When do you stop thinking in terms of 'We'?

When does that point happen? I've been going thru my three flickr accounts and trying to merge them all into one and in doing so I've come across very powerful images. Some of them take my breath away, others make me smile and 'remember the times. . .' and still others make me extremely angry, sad, remorseful and what have you. I can't bring myself to delete them because they are a part of me, and just cause I delete them doesn't mean they didn't happen.

I've never been much of a sentimental girl, but I find myself looking at certain calendar days as being special in some way. As in this happened this day, or I was doing this on that day . . . or even worse: "I never imagined I would be here (as in HERE, where I am N O W) a year ago today!". I always thought there would be that stupid Cinderella Happily Ever After ending between us. A funnier feeling is the sense of dread I get such as one in that the world is going to end today because something happened back then. . .

I'm not ready to talk about my past to people that are trying to get close to me. I'm even more selective about people I talk to in general. Aside from writing about my past to random internet strangers, it's hard to even talk about it to people that ARE close to me without getting emotional. As stupid as it sounds, I keep wondering if I did do the right thing. I wonder if I could have left in a less traumatic way. I wonder if I really did do everything I could to 'make things work'.

Does that mean I haven't healed?

I only think about these things because when I talked to my dad last, we didn't tell each other "I love you!" before we hung up. I know why he didn't (and it's not cause of a fight, but sometimes people wear blinders or have tunel vision) but after hearing it for so long and being so accustomed to it, it felt weird not saying it.

It made me think that "What if that is the last time I talk to him? I didn't say I loved him."

Which for some reason has made me thing of the last time I left the other half of my then "WE" and it wasn't good. At the time I was content with the departure, now I'm not so sure. It's not like I can take it back or ask forgiveness, but it's there, it's done and can never be undone. I don't know if it's shame or atonement I feel yet it is constantly on my mind as of late.

Even when referring to the old "we", I'm very careful about saying "the ex" "my ex" "my then BF" or any other past tense phrases to new people. I just say "my friend". It sounds better. I don't sound like a broken half of an old couple. People don't ask questions about the friend they way they would about "the ex" and better yet, they don't give me that LOOK of PITY.

This is me, a year ago today taken by the other half of that "We". Who knew I'd be where I am now.

Am I putting my old "WE" on a pedestal that we no longer need to be on?

I'm so glad I don't

Have food alergies.

Yesterday a co-worker and I were going to have Lebanese for lunch. Silly me pulled two dumb moves two days in a row. Day one, I forgot to leave the house with a camera battery AND my cel phone, so when the Downtown Dallas Gas Explosion happened, I wasn't able to take pix of it. I did see huge plumes of smoke from my manager's window. Day two, I didn't pack the CF card.

DOH!

I wanted to try to get a backup 512mb card, but radio shack was charging more for the smaller card than I paid for my card that was twice as large. Can you say: NO Thanks!? I thought you could. Feels good, doesn't it?

Anyway, back to Lebanese. By the time we got to the restaurant, there was a line. Can you hear me? I said it again: NO Thanks!

So what are the alternatives? Taca Cabana? Ugh. No.

I remembered asking my co-worker if he like Japanese food, and his first reaction was No. So I thougth about my question first. I said: Do you trust me? He said: yes, I said: We're going to have Japanese then. He gave me a look. I asked: Have you ever had it before?

No, isn't it all raw?

No, they have other stuff too, trust me you'll like it.

Ok.

So we found a place about a block away that I've been wanting to try. As we walked in, I loved it. It had a very eastern feeling without feeling like they were going over the top. I had my sashimi plate and he ordered some shrimp. Since we both had bento boxes, we also had Gyoza, salad, Cali rolls AND shrimp and veggie tempura.

He's not much of a fried food eater, but I suggested he try it all before dismissing it completely. He was skeptical of it being 'heavy' and when I assured him that it wasn't he tried it. Then I said something I never even thougth about or ever had any fears about saying before. The tempura was probably fried in peanut oil.

The look in his eyes nearly stopped my lunch.

I'm glad he doesn't have peanut alergies, but I'm greatful that I've never had to have any food fears or allergis. I love that I can eat everything, and feel bad for people that don't.

Another co-worker and I were just discussing lactose intolerance, prob one of the food allergies I do have, but I eat cheese an chai's anyway. Then suffer the consequences later. :)

Just getting old.

What is it with music today? Actually, it's not like this is new or anything but it just seems that the radios play nothing but crap. Not only do they play CRAP, but the same stations seem to play the same crap at the SAME time!!

Hello?

Don't you guys have program managers that like, I dunno talk to each other and make sure that you're all not playing the same crap at the same time? I'm sure running a radio station doesn't require a degree in rocket science and I'm sure they also have no problems hiring, oh say, you know the bottom of the class lowbies. But really, is it too hard to ask for a little but uniqueness to the lineup?

The listeners are what really crack me up, cause according to the radio stations, they're the ones requesting this garbage.

I've pretty much subjugated myself to internet radio and havn't really regretted the decision. One thing that made me feel old was when I was in my car not to long ago and one of the DJ's of one of those 'oldies' stations said something along the lines of 'classic' rock. . . GUNS -N- ROSES had just finished playing!!!!

Like OMG. . . when did that happen?

I remember watching the movie "Children of Men" (the whole movie is set in the future) and there is this scene where Michael Caine (who is up in his years, but still a mega hottie) and in this movie he is "OUR" age (Gen-X-year-old) but of course since it's in the future he's playing a fifty-ish year old.

Anyway . . .

He puts on his Living Colour on acid rendition of what sounded like "Cult of Personality" and rocked out with his strawberry smelling cigarettes, while Clive Owen (did I mention he's a hottie too?) looked on in amused questionment.

Why is it that I can see myself doing something along those lines when I'm fifty-ish years old?

Cause yea,

Here I am today, rocking out to my 90's Alternative Rock Internet Radio and I couldn't be any happier when my classic GNR comes on live radio.

Go me.

Things that irritate me (1)

People, especially absolute strangers ~ that think they can call me honey, darling, sweety, baby or any combination of those endearing names.

You're not intimately related to me. DO NOT speak to me as if I am YOUR pet. This is just something that immediately sets me off.

Attack of the Exes!

I asked my close friend last night if she believes things happen in threes. She asked me to elaborate, and I while was reserved about asking her, I went ahead and asked her anyway. It's better to get your aprenhensions out in the open than let them fester inside and eat away at you.

Well, I didn't think about what was really bothering me until yesterday.

But really, it started about two weeks ago, I got a courtesy email saying that yahoo was removing their picture feature and focus SOLELY on flickr. They said I had pictures in an ancient account and they would be deleted on a specific day and my course of action was to move them before that catastrophic event happened.

Those of you that really know me know that I never delete photos, not the originals anyway.

I found the pix that somehow were saved in some strange place for some strange reason I never remembered storing, but I do remember having ~ I felt sick seeing them. They were nothing bad but it was definately not my best memories. Since I had this old account opened, I thought I would see who sent me emails, or if there was any interesting spam coupons.

I felt even sicker when I saw that there was an email from someone *IN* the pictures I had just looked at. The only consolation I got from reading the message was that *I* was the one that WON. That person broke their silence and contacted me, even though in our last conversation I expressed extreme interest that I never wanted to be contacted again EVER under any circumstances. It goes to prove that even though people come and go in your life ~ they never truly leave.

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Then after work two more incidents happened back to back.

First was waiting to meet up with someone at a specific time, while I was waiting I decided to check my regular email. There was another message, this time from a different Ex, this one being my ex-husband. Now the circumstances here are completely different. We actually get along and our split was a mutual one. While we are not in constant contact, we do keep each other up to date on any major change in each others lives. While that wasn't always the case, that's the way our paths cross now.

I last spoke with him around thanksgiving, he was just following up to see if I've landed on my feet. Seeing his message just showed me that he still genutely cares.

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While this next one doesn't really mean it's the third, it's still an encounter of some sort. Yesterday I was deleting pictures from my phone that had already been uploaded. I found one of another guy I dated earlier this year (thought I don't consider an 'EX' ~ he was just someone that I enjoyed spending time with, but it just wasn't going to work). I also posted the picture to my flickr account before deleting it.

My friend wanted to know the story of the picture, I told her, we laughed.

Yesterday, I was walking into a store, and I heard one of those loud VRROOMMMM car sounds. The sound made me giggle inside but I didn't bother to turn my head. In the store, I saw an the guy I dated earlier this year!!

I stopped dead on in my tracks, looked and verified it was him and turned and walked the other way. I paid for my stuff and as I was walking back to my car, I saw that it was his car that made those VRRROOOOM sounds.

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So things happen in threes. Does that last one count, or is there another email encounter in the works?