Why I really want to go to school.

I've had one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I've had a string of awesome days for the past year or so but today had to be one of the best.

One of those days that goes down in the memory books that's never forgotten, that's reminisced over when I'm chillin' out in my old lady bed with my old lady blanket and telling stories of "when I was your age..."

Started it off waking up before my alarm went off.
By an hour or more.

Surprised I didn't have a hangover from my cocktail diet of Tank & Tonics, Hot wings and Grama sippers. Nothing brings in Spring like that fresh mix.

Made my usual morning phone calls, got my bizness done. Did some Yoga. Took my shower and got ready for my heavily anticipated facial/makeover.

Today's the day I was officially induced into the Shu Uemora family of products. I am officially hooked. They have me for life.

After my makeover, I headed down to an old bar where I used to work to pick up some documents when I ran into one of my customers. She was as excited to see me as I was to see her. We hugged and shared some time together catching up on all the people we knew and all the changes that have happened to the bar in such a short period of time. It was great to see her, it's incentive to start dropping in on the crowd more often. She told me how much she missed me, which meant alot. She gave me her card and told me she was happy to see how happy I looked.

Unfortunately I had to cut our conversation short, I was running into less than an hour to get ready for work and I still had to go home and put on some real shoes. I hugged her again. She felt so good because she always gave me the impression that she was one whose hug you had to EARN. I hope to see her again sooner than the last time I saw her and made my exit.

Seeing her was like that unexpected rainbow. It's that tiny little tweak that makes your day extra special.

When I got home I dumped my shopping bags all over my bed and saw just how amazing I made out from my makeover. They stuffed my bag FULL of samples. Some of them even seemed full size.

I can't wait to dip my fingers in those honey pots!

Once I got to work people left and right were commenting on how I was GLOWING. Which then made me glow even more. Which in turn made me see more $green$. The girls and I had fun joking around all night. It seemed we never stopped laughing.

After my shift was over, five of us sat around and talked and talked and talked about girl stuff:: Birth control, nachos, fashion, we shared pictures of our Precious'es, talked about stripper poles, going shopping and then we started talking about makeup.

The redhead made her exit about this time leaving us down to four.

We talked about blending, about meeting up and my place and me doing and showing them makeup tricks. One of the ladies brings up her eyebrows, saying she had none.

I had never noticed, but when she did, I noticed. Her brow hair is so light that until she pointed it out ~ it never occoured to me because I never saw her that way. I've always seen her as someone who's respect I've worked very hard to earn and who I admire greatly. She's a breast cancer survivor and everything she does amazes me. I love her smile and when she says "Uh HELLO!!" and rolls her eyes up to the sky and wiggles her head. I love that about her!

So we all talked and teased about how easy it is to paint in a brow, but the brunette asked that she please not paint them in blue. All of us laughed. Ms. Survivor walked off briefly while the blond excused herself to go get her "closest to Mary Kay blond" pencil.

We all agreed that Ms. Survivor would soon be taking home a new pencil despite her saying her makeup routine is almost non-existant

Once we all regrouped we asked Ms.Survivor to pump up the lights so we could paint in her brows. I told her that her face was officially my first ever "make up" application and not to hold it against me too much if she wasn't too happy with the results.

As I painted on her browns, Blondie and Brunette looked on and started ooohing and awwwing. Brunette gave her a compact mirror and Ms. Survivor was impressed. I could tell she liked it because she got her sassy wiggle, even thougth she was tired. Even thougth her back hurt. Even thougth it's close to the end of a long day.

It's something as simple as that which is WHY I want to go to school and what really topped off the end to an awesome day.

I'm turning into Medusa!

Sometimes a girl's just gotta treat herself and then sometimes those treats backfire. So with it having been such a cruddy week and me getting a serious attack of cabin fever post self inflicting home-bound-ness because of the so called Crud that just won't go away but finally did go away. Very Slowly. Today I got an attack of the Crud after going all day with no jacket then getting stuck outside after the warm sun went down and waiting to get my Goose back from the Valet. The Crud went away after I warmed back up. WOOP! WOOP!

Anyway ~ I wanted to treat myself this week, so first off I set myself an appointment for a chemical peel. Thought that would be a good idea since winter is almost over, might as well spring clean my pores right? Everything went well, it was awesome as usual. No side effects of redness, no nightmare stories of burning under the skin. No funky smells wondering just how organic their stuff is. Afterwards my esthetitian gave me all the usual suggestions: drink lots of water, don't exfoliate tonight, use moisturizer, stay away from too hot water. etc., then sent me on my merry way. Now that I think about it, I probably woulda been ok if I spaced things out a bit, but why would I do that? I'm TurboSpaz!

The next day I decided to go and have my entire face threaded. Nothing unusual. It's something I do every few weeks, I love it. I love my threader, she's awesome but I shoulda known better when I woke up in the morning and my face felt kinda tight. Duh.

No I don't go to those kiosk's in the mall where you sit out in the open while everyone that walks by can watch me get this done. It's in a real salon with a private room and it's soooooo much better than getting waxed. I've been doing this for over a year now. In fact I'll never ever ever get my face waxed again, even if I am going to school to learn how to do it. As soon as I can learn this "ancient technique" I'm signing up. There are pretty much zero side effects of threading, no missing patches of skin, no oily patches, no heavy aftwerwards residue. Nada. Threading takes up the same amount of time and it's way way way less messy. The comfort level is about on the same level as waxing and for the most part it costs less. For some people the only drawback can be the amount of interaction you have to participate with your threader. To me I'm not bothered by this ~ it gives me time to ask questions in between breaths. LOL

Anyway. I shoulda known when I felt my face in the morning that going to see my threader wasn't my wisest choice. I left the house without applying ANY moisturizer much less makeup on a typical cold North Dallas winter day. The smart me woulda at least took some moisturizer or at least asked for some before leaving the salon.

Again as I leave, she tells me drink lots of water, not to exfoliate tonight, stay away from hot water and put on some moisturizer in about an hour. I thank her and let her know I'll see her in a few weeks.

After I eat lunch and by the time I get home to get ready for work I notice I'm burning up!!! I'm praying that I'm not getting yet another round of The Crud. When I look in the mirror at home I see my face is splotched up!! OH NO!. I slather on moisturizer and my skin absorbs it like nothing was ever applied, so i put more on and I feel that my skin is taking on a reptilian quality.

Gross. 

I try to prep it up for some light makeup. I can't possibly go out in public looking like I do. I look like I'm breaking out in hives so I tell myself it's all in my head. Possibly another fever coming on? I put on some eyeliner, powder and a dark lip. The powder just seemed to make me look like I was Anne Hathaway's orange double from Bride Wars.  Not looking good for me. I don't think I looked nearly as miserable and angry as she did though!

When I get to work, seemed there was a mistake in my favor. My boss just happened to touch my face when we hugged and for some reason and our faces touched. She was like "You are burning up!!!" Then of course everyone else has to come over and pet me too. They all agreed: I was hot, and not in a good way. 

About this time is when I notice that my face is really starting to feel like my grannies snake skin wallets.

It gets worse over the next few days. No matter how much I lightly exfoliated my face over the next two days when anyone were to have looked up close that's what you'd see: My peeling scaley face! I over moisturized. My skin absorbed it like nothing was ever applied. I used everything I had, Oil of Olay, MAC, Burts Bees, Origins, Aveda. Even body butter and bath and body's body lotion. Nothing worked.

Yuckiliy attractive scaley flaky peeling skin! It seriously felt like I had a sun burn in the middle of winter. The cold wind felt especially brutal these days.

So when I wandered around Needless Markup (Neiman Marcus) today and saw the Shu Uemura counter, I HAD to go up to play with their goodies. I mean if the rest of their stuff is as magical as their eyelash curler, then what else can their shiny's do? I saw their moisturizer and knew I struck gold! I stuck my fingers into their magical fountain of endless moisture and like slow motion dabbed it on my face...

Instant relief!! I mean INSTANT!! Since Wednesday morning I keep putting my fingers over my face and people ask if everything's ok. Earlier that day I even asked Becks & Aidy if my skin was noticeable and both said "Not until you point it out." I had to have Becks touch my face too just so she could feel just how awesomely good this magical moisture was. She was amazed. You could see it in her eyes.

Lucky for me I got a sample, so I'm gonna compare it with my MAC moisture on one side and the SHU on the other for the next few days. I know I really like it, so it will be mine in a few days. :)

Never again will I get a peel on one day then thread on another. That was just dumb! The blue lining here is the Shu.

Miracle bra's big sister: Miraculous

I was chilling out at work the other day waiting for my shift to start when my co-worker Gabby walks in, she takes off her jacket; I couldn't help but notice she upgraded her firmwear! I had no shame in going up and saying that her boobies are looking nice and firm today. She laughs and says she got them at Victoria's Secret and that it was one of the new bra's, but she didn't know the name of it. All thru the night, she kept laughing that she was getting extra attention cause of her new bra.

I made it my mission to check this bra out before the weekend was over.

I've never been a huge fan of Victoria's Secret undergarmets for daily use ~ in my opinion they're overly pricey for the quality and tend to fall apart in some fashion around the 4 month mark. Machine washing is almost out of the question, unless you happen to use those lingerie bags and have a super gentle setting ~ I'm way too busy and impatient to hand wash anything. However for special occasions items such as low-cut t-shirt day, I think I can make an exception. I doubt this bra would ever be anything I'd rock for just hanging out in, but it's def something I'd wear to show off my girls on certain work days.

When it comes to bra shopping, I have no problem trying on about 20+ bras. I don't have any loyalty to any specific brand, style or size. What matters to me most importantly is how it fits, second is how it looks with my outfit and how practical it will be for wearing.

So I walk into VS, head straight to their fitting specialist who confirms my size and she hands me a black Miraculous and leaves me to wreck havoc. First off not only can I see a difference in how this bra is designed right off, I mean this bra is totally for the power user!! It has it's own built in foundation, basically what your momma gave you gets to relax on a nice pillow of support while wearing this Miraculous upgrade. The pro's of this bra is the transition between my flesh and the bra's padding was visually seamless, it wasn't seamless to the touch though ~ but nobody's gonna get that close to tell a difference :) My only issue was that my biceps kept rubbing up against this firm foundation, plus it felt like my chin was gonna get bruises from the upgraded pushup rack.

It seems VS's prices have come down a bit as well. The last bra I bought there was a few years back and it was in the $65+ range. The Miraculous starts at $49.50 and ranges up to $58. Only time will tell regarding the quality as every bra of theirs I've ever owned has fallen apart in some crap-tacular way or another. (Either the underwire becoming exposed, the stitching coming undone, or the lace ripping.) I can see myself investing in one of these  ~ every girl I know just loves to turn heads and stop traffic.

♫ ♪ Why you have to go and make things so complicated? ♪ ♫

So here I am totally excited about the whole going back to school thing, I mean I am so excited that I'm actually awake super early filling out all these federal forms! Mostly cause I'm under the idealic impression I'll more than likely qualify for something ( I can dream ) even if it's just paying for the fuel to get to class.

So I fill out a PIN request like they ask, then spend an hour answering all their questions. At the end I'm asked to put in the PIN. I do. 

#1FAIL!

Bring up the LIVE tech support person, she asks for my SSN and all this other stuff. I don't care how secure those pages are, Gimme a phone number. So I call it. 35 Minutes later I find out that not only did it not take my PIN, but it made one up in addition to telling FAFSA that I was still a Cali resident. 

#2FAIL!!

Update it as much as I can, but it still won't accept my app. FAFSA support solution of the day was to use a computer that actually USES IE (hell no I like FireFox) and has a printer.

Hopefully this little setback isn't a preview of the road ahead.

And with that ~ I'm going to bed!!!

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Fuck off America, with all your weight obsession issues.

Now that I have that out of my system.. .

Over a year ago I really had no issues with swearing. I used to do it all the time and not even think about what I was saying. Then one man, my uncle Manuel said something indirectly to me, which for him was very subtle since he’s not really known for that. He said “Don’t you worry about what people think of you?” I had been told all my adult life “that girl has a mouth, watch out.” After his statement I stopped. Well that, and about two days later I was over at another uncle’s house with his grandchild and not even two year old Holden said “Shit!”. This coming from a child that didn’t speak much, if any words at all at that time.

It might have been cause of my swearing or his grandpas. Who knows. I pretty much cut back significantly after that. Today, if you talk to my new friends, they don’t know me as someone that would swear, much less say something negative about another person. It's nice to know they think of me that way.

Now I find it more satisfying to eviscerate someone without them knowing it. But back to the weight issues.

This morning, I went to check my flickr account. I saw some pix from one of my close buddies. She brought up some of her health issues and how she’s lost a few pounds. Sometime in August she came over and we both doodled all over me for a photo-shoot. I said something about my weight since essentially I was pretty close to nude, she retorted that she wished she had my curves. I said I wished I was as toned as she was.

Even though we are both considered healthy, as women we struggle with the same thing every other American woman has that inner conflict with: Body Image. No matter how great we look, it’s never good enough. She wants a little more weight, I want a little less. All of this because Britney Spears is Fat. . . All this because the glossy magazines plaster their covers with models that don’t even tip the scales at 90lbs. Never mind that they are over 5’10”. Nevermind that they claim to be putting real women on the covers… but not the super glossy ones. Yea it’s a step. But it’s not big enough. I know at in 10 years times will change and hopefully todays generation of little women may not have the issues we have today. Only time will tell.

I felt so sad reading her words because I feel that pain myself when I see my scale numbers rise. She’s gotta feel the same when her numbers go down.

On my way to work today, it seems that Eminem is back in the news again. We havn’t heard from him in a while. Speaking of people that swear too much. He also happens to be one of my heros, my inspiration, my role-model. What have you. I love his way with words, I love how he projects his anger and some of the more creative ways I tend to articulate come from him. So I was thinking that maybe he has some new music coming out.

Wrong.

No, they were bashing him for tipping the 200lb mark on the scales. They’re parodying his music Weird-Al style. Talk about me instantly seeing red. Here’s a man that about 8 years ago had some of the hottest abs out there, not to mention some incredible biceps and shoulders. Geez people he was in his mid twenties AND he was a struggling artist, of course he’s gonna be hot and fit.

I cant’ believe that after earning multiple Grammies, launching multiple new talented artists, these DeeJays focused on his WEIGHT!!!! What I find ironic is that DeeJay’s also are not known for their healthy lifestyles. Pot / Kettle anyone?

Get off his case America. Leave him, leave Britney, leave them all alone. Weight does not make a person talented.

3 minutes

take three minutes to write about the good things in your life

my dvr and being able to watch pink panther repeats on Boom.
Cinders and how she comes up and snuggles with me at night, then how she wakes me up in the morning even if I don't want to get out of bed.
Having my grama, and being able to go see her and spend time with her, even if all we do is watch TV. My favorite part is talking to her and hearing her laugh. I love how she says shieldren (children).
Being able to call certain people and they know instantly that I'm not all together. Sometimes having that kind of support means more than holding hands.

time's up.

Fire... NOT!

The Dallas firemen came to visit. Exciting stuff.

I knew I couldn't do this everyday.

Right now I really am having great issues with my lack of drive, focus and caring about anything. The only way to get thru it for now is these lists. So here it is for today.

01. The people in SoCal that I care about are all Ok as of this blog.
02. I was able to find some warmer shoes for the fall.
03. I got some bills out of the way.
04. Cinders is a very good alarm clock.
05. I still have a job where they don't care about watching the clock as long as your work is done.
06. I got free lunch today because the power went out, and stayed out.
07. I finally got to hang out with MK again, and true to tradition I fell asleep again.
08. I got over myself, put aside some past issues and picked up the phone.
09. I have a family that really is wonderful.
10. My bed is really comfortable.

name 10 things

I’ve been letting my secret out of the bag a lot lately.

I’ve also been noticing that doors are being opened for me, some of them opened a while ago but I’m just now finding the courage to step thru and explore their possibilities.

I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and to make a few friends. Something that, as I’ve been told, for somebody that looks like me, making friends should be easy. In reality it’s incredibly difficult. Some of these new friends I’ve gone out with once or twice or hung out with on a more personal and intimate level. One or two have even welcomed me into their ‘families’ and to me that is the purest form of trust there is. Some I have found truly have the potential to have the ability to reciprocate a friendship and really do understand the meaning of non-judgmental listening and know how to offer advice in a way they know will be heard by me. Yet others seem to have ulterior motives and will remain at the distance I keep them, though they still have their place in my life.

I’ve even made friends with more than one woman, I’ll even be honest and say it’s closer to four. Wow. I consider this one of my great accomplishments this year. Considering that most of my life I’ve stayed away from female friendships because of my own irrationalies towards my own gender. Especially when it seems there are not many non-traditional women like me out there. Or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

There have even been the rare males that happen to pop in my life at the right time to replace (not that they can ever be replaced, maybe substitute) my two closest friends in San Diego. They truly have shown the capacity of friendship and have not tried to push those boundaries. (my fingers will remain crossed because I know the reality of those kinds of friendships).

I appreciate that I have people who care enough about me to listen and show me alternate ways of seeing situations as well as advice on how to pursue positive methods of overcoming and working thru my own perceived barriers and internal struggles.

My new friend Chris suggested to me last night as a way to appreciate my surrounding to write a list of 10 things that are positive in my life about “today”. He said that the list can start off with small things but over time the lists will become more meaningful. He knows I love to write and I love to take photographs, so what he suggested couldn’t have been more appropriate and personal.

I’m not sure I can make a list everyday, but it will be done here even if it’s the only blogging I do. I might even post them on flickr as well.

Cinders

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she looks pissed.

Seriously. Get over it.

So I'm driving home today and the radio is again pissing me off. I get so desperate I start scanning stations. I hit the local reggaetón station and they were playing a song I could totally relate to. Now, if only I could live it.

The lies we believe.

Seriously kinda irrked/pissed about the whole Pluto thing. But really I only took this pic cause I wanted to compare my cel phone camera to my real camera. My real camera wins. In my other shot, you can't really tell much difference between the two. Oh well.

People Watching

Lunch at La Madelines

Greatest Fears.

There comes a time when you get to that age when its inevitable that the possibility of losing one or both your parents becomes a very harsh reality.

To me, death was never something that scared or made me all that sad. Guess I'm just weird like that. When I was in Jr. High I found out that the Irish celebrate their loved ones passing while they mourn the birth of newborns. I'm not sure that applies to today's culture, but from what I remember at the time it made perfect sense, like a really bright light was lit somewhere.

I mean really why cry about dying? Don't take it to mean that I'm one to go the complete opposite and be like "Oh yea. Good riddance. They're gone. Move on", more like celebrate that I knew them and everything they taught me. Cherish the memories I have of them and share those with with everyone else that loved them. Of course tears are gonna happen, but I can't see that I myself would be selfish enough to still want them here, when where they are is better ~ because they don't have to deal with the burdens of everyday life (or medication, or pain, or discomfort and there's nothing I can do to help, except be there).

And by them, I mean my parents.

My mom has been having an abundance of health problems for the past two years. Nothing like cancer or anything, thankfully. More like she was just diagnosed with type two diabetes, on top of lupus, and add arthritis to that, in two years time. And in a way I'm mad. And its not her I'm mad at, but more like reality has set in and the clock is ticking.

Because I would always tell her to watch what she was eating. That she didn't raise me to eat that way. I would suggest that she take up walking with my dad, even if it was going up and down indoor air conditioned supermarkets. When I was a kid my mom would weigh what she ate, and work out to her VHS tapes. I even tried to be like her and Mousercise at 6am all summer long.

I don't know the difference between type 1 and type 10 or if there is even a type 10. But I do know now, that I'm more at risk that ever and I doubt that whatever she has is reversible.

One grandma lived until her seventies. My other grandma is still with us, and she's the only grandparent I have left, who also has diabetes. My grandpa passed away late last year from ulcer complications that finally led to internal bleeding. My dad has almost been taken away from me three times. T H R E E. And I know every reason was of very unusual, out of his hands, freak incident circumstances. But my mom. Most of it could have been prevented. My mom, who I always thought would live forever.

The reality is that the past doesn't matter, it's what I do with her today that counts.

I'm afraid that I might not get another 20 years with her, and now I might be one of those selfish people that I don't understand that cry at funerals. Which only means I need to enjoy what time I have left with her, and hope this is the scare that she needs to actually take care of herself, because nothing I said to her got into her head.

Please don't tell me that you can't change people, they have to want to change. I'm aware of that. I don't know what I'm mad at, but add this to the list of everything else that is just pissing me off lately, that I also can't seem to let go of.

The most important this is she's still here with me, and I get to see her this weekend. Hopefully I'll have done enough research to give her some useful advice.

So go on watch this and laugh, cause I've already cried enough for one day.:

The beauty of outsourcing.

I keep seeing reports in the news about all the fungus that chicks are catching all in the name of vanity. There are a multitude of reasons that I stay out of nail salons but the fact that they’re so unsanitary is the primary one. When these stories are features you’re bombarded with images and stories of cases where these shops obviously have unsanitary conditions and of course they warn us what to look out for if you just HAVE to have your beauty fix while frequenting the local nail shops.

Hey if anything, if you have eighty dolla’s to spend on some ridiculously over priced paint job, then you have the money to spend on getting that fungus removed. The sad thing is, you shouldn’t have to fear for your health because of sanitary neglect.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the girly pampering sessions. I love taking trips to day spas and getting massages and facials. I even love having all my body hair ripped out. However when it comes to having somebody work on my nails, the line is drawn. In my experience most nail salons are run by people who don’t give a shit for customer service because they know SOMEBODY will continue to frequent their stores. On top of that their advertising is extremely misleading and what starts off as something that says $10 manicure / $15 pedicure ends up being around $55 if not much more.

You’re manipulated out of your money by all these little things. Charges range from removing your cuticles, putting lotion on your arms and even scrubbing your feet with sea salt. You gotta give these workers some credit though. I mean take a really good look at CERTAIN peoples feet and you will see the workers DO earn their money just for touching them nasty monkey claws. But if you say NO to these little offers they guilt you into it anyway. Yea, it feels awesome and tingly, but really. Is it worth it?

When you originally get in, you’re tricked into believing the wait is only 5 minutes. Which then turns to 20 and of course you have to look at old magazines that promote ‘perfect beauty’ which in fact makes you feel frumpy in comparison to the airbrushed beauties.

After you’ve waited, then you’re rushed to a chair and ordered to sit a certain way. Wow. I sure feel welcome and appreciated. You get to pick out a color, but certain colors cost more than others. If you want a pretty mural theme painted on your nails this is also more. And if you want that so called chip resistant top coat then that’s ALSO an additional charge.

Of course don’t forget about the lotion on your hands which then causes the paint to peel within 2 days, pretty much negating the amount of money you’re dropping onto your beautiful nails.

And if you’re unlucky enough to have sat in the salon while your paint was drying… Not to mention that they take your money BEFORE the paint job is finished, you know cause you don’t want to ruin your pretty nails by digging in your purse. But if you happen to get to your car and your paint somehow smears, fixing it definitely isn’t free.

No, I’m not speaking from experience, and I’m not bitter. Not at all. With the money that is spent on having somebody else paint my nails, I could just as easily buy the stuff to do it at home. . . and definately have better results, hopefully with no fungus.

Read a mudda . . .

So I'm watching CNN today because like the good girl that I am, I wanted to be like all 'up to date' on my current world and social events and as I'm sitting there I see this:

As you know, the news prompters are making their typical monotone CNN educated PC observations and trying their hardest to not bust out laughing. I sat there in my living room, eyes glued to the tv and jaw agape down to the floor, I was mesmerized and shocked at what I was seeing. It didn't even seem that CNN had any censorship on-air, but it could be possible that my mind has grown so accustomed to filling in the gaps.

After it was over I had to youtube it to see the whole thing. The commentators were talking over the video, and of course was only partially aired. So I watched it, and I didn't know where to feel dirty, to laugh, or to shake my head in disbelief.

I have to say, I totally get the satire. Really I do. I even appreciate it as well as all the slander and offensive language. Seriously, how else are you going to reach out and slap your target audience? Watch this video and get past the frequent F-bombs and stereo-typical one-sided-accepted use of hip-hops N-'splicitive word and tell me if you can hear this songs very hard hitting message.

I'm not one to say that I get *inner-city* culture cause I don't. I didn't grow up there, much less know anybody that is proud to say rose-above and climbed out. I studied my ass off, during high school, in college and everything I've learned in between is something that can be applied to everyday life. The situation just has to present itself.

With that said I am of the belief that they chose to STAY there, surrounded by the mess they create for themselves. Not only do they not care for themselves, but they don't care for their surroundings, their offspring or the society they enclose and isolate themselves in.

The people that are able to rise above, either because they are smart, or talented and on some occasions both. Combine that with luck and you have the newest and most dangerous American: the superstar role models.

Long ago and even now, I'm moved by the deeply powerful lyrics that came out of these so called role models. When all they really are are self proclaimed, and proud of it, thugs. Every now and then one would sing something that really make you *THINK* and appreciate what you had and even be happy they were no longer a part of their former surroundings. It all that changes when you see them become these freakish role models and you hear them open their mouth. You gotta wonder: "Is this an act?". They propagate to all the other inner-city youth that they should be flossin their grills and spending their money on useless trash. On top of that, they make it seem that just because one person made it out, everyone else is ENTITLED to as well.

And that's just not the case. The American way now is different than it was 10, 20, 50 and surely 100 years ago. Todays kids believe they're entitled to be special because they've been told they're special their entire lives. They've had everything handed to them from day one and never had to work for it, figure it out, or do any of the hard work. I believe this applies to the inner city kids as well.

My generation is so full of angsty late 20 to early 40 years olds who tend to believe that you work for what you have and that respect is something that's earned not just handed out. My parents generation is of the belief that you respect anyone older than you, even if they're not worthy of it.

I might have gotten off track here, the point is. Todays generation of kids don't raise the kids they have, somebody else does. They don't care about anything except material possessions that mean nothing and have absolutely ZERO value from the point they've been paid for, usually by somebody else. And the only way that todays kids WILL read something is if you put in on your ass and SHAKE it.

I've been saying for years I wanted to make a tshirt on it that says "SMART" but I don't think that anybody but me would wear it. Education is everything and opens so many doors.

What would you have done?

One of my more realistic phobias is fear of bridges. I absolutely cannot stand them, but since they are a part of daily life I’m forced to deal with them, and drive over them. Every day. Yesterday when I went to go have dinner with my grandma, we were watching the Texas Rangers ball game so I didn’t know the following tragedy occurred until this morning.

I was taking my routine morning shower and heard there was a tragic accident on the 35. Hmm. That didn’t sound right, WHICH 35? (See metroplex has a 35E and a 35W) I left the bathroom and walked in front of my TV, nothing looked right until it was mentioned the tragedy was up in Minnesota.

Damn.

What I saw looked like a security video, taken from the angle of Galloping Gertie and then all of a sudden, the bridge collapsed!!!

...And that is one of my biggest fears.

Not only did the bridge collapse, but it collapsed during rush hour traffic. There were kids on a bus that the story was focusing on (and pretty much all I’ve seen so far today). A reporter asked a Red Cross worker who was below the bridge what he saw and the Red Cross worker stated that what happened was what you would have expected to happen under the circumstances. To me that means the unspeakable. I can imagine this would have brought out the worst in people, because you know rush hour is also angst hour for many combine that with an unexpected tragedy and I’m sure the results are astounding.

When I lived in San Diego and moved to southern suburbia, the direct line to and from work was driving on the 805 over the 8. For any of you who have lived in or traveled over that bridge know that it’s HUGE (at least a quarter mile long, if not longer and at least 10+ stories tall if not taller). I know that it’s retrofitted every so often but that doesn’t make me feel any better when I would drive over, and it really made me feel icky when traffic would come to a standstill and I could feel the bridge shake.

That is one of the worst / scariest feeling that I can feel and have no control over.

Now this morning I heard that the bridge in MN was pretty much not even fit to be driven over. I can just see the lawsuits forming, all sorts of negligence going on there. I don't know what I would have done if this had happened to me. I can't even begin to image the loss everyone is feeling.

When do you stop thinking in terms of 'We'?

When does that point happen? I've been going thru my three flickr accounts and trying to merge them all into one and in doing so I've come across very powerful images. Some of them take my breath away, others make me smile and 'remember the times. . .' and still others make me extremely angry, sad, remorseful and what have you. I can't bring myself to delete them because they are a part of me, and just cause I delete them doesn't mean they didn't happen.

I've never been much of a sentimental girl, but I find myself looking at certain calendar days as being special in some way. As in this happened this day, or I was doing this on that day . . . or even worse: "I never imagined I would be here (as in HERE, where I am N O W) a year ago today!". I always thought there would be that stupid Cinderella Happily Ever After ending between us. A funnier feeling is the sense of dread I get such as one in that the world is going to end today because something happened back then. . .

I'm not ready to talk about my past to people that are trying to get close to me. I'm even more selective about people I talk to in general. Aside from writing about my past to random internet strangers, it's hard to even talk about it to people that ARE close to me without getting emotional. As stupid as it sounds, I keep wondering if I did do the right thing. I wonder if I could have left in a less traumatic way. I wonder if I really did do everything I could to 'make things work'.

Does that mean I haven't healed?

I only think about these things because when I talked to my dad last, we didn't tell each other "I love you!" before we hung up. I know why he didn't (and it's not cause of a fight, but sometimes people wear blinders or have tunel vision) but after hearing it for so long and being so accustomed to it, it felt weird not saying it.

It made me think that "What if that is the last time I talk to him? I didn't say I loved him."

Which for some reason has made me thing of the last time I left the other half of my then "WE" and it wasn't good. At the time I was content with the departure, now I'm not so sure. It's not like I can take it back or ask forgiveness, but it's there, it's done and can never be undone. I don't know if it's shame or atonement I feel yet it is constantly on my mind as of late.

Even when referring to the old "we", I'm very careful about saying "the ex" "my ex" "my then BF" or any other past tense phrases to new people. I just say "my friend". It sounds better. I don't sound like a broken half of an old couple. People don't ask questions about the friend they way they would about "the ex" and better yet, they don't give me that LOOK of PITY.

This is me, a year ago today taken by the other half of that "We". Who knew I'd be where I am now.

Am I putting my old "WE" on a pedestal that we no longer need to be on?

I'm so glad I don't

Have food alergies.

Yesterday a co-worker and I were going to have Lebanese for lunch. Silly me pulled two dumb moves two days in a row. Day one, I forgot to leave the house with a camera battery AND my cel phone, so when the Downtown Dallas Gas Explosion happened, I wasn't able to take pix of it. I did see huge plumes of smoke from my manager's window. Day two, I didn't pack the CF card.

DOH!

I wanted to try to get a backup 512mb card, but radio shack was charging more for the smaller card than I paid for my card that was twice as large. Can you say: NO Thanks!? I thought you could. Feels good, doesn't it?

Anyway, back to Lebanese. By the time we got to the restaurant, there was a line. Can you hear me? I said it again: NO Thanks!

So what are the alternatives? Taca Cabana? Ugh. No.

I remembered asking my co-worker if he like Japanese food, and his first reaction was No. So I thougth about my question first. I said: Do you trust me? He said: yes, I said: We're going to have Japanese then. He gave me a look. I asked: Have you ever had it before?

No, isn't it all raw?

No, they have other stuff too, trust me you'll like it.

Ok.

So we found a place about a block away that I've been wanting to try. As we walked in, I loved it. It had a very eastern feeling without feeling like they were going over the top. I had my sashimi plate and he ordered some shrimp. Since we both had bento boxes, we also had Gyoza, salad, Cali rolls AND shrimp and veggie tempura.

He's not much of a fried food eater, but I suggested he try it all before dismissing it completely. He was skeptical of it being 'heavy' and when I assured him that it wasn't he tried it. Then I said something I never even thougth about or ever had any fears about saying before. The tempura was probably fried in peanut oil.

The look in his eyes nearly stopped my lunch.

I'm glad he doesn't have peanut alergies, but I'm greatful that I've never had to have any food fears or allergis. I love that I can eat everything, and feel bad for people that don't.

Another co-worker and I were just discussing lactose intolerance, prob one of the food allergies I do have, but I eat cheese an chai's anyway. Then suffer the consequences later. :)

Just getting old.

What is it with music today? Actually, it's not like this is new or anything but it just seems that the radios play nothing but crap. Not only do they play CRAP, but the same stations seem to play the same crap at the SAME time!!

Hello?

Don't you guys have program managers that like, I dunno talk to each other and make sure that you're all not playing the same crap at the same time? I'm sure running a radio station doesn't require a degree in rocket science and I'm sure they also have no problems hiring, oh say, you know the bottom of the class lowbies. But really, is it too hard to ask for a little but uniqueness to the lineup?

The listeners are what really crack me up, cause according to the radio stations, they're the ones requesting this garbage.

I've pretty much subjugated myself to internet radio and havn't really regretted the decision. One thing that made me feel old was when I was in my car not to long ago and one of the DJ's of one of those 'oldies' stations said something along the lines of 'classic' rock. . . GUNS -N- ROSES had just finished playing!!!!

Like OMG. . . when did that happen?

I remember watching the movie "Children of Men" (the whole movie is set in the future) and there is this scene where Michael Caine (who is up in his years, but still a mega hottie) and in this movie he is "OUR" age (Gen-X-year-old) but of course since it's in the future he's playing a fifty-ish year old.

Anyway . . .

He puts on his Living Colour on acid rendition of what sounded like "Cult of Personality" and rocked out with his strawberry smelling cigarettes, while Clive Owen (did I mention he's a hottie too?) looked on in amused questionment.

Why is it that I can see myself doing something along those lines when I'm fifty-ish years old?

Cause yea,

Here I am today, rocking out to my 90's Alternative Rock Internet Radio and I couldn't be any happier when my classic GNR comes on live radio.

Go me.