what do you want to be when you grow up?

It's something that I think about alot, especially these past few weeks. What do I really want to do with myself? What do I want to do to make money? I've tried doing the what my hobby is as a career, but then that ended in me not wanting to do it anymore, because my hobbies became more like work, more like an unwanted obligation rather than the motivation to create beautiful works of art.

This was photography btw. While I still love to take pictures, I don't want to do it as a job.

I know I want to finish my education, but in what field ~ I can't make up my mind. As they say, I can't see the forest thru the trees. I started off in Architecture, but as I've said before they don't make the kind of money straight out of college that I want and I don't really want to be a drafter.

Then there is I.T. I hate this industry, it's the most thankless under appreciated career there is out there, but the pay.... The pay lets me live the life that I've grown accustomed to. The other thing, trying to get the correct college courses might sometimes mean that I have wait for classes. This is probably going to be my default settling choice because for me, it's all about the money.

And what about nursing? I've thought about this field from time to time, but I just don't think I really have it in me to deal with or be around bodily functions. I know *everybody* poops and pees an does other unmentionables.... but do I really want to be paid to study it under a microscope? The money is good, and people are always sick or do stupid thinks... Ever read about the darwin awards? Who do you think takes care of them? That's right, nurses!!!

There is also I.T. workers who work in the healthcare industry.... One thing that really irritates me about healthcare are the insurance companies.... and their politics. It angers me that some of the people in these professions care more about themselves or what the insurance companies dictate rather than the person suffering...

The same goes for the I.T. industry. Some geeks care more about going thru the motions of a workorder rather than solving the actual problem.

How about graphic arts? But what about how cut throat it is? It's not like any monkey can make something really unique and market it. Ever hear of starving artists? Cause we all know there is no such thing as fresh new and unique, at least not for long.. Everything now days is all about industry standards. Even the most unique artists out there end up selling out eventually, just to pay the bills and live the life they eventually grow accustomed to. Is that what I really want? This becomes more like the 'hobby as a career'. Hmm, bad idea.

Interior design? Is this the kind of job out there that actually requires me to 'sell' something, sell myself? sell carpet? manipulate people into thinking they 'need' this or they 'need' that? In my view people usually don't 'need' much of anything. They WANT it and THINK they cannot LIVE without it, or worse: that if they get what they think they 'need' that their lives will become somehow fulfilled with material possessions. That somehow if they get this or that, their lives are better somehow. This is truly an american trait. Only americans do this and because of all forms of mass media, this is starting to spread out like a disease worldwide.

What was I saying?

Oh yea, career choices.

Lets see, I could get a job on a second or third shift somewhere while I finish my college education. But what do I want as my major? Business? Mathematics? Architecture? Computer Science? Nursing? Psychology...

That's something I've been thinking more and more about. The drawback with psychology is that I'm more interested in studying it for myself and diagnosing my own problems, initially anyway. On the flip side, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to work with women like in a women's clinic or in a women's shelter like Becky's House. I really want to understand why women are self destructive or go thru detrimental relationships. I want to understand more about self esteem and self respect. I want to know why some have more than others or at least how some are able to pull off the act better than others. I think this is something I seriously need to spend time volunteering for though (rather than taking on as a career) just because I think I can't emotionally handle it without screaming at how unfair it all is.

I do want to understand more about depression, especially in women and teen girls. but do I really want to get paid for that?

Last job / career option, making toys and froo froo stuff ~ but again goes along the lines of turning a hobby into a job. So maybe not.

So really, what DO I want to do when I 'grow up'? It's looking more and more like I.T. or business.

"So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?"

Seriously.

This was a pickup line relayed to me from a girlfriend of mine. I jokinly said back to her "Only if I can mix my own drinks" and the only reason I said that to her, was because in the ladies room plasted all over my stall were fliers for anti-roofies. . .

I'm in the middle of nowhere small town Texas, USA. So WHY are there flyers about the date rape drug in the toilet stalls? I NEVER saw anti-roofie flyers in any stall in San Diego. Just the sink lady(s) offering candy, gum, condoms, shooters, soap, towels, cat toys and other goodies in her magic bottomless basket. Oh wait, its cause San Angelo is THE Meth/Ice capitol of the Bible Belt, they just don't say that in their tour guides. Maybe it's because it's the drug capitol that I found these three potential hunking 'quality' manz that I just HAVE to share with you so you can laugh as much I have been in telling this story all day to my cousins, aunts, other men, friends.... (and anybody else that will listen)

Let me just start this by saying that I had a GREAT time with my friend. I'm really glad she asked me to come along with her and all the margarita type drinks we shared :) The 'men' I ran into on the other hand . . . really made me thankful to know there are quality men out there like my brother or my cousin and even her brother out there. So I know all men are not as bad as these three. . .

Man 1. Pushy, but take charge kinda guy. Dragged me to the dance floor, offering to 'teach me how to dance'. I will give this to him, he was a good dancer (I think, I only say this because I myself can't dance so anybody is a better dancer than me that point in time last night). He twirled me this way and that way, but he kept his beer in one hand while twirling me in the other. I thought he was pretty good with the switching the beer bottle trick.

(oh yea, in TX you can SMOKE inside ..... so I couldn't exactally SMELL how drunk this fine speciman of man was, until....)

The song was over and we started to walk off the dance floor, he was holding my waist and guiding me to the exit, very nice very romantic very gentleman-ly (and really made me miss that 'sense of touch' heheh) the he leans into my ear and shouts "I GOTTA GO TAKE A PISS"

Did you HEAR the record scrape? Cause I swear that boom boom in the room got all quiet.

and if I was starting to get a girly boner, he really killed it with that statement..... /chop

About five minutes later...

He finds me again, takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor. I was SOOOO glad his hands were not wet, but still couldnt resist the urge to shout at him "I hope you washed your hands". I can't say that he understood what I had said much less heard it, so when he said this next line after the dance I wasn't sad that I didnt' run into him the rest of the night.

He said something about some honey in his life... then mentioned he had a 9 month old daugher at home, and something about her bud smoking mother. Just great. All I need is some pot smoking latina coming after me thinking I want her manz. Sorry lady, you can have yo manz. I dun wan him. /oh snap!!!

Man 2. When I started talking to him, I didn't notice the OTHER side of his face and the tear shaped tattoo under his eye. Hmmm according to urban legand, that means he killed somebody, right? Just checking. So this fine hunka man leans in and shouts to me "I JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR" If I had any fuzzy dice, trust me I woulda given them to him as a parting gift for the second place runner up in most 'useless information given to Lynda tonight'. He then proceeds to tell me that the reason he bought a new car was because he wrecked his other car.

I just looked at him. I mean really, what was I supposed to say in any normal situation? Cause they never taught me that in all those fancy dating websites I've looked at. Just looking at him and grinning or smiling wasn't gonna cut it.

He continued to speak. He wrecked his car because he was too drunk to drive. He wrecked it IN FRONT of the PO PO house!!!! He tells me this like he is PROUD of his accomplishment!!!! I had not even known the guy for five minutes and he's giving me these details. . . What kind of woman is attracted to this man? Who did he go home with? and why do I care?

He asked for my number. I didn't give it to him. What I shoulda told him was I wrecked my phone.

Man 3. The icing on the cake. I'm standing next to my friend and she leans over to me, laughing "So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?" WHAT, and really WHAT kind of man thinks he can even TRY to get away with asking this kind of question, or more like... DOES that line REALLY work?? and hello, I am 31, THIRTY ONE years old!!!! I'm thinking that MAYBE this man is at LEAST within five years of my age. DON'T you HAVE a house? an apartment? or are you ashamed of your roomate 'Ms. Manzmom'

Maybe its the material girl in me, cause we all know I am one ~ and I'm sure you've all figured out that it's not something I try to hide, but if you want a piece of me, you BETTER have your own place that doesn't involve living with your parents under the same roof (yea did I tell you I'm also a hiprocrite /grin, since I am now among the ranks of those that 'live with mom') (too bad she doesnt' have a basement cause then I'd be pimpin)

Anyway, after those three menz. My feet really started hurting, and I came to the conclusion that I was a loser magnet for the night so we went to chill @ whattaburger and laugh about the nightly events.

Just so you know, these are my standards, some of them can be negotiated, but there's not much room for it.

-no smokers. period. I will NOT date you if you smoke.

-no alcoholics, drinks are ok, but if you *need* to drink *alot* everyday.... then I'm never gonna make you happy, and neither are your drinks

-no more menz with kids, sorry I don't want to be second place in *anybody's* life. yes I am a selfish bitch.

-must have vehicle. I will not drive you around, unless you need to get your oil changed or your flat fixed.

-must have 'space of your own'. I don't really want to date a man with a roomate, but hey. I can appreciate that you might be saving for something more.

Notice my song? tee hee hee

it's turkey day, time to get all mushy

Again with the thinking... and I've been doing alot of it recently, especially today and yesterday and trust me I have lots ot write about but I doubt that it will all fit in this single blog.

First of all with today being Turkey day and all that, I have been thinking of all that I have to be thankful for and of course I have my family and friends. Without all of you, I might have:

a) had some serious damage done to me, either self inflicted or done by a known second party

-or-

b) still be seriously miserable and alone *in* a relationship

I am thankful that neither of those horrible things happened. I am thankful that I am a much happier person today than I was a month ago. I am thankful that today I DID NOT have to eat off the $.99 menu at Jack-in-the-Box like last year and pretend I was "ok" with it when in reality I broke down and cried on the walk back to my apartment. I was really grateful that I didn't have to walk past anybody on that long walk home.

I am thankful that I have two very understanding, patient and non-judging, non-getting-involved-unless-the-child-asks parents. I am grateful that I have the most kick ass family out there, both immediate and extended. I am grateful that my mother doesn't ask me or my new sister in law "Where are my grandkids". And I'm really thankful for my wonderful new pro-pet-as-a-grandchild-sister-in-law. Because now I don't feel like such a freak for choosing to NOT have kids. I'm glad my mother was happy with having Carlo-the-Iguana as a grandchild (at one point).

I am glad I have a crazy kitty like Cinders in my life and glad that she puts up with being stuck in her carrier and going from bedroom after bedroom or bathroom or wherever small place I can keep her with me close by. I'm glad I could finally tell my mother how much the Cindercat means to me and that she understood why I can't just let the Cindercat go. I realized the other day that I've had the Cindercat as long as me and my first marriage crumbled.

(Which happened on December 6, 1996 btw and Cindercat joined me in August 1997) (Her name is Cinders cause I burned her whiskers with a lighter, plus she's all-black) (true story)

So Cindercat and me have had plenty of adventures together and she's not going anywhere, except with me! I'm glad that she still wakes me up in the morning with her potent CinderLick. I think it's adorable that she sits in my lap (and yes I know it's dangerous for both of us) when we go on our car trips. I'm glad that she's an affectionate kitty and she seems to melt most cat-hater hearts.

I said most, not all cat-haters.

I am thankful for the patience that I have when I want to scream because I am used to peace and quiet. Because someone gave me a *tip* earlier this year when I was frustrated with a person in my life. All I wanted them to do was SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to know how to make them shutup without starting a fight, and my *tip* was just "Say OK." So I tried it, and it has worked with far better results what I would have ever expected on multiple occasions!!!

Those two little letters have stopped many situations from blowing up more than they would have this past month.

I am thankful that my mother was able to pull off both giving me roots and giving me wings. I found my wings long ago and I'm just now starting to find my roots (maybe because I came home) and I know why I am the way I am. Because of these roots, I hope to not make the same mistakes over and over. Because of my wings I am glad that I was able to experience my life as it has played out so far and hope to have many oportunities to use them again.

I'm glad I have the following people in my life, in no special order:

Mom - for trying, for being there when I need you. for listening.

Dad - for not asking questions.

DRH - for the loving relationship we have

GVH - for finding somebody close to me that makes you happy

MAV - for picking up where we left off, no judgement, but smarter and wiser, and able to share battle stories and compare notes. for a sounding board. for all the advice.

JDV - for trying to find yourself, for being my cheerleader. Listen to your heart and know that I'll love you no matter what you decide.

JV - for explaining your reasons.

TM-(G) - for those four hour phone calls cause we just can't get to Starbucks in Mission Valley no more.

DSA - for listening to me bitch on more than one occasion until 4am on the foot of your stairs. For giving me points of view I would have never thought about. For offering to care for CinderCat again.

ADK - for staying. period. for cooking *all* (and I mean all, especially that snow pea chicken all those years ago, even though I didn't eat it) those wonderful meals that we used share and discuss everything or sit in silence and be comfortable. For the cranberry oatmeal cookies that made me cry (in a good way cause it showed just how much you really cared) cause you saved some for me.

AH - also for those four hour phone calls, and for laughing with me AND for laughing AT me. If you didn't I never would have laughed at myself, for your sense of humor cause you appreciate my crassness. For never saying ' tell me how you really feel' when I do say how I really feel, explicitives and all.. For sharing your stories of your life with me so I can do the same for you.

RW - For all the entertainment and those hunky firefighters and beautiful boys in your life to look at. For your private messages that show me how much you really care. You've made my day on multiple occasions.

VG - For asking 'do you remember me', cause I could never forget you, and I'm grateful for the time we still get to spend together

TW - for listening, for encouraging, for asking, for all the updates.

JJV - cause you listen and really care even though we don't really know each other

For my own understanding that my situation is going to be what I make of it. I choose not to be unhappy anymore. I realize that this chapter in my life can be as short or as long as I want. I will find the best possible outcome I can. I have the support group to help me thru this.

I love you all and hope your turkey was as delicious as mine. I am thankful for my new extended family I was able to share it with today.

so yea,

It's been a week and I still have all these emotions going thru my head. My trip was uneventful and smooth. I spent 21ish hours driving from the wild wild west to wild wild west texas.

The cats did pretty good after I got out of San Diego so I let them out of the carriers and Fatty pretty much just found one place and didn't move from his location the entire trip. No pooping no drinking no eating, just sleeping. Good boy!!! Cinders on the other hand decided to run away twice in Yuma..... Where she was going only she knows but she gave it a good try, twice. After that I stuck her ass back in her kitty carrier and wrapped it in a blanket so she wouldn't get anymore crazy ideas.

In El Paso the wind decided to kick up and I'm not exaggerating here, seriously the wind was blowing about 60+ MPH. At the time I only estimated it to be around 40MPH.... But when I got knocked over just walking from my car to the cashier I knew something was up. Didn't matter, since the wind seemed to be pushing my car along.

Let's see, Fatty went back to his original mommy, I'm gonna miss his pretty eyes... His name reverted to Prince, but to me he's always gonna be Fatty. >^..^< Cinders is still with me. I feel bad for her since she's been stuck in one room or another for a little over two weeks now and she's used to having like 20+ hiding places. About the only place she has to hide now is under the bed and as soon as I walk in the room she gives up her hiding spot.

My feelings are still everywhere... One minute I'll be really happy and two minutes later I have tears welling up in my eyes. I'm thinking it's cause I've got way too much time on my hands here in San Angelo. You have no idea how boring it really is here..... My parents are internet-less, but they do have cable TV. I have no video games aside from my GBA and both of those games I've beaten...>< I did finally find an internet cafe so I no longer have to drive all the way to my aunts ranch just to use her DSL line.

Basically, I have no interest in going to a bar just to find some tobacco chewing cowboy. If you want to eat anywhere "nice" here they have like an hour wait... Hello!!! it's OLIVE GARDEN!!! The mall..... Dillards was nice. Movies... nah, not til I get some sort of income anyway, for now it's just frivolous spending. Basically I'm doing alot of sleeping and let me tell you I am WELL rested. I can't even take pictures cause everything out here is dead, plus I only have my film camera... not exactly 'free' like them nice shiny digitals.

Heh, so here I am whining about it.

Somebody slap me!!

In the meantime on Thursday I'm going to DFW finally. I'll be staying with family for a little while. Hopefully I'll find work quickly, hopefully something permanent.... and I can move out and give Cinders more than one room to roam in. Unless I get a studio / loft or as they're called out here... efficiency apartments lol. Then Cinders is still in one room, but at least she doesn't have to hide from the doggies or allergic people.

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm healthy, I am happier. I'm smiling a hell of a lot more than I was a month ago.

Which popped in my head.. I've been getting strange phone calls (2 of them) One was last week when I was driving @ 6am TX time.. from 'private caller'. Nobody answered. I got another call from the 858 area code... but they hung up before I even answered. I got a few IM's from random people too. But don't worry, I'm not gonna fall for it or respond to them. I just wanted to bitch about it.

I'm guilty of wanting too much too fast. It's my own fault I am where I am and it took me six years to get here. I hope it doesn't take six years to get out of this hole. I have a very long road ahead of me and from here it looks like it's all going to be uphill. It's funny though because I am setting small goals for myself, and while right now some of these goals seems trivial and simple they are very hard to accomplish.

Example? Well on my laptop when I moved here last time, I kept my time set on Pacific Time. As soon as I got here last week, the first time I turned on my laptop I changed the time and then I called my cousin and shared this information with him. This is what I mean by trivial goal. It was REALLY HARD for me to do this, I actually got emotional when changing my time zone and clock. Even when I told him about this I felt my voice crack, but I shook it off!!! :) He then proceeded to share with me some of his accomplishments with his moving on stages.

I still need to change my address. I hate pumping gas here, since my zip code is not local, I keep having to go inside to pay... /grumble

I'm lazy about changing it though since all of it is paperless. So I don't have to worry about my bills showing up at creepo's house. I should change them anyway for piece of mind....

Speaking of which, I just did it all online. Go Me!!

And another thing. I can't call any of the convenient Verizon phone numbers from here.... UGH!! So I paid my bill a few days late. Hopefully no late charge will pop up.

I wanna get my new license and transfer my car plates / insurance over here. That's gonna have to wait a little while though. Like prob a long while since the insurance was just paid in full this past July, and my license is good until 2009. But still having new shineys will be nice.

Blargh... these damn emotions. I want to get off this roller coaster!!!! See what I mean about these feelings?

a reason to celebrate

While it has not quite been one full week since I left it is still a mile stone. I survived the first day. Now I've survived the first week. My next celebration will be the first month. While I am not quite on my own, I am out of that horrible relationship and that is filling me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

With that said my car is all packed up. The cats are busy hiding from the carriers in the room and will eventually come out and smell them. The benadryl is also ready to be fed to them so I won't have to listen to their howls on this long trip.

I'm gonna take a nap for now and the next time I sleep in a bed will be in another state. I'll be ready to start my new life.

my feelings are everywhere

Don't you just hate that antsy feeling? That feeling you get when you have a plan and can't wait to get things rolling. I feel that right now. I've made up my mind about what I want to do and what I want out of my life; now I can't wait to get started.

I decided to leave tonight.

This past Friday I spoke to a recruiter in the DFW area and after getting off the phone with her I felt as high as a kite. Let me tell you even if nothing comes out of that conversation that we had, speaking with her gave me more HOPE than I've felt in a long time. I can't wait to get to DFW and start knocking down doors in their job market. That's assuming that I get a job, which is what I meant when I said in case our conversation never goes anywhere.

However this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I got another call on my cel from a recruiter here in the SD area. She had a job she was offering me and she wanted me to start TODAY!!! The pay that was offered was decent, but as I looked around the bedroom with my piles of *stuff* that looked like I was slumming because I have no place to put it except on the floor. I looked in the mirror at the towel wrapped around me that wasn't mine. I was overcome with anger that I had taken a shower in a stall that was not my own. I asked her if I could call her back in 5 minutes because I had no idea that anybody but Sam could make my blood boil so quickly.

I was angry with the recruiter that she called me a week too late. I was even more angry that I've been here five months and this was the FIRST offer I've had since I've been here. I was angry with myself for being wet and vulnerable and answering the phone from a number I did not recognize. I was angry with my displaced stuff on the floor in this bedroom of order and perfection. I was angry that my life is upside down and it's my fault for making bad decisions. Decisions I laugh about when I hear that strangers and fictional characters do the stupid things I am now guilty of.

Say it with me: hypocrite. Yep that me all right. Me.

I AIM'd a few people wanting their immediate feedback. I had already made up my mind to turn down the job, but I always want the reinforcement that I am about to make the right decision. I called the owner of the shower, but no answer and I remembered them telling me about going to the doctor. I also talked to my cousin and mom both of whom were in agreement to just 'come home asap'. One thing I have learned about myself just recently that if I am looking for feedback, it's a good sign. It's bad when I make a decision and tell nobody of it.

I gathered my composure and called the recruiter back. I politely thanked her for the offer and for considering me but that I was going to have to turn her down. I mean even if the job was for two weeks, I'm not going to get paid for at least three if not four weeks. I want to go home NOW. I'm tired of living the way I have been for the past week.

While I am thankful for the opportunity to say here in San Diego a bit longer just so that I can say my goodbyes to my friends, but I don't like this feeling of displacement. I don't like that I am not a "guest" like when you have friends that are visiting for the week and those friends will eventually go back to their own "home". If anything I feel like and I am an inconvenience to somebodys lifestyle.

I want to go home. I want to be with my family. I want to start over. I want to start recovering. I want to put this all behind me. I want to forgive myself for making such stupid decisions. I want to get a home where I can eventually sleep in my own bed or on my own couch and bath in my own shower stall. I want to just _________ (fill in the blanks cause I want to be in control of my own life!!)

But first I have to change the oil in my car and fill it up with a full tank of gas. I have to get more food for my kitties and litter too. Last I need to repack my car so it's as comfortable as can be for the long drive ahead.

I can't wait to get started. There is hope. I feel it.

rambling

I've been staying at my friends place since Monday evening and I knew when I started this new journey that this stop would be a short one, like really, really, really short. Like so short that I plan to hit the road on Tuesday (just not sure of WHEN on Tuesday) but Tuesday none-the-less.

But anyway I was given alternate options so that I could stay in San Diego longer, but I really do feel that my time here has long past it's expiration date even before this last Monday. Also judging by past experiences and the history of certain men in previous life, well I'll just say it bluntly: I don't feel safe here.

Both physically and because I have also been known to fall back into stupid old habits (so in this sense I don't feel safe from myself, because I always fell for his tricks). I don't physically feel safe because Sam is just a creep. I'm sure that he will use the people that he knows (people like his police friends) to track me down and find out where I decide to move to, that is if I were to stay here. He's harassed me on my cel and at work in the past. The man also know's how to pick locks. I'm not saying that I have proof that he's ever broken into my home before but he has invaded private information. I won't even bring up how his methods of finding out that stuff because those are pretty creepy stories themselves.

So here I am, just waiting for the harassment to begin. . . and the more time that passes the safer I feel. The more hope I feel that he will really leave me alone this time, because it was never ME that wanted him back, it was always him WANTING me back in HIS life. I overlooked too many things. I ignored too many signs

I feel the anger rising again, and this is supposed to be a blog about hope...

I would hope to think that after having lived thru so much emotional and physical pain and suffering that I know that no matter what kind of monetary compensation he *was* able to provide it never made up for what he couldn't give to me in a normal loving and emotionally nurturing environment.

Hopefully I will remember the pain of this relationship and FINALLY learn that "IT BURNS WHEN I STICK MY HAND IN THE FIRE". As opposed to the six or more previous times before when I always forgot the pain. I always ignored all other warnings and signs of impending doom that no matter how miserable I ended up that the shineys that I was compensated with somehow made up for it. I clung to those stupid shineys. Well I got no shineys to show for now. Those shineys were a low price to pay for the damage to my self esteem and the detrimental damage to my soul.

I thought of that when I was walking in Bed Bath and Beyond today when I realized that the world is moving on and it's yet ANOTHER christmas season and it's really not the end of the world. And as I walked up and down the isles I had a sudden urge for home made apple cinnamon and caramel cider. Well I'll be... Guess what? My cappichino maker that I've had for 14 years... Guess what? That's ALSO one of the victims of my tornado relationship. My capachino maker, it's GONE! So this year I'll have to settle for one of those crappy creations from Starbucks. Yuck.

I mean... YUM!! It will taste so much better knowing that I have a NEWER BETTER SHINIER capachino maker to go shopping for in the future (even if I *ONLY* use the damn thing around holiday season) and hey, it's 15 years old, I'm sure this new one will clean my counters for me or something, Right? psssht! dream on. or as the milky way girl would say "whatev!"

So there, that was a little bit of hope, and even a goal. Even if it is a material goal with no thought of any realistic priorities.

I had one person tell me that I should go and get my stuff back. But I don't want it, because if I have to deal with Sam again in anyway then he gets what he wants. He gets the attention from me. He gets the control. The more and more I think about the time that I did share with him, the man NEVER went out to do anything with anybody, ever.

He watched football at home, he never went over to *his buddies* to watch a game, never went out socially, ever. The relationship with his kid. . . I never understood. Because unless I probed him about spending time with her, she was never over and she NEVER told him about parent-teacher nights, which was funny because I knew when they were just by looking at her school calendars.

You might think that just by my writing that he's getting some form of control and attention, but If I don't document this in some way, then I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again. Yes I know I am complaining or feeling sorry for myself or venting or bitching, but my soul needs to throw up. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm so tired of not knowing why I'm angry much less where to direct my anger.... I'm so tired of being confused and wondering what I did to deserve this or worse if this is what I deserved. I'm so tired of holding on to this sickness. I'm so tired of being at the bottom.

I want to move on. I want to put this all behind me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to smile again. I want to be around people that love me for who I am. I want hope.

Do I have a point you ask? I started out with one, but I can't keep a straight thought in my head.

Is it that obvious? Glad it's not just me that thinks that.

the roller coaster ride of the grateful angry girl

I have so many things I am grateful for right now. Yep it is that time of year, the time to give thanks, where it's better to give than to receive, blah blah blah. I wish I could say that I've had a good year, and this time last year I was wishing I could have said that about 2005 but both years were pretty shitty in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully in 2007 I can look back and say that I've finally 'grown-up' or at the very least accomplished something.

I know that when I was 21 and going thru my first and hopefully *ONLY* divorce, I set my goals to own a BMW, have an established career as an architect and hopefully be on my way to start a family. Well dammit I *still* want my BMW!! As far as the architect thing goes... maybe not so much cause see they don't make that much money, drafters make more than architects but drafters don't *CREATE* things they just draw out what the architect thought up. And well, I'm a creative being. As for the family . . . well let's just say that I'm a selfish bitch and there's no way I'm gonna ruin my beautiful body for some ungrateful child. I like my feet the size they are, I already have issues with the width of my hips and don't want them to get any bigger and as for my boobs, they're perfect the way they are and I don't want them to change. I'm sure all you mothers out there want to tell me other wise and feel free to give me your opinions, but please ~ I've had a pseudo child already and that experience was enough of a heartbreak for me that I never want to go thru it again.

I'm 31 now, a whole 10 years later and I have nothing to my name (well except maybe a cel phone, but that's it and I doubt my gym membership is still current). I don't have a job and it sux. I have not had a *real* *steady* job since 2001. Sure not working was fun in the beginning, but that got really old really fast. I miss being around people, even the cruddy office workers that get on your every last nerve. Can you believe I actually *WANT* to sit in traffic? I want to go out and have lunch dates and go on my 15 min lunch walks. I want to sit thru meeting after meeting discussing the status of department X and the budget for the upcoming quarter. I want to hear about "Jane's" past weekend fling. I want to stand around and hear the racy chitchat over the office coffee maker. HELL, I even want to complain about how crappy the coffee is!! As much as I want to hang out with my San Diego buddies, I hate that because I have no job, well hello!! I have no money!! UGH!!!! So it's not like I can call them up and say "hey it's Lynda, wanna meet up and have some coffee or get together for some drinks, and buy the way, would you mind paying for me too, kthxbye!" Yea people really love that... And what money I do have, I need to hold on to so I can pay that damn cel phone bill for the off hand chance that some potential job hunter wants to talk to me!!! This is not a situation I imagined myself being in when I was 21!!!!

I am grateful that I do not have any credit card bills, but because of this I also have poor credit. Yea I do have **a** credit card, but I don't ***use*** it. Because I'm not working if I can not afford something in cash then I don't buy it. The asshole told me this one time that 'when you don't have a job then items cost double'. I had to think about what the asshat said for a few minutes but he did have a point. I don't need certain things to survive. I don't need to go to Macy's and buy that sexy ass ninety-dolla tank top that makes me look like I can take on the world. (but you know what, going and trying on clothes is *almost* just as fun) Hey that was too bad for me since I used to LOVE to collect shineys. At the same time because I stopped collecting these worthless trinkets it made my last move out a little easier, that and I got to toss out all those size 14 clothes I was holding on to in a move PRIOR to this recent one.

And speaking of my recent evacuation, I left behind so many things and for this I am very angry. I left my second generation ipod (which hey, I wanted to ditch the paperweight anyway. It would only play 2 hours worth of music which was just about the amount of time I would spend at the gym doing my work outs ~ the good news is, I have the charger, the dock and the headphones so I have spares for the day I get to upgrade to a new ipod). I also left my most favorite down comforter, which hey I can always buy a newer better, thinner but warmer/cooler better one anyway right? I won't even go into details about how many tools I left behind. Some of those tools my dad bought for me. Tons of screwdrivers the ones with the + and the - on the end (shows how girly I am) in EVERY size you can think of!!! Hey I used them for my computers!!! My hammers, even my rubber mallet, my vice-grips, my pliers, even my damn wire cutters!! They were all left behind. I left all my winter coats... now how stupid of a move was that? It's practically winter!!! I'm gonna be cold soon.... Even my most prized Banana Republic PINK trench. It's GONE!!! My three lovely black different length pea coats, for when I wanna go all Trinity from the Matrix on your ass, ALL GONE!!! My awesome green rain coat, yep you guessed it, GONE!! My sony 32" TV it's there too. I don't want it though, I want a newer sleeker slimer sexier flat panel. The chest, the heirloom chest the TV was on, that my mother bought when I was born, ITS GONE!!!

I keep telling myself they are just items, all they will do is weigh me down. I don't have any place to store them, they won't fit in my car. As it is the drive home is going to be very uncomfortable. My car is full of all the clothing I could stuff in it, plus two kitties that were VERY vocal and VERY unhappy just driving the 55+ plus miles to my temporary refugee asylum (that I am grateful that I was given as an option). But I am PISSED off that I do not even have the option of going in and retrieving these items of sentimental value. The last time I wanted to get things back from the asshat I had to get the police involved and even then I *STILL* did not get everything I requested. It's best to think of it this way, a tornado came thru my life and everything was destroyed. I have the ability to acquire newer better prettier shineys!!!! Cause DAMIT I DESERVE THEM!!!

But in order to get the shineys I need a jobbie. I wonder if starbucks is hiring? Hey, I gotta start somewhere right? So what do I want to accomplish? Getting and keeping a job would be nice.

Comments, Suggestions, Feedback, Input? Hey it's cheaper than going out and paying for my coffee.

It's over . . . again . . . for good this time . . . I mean it!!!!!

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*****There is ALOT to read here, so go grab a drink*****
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I don't know how many times I've left or attempted to end this relationship that I've had, but it's to the point where I don't think I can count them on one hand anymore.

Yesterday he comes into the bedroom and tries to be all machismo with his messed up hair, his nasty morning breath and his stinky ass slept in four days clothes and tells me to 'start acting like a girlfriend, or leave'. And I look at him. He asks if I heard what he said?

Yes.

He asks me to repeat it, as if doing that will make me say more than one word back to him. So I repeat what he said. At the same time thinking to myself that there is no way to act like a girlfriend to him any longer. The only choice that I have is to leave. I will not pretend to love this man anymore after the way that I've been treated in the last four months, not to mention the years before then.

Sure, he paid my bills, bought me a home <>(or more specifically bought the home that *I* picked out, I really have no idea WHY he bought the home itself and I use the term *home* loosely since it was never a *home* it was a *house* that two people occupied space in. A *house* where there was no promise of any progression. A *house* where both people kept secrets and told lies. A home is someplace where you invite friends over and have good times with, a home is a place where you put up your most prized photos and when people come over to visit they ask to hear the story behind the photo, a home is a place where you take great pride in decorating. The *home* I had displayed none of these traits. My home had no photos much less holes in the walls, there was no painted walls or any decorations of any kind. Shit I was lucky that we even had BLINDS on the fucking windows) and these last few weeks there has not been one second of any of those days where I did not feel *safe* in my own home. < /end rant here >

Sure he bought me food and by this I'll state that his version of food is consuming products that come from a drive thru window or come out of a styrofoam take out container. Oh yea and don't forget the FLAMING HOT TOBASCO SAUSE to kill your fucking tastebuds and make your breath smell just wonderfully kissable < /puke >.

About three years ago, because of this wonderful diet of drive thru foods my scale tipped at 180lbs and this was just uncomfortable for me. I was sweating for no reason, and sweating alot. Doing any activity was cause for strain. I was a size 14. . . and at that point I decided no more junk food. And stopped eating drive thru meals. My weight now is 135lbs-140lbs. It's about 10lbs more than I would like it to be, but I'm overall happy with this since I've maintained this weight for a year now. Go me! Anyway I ask him to not include me in his take-out/drive thru routines but he doesnt' really listen and we still end up hitting these places more than I ever cared to. But because of this I stared cooking at home, and got to be pretty damn good at it. Not like he would have ever noticed because he would DOUSE my lovingly made, very hard worked on perfections of meals with that fucking tobasco sause...

It's like that movie, Joy Luck Club, have you ever seen it? The pretty asian girl brings home her white boyfriend to the 'family dinner' he takes a serving of the what looked like MooShu Chicken and decides that it wasn't spicy enough so he RUINS it for EVERYONE by pouring soy sause all over the MAIN dish, and NOT his own!!! Omg when I first saw that movie I laughed so hard, but when it happened to me, it wasn't so funny.

What else did he do for me? Let's see bought me a home, paid my bills, fed me. That was pretty much it. Did he provide me any emotional support? Not really. If I ever complained about something I never got the humorous response that I would get when bitching to my friends/family about something. From him it was always 'that's the way it is, deal with it.' Never any sympathy, never any humor, never any emotion. Just that stupid fucking look of his where he would pull his lower lip over his upper lip and shift his eyes away from me with that fucking smug satisfaction of 'what I say IS the way it WILL be' and of course as he would always add later in the relationship 'until you can prove to me otherwise'. I hated that fucking look of his, I hated when he would say that shit to me. It was his way of putting me down, his way of controlling me.

No more. Never again.

I keep telling myself I shoulda left him after six months. He's one of those weird fucks that had issues of telling the people he was in a relationship that he 'loved' them. I shoulda seen the signs. He had a kid, but they never married, they never talked about marriage I'm pretty sure he never told her he loved her. I know for a fact that he never introduced her to his mother. For fucks sake you spooge your juice all over some chick and have a baby with her, but you won't introduced her to your mom?!?!?! Hello!!!! I later found out that she got desperate and went to his house to 'return' something to him just so she could meet the mom. How degrading can this man get and why did I NOT turn and run then? The other thing with him was the he dated the baby-momma's SISTER first, then the baby-moma decided the wanted him, so she fucked her sisters boyfriend. That ladies and gents is why I'm so glad I don't have a sister. The sister and the man get back together and a few months down the line.... baby-momma says 'oops I'm prego with yo man's baby' Yea real Jerry Springer shit right there. If any of that made any sense I hope you're laughing as much as I was, right after I barfed in my mouth when I heard this, straight from him....

I'd sure like to hear the moms version of the story. But I never will. I'm over that now.

After six months and him not telling me that he loved me, I was starting to wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. I was wondering if I was doing something wrong, I was wondering if it was me, was I not pretty, what? Something in me snapped after a night of way too much alcohol and some fun party mixing drugs, don't forget to add on the diet pills cause this was about when I was starting to gain my weight and I was willing to try anything to NOT get fatter. I came home crazy, drunk, stoned and wide awake and ready to fight. Needless to say there was lots of shouting, screaming, there were police involved, there were even handcuffs but lucky for me, no arrest.

72 hours later, I came home about 12 lbs thinner. I refused to eat their hospital food. I drank lots of water and ate jello and the occasional green bean. This of course drew attention my way, but I got to go home on time so I didn't really care. Yes. I went to a county mental hospital. BUT I wasn't arrested!!! (yea like that makes it better)

Why didn't he leave me then? I was obviously crazy. I threatened his life. I was mentally unstable. I was dragged away in handcuffs for crying out loud! I don't think he ever forgave me but I think he used the next few years as revenge. Why did I want to marry this man? Seriously, what was my trip? Why did I want his love so bad? I'm pretty sure this was when he started to control me, if not before then.

After a year of this, and him STILL not telling me that he loved me, I asked him to pack his things and be out of my apartment. To my surprise when I got home, all of his belongings were gone!!! You will never believe how BIG the smile was on my face when I saw that his stuff was gone!!! I changed the locks immediately. But stupid me, he calls me a week later, tells me how much he can't live without me, blah blah blah and the stupid bullshit that men say and stupid women like me fall for, oh yea, and the icing on the cake, he said that he LOVED ME. Everything was right with the world. Here Sam, here is your key to my apartment, Welcome Home Honey, I forgive you for making me think there were things wrong with me. Do you know how many of my friends told me how stupid I was? All of them, did I listen? No, he loved me! They didn't understand. This was also about the time that my friends stopped talking to me. . .

Some time later I notice that him telling me that he loved me was not enough. I wanted more. I wanted to start planning a future, an engagement, something. What was his solution, buy a house, but exclude me from the paperwork. His reasoning, my credit was not the 800+score that his was. Was I hurt? OH HELL YES. I was pissed that we moved 30 miles south, away from MY life to live in sur-burb-be-ya just for his tax shelter purposes. He could just as easily have bought a house in my favorite urban areas as he paid for the house with four empty rooms and grass that keeps dying. His reasoning: bigger is better. Sure the house is 3000 sqft. But its only worth 800k. The condo-townhouse-urban loft houses are in the millions now.

After living in sur-burb-be-ya I start to realize that we're never going to get married. I'm never going to see a ring. Nothing is ever going to progress with this man. So what did I do? Something stupid. I started an internet online affair with some kid on the other side of the world. Eventually I get caught and the damage was done. I move out this time. I move back to my little urban city life and my friends magically make their way back into my life. They're glad he's gone, they're glad that I'm happy again. But I start to feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I decide to go back to my family. Crazy move. Why I did it and why I also did the next step, I still wonder to this day.

For some reason I let Sam comes back into the picture. I think me being lonely, the holidays and also just having eaten my first Thanksgiving @ Jack-in-the-Box really got to me. And he just magically showed up at the right time saying all the right things again... He asks me to come back home. I tell him too late. I'm going to my family. He wants to take care of me, he wants to get married. Blah blah blah. My parents show up. They pack up their car with my stuff and we leave. What does Sam do, he follows me to Texas... He convinces my family that he loves me, they don't believe him or even like him. They think I'm making a mistake for keeping him around. We keep an online relationship going. I think the only reason he did this was because he was jealous of the internet boy and the internet relationship that we had. Sam wanted to talk on the webcam, he wanted to have cybersex with the webcam. I never did those things with internet boy. Chatsex yes, Webcam sex no. He would belittle me if I didn't do what he wanted so I would log off and dissapear to teach him a lesson. It was nice to have the upperhand. I found out later that he was talking to the internet boy, and that he had all the chat logs from our conversations. He recently has been using these in our fights that we were having. For some sick reason, Sam wanted me back in his life.

I think the man is way more crazy than I ever was that long ago drunken night with the handcuffs. I told him I was sorry for my internet affair, I told him I was sorry for the pain I caused him. I told him all of this last December. And he said he forgave me. It's like that thing when people say 'do you want to know what *really* happened' and the ones that say yes are like that one movie line from "A few good men" 'YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH' well Sam knew all the truth, he learned it from internet boy and he used it against me saying that I was keeping things from him. HELLO FUCKHEAD!! I was having an affair!! OF course I'm gonna keep stuff from you!!!!! He kept what he knew from me. And he wanted me to come back to him. So what did I do? I came back to San Diego. All my family started to tell me again that was making a mistake... My friends, I was too ashamed to tell them that I was going for round 5.

And what did I find out? That nothing changed. That all he wanted was somebody to control. He wanted to pay me back emotionally for everything I did to him. He wanted somebody to mentally and verbally and even a little physically abuse. Or what I found out to be "Harassment in the Second Degree". He knew that he could get away with it too and that by this point I was so broken that I would just take my punishment.

So when he gave me the option of 'act like a girlfriend or leave' I also wondered when this man ever TREATED me like a girlfriend. I wondered if the beautiful empty house with the dead grass and four empty rooms was enough, was the food enough, was him paying my bills enough? I thought long and hard before I packed up my little car and my kitties and hit the road. Not to mention that since coming back from Texas in August that I've been sneaking out bits and pieces of my life when he's not been home. He wonders and questions where I've been going but he was too stupid to notice that boxes were gone or that I had broken nails from moving so quickly.

He would accuse me of having another affair. He said I was exhibiting the behavior of a liar and a cheater. In reality I was trying to leave again. But it's hard when you don't have a job to find some place to go. I told my mother what he said and some of the things that were a part of that 'Harassment in the Second Degree' and she wants me home again. She's angry at him. I'm sure she's angry at me for falling for his bait again. I have nobody here to blame but me.

So much for that big wall o' text. How do I feel after all of this? I keep reliving yesterdays fights in my head. I keep trying to rationalize what just can't be rational. He's more crazy than me, I was just to stupid to see it for a long time. I'm done. I'm not going back. It's over. There's nothing left to fix.

Weather in the west and more little earthquakes

It's the foggy season again, my favorite time of year here in SoCal. Yesterday when I woke up and looked out the window I couldn't see past my balcony, much less the rails ON the balcony itself. Today I didn't get the same view and the fog was much lighter.

Last night I was looking all over my place for my camera, lenses, tripods and the little shutter cable. I prob spent a good 45 mins getting everything all set up so that all I would have to do in the morning is press a button. The last thing I want to worry about in the morning is that stupid morning-drunkness/blindness and fumble around trying to haggle with my stupid tripod and getting everything level!!!!

I took a few shots but you can see the houses down below so I don't want to even bother with uploading them atm. Though its two hours after I've woken up and the light fog is still there. I wonder how long the fog will linger today.

Anyway, a little while after I took some shots, I got back into bed not to sleep but to watch some news, catch up on some online reading, look for a job.... and as I was sitting in bed with my cindercat I feel this little shake. Another earthquake, a 4.5. hehe

About 1/2 and hour later the news makes mention of it. No structural damage or disruption of any kind which is a good thing. A higher magnetitude earthquake at 8am would be bad. But that's not something I really want to think about.

and then there were two....

On October 12 something bad happened. Well actually before then lots of bad things happened, but on that day I had enough and had to do something about it.

My orange cat ( that I loved very much ) decided to test my patience for the last time. For about 2 months prior to this he decided to stop using his litterbox and use the 3rd floor of the house plus the guest bedroom as his personal grounds for making mre-mre. ( When ever I look at a litter box I always think of Tailchaser )

I took him ( and yes, turns out that Auggie WAS a he and not a she ) to the vet and it was not a bladder or any other health problem but was behavorial. You see Auggie has done this in the past but usually it was because of some change in the home of some sort. Well earlier this year we introduced a new cat: I can't decide on his name, it changes from Breeny to Fatty to Cloude. Anyway I'm pretty sure this had to do with having two males in the house and Fatty ambushing Auggie while going poo that made him start using the rest of the house for his terd droppings.

Anyway long story short. The day Auggie broke the last straw was when he decided (after being locked in his own personal room) for two days with everything he would need including petting. He refused to use his own personal box, and went straight upstairs and pissed in the corner >