I live inside my head.

I live inside my head.

This is a terrible place to be, cause I have no place to hide anymore.

Who am I hiding from? Everyone. What am I hiding from? Responsibility.

Not too long ago, actually a while ago, I made some horrible decisions, which caused me to make some more bad decisions, that caused me to run and hide, that just made things worse, and that made me make more bad life altering turns. By the time it was all over I had made such a mess out of everything and I knew it. I just didn't know, and I still do not know, how to clean my mess up.

Certain people will love you and take care of you no matter what. For some reason my life is filled with such people. Yet I don't believe in god. But why do I bring up god when I don't believe in the existance?

Earlier this year, very briefly, I think I was happy, but I don't know that now.

Before that, I thought I was chasing something that would make me happy, but thinking back on it, it was something that never would have made me happy.

Before then, I was compensated with items I thought I desired, but what I truly wanted was held just beyond my reach. No amount of jumping, no step stools, nothing could bring it closer, and I was too proud to beg for something I felt was a basic need, for something that everytime I turned around, was rubbed in my face was GIVEN away, without question.

That basic need is love. Sometimes I miss the items. I can't see love. I can't touch love. I can't smell love. Some people say you can feel love, but it's not something that you can put in front of you and say "Look, there it is, there is Love."

I made up my mind that I was going to run away, then something stupid happened, and I had a lunch date. Everything changed. And I was happy, briefly. Then I got a ride, and left. I gave up everything. I ran away from everybody. I ran away from what little life I had. I ran away from my brief happiness.

Now I am afraid of everything. Before I left I would justify that I could live my life the way I do anywhere. And the way I live currently is not a way to live, but many of this world have less than me, but manage their lives just fine.

I have this relationship that I am beginning to hate myself for having. I am starting to wonder who is leading who on. For my brief bit of happiness, I wonder if it was real or if it will ever be the same? or if it was a glimpse? was it a nitemare? was it a daydream? did I make it up? Did it really happen? Why did I have that lunch date? Why didn't I just leave things as they were run away as I originally planned?

Some friends, when I told them of my lunch date, they were angry and said some hurtful things. some where just angry but still wished for my happiness. Some friends loved me no matter what. But it's not my friends lives. It is my life. And I can't do anything except run away from it.

I bring up in my relationship, going home, or being a wife. And the subject is avoided. And I am reminded of having things out of my reach. It makes me angry.

And then I tell myself, "I am the one that ran away". But if i ran away, then why does he still want me? Why doesn't he sever things? Who is leading who on here? He asked me once, why did you never ask me to marry you. I feel like I am playing a game with him again. and he is playing it too. he is leading me on, he is holding things out of my reach, and I need to stop playing. cause I am getting tired, and I will never win. I keep chasing my tail in a circle, and when i stop to catch my breath he is secretly laughing at me.

I feel like the end of this year will come, and I will be in a deeper hole. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be rescued. I wonder if he will do it. I don't think I will win, ever.

I think it's time to walk away, because that happiness I had earlier was never meant to be mine. and he never had any intent to actually give it to me, he only wanted to hold it out and tease me with it. I don't have the energy for this game anymore. Because even if i knew the rules, nobody follows them anyway.