Why is it that certain men choose to keep reliving the past? The past cannot be changed, so why bring it up? (the past I mean) I said I was sorry a year ago, but still, this man continues to relapse and bring up the past. Does he really think that something is going to CHANGE if he keeps bringing it up?
I admit it! I myself have relapsed to certain behaviours. BUT I am not in any way guilty NOW of what I have done in the past. Here's something, I always wondered if when I decided to move back to San Diego that I would be giving up ME, and you know what? I did. I have nothing and I'm the only one responsible for this.
This man claims that he can talk about anything and try to prove his point, he starts conversations about literally ANYTHING (which 9/10 times is something I have absolutely ZERO interest in, the other 1/10 times if I DO have an opinion on it, then my opinion is so obviously WRONG (to everyone in the room BUT ME) AND THEN he berates me for not THINKING like him!!!). He even take a further step to wonder WHY I isolate myself from him, but yet when the tinsey-wincy opportunities come up when I AM ABLE to socialize with other humans LIKE me then all of a sudden I am 100% more friendly or smiley or happy to some random stranger or to people I do let myself socialize with than I am to him.
My head is spinning and I am making myself so angry. Because NONE of what I just wrote makes ANY sense.
I believe that no matter what I do in my current situation I will always be wrong (at least according to him, because I just don't care enough to prove otherwise) and I wonder WHY I let myself live like this. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be happy!!! And I am NOT happy, not even CLOSE to happy right now. Why did I give up control? Am I just stupid? Yes. I am stupid for believing that things/situations DESPITE THE PAST FOUR OR FIVE TIMES that *I*, YES *I* HAVE LEFT HIM, IN THE PAST NOTHING CHANGES WHEN I COME BACK. Yet I STILL LISTEN TO HIS BULLSHIT AND COME BACK. You know what's even more sick? So do HE!!!!! He keeps thinking I will magically turn into something that I am NOT!!!! OMG we are BOTH FRACKIN' INSANE!!!
(I just want to bash my head into a BRICK, well maybe a soft brick cause I'm too pretty to have a brick mark on my forehead).I keep thinking *we* WILL change and I'll have some stupid magical happily ever after, but you know what, it's never gonna happen with HIM. I'll get my magical happily ever after, but right now it's time to just give up, walk away and not take it personal, and know I learned something from this.)
The reason I keep losing is because the he knows how to play this sick game and well, I just don't, and I don't want to learn the rules to it either, I don't even want to watch. He knows how to twist the truth to get his desired outcome. He knows how to say things to get what he wants.
He even admitted to me that he thinks he is smarter than most people. While he may be more intelligent, I belive that hes socially retarded! Why do I say such a horrible and ungrateful thing? Better yet, why do I think that it's horrible and ungrateful? Because he said that I am!! I might as well live up to his expectations. And that's not all he said about me, but I don't want to discuss that atm. But why did I say it? Because about 70% of the people out there think they are smarter than they are and 95% of that 70% are narcissistic.
Another thing: There are so many more ..things.. I can't get thru them all because I am just making myself more and more angry that I can't just make a decision and LEAVE and be done with it. Why can I sit there and give what I think is good advice, but I cant TAKE my own?
And another thing, WHY do I ALWAYS ignore problems because I know that when I ignore them, they turn into ugly monsters.
I admit it! I myself have relapsed to certain behaviours. BUT I am not in any way guilty NOW of what I have done in the past. Here's something, I always wondered if when I decided to move back to San Diego that I would be giving up ME, and you know what? I did. I have nothing and I'm the only one responsible for this.
This man claims that he can talk about anything and try to prove his point, he starts conversations about literally ANYTHING (which 9/10 times is something I have absolutely ZERO interest in, the other 1/10 times if I DO have an opinion on it, then my opinion is so obviously WRONG (to everyone in the room BUT ME) AND THEN he berates me for not THINKING like him!!!). He even take a further step to wonder WHY I isolate myself from him, but yet when the tinsey-wincy opportunities come up when I AM ABLE to socialize with other humans LIKE me then all of a sudden I am 100% more friendly or smiley or happy to some random stranger or to people I do let myself socialize with than I am to him.
My head is spinning and I am making myself so angry. Because NONE of what I just wrote makes ANY sense.
I believe that no matter what I do in my current situation I will always be wrong (at least according to him, because I just don't care enough to prove otherwise) and I wonder WHY I let myself live like this. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be happy!!! And I am NOT happy, not even CLOSE to happy right now. Why did I give up control? Am I just stupid? Yes. I am stupid for believing that things/situations DESPITE THE PAST FOUR OR FIVE TIMES that *I*, YES *I* HAVE LEFT HIM, IN THE PAST NOTHING CHANGES WHEN I COME BACK. Yet I STILL LISTEN TO HIS BULLSHIT AND COME BACK. You know what's even more sick? So do HE!!!!! He keeps thinking I will magically turn into something that I am NOT!!!! OMG we are BOTH FRACKIN' INSANE!!!
(I just want to bash my head into a BRICK, well maybe a soft brick cause I'm too pretty to have a brick mark on my forehead).I keep thinking *we* WILL change and I'll have some stupid magical happily ever after, but you know what, it's never gonna happen with HIM. I'll get my magical happily ever after, but right now it's time to just give up, walk away and not take it personal, and know I learned something from this.)
The reason I keep losing is because the he knows how to play this sick game and well, I just don't, and I don't want to learn the rules to it either, I don't even want to watch. He knows how to twist the truth to get his desired outcome. He knows how to say things to get what he wants.
He even admitted to me that he thinks he is smarter than most people. While he may be more intelligent, I belive that hes socially retarded! Why do I say such a horrible and ungrateful thing? Better yet, why do I think that it's horrible and ungrateful? Because he said that I am!! I might as well live up to his expectations. And that's not all he said about me, but I don't want to discuss that atm. But why did I say it? Because about 70% of the people out there think they are smarter than they are and 95% of that 70% are narcissistic.
Another thing: There are so many more ..things.. I can't get thru them all because I am just making myself more and more angry that I can't just make a decision and LEAVE and be done with it. Why can I sit there and give what I think is good advice, but I cant TAKE my own?
And another thing, WHY do I ALWAYS ignore problems because I know that when I ignore them, they turn into ugly monsters.
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