doing quite a bit of shopping. I'd put a little aside and have been trying to hit up the outlet stores when I have time to replace all the stuff I left behind. Unfortunately it seems that people here have no respect for anything and sometimes you find sheets with bubble gum stuck to them, rugs that have other funny things that have things hidden in them so outlet shopping here is not only time consuming but sometimes a bit of a let down.

Where my parents live, they actually take care of the stores and people seem to be 'too-good' to want to pay discounted rates for high quality stuff.

That's cool! More for me!

I found a duvet cover and sheet set with pillowcases. My next purchases, more pillows and a replacement feather-like comforter. I'd like some real rugs too, but my little cheapies will do for now.

For my kitchen I found a set of 3 colanders, a set of 3 mixing bowls, 4 oven safe soup bowls, a HUGE butcher board, sandstone coasters, a real to-go tea mug, 3 wine corkers ( a fancy one and a basic one) two bread knives ( fancy and plain) an oven mitt, 4 wine glasses, 4 martini glasses.

Next on my list: a garlic roaster, a chili roaster, wine rack, silverware tray, utinsil display and maybe some more baking sheets.

Cinders of course got some treats too. I got her a new bed that matches my new bed set and for the kitchen she got a new water bowl, placemat and several food dishes.

For what started off as a bad start ended up pretty good. Everything is starting to look better.

How much luckier do you want to get?

This year is 2007.

This month is July (seventh month)

Today is the seventh.

AND Today is Saturday (the seventh day of the week)

Earlier it was 7:07 am.

And nothing special happened. I just ate breakfast with my parents and my grandma. Lucky Me :)

Couldna had a crappier start

So I was packing up my bags last night for a weekend @ my parents house and really couldn't decide what I wanted to bring. I could't decide if I wanted to bring Ms. Cinders or not either.
This morning I overfed Cinders, gave her a large bowl of water and made sure her box was clean. I finished throwing some stuff in my pink suitcase, grabbed the stuff I borrowed from my brother (to return when I get back on Sunday) and left the house.

Normally I listen to the traffic report, but heard nothing out of the ordinary or unusual. I was getting annoyed with the radio stations on my way to work because they were all playing the 'best of shows' which involved old Paris Hilton Jokes and the other local 'hot' stuff that was over two months old. I realize around 7:58 that I'm STILL on the road and NO WHERE near work, so I scan for traffic reports on my car. Nothing. Just lame repeater talk radio and absolutely NO music.

LAME.

To top it off, I went to make the phone call that I'm stuck in traffic and guess what: No Phone. It's a home charging. I'm going out of town. I'm NOT going back home LATER to get my phone. My camera, its packed in my suitcase in the trunk.

Great.

@ 8:20 I am STILL sitting in traffic on the SAME Tollway. I've moved no more than 500 feet and I'm noticing that behind about 20 cars there are NO more cars. They're being forced off the Tollway by policemen. Some of the cars at the end of the line are driving in reverse just to get off the Tollway as well. If I were to do that I'd have to drive over 1000 feet and I'm not risking a ticket. I'm already late. Since I don't have my phone I don't really know (aside from just driving EAST) how to get to work form here. Plus there are still about 10-15 cars behind me.

Phoey. I'll just sit here. And go forward. Slowly. I screamed and shook my steering wheel. Maybe nobody noticed. All I had was Tool in my CD player. I played it loud.

I finally get off the tollway a little after 9. I'm sure lots of people in the country know about the rain in North Texas. Even on the radio during the non 'best of' repeats they said that the flooding area covers enough land to be the size of Mississippi.

I mean WOW. As if Texas isn't big enough, now over half of it seems to be under water. They said California was gonna fall into the Ocean. Guess the Texans beat 'em to it.
Here comes the HIGHLIGHT of my morning.

I'm about a mile away from work, sitting at a dead stop. I'm not one to have people drive around with me in cars, but I do occasionally have passengers. I've been teased on more than one occasion about the distance I leave between the car in front of me and myself. (Usually about 1/2 of the car I am driving's length).

It's been raining on and off all two hours of my morning. The roads are wet. The Dooley in front of me is sitting @ a stop, I'm stopped. I look behind me and hear a screeching. I can see in in my rear view. I have no where to go, there are cars to my left and a car about to pass me on my right. I take my foot off the break because I've heard its better that way.

SMACK!!!!

That guy had to have been going at least 20mph when he hit me. My car went forward at least five feet, or so it felt. I'm lucky the airbags didn't deploy and there wasn't more damage to MY car. His car is another story.

(I'm going to have to update more later) (my weeked starts now) (please let it get better)

Things that make me laugh.

I'm a commercial geek, here are some of my favorites that no matter how many times I see them, they typically make me laugh. If I'm having a cruddy day and I'm frowning ~ they pep me up!

The Pepto Bismo Monsters



Subaru's Ricky



Maybe I wanna be a french fry! (Burger King)


I'll add more to this as I think of them.

You're just a little rebel, aren't you?

So I took the plunge. I may have taken it a bit soon but I'm totally ok with that. I bought an item on my wish list that I've been wanting since I moved out and all I am waiting for now is the shipping. I've never really been one to get excited over things but I think for this one I actually feel a little elated, even if it's just slightly.

My parents loaned me their P&S camera back in November and I've gotten considerably more use out of it than they have, however using is is extremely frustrating because of lack of focus and features, not to mention the actual quality of the pictures and the ability to edit them fully.

Here's what I bought as a treat for myself for getting thru these past few months. I pulled out my old camera bag to make room for the new one. The thought briefly crossed my mind to sell my ELAN Canon, but I enjoy black and white photography (even thought I've not taken a B&W pic since 2003) and even with the direction that digipix are taking I can't bring myself to completely take the plunge and just sell it off. Besides ~ it still takes awesomely beautiful pix and I still have a huge bag of film to snap thru.

I justified to myself that once I can actually afford my true wish of the Canon 30D and then eventually the Canon 5D (hahah) then I'll either 'give' my camera to my parents or maybe to my lil brother (who's also a pretty awesome photographer in his own right).

I would have probably waited a month or two, or even after buying these lovely babies, but after seeing Rachels pix. I don't wanna wait!!! It's that instant gratification thing :) tee hee hee

Since I have a camera bag, a flash card, a mini tripod, a slew of filters all I really need for my new baby is a real tripod, a strap and maybe a larger CF card. Yup ~ I'm excited all right.

They finally listened.

One of the coworkers on my floor gets a little excited every time she finds out they've hired a new person with a spanish sur name. One time she got so excited her emotional outburst was to say "We're taking over BAYBEEEE!!!" She actually turned a few heads with that one.

For the longest time, I've wanted food network to have a hispanic chef and I just saw what looks like a preview for a show that revolves around Latin inspired dishes. Excellent! I've seen so many shows with chefs (food network seems to have an abundance of italians) that will talk about their foodie experiences growing up and not once have I ever heard them talk about (when showing their talents at say, making oh fish tacos) how it was family inspired. Those stories usually revolve around some vacation or mentor chef, and that's just not nearly as special, cool and inspiring yes, but just not something to make you say 'ahhhh how sweet'.

I love listening to the home stories about how they cooked with their parents or grandparents and with this show coming up ~ hopefully I'll finally get my wish. I can't wait to see what Ingrid has to offer. Her show starts July 14th. Check out the details here. I sent an email about a year and a half ago requesting a spanish chef, guess it didn't fall on deaf ears :)

I'm slightly excited. As my coworker says "We're taking over BABYEEEE!!"

2007 Fireworks

Ok well, there's a little story here. Of course my ramblings never make much sense to anyone except me.

This is my composite pic from last year.

I lucked out in my housing situation since the fireworks show was only about a mile away. (which is excellent cause I totally hate crowds, dealing with parking and those random loud dumb drunk public people). Last year I had a completely different life, in a completely different world (like any other geek girl fairy tale it was far far away) and that fireworks show was literally in my back yard, this year the show was up on my roof and slightly farther away.

I looked up the show online, it started @ 9:35 so I headed out with my little camera. As I walked down the hallway, it was strangely more quiet than usual. I headed up three flights of stairs to the rooftop lot and I hear music. As soon as I opened the doors it was like a mini tailgating party. Except quieter. Sweet. The smell of hot dogs was in the air.

Since the entire area is concrete, some kids were snapping their bottle caps on the ground and just about every car had their doors and trunks open with the radios all in tune to the fireworks show. Occasionally you'd hear neighboring complexes erupt in applause and see the occasional photo flash. I felt out of place since I seemed to be the only one out there alone, but no one bothered me so that feeling went away quickly.

I took 108 shots, about the same as last year. How strange.

The show lasted about 30 minutes and as soon as the finale was over, everyone that was on the roof got back in their cars and went back to their lives. I've never seen ANY cars on the 7th level until today. I love going up there once a week and seeing just how FLAT it is here. The rooftop here was what sold me on my housing choice. If it weren't for the weather, I'd probably be up there more often.

Watching the fireworks from my vantage point reminded me of the one year a friend of mine snuck me up into a government building (post 9/11) and we had our own private roof top show right on the San Diego Bay overlooking the Embarcadero. It was a beautiful show.

After seeing tonights fireworks I really miss seeing the reflection of the explosions on the water. There are enough lakes here, its a wonder why don't they have the shows out on the water? Less of a fire hazard you'd thing? I didn't see the reflections last year because of where I chose to watch the fireworks so that's one positive ~ right? It made me not miss it so much.

I wanna know why they chose to have their festivities tonight instead of tomrorow? Wonder if its the same reason I can't buy wine @ the grocery store.

Just add it to the list.

Well I did it, I survived June an I'm ready to take on July. I survived all the first time payments and deposits of all those bills such as High-Speed Internet Equipment Rental Deposits (why I can't use my own modem is beyond me) and all the stupid account setup fees and 'we just don't trust you' deposits that come with the insane price gouging electric companies here. I survived my car insurance doubling despite what I think was moving to a 'nicer' neighborhood (tell me again why I'm paying more when my car is now enclosed in a garage, I live in a gated community and my commute to work is 5 miles shorter ~ why am I paying MORE for car insurance?) I survived adding my mom to my mobile account and doubling my minutes ~ too bad D&G are no longer with my provider cause there goes all my 'free' calls ;).

I made it thru eating roast beef and avocado sammiches and micro-waved taquitos. I spent weekend after weekend @ home in June wondering if moving out and on my own was such a wise decision so quickly and after being presented with sleeping on my cousin's couch ~ I had the biggest smile on my face when I realized that I actually have a 'HOME' to go to and a bed of my own to SLEEP in. That was the greatest feeling and definitely made up for all those poor and broke weekends.

The plan originally was to stay with my brother no more than two months which is what did happen. What didn't happen (which was also part of my plan) was to buy and replace all that stuff that I no longer have. However what did happen was I ended up blowing alot of my money on new girly clothes for my new girly body as well as getting lots of stuff tailored and altered, spent alot of it going to salons and replacing all my hair products that were almost gone, helping out my parents, and spending more time in the salon removing hair and painting nails ;)

What I wanted to do was replace my camera, get a fluffy bed, find that perfect couch and of course replace all my lost wares in my ultimate kitchen.

I got a loaner camera, a loaner bed, a loaner lazyboy, and I'm slowly but surely replacing my kitchen gadgets one by one.

After getting my rent taken care of, I decided it was time to celebrate and cook one of my favorite dishes: Shrimp Scampi!! (I really need to get some more favorite dishes btw ~ once I get a DVR, I can work on that :))

I go to my grocery store (the one with the bank, not the one I wanted to go to) and to my disappointment they didn't ice up my shrimp and they DIDN'T have ANY liquor. WTF? Mannies grocery store in BFE sells wine, and the grocery store I wanted to go to sells it too (about 2 miles away). Oh well. I was given directions to the liquor store around the corner and eventually ended up home.

Well guess what? I don't have a corker. DOH! So now my shrimp is prob cooking itself in the warm air cause of all the driving and I don't have even a screw to pop open my wine bottle.

I tried to improvise and use my brothers drill ~ it wasn't nearly as funny as this, especially since it didn't work. I opened the door to my apt and just so happened to have a neighbor walking by who did have a corker. Sweet. I thanked her and went on to making my dinner.

The shrimpies felt a bit dry but over all the dish was wonderful. Not to mention I now have butter, pepper flakes, parsley, parmesan, balsamic vinegar and olive oil ~ so now I can cook more italian stuff later this week.

I need to add a bread knife and a corker to my list. I was soo happy with the outcome and can't wait to eat leftovers tomorrow.