what do you want to be when you grow up?

It's something that I think about alot, especially these past few weeks. What do I really want to do with myself? What do I want to do to make money? I've tried doing the what my hobby is as a career, but then that ended in me not wanting to do it anymore, because my hobbies became more like work, more like an unwanted obligation rather than the motivation to create beautiful works of art.

This was photography btw. While I still love to take pictures, I don't want to do it as a job.

I know I want to finish my education, but in what field ~ I can't make up my mind. As they say, I can't see the forest thru the trees. I started off in Architecture, but as I've said before they don't make the kind of money straight out of college that I want and I don't really want to be a drafter.

Then there is I.T. I hate this industry, it's the most thankless under appreciated career there is out there, but the pay.... The pay lets me live the life that I've grown accustomed to. The other thing, trying to get the correct college courses might sometimes mean that I have wait for classes. This is probably going to be my default settling choice because for me, it's all about the money.

And what about nursing? I've thought about this field from time to time, but I just don't think I really have it in me to deal with or be around bodily functions. I know *everybody* poops and pees an does other unmentionables.... but do I really want to be paid to study it under a microscope? The money is good, and people are always sick or do stupid thinks... Ever read about the darwin awards? Who do you think takes care of them? That's right, nurses!!!

There is also I.T. workers who work in the healthcare industry.... One thing that really irritates me about healthcare are the insurance companies.... and their politics. It angers me that some of the people in these professions care more about themselves or what the insurance companies dictate rather than the person suffering...

The same goes for the I.T. industry. Some geeks care more about going thru the motions of a workorder rather than solving the actual problem.

How about graphic arts? But what about how cut throat it is? It's not like any monkey can make something really unique and market it. Ever hear of starving artists? Cause we all know there is no such thing as fresh new and unique, at least not for long.. Everything now days is all about industry standards. Even the most unique artists out there end up selling out eventually, just to pay the bills and live the life they eventually grow accustomed to. Is that what I really want? This becomes more like the 'hobby as a career'. Hmm, bad idea.

Interior design? Is this the kind of job out there that actually requires me to 'sell' something, sell myself? sell carpet? manipulate people into thinking they 'need' this or they 'need' that? In my view people usually don't 'need' much of anything. They WANT it and THINK they cannot LIVE without it, or worse: that if they get what they think they 'need' that their lives will become somehow fulfilled with material possessions. That somehow if they get this or that, their lives are better somehow. This is truly an american trait. Only americans do this and because of all forms of mass media, this is starting to spread out like a disease worldwide.

What was I saying?

Oh yea, career choices.

Lets see, I could get a job on a second or third shift somewhere while I finish my college education. But what do I want as my major? Business? Mathematics? Architecture? Computer Science? Nursing? Psychology...

That's something I've been thinking more and more about. The drawback with psychology is that I'm more interested in studying it for myself and diagnosing my own problems, initially anyway. On the flip side, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to work with women like in a women's clinic or in a women's shelter like Becky's House. I really want to understand why women are self destructive or go thru detrimental relationships. I want to understand more about self esteem and self respect. I want to know why some have more than others or at least how some are able to pull off the act better than others. I think this is something I seriously need to spend time volunteering for though (rather than taking on as a career) just because I think I can't emotionally handle it without screaming at how unfair it all is.

I do want to understand more about depression, especially in women and teen girls. but do I really want to get paid for that?

Last job / career option, making toys and froo froo stuff ~ but again goes along the lines of turning a hobby into a job. So maybe not.

So really, what DO I want to do when I 'grow up'? It's looking more and more like I.T. or business.

"So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?"

Seriously.

This was a pickup line relayed to me from a girlfriend of mine. I jokinly said back to her "Only if I can mix my own drinks" and the only reason I said that to her, was because in the ladies room plasted all over my stall were fliers for anti-roofies. . .

I'm in the middle of nowhere small town Texas, USA. So WHY are there flyers about the date rape drug in the toilet stalls? I NEVER saw anti-roofie flyers in any stall in San Diego. Just the sink lady(s) offering candy, gum, condoms, shooters, soap, towels, cat toys and other goodies in her magic bottomless basket. Oh wait, its cause San Angelo is THE Meth/Ice capitol of the Bible Belt, they just don't say that in their tour guides. Maybe it's because it's the drug capitol that I found these three potential hunking 'quality' manz that I just HAVE to share with you so you can laugh as much I have been in telling this story all day to my cousins, aunts, other men, friends.... (and anybody else that will listen)

Let me just start this by saying that I had a GREAT time with my friend. I'm really glad she asked me to come along with her and all the margarita type drinks we shared :) The 'men' I ran into on the other hand . . . really made me thankful to know there are quality men out there like my brother or my cousin and even her brother out there. So I know all men are not as bad as these three. . .

Man 1. Pushy, but take charge kinda guy. Dragged me to the dance floor, offering to 'teach me how to dance'. I will give this to him, he was a good dancer (I think, I only say this because I myself can't dance so anybody is a better dancer than me that point in time last night). He twirled me this way and that way, but he kept his beer in one hand while twirling me in the other. I thought he was pretty good with the switching the beer bottle trick.

(oh yea, in TX you can SMOKE inside ..... so I couldn't exactally SMELL how drunk this fine speciman of man was, until....)

The song was over and we started to walk off the dance floor, he was holding my waist and guiding me to the exit, very nice very romantic very gentleman-ly (and really made me miss that 'sense of touch' heheh) the he leans into my ear and shouts "I GOTTA GO TAKE A PISS"

Did you HEAR the record scrape? Cause I swear that boom boom in the room got all quiet.

and if I was starting to get a girly boner, he really killed it with that statement..... /chop

About five minutes later...

He finds me again, takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor. I was SOOOO glad his hands were not wet, but still couldnt resist the urge to shout at him "I hope you washed your hands". I can't say that he understood what I had said much less heard it, so when he said this next line after the dance I wasn't sad that I didnt' run into him the rest of the night.

He said something about some honey in his life... then mentioned he had a 9 month old daugher at home, and something about her bud smoking mother. Just great. All I need is some pot smoking latina coming after me thinking I want her manz. Sorry lady, you can have yo manz. I dun wan him. /oh snap!!!

Man 2. When I started talking to him, I didn't notice the OTHER side of his face and the tear shaped tattoo under his eye. Hmmm according to urban legand, that means he killed somebody, right? Just checking. So this fine hunka man leans in and shouts to me "I JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR" If I had any fuzzy dice, trust me I woulda given them to him as a parting gift for the second place runner up in most 'useless information given to Lynda tonight'. He then proceeds to tell me that the reason he bought a new car was because he wrecked his other car.

I just looked at him. I mean really, what was I supposed to say in any normal situation? Cause they never taught me that in all those fancy dating websites I've looked at. Just looking at him and grinning or smiling wasn't gonna cut it.

He continued to speak. He wrecked his car because he was too drunk to drive. He wrecked it IN FRONT of the PO PO house!!!! He tells me this like he is PROUD of his accomplishment!!!! I had not even known the guy for five minutes and he's giving me these details. . . What kind of woman is attracted to this man? Who did he go home with? and why do I care?

He asked for my number. I didn't give it to him. What I shoulda told him was I wrecked my phone.

Man 3. The icing on the cake. I'm standing next to my friend and she leans over to me, laughing "So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?" WHAT, and really WHAT kind of man thinks he can even TRY to get away with asking this kind of question, or more like... DOES that line REALLY work?? and hello, I am 31, THIRTY ONE years old!!!! I'm thinking that MAYBE this man is at LEAST within five years of my age. DON'T you HAVE a house? an apartment? or are you ashamed of your roomate 'Ms. Manzmom'

Maybe its the material girl in me, cause we all know I am one ~ and I'm sure you've all figured out that it's not something I try to hide, but if you want a piece of me, you BETTER have your own place that doesn't involve living with your parents under the same roof (yea did I tell you I'm also a hiprocrite /grin, since I am now among the ranks of those that 'live with mom') (too bad she doesnt' have a basement cause then I'd be pimpin)

Anyway, after those three menz. My feet really started hurting, and I came to the conclusion that I was a loser magnet for the night so we went to chill @ whattaburger and laugh about the nightly events.

Just so you know, these are my standards, some of them can be negotiated, but there's not much room for it.

-no smokers. period. I will NOT date you if you smoke.

-no alcoholics, drinks are ok, but if you *need* to drink *alot* everyday.... then I'm never gonna make you happy, and neither are your drinks

-no more menz with kids, sorry I don't want to be second place in *anybody's* life. yes I am a selfish bitch.

-must have vehicle. I will not drive you around, unless you need to get your oil changed or your flat fixed.

-must have 'space of your own'. I don't really want to date a man with a roomate, but hey. I can appreciate that you might be saving for something more.

Notice my song? tee hee hee

it's turkey day, time to get all mushy

Again with the thinking... and I've been doing alot of it recently, especially today and yesterday and trust me I have lots ot write about but I doubt that it will all fit in this single blog.

First of all with today being Turkey day and all that, I have been thinking of all that I have to be thankful for and of course I have my family and friends. Without all of you, I might have:

a) had some serious damage done to me, either self inflicted or done by a known second party

-or-

b) still be seriously miserable and alone *in* a relationship

I am thankful that neither of those horrible things happened. I am thankful that I am a much happier person today than I was a month ago. I am thankful that today I DID NOT have to eat off the $.99 menu at Jack-in-the-Box like last year and pretend I was "ok" with it when in reality I broke down and cried on the walk back to my apartment. I was really grateful that I didn't have to walk past anybody on that long walk home.

I am thankful that I have two very understanding, patient and non-judging, non-getting-involved-unless-the-child-asks parents. I am grateful that I have the most kick ass family out there, both immediate and extended. I am grateful that my mother doesn't ask me or my new sister in law "Where are my grandkids". And I'm really thankful for my wonderful new pro-pet-as-a-grandchild-sister-in-law. Because now I don't feel like such a freak for choosing to NOT have kids. I'm glad my mother was happy with having Carlo-the-Iguana as a grandchild (at one point).

I am glad I have a crazy kitty like Cinders in my life and glad that she puts up with being stuck in her carrier and going from bedroom after bedroom or bathroom or wherever small place I can keep her with me close by. I'm glad I could finally tell my mother how much the Cindercat means to me and that she understood why I can't just let the Cindercat go. I realized the other day that I've had the Cindercat as long as me and my first marriage crumbled.

(Which happened on December 6, 1996 btw and Cindercat joined me in August 1997) (Her name is Cinders cause I burned her whiskers with a lighter, plus she's all-black) (true story)

So Cindercat and me have had plenty of adventures together and she's not going anywhere, except with me! I'm glad that she still wakes me up in the morning with her potent CinderLick. I think it's adorable that she sits in my lap (and yes I know it's dangerous for both of us) when we go on our car trips. I'm glad that she's an affectionate kitty and she seems to melt most cat-hater hearts.

I said most, not all cat-haters.

I am thankful for the patience that I have when I want to scream because I am used to peace and quiet. Because someone gave me a *tip* earlier this year when I was frustrated with a person in my life. All I wanted them to do was SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to know how to make them shutup without starting a fight, and my *tip* was just "Say OK." So I tried it, and it has worked with far better results what I would have ever expected on multiple occasions!!!

Those two little letters have stopped many situations from blowing up more than they would have this past month.

I am thankful that my mother was able to pull off both giving me roots and giving me wings. I found my wings long ago and I'm just now starting to find my roots (maybe because I came home) and I know why I am the way I am. Because of these roots, I hope to not make the same mistakes over and over. Because of my wings I am glad that I was able to experience my life as it has played out so far and hope to have many oportunities to use them again.

I'm glad I have the following people in my life, in no special order:

Mom - for trying, for being there when I need you. for listening.

Dad - for not asking questions.

DRH - for the loving relationship we have

GVH - for finding somebody close to me that makes you happy

MAV - for picking up where we left off, no judgement, but smarter and wiser, and able to share battle stories and compare notes. for a sounding board. for all the advice.

JDV - for trying to find yourself, for being my cheerleader. Listen to your heart and know that I'll love you no matter what you decide.

JV - for explaining your reasons.

TM-(G) - for those four hour phone calls cause we just can't get to Starbucks in Mission Valley no more.

DSA - for listening to me bitch on more than one occasion until 4am on the foot of your stairs. For giving me points of view I would have never thought about. For offering to care for CinderCat again.

ADK - for staying. period. for cooking *all* (and I mean all, especially that snow pea chicken all those years ago, even though I didn't eat it) those wonderful meals that we used share and discuss everything or sit in silence and be comfortable. For the cranberry oatmeal cookies that made me cry (in a good way cause it showed just how much you really cared) cause you saved some for me.

AH - also for those four hour phone calls, and for laughing with me AND for laughing AT me. If you didn't I never would have laughed at myself, for your sense of humor cause you appreciate my crassness. For never saying ' tell me how you really feel' when I do say how I really feel, explicitives and all.. For sharing your stories of your life with me so I can do the same for you.

RW - For all the entertainment and those hunky firefighters and beautiful boys in your life to look at. For your private messages that show me how much you really care. You've made my day on multiple occasions.

VG - For asking 'do you remember me', cause I could never forget you, and I'm grateful for the time we still get to spend together

TW - for listening, for encouraging, for asking, for all the updates.

JJV - cause you listen and really care even though we don't really know each other

For my own understanding that my situation is going to be what I make of it. I choose not to be unhappy anymore. I realize that this chapter in my life can be as short or as long as I want. I will find the best possible outcome I can. I have the support group to help me thru this.

I love you all and hope your turkey was as delicious as mine. I am thankful for my new extended family I was able to share it with today.

so yea,

It's been a week and I still have all these emotions going thru my head. My trip was uneventful and smooth. I spent 21ish hours driving from the wild wild west to wild wild west texas.

The cats did pretty good after I got out of San Diego so I let them out of the carriers and Fatty pretty much just found one place and didn't move from his location the entire trip. No pooping no drinking no eating, just sleeping. Good boy!!! Cinders on the other hand decided to run away twice in Yuma..... Where she was going only she knows but she gave it a good try, twice. After that I stuck her ass back in her kitty carrier and wrapped it in a blanket so she wouldn't get anymore crazy ideas.

In El Paso the wind decided to kick up and I'm not exaggerating here, seriously the wind was blowing about 60+ MPH. At the time I only estimated it to be around 40MPH.... But when I got knocked over just walking from my car to the cashier I knew something was up. Didn't matter, since the wind seemed to be pushing my car along.

Let's see, Fatty went back to his original mommy, I'm gonna miss his pretty eyes... His name reverted to Prince, but to me he's always gonna be Fatty. >^..^< Cinders is still with me. I feel bad for her since she's been stuck in one room or another for a little over two weeks now and she's used to having like 20+ hiding places. About the only place she has to hide now is under the bed and as soon as I walk in the room she gives up her hiding spot.

My feelings are still everywhere... One minute I'll be really happy and two minutes later I have tears welling up in my eyes. I'm thinking it's cause I've got way too much time on my hands here in San Angelo. You have no idea how boring it really is here..... My parents are internet-less, but they do have cable TV. I have no video games aside from my GBA and both of those games I've beaten...>< I did finally find an internet cafe so I no longer have to drive all the way to my aunts ranch just to use her DSL line.

Basically, I have no interest in going to a bar just to find some tobacco chewing cowboy. If you want to eat anywhere "nice" here they have like an hour wait... Hello!!! it's OLIVE GARDEN!!! The mall..... Dillards was nice. Movies... nah, not til I get some sort of income anyway, for now it's just frivolous spending. Basically I'm doing alot of sleeping and let me tell you I am WELL rested. I can't even take pictures cause everything out here is dead, plus I only have my film camera... not exactly 'free' like them nice shiny digitals.

Heh, so here I am whining about it.

Somebody slap me!!

In the meantime on Thursday I'm going to DFW finally. I'll be staying with family for a little while. Hopefully I'll find work quickly, hopefully something permanent.... and I can move out and give Cinders more than one room to roam in. Unless I get a studio / loft or as they're called out here... efficiency apartments lol. Then Cinders is still in one room, but at least she doesn't have to hide from the doggies or allergic people.

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm healthy, I am happier. I'm smiling a hell of a lot more than I was a month ago.

Which popped in my head.. I've been getting strange phone calls (2 of them) One was last week when I was driving @ 6am TX time.. from 'private caller'. Nobody answered. I got another call from the 858 area code... but they hung up before I even answered. I got a few IM's from random people too. But don't worry, I'm not gonna fall for it or respond to them. I just wanted to bitch about it.

I'm guilty of wanting too much too fast. It's my own fault I am where I am and it took me six years to get here. I hope it doesn't take six years to get out of this hole. I have a very long road ahead of me and from here it looks like it's all going to be uphill. It's funny though because I am setting small goals for myself, and while right now some of these goals seems trivial and simple they are very hard to accomplish.

Example? Well on my laptop when I moved here last time, I kept my time set on Pacific Time. As soon as I got here last week, the first time I turned on my laptop I changed the time and then I called my cousin and shared this information with him. This is what I mean by trivial goal. It was REALLY HARD for me to do this, I actually got emotional when changing my time zone and clock. Even when I told him about this I felt my voice crack, but I shook it off!!! :) He then proceeded to share with me some of his accomplishments with his moving on stages.

I still need to change my address. I hate pumping gas here, since my zip code is not local, I keep having to go inside to pay... /grumble

I'm lazy about changing it though since all of it is paperless. So I don't have to worry about my bills showing up at creepo's house. I should change them anyway for piece of mind....

Speaking of which, I just did it all online. Go Me!!

And another thing. I can't call any of the convenient Verizon phone numbers from here.... UGH!! So I paid my bill a few days late. Hopefully no late charge will pop up.

I wanna get my new license and transfer my car plates / insurance over here. That's gonna have to wait a little while though. Like prob a long while since the insurance was just paid in full this past July, and my license is good until 2009. But still having new shineys will be nice.

Blargh... these damn emotions. I want to get off this roller coaster!!!! See what I mean about these feelings?

a reason to celebrate

While it has not quite been one full week since I left it is still a mile stone. I survived the first day. Now I've survived the first week. My next celebration will be the first month. While I am not quite on my own, I am out of that horrible relationship and that is filling me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

With that said my car is all packed up. The cats are busy hiding from the carriers in the room and will eventually come out and smell them. The benadryl is also ready to be fed to them so I won't have to listen to their howls on this long trip.

I'm gonna take a nap for now and the next time I sleep in a bed will be in another state. I'll be ready to start my new life.