Her verbage is on fire... again.

Why I really want to go to school.

2010-03-04T06:19:00.001-06:00

I've had one of the best days I've had in a really long time. I've had a string of awesome days for the past year or so but today had to be one of the best.

One of those days that goes down in the memory books that's never forgotten, that's reminisced over when I'm chillin' out in my old lady bed with my old lady blanket and telling stories of "when I was your age..."

Started it off waking up before my alarm went off.
By an hour or more.

Surprised I didn't have a hangover from my cocktail diet of Tank & Tonics, Hot wings and Grama sippers. Nothing brings in Spring like that fresh mix.

Made my usual morning phone calls, got my bizness done. Did some Yoga. Took my shower and got ready for my heavily anticipated facial/makeover.

Today's the day I was officially induced into the Shu Uemora family of products. I am officially hooked. They have me for life.

After my makeover, I headed down to an old bar where I used to work to pick up some documents when I ran into one of my customers. She was as excited to see me as I was to see her. We hugged and shared some time together catching up on all the people we knew and all the changes that have happened to the bar in such a short period of time. It was great to see her, it's incentive to start dropping in on the crowd more often. She told me how much she missed me, which meant alot. She gave me her card and told me she was happy to see how happy I looked.

Unfortunately I had to cut our conversation short, I was running into less than an hour to get ready for work and I still had to go home and put on some real shoes. I hugged her again. She felt so good because she always gave me the impression that she was one whose hug you had to EARN. I hope to see her again sooner than the last time I saw her and made my exit.

Seeing her was like that unexpected rainbow. It's that tiny little tweak that makes your day extra special.

When I got home I dumped my shopping bags all over my bed and saw just how amazing I made out from my makeover. They stuffed my bag FULL of samples. Some of them even seemed full size.

I can't wait to dip my fingers in those honey pots!

Once I got to work people left and right were commenting on how I was GLOWING. Which then made me glow even more. Which in turn made me see more $green$. The girls and I had fun joking around all night. It seemed we never stopped laughing.

After my shift was over, five of us sat around and talked and talked and talked about girl stuff:: Birth control, nachos, fashion, we shared pictures of our Precious'es, talked about stripper poles, going shopping and then we started talking about makeup.

The redhead made her exit about this time leaving us down to four.

We talked about blending, about meeting up and my place and me doing and showing them makeup tricks. One of the ladies brings up her eyebrows, saying she had none.

I had never noticed, but when she did, I noticed. Her brow hair is so light that until she pointed it out ~ it never occoured to me because I never saw her that way. I've always seen her as someone who's respect I've worked very hard to earn and who I admire greatly. She's a breast cancer survivor and everything she does amazes me. I love her smile and when she says "Uh HELLO!!" and rolls her eyes up to the sky and wiggles her head. I love that about her!

So we all talked and teased about how easy it is to paint in a brow, but the brunette asked that she please not paint them in blue. All of us laughed. Ms. Survivor walked off briefly while the blond excused herself to go get her "closest to Mary Kay blond" pencil.

We all agreed that Ms. Survivor would soon be taking home a new pencil despite her saying her makeup routine is almost non-existant

Once we all regrouped we asked Ms.Survivor to pump up the lights so we could paint in her brows. I told her that her face was officially my first ever "make up" application and not to hold it against me too much if she wasn't too happy with the results.

As I painted on her browns, Blondie and Brunette looked on and started ooohing and awwwing. Brunette gave her a compact mirror and Ms. Survivor was impressed. I could tell she liked it because she got her sassy wiggle, even thougth she was tired. Even thougth her back hurt. Even thougth it's close to the end of a long day.

It's something as simple as that which is WHY I want to go to school and what really topped off the end to an awesome day.

I'm turning into Medusa!

2010-02-28T03:13:00.004-06:00

Sometimes a girl's just gotta treat herself and then sometimes those treats backfire. So with it having been such a cruddy week and me getting a serious attack of cabin fever post self inflicting home-bound-ness because of the so called Crud that just won't go away but finally did go away. Very Slowly. Today I got an attack of the Crud after going all day with no jacket then getting stuck outside after the warm sun went down and waiting to get my Goose back from the Valet. The Crud went away after I warmed back up. WOOP! WOOP!

Anyway ~ I wanted to treat myself this week, so first off I set myself an appointment for a chemical peel. Thought that would be a good idea since winter is almost over, might as well spring clean my pores right? Everything went well, it was awesome as usual. No side effects of redness, no nightmare stories of burning under the skin. No funky smells wondering just how organic their stuff is. Afterwards my esthetitian gave me all the usual suggestions: drink lots of water, don't exfoliate tonight, use moisturizer, stay away from too hot water. etc., then sent me on my merry way. Now that I think about it, I probably woulda been ok if I spaced things out a bit, but why would I do that? I'm TurboSpaz!

The next day I decided to go and have my entire face threaded. Nothing unusual. It's something I do every few weeks, I love it. I love my threader, she's awesome but I shoulda known better when I woke up in the morning and my face felt kinda tight. Duh.

No I don't go to those kiosk's in the mall where you sit out in the open while everyone that walks by can watch me get this done. It's in a real salon with a private room and it's soooooo much better than getting waxed. I've been doing this for over a year now. In fact I'll never ever ever get my face waxed again, even if I am going to school to learn how to do it. As soon as I can learn this "ancient technique" I'm signing up. There are pretty much zero side effects of threading, no missing patches of skin, no oily patches, no heavy aftwerwards residue. Nada. Threading takes up the same amount of time and it's way way way less messy. The comfort level is about on the same level as waxing and for the most part it costs less. For some people the only drawback can be the amount of interaction you have to participate with your threader. To me I'm not bothered by this ~ it gives me time to ask questions in between breaths. LOL

Anyway. I shoulda known when I felt my face in the morning that going to see my threader wasn't my wisest choice. I left the house without applying ANY moisturizer much less makeup on a typical cold North Dallas winter day. The smart me woulda at least took some moisturizer or at least asked for some before leaving the salon.

Again as I leave, she tells me drink lots of water, not to exfoliate tonight, stay away from hot water and put on some moisturizer in about an hour. I thank her and let her know I'll see her in a few weeks.

After I eat lunch and by the time I get home to get ready for work I notice I'm burning up!!! I'm praying that I'm not getting yet another round of The Crud. When I look in the mirror at home I see my face is splotched up!! OH NO!. I slather on moisturizer and my skin absorbs it like nothing was ever applied, so i put more on and I feel that my skin is taking on a reptilian quality.

Gross.

I try to prep it up for some light makeup. I can't possibly go out in public looking like I do. I look like I'm breaking out in hives so I tell myself it's all in my head. Possibly another fever coming on? I put on some eyeliner, powder and a dark lip. The powder just seemed to make me look like I was Anne Hathaway's orange double from Bride Wars. Not looking good for me. I don't think I looked nearly as miserable and angry as she did though!

When I get to work, seemed there was a mistake in my favor. My boss just happened to touch my face when we hugged and for some reason and our faces touched. She was like "You are burning up!!!" Then of course everyone else has to come over and pet me too. They all agreed: I was hot, and not in a good way.

About this time is when I notice that my face is really starting to feel like my grannies snake skin wallets.

It gets worse over the next few days. No matter how much I lightly exfoliated my face over the next two days when anyone were to have looked up close that's what you'd see: My peeling scaley face! I over moisturized. My skin absorbed it like nothing was ever applied. I used everything I had, Oil of Olay, MAC, Burts Bees, Origins, Aveda. Even body butter and bath and body's body lotion. Nothing worked.

Yuckiliy attractive scaley flaky peeling skin! It seriously felt like I had a sun burn in the middle of winter. The cold wind felt especially brutal these days.

So when I wandered around Needless Markup (Neiman Marcus) today and saw the Shu Uemura counter, I HAD to go up to play with their goodies. I mean if the rest of their stuff is as magical as their eyelash curler, then what else can their shiny's do? I saw their moisturizer and knew I struck gold! I stuck my fingers into their magical fountain of endless moisture and like slow motion dabbed it on my face...

Instant relief!! I mean INSTANT!! Since Wednesday morning I keep putting my fingers over my face and people ask if everything's ok. Earlier that day I even asked Becks & Aidy if my skin was noticeable and both said "Not until you point it out." I had to have Becks touch my face too just so she could feel just how awesomely good this magical moisture was. She was amazed. You could see it in her eyes.

Lucky for me I got a sample, so I'm gonna compare it with my MAC moisture on one side and the SHU on the other for the next few days. I know I really like it, so it will be mine in a few days. :)

Never again will I get a peel on one day then thread on another. That was just dumb! The blue lining here is the Shu.

Miracle bra's big sister: Miraculous

2010-02-15T02:23:00.002-06:00

I was chilling out at work the other day waiting for my shift to start when my co-worker Gabby walks in, she takes off her jacket; I couldn't help but notice she upgraded her firmwear! I had no shame in going up and saying that her boobies are looking nice and firm today. She laughs and says she got them at Victoria's Secret and that it was one of the new bra's, but she didn't know the name of it. All thru the night, she kept laughing that she was getting extra attention cause of her new bra.

I made it my mission to check this bra out before the weekend was over.

I've never been a huge fan of Victoria's Secret undergarmets for daily use ~ in my opinion they're overly pricey for the quality and tend to fall apart in some fashion around the 4 month mark. Machine washing is almost out of the question, unless you happen to use those lingerie bags and have a super gentle setting ~ I'm way too busy and impatient to hand wash anything. However for special occasions items such as low-cut t-shirt day, I think I can make an exception. I doubt this bra would ever be anything I'd rock for just hanging out in, but it's def something I'd wear to show off my girls on certain work days.

When it comes to bra shopping, I have no problem trying on about 20+ bras. I don't have any loyalty to any specific brand, style or size. What matters to me most importantly is how it fits, second is how it looks with my outfit and how practical it will be for wearing.

So I walk into VS, head straight to their fitting specialist who confirms my size and she hands me a black Miraculous and leaves me to wreck havoc. First off not only can I see a difference in how this bra is designed right off, I mean this bra is totally for the power user!! It has it's own built in foundation, basically what your momma gave you gets to relax on a nice pillow of support while wearing this Miraculous upgrade. The pro's of this bra is the transition between my flesh and the bra's padding was visually seamless, it wasn't seamless to the touch though ~ but nobody's gonna get that close to tell a difference :) My only issue was that my biceps kept rubbing up against this firm foundation, plus it felt like my chin was gonna get bruises from the upgraded pushup rack.

It seems VS's prices have come down a bit as well. The last bra I bought there was a few years back and it was in the $65+ range. The Miraculous starts at $49.50 and ranges up to $58. Only time will tell regarding the quality as every bra of theirs I've ever owned has fallen apart in some crap-tacular way or another. (Either the underwire becoming exposed, the stitching coming undone, or the lace ripping.) I can see myself investing in one of these ~ every girl I know just loves to turn heads and stop traffic.

♫ ♪ Why you have to go and make things so complicated? ♪ ♫

2010-02-09T08:25:00.006-06:00

So here I am totally excited about the whole going back to school thing, I mean I am so excited that I'm actually awake super early filling out all these federal forms! Mostly cause I'm under the idealic impression I'll more than likely qualify for something ( I can dream ) even if it's just paying for the fuel to get to class.

So I fill out a PIN request like they ask, then spend an hour answering all their questions. At the end I'm asked to put in the PIN. I do.

#1FAIL!

Bring up the LIVE tech support person, she asks for my SSN and all this other stuff. I don't care how secure those pages are, Gimme a phone number. So I call it. 35 Minutes later I find out that not only did it not take my PIN, but it made one up in addition to telling FAFSA that I was still a Cali resident.

#2FAIL!!

Update it as much as I can, but it still won't accept my app. FAFSA support solution of the day was to use a computer that actually USES IE (hell no I like FireFox) and has a printer.

Hopefully this little setback isn't a preview of the road ahead.

And with that ~ I'm going to bed!!!

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless! To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture. Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Fuck off America, with all your weight obsession issues.

2008-01-11T11:55:00.000-06:00

Now that I have that out of my system.. .

Over a year ago I really had no issues with swearing. I used to do it all the time and not even think about what I was saying. Then one man, my uncle Manuel said something indirectly to me, which for him was very subtle since he’s not really known for that. He said “Don’t you worry about what people think of you?” I had been told all my adult life “that girl has a mouth, watch out.” After his statement I stopped. Well that, and about two days later I was over at another uncle’s house with his grandchild and not even two year old Holden said “Shit!”. This coming from a child that didn’t speak much, if any words at all at that time.

It might have been cause of my swearing or his grandpas. Who knows. I pretty much cut back significantly after that. Today, if you talk to my new friends, they don’t know me as someone that would swear, much less say something negative about another person. It's nice to know they think of me that way.

Now I find it more satisfying to eviscerate someone without them knowing it. But back to the weight issues.

This morning, I went to check my flickr account. I saw some pix from one of my close buddies. She brought up some of her health issues and how she’s lost a few pounds. Sometime in August she came over and we both doodled all over me for a photo-shoot. I said something about my weight since essentially I was pretty close to nude, she retorted that she wished she had my curves. I said I wished I was as toned as she was.

Even though we are both considered healthy, as women we struggle with the same thing every other American woman has that inner conflict with: Body Image. No matter how great we look, it’s never good enough. She wants a little more weight, I want a little less. All of this because Britney Spears is Fat. . . All this because the glossy magazines plaster their covers with models that don’t even tip the scales at 90lbs. Never mind that they are over 5’10”. Nevermind that they claim to be putting real women on the covers… but not the super glossy ones. Yea it’s a step. But it’s not big enough. I know at in 10 years times will change and hopefully todays generation of little women may not have the issues we have today. Only time will tell.

I felt so sad reading her words because I feel that pain myself when I see my scale numbers rise. She’s gotta feel the same when her numbers go down.

On my way to work today, it seems that Eminem is back in the news again. We havn’t heard from him in a while. Speaking of people that swear too much. He also happens to be one of my heros, my inspiration, my role-model. What have you. I love his way with words, I love how he projects his anger and some of the more creative ways I tend to articulate come from him. So I was thinking that maybe he has some new music coming out.

Wrong.

No, they were bashing him for tipping the 200lb mark on the scales. They’re parodying his music Weird-Al style. Talk about me instantly seeing red. Here’s a man that about 8 years ago had some of the hottest abs out there, not to mention some incredible biceps and shoulders. Geez people he was in his mid twenties AND he was a struggling artist, of course he’s gonna be hot and fit.

I cant’ believe that after earning multiple Grammies, launching multiple new talented artists, these DeeJays focused on his WEIGHT!!!! What I find ironic is that DeeJay’s also are not known for their healthy lifestyles. Pot / Kettle anyone?

Get off his case America. Leave him, leave Britney, leave them all alone. Weight does not make a person talented.

3 minutes

2007-11-06T23:30:00.000-06:00

take three minutes to write about the good things in your life

my dvr and being able to watch pink panther repeats on Boom.
Cinders and how she comes up and snuggles with me at night, then how she wakes me up in the morning even if I don't want to get out of bed.
Having my grama, and being able to go see her and spend time with her, even if all we do is watch TV. My favorite part is talking to her and hearing her laugh. I love how she says shieldren (children).
Being able to call certain people and they know instantly that I'm not all together. Sometimes having that kind of support means more than holding hands.

time's up.

Fire... NOT!

2007-11-02T19:36:00.001-05:00

The Dallas firemen came to visit. Exciting stuff.

I knew I couldn't do this everyday.

2007-10-25T00:32:00.000-05:00

Right now I really am having great issues with my lack of drive, focus and caring about anything. The only way to get thru it for now is these lists. So here it is for today.

01. The people in SoCal that I care about are all Ok as of this blog.
02. I was able to find some warmer shoes for the fall.
03. I got some bills out of the way.
04. Cinders is a very good alarm clock.
05. I still have a job where they don't care about watching the clock as long as your work is done.
06. I got free lunch today because the power went out, and stayed out.
07. I finally got to hang out with MK again, and true to tradition I fell asleep again.
08. I got over myself, put aside some past issues and picked up the phone.
09. I have a family that really is wonderful.
10. My bed is really comfortable.

name 10 things

2007-10-23T09:49:00.000-05:00

I’ve been letting my secret out of the bag a lot lately.

I’ve also been noticing that doors are being opened for me, some of them opened a while ago but I’m just now finding the courage to step thru and explore their possibilities.

I’ve had the opportunity to come out of my shell and to make a few friends. Something that, as I’ve been told, for somebody that looks like me, making friends should be easy. In reality it’s incredibly difficult. Some of these new friends I’ve gone out with once or twice or hung out with on a more personal and intimate level. One or two have even welcomed me into their ‘families’ and to me that is the purest form of trust there is. Some I have found truly have the potential to have the ability to reciprocate a friendship and really do understand the meaning of non-judgmental listening and know how to offer advice in a way they know will be heard by me. Yet others seem to have ulterior motives and will remain at the distance I keep them, though they still have their place in my life.

I’ve even made friends with more than one woman, I’ll even be honest and say it’s closer to four. Wow. I consider this one of my great accomplishments this year. Considering that most of my life I’ve stayed away from female friendships because of my own irrationalies towards my own gender. Especially when it seems there are not many non-traditional women like me out there. Or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

There have even been the rare males that happen to pop in my life at the right time to replace (not that they can ever be replaced, maybe substitute) my two closest friends in San Diego. They truly have shown the capacity of friendship and have not tried to push those boundaries. (my fingers will remain crossed because I know the reality of those kinds of friendships).

I appreciate that I have people who care enough about me to listen and show me alternate ways of seeing situations as well as advice on how to pursue positive methods of overcoming and working thru my own perceived barriers and internal struggles.

My new friend Chris suggested to me last night as a way to appreciate my surrounding to write a list of 10 things that are positive in my life about “today”. He said that the list can start off with small things but over time the lists will become more meaningful. He knows I love to write and I love to take photographs, so what he suggested couldn’t have been more appropriate and personal.

I’m not sure I can make a list everyday, but it will be done here even if it’s the only blogging I do. I might even post them on flickr as well.

Cinders

2007-10-03T12:10:00.001-05:00

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she looks pissed.

Seriously. Get over it.

2007-09-20T18:21:00.000-05:00

So I'm driving home today and the radio is again pissing me off. I get so desperate I start scanning stations. I hit the local reggaetón station and they were playing a song I could totally relate to. Now, if only I could live it.

The lies we believe.

2007-09-13T13:15:00.000-05:00

Seriously kinda irrked/pissed about the whole Pluto thing. But really I only took this pic cause I wanted to compare my cel phone camera to my real camera. My real camera wins. In my other shot, you can't really tell much difference between the two. Oh well.

People Watching

2007-09-12T12:34:00.000-05:00

Lunch at La Madelines

Greatest Fears.

2007-09-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

There comes a time when you get to that age when its inevitable that the possibility of losing one or both your parents becomes a very harsh reality.

To me, death was never something that scared or made me all that sad. Guess I'm just weird like that. When I was in Jr. High I found out that the Irish celebrate their loved ones passing while they mourn the birth of newborns. I'm not sure that applies to today's culture, but from what I remember at the time it made perfect sense, like a really bright light was lit somewhere.

I mean really why cry about dying? Don't take it to mean that I'm one to go the complete opposite and be like "Oh yea. Good riddance. They're gone. Move on", more like celebrate that I knew them and everything they taught me. Cherish the memories I have of them and share those with with everyone else that loved them. Of course tears are gonna happen, but I can't see that I myself would be selfish enough to still want them here, when where they are is better ~ because they don't have to deal with the burdens of everyday life (or medication, or pain, or discomfort and there's nothing I can do to help, except be there).

And by them, I mean my parents.

My mom has been having an abundance of health problems for the past two years. Nothing like cancer or anything, thankfully. More like she was just diagnosed with type two diabetes, on top of lupus, and add arthritis to that, in two years time. And in a way I'm mad. And its not her I'm mad at, but more like reality has set in and the clock is ticking.

Because I would always tell her to watch what she was eating. That she didn't raise me to eat that way. I would suggest that she take up walking with my dad, even if it was going up and down indoor air conditioned supermarkets. When I was a kid my mom would weigh what she ate, and work out to her VHS tapes. I even tried to be like her and Mousercise at 6am all summer long.

I don't know the difference between type 1 and type 10 or if there is even a type 10. But I do know now, that I'm more at risk that ever and I doubt that whatever she has is reversible.

One grandma lived until her seventies. My other grandma is still with us, and she's the only grandparent I have left, who also has diabetes. My grandpa passed away late last year from ulcer complications that finally led to internal bleeding. My dad has almost been taken away from me three times. T H R E E. And I know every reason was of very unusual, out of his hands, freak incident circumstances. But my mom. Most of it could have been prevented. My mom, who I always thought would live forever.

The reality is that the past doesn't matter, it's what I do with her today that counts.

I'm afraid that I might not get another 20 years with her, and now I might be one of those selfish people that I don't understand that cry at funerals. Which only means I need to enjoy what time I have left with her, and hope this is the scare that she needs to actually take care of herself, because nothing I said to her got into her head.

Please don't tell me that you can't change people, they have to want to change. I'm aware of that. I don't know what I'm mad at, but add this to the list of everything else that is just pissing me off lately, that I also can't seem to let go of.

The most important this is she's still here with me, and I get to see her this weekend. Hopefully I'll have done enough research to give her some useful advice.

So go on watch this and laugh, cause I've already cried enough for one day.:

The beauty of outsourcing.

2007-09-04T15:47:00.001-05:00

I keep seeing reports in the news about all the fungus that chicks are catching all in the name of vanity. There are a multitude of reasons that I stay out of nail salons but the fact that they’re so unsanitary is the primary one. When these stories are features you’re bombarded with images and stories of cases where these shops obviously have unsanitary conditions and of course they warn us what to look out for if you just HAVE to have your beauty fix while frequenting the local nail shops.

Hey if anything, if you have eighty dolla’s to spend on some ridiculously over priced paint job, then you have the money to spend on getting that fungus removed. The sad thing is, you shouldn’t have to fear for your health because of sanitary neglect.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the girly pampering sessions. I love taking trips to day spas and getting massages and facials. I even love having all my body hair ripped out. However when it comes to having somebody work on my nails, the line is drawn. In my experience most nail salons are run by people who don’t give a shit for customer service because they know SOMEBODY will continue to frequent their stores. On top of that their advertising is extremely misleading and what starts off as something that says $10 manicure / $15 pedicure ends up being around $55 if not much more.

You’re manipulated out of your money by all these little things. Charges range from removing your cuticles, putting lotion on your arms and even scrubbing your feet with sea salt. You gotta give these workers some credit though. I mean take a really good look at CERTAIN peoples feet and you will see the workers DO earn their money just for touching them nasty monkey claws. But if you say NO to these little offers they guilt you into it anyway. Yea, it feels awesome and tingly, but really. Is it worth it?

When you originally get in, you’re tricked into believing the wait is only 5 minutes. Which then turns to 20 and of course you have to look at old magazines that promote ‘perfect beauty’ which in fact makes you feel frumpy in comparison to the airbrushed beauties.

After you’ve waited, then you’re rushed to a chair and ordered to sit a certain way. Wow. I sure feel welcome and appreciated. You get to pick out a color, but certain colors cost more than others. If you want a pretty mural theme painted on your nails this is also more. And if you want that so called chip resistant top coat then that’s ALSO an additional charge.

Of course don’t forget about the lotion on your hands which then causes the paint to peel within 2 days, pretty much negating the amount of money you’re dropping onto your beautiful nails.

And if you’re unlucky enough to have sat in the salon while your paint was drying… Not to mention that they take your money BEFORE the paint job is finished, you know cause you don’t want to ruin your pretty nails by digging in your purse. But if you happen to get to your car and your paint somehow smears, fixing it definitely isn’t free.

No, I’m not speaking from experience, and I’m not bitter. Not at all. With the money that is spent on having somebody else paint my nails, I could just as easily buy the stuff to do it at home. . . and definately have better results, hopefully with no fungus.

Read a mudda . . .

2007-09-02T21:07:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching CNN today because like the good girl that I am, I wanted to be like all 'up to date' on my current world and social events and as I'm sitting there I see this:

As you know, the news prompters are making their typical monotone CNN educated PC observations and trying their hardest to not bust out laughing. I sat there in my living room, eyes glued to the tv and jaw agape down to the floor, I was mesmerized and shocked at what I was seeing. It didn't even seem that CNN had any censorship on-air, but it could be possible that my mind has grown so accustomed to filling in the gaps.

After it was over I had to youtube it to see the whole thing. The commentators were talking over the video, and of course was only partially aired. So I watched it, and I didn't know where to feel dirty, to laugh, or to shake my head in disbelief.

I have to say, I totally get the satire. Really I do. I even appreciate it as well as all the slander and offensive language. Seriously, how else are you going to reach out and slap your target audience? Watch this video and get past the frequent F-bombs and stereo-typical one-sided-accepted use of hip-hops N-'splicitive word and tell me if you can hear this songs very hard hitting message.

I'm not one to say that I get *inner-city* culture cause I don't. I didn't grow up there, much less know anybody that is proud to say rose-above and climbed out. I studied my ass off, during high school, in college and everything I've learned in between is something that can be applied to everyday life. The situation just has to present itself.

With that said I am of the belief that they chose to STAY there, surrounded by the mess they create for themselves. Not only do they not care for themselves, but they don't care for their surroundings, their offspring or the society they enclose and isolate themselves in.

The people that are able to rise above, either because they are smart, or talented and on some occasions both. Combine that with luck and you have the newest and most dangerous American: the superstar role models.

Long ago and even now, I'm moved by the deeply powerful lyrics that came out of these so called role models. When all they really are are self proclaimed, and proud of it, thugs. Every now and then one would sing something that really make you *THINK* and appreciate what you had and even be happy they were no longer a part of their former surroundings. It all that changes when you see them become these freakish role models and you hear them open their mouth. You gotta wonder: "Is this an act?". They propagate to all the other inner-city youth that they should be flossin their grills and spending their money on useless trash. On top of that, they make it seem that just because one person made it out, everyone else is ENTITLED to as well.

And that's just not the case. The American way now is different than it was 10, 20, 50 and surely 100 years ago. Todays kids believe they're entitled to be special because they've been told they're special their entire lives. They've had everything handed to them from day one and never had to work for it, figure it out, or do any of the hard work. I believe this applies to the inner city kids as well.

My generation is so full of angsty late 20 to early 40 years olds who tend to believe that you work for what you have and that respect is something that's earned not just handed out. My parents generation is of the belief that you respect anyone older than you, even if they're not worthy of it.

I might have gotten off track here, the point is. Todays generation of kids don't raise the kids they have, somebody else does. They don't care about anything except material possessions that mean nothing and have absolutely ZERO value from the point they've been paid for, usually by somebody else. And the only way that todays kids WILL read something is if you put in on your ass and SHAKE it.

I've been saying for years I wanted to make a tshirt on it that says "SMART" but I don't think that anybody but me would wear it. Education is everything and opens so many doors.

What would you have done?

2007-08-02T10:57:00.000-05:00

One of my more realistic phobias is fear of bridges. I absolutely cannot stand them, but since they are a part of daily life I’m forced to deal with them, and drive over them. Every day. Yesterday when I went to go have dinner with my grandma, we were watching the Texas Rangers ball game so I didn’t know the following tragedy occurred until this morning.

I was taking my routine morning shower and heard there was a tragic accident on the 35. Hmm. That didn’t sound right, WHICH 35? (See metroplex has a 35E and a 35W) I left the bathroom and walked in front of my TV, nothing looked right until it was mentioned the tragedy was up in Minnesota.

Damn.

What I saw looked like a security video, taken from the angle of Galloping Gertie and then all of a sudden, the bridge collapsed!!!

...And that is one of my biggest fears.

Not only did the bridge collapse, but it collapsed during rush hour traffic. There were kids on a bus that the story was focusing on (and pretty much all I’ve seen so far today). A reporter asked a Red Cross worker who was below the bridge what he saw and the Red Cross worker stated that what happened was what you would have expected to happen under the circumstances. To me that means the unspeakable. I can imagine this would have brought out the worst in people, because you know rush hour is also angst hour for many combine that with an unexpected tragedy and I’m sure the results are astounding.

When I lived in San Diego and moved to southern suburbia, the direct line to and from work was driving on the 805 over the 8. For any of you who have lived in or traveled over that bridge know that it’s HUGE (at least a quarter mile long, if not longer and at least 10+ stories tall if not taller). I know that it’s retrofitted every so often but that doesn’t make me feel any better when I would drive over, and it really made me feel icky when traffic would come to a standstill and I could feel the bridge shake.

That is one of the worst / scariest feeling that I can feel and have no control over.

Now this morning I heard that the bridge in MN was pretty much not even fit to be driven over. I can just see the lawsuits forming, all sorts of negligence going on there. I don't know what I would have done if this had happened to me. I can't even begin to image the loss everyone is feeling.

When do you stop thinking in terms of 'We'?

2007-07-31T11:05:00.000-05:00

When does that point happen? I've been going thru my three flickr accounts and trying to merge them all into one and in doing so I've come across very powerful images. Some of them take my breath away, others make me smile and 'remember the times. . .' and still others make me extremely angry, sad, remorseful and what have you. I can't bring myself to delete them because they are a part of me, and just cause I delete them doesn't mean they didn't happen.

I've never been much of a sentimental girl, but I find myself looking at certain calendar days as being special in some way. As in this happened this day, or I was doing this on that day . . . or even worse: "I never imagined I would be here (as in HERE, where I am N O W) a year ago today!". I always thought there would be that stupid Cinderella Happily Ever After ending between us. A funnier feeling is the sense of dread I get such as one in that the world is going to end today because something happened back then. . .

I'm not ready to talk about my past to people that are trying to get close to me. I'm even more selective about people I talk to in general. Aside from writing about my past to random internet strangers, it's hard to even talk about it to people that ARE close to me without getting emotional. As stupid as it sounds, I keep wondering if I did do the right thing. I wonder if I could have left in a less traumatic way. I wonder if I really did do everything I could to 'make things work'.

Does that mean I haven't healed?

I only think about these things because when I talked to my dad last, we didn't tell each other "I love you!" before we hung up. I know why he didn't (and it's not cause of a fight, but sometimes people wear blinders or have tunel vision) but after hearing it for so long and being so accustomed to it, it felt weird not saying it.

It made me think that "What if that is the last time I talk to him? I didn't say I loved him."

Which for some reason has made me thing of the last time I left the other half of my then "WE" and it wasn't good. At the time I was content with the departure, now I'm not so sure. It's not like I can take it back or ask forgiveness, but it's there, it's done and can never be undone. I don't know if it's shame or atonement I feel yet it is constantly on my mind as of late.

Even when referring to the old "we", I'm very careful about saying "the ex" "my ex" "my then BF" or any other past tense phrases to new people. I just say "my friend". It sounds better. I don't sound like a broken half of an old couple. People don't ask questions about the friend they way they would about "the ex" and better yet, they don't give me that LOOK of PITY.

This is me, a year ago today taken by the other half of that "We". Who knew I'd be where I am now.

Am I putting my old "WE" on a pedestal that we no longer need to be on?

I'm so glad I don't

2007-07-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

Have food alergies.

Yesterday a co-worker and I were going to have Lebanese for lunch. Silly me pulled two dumb moves two days in a row. Day one, I forgot to leave the house with a camera battery AND my cel phone, so when the Downtown Dallas Gas Explosion happened, I wasn't able to take pix of it. I did see huge plumes of smoke from my manager's window. Day two, I didn't pack the CF card.

DOH!

I wanted to try to get a backup 512mb card, but radio shack was charging more for the smaller card than I paid for my card that was twice as large. Can you say: NO Thanks!? I thought you could. Feels good, doesn't it?

Anyway, back to Lebanese. By the time we got to the restaurant, there was a line. Can you hear me? I said it again: NO Thanks!

So what are the alternatives? Taca Cabana? Ugh. No.

I remembered asking my co-worker if he like Japanese food, and his first reaction was No. So I thougth about my question first. I said: Do you trust me? He said: yes, I said: We're going to have Japanese then. He gave me a look. I asked: Have you ever had it before?

No, isn't it all raw?

No, they have other stuff too, trust me you'll like it.

Ok.

So we found a place about a block away that I've been wanting to try. As we walked in, I loved it. It had a very eastern feeling without feeling like they were going over the top. I had my sashimi plate and he ordered some shrimp. Since we both had bento boxes, we also had Gyoza, salad, Cali rolls AND shrimp and veggie tempura.

He's not much of a fried food eater, but I suggested he try it all before dismissing it completely. He was skeptical of it being 'heavy' and when I assured him that it wasn't he tried it. Then I said something I never even thougth about or ever had any fears about saying before. The tempura was probably fried in peanut oil.

The look in his eyes nearly stopped my lunch.

I'm glad he doesn't have peanut alergies, but I'm greatful that I've never had to have any food fears or allergis. I love that I can eat everything, and feel bad for people that don't.

Another co-worker and I were just discussing lactose intolerance, prob one of the food allergies I do have, but I eat cheese an chai's anyway. Then suffer the consequences later. :)

Just getting old.

2007-07-27T01:11:00.000-05:00

What is it with music today? Actually, it's not like this is new or anything but it just seems that the radios play nothing but crap. Not only do they play CRAP, but the same stations seem to play the same crap at the SAME time!!

Hello?

Don't you guys have program managers that like, I dunno talk to each other and make sure that you're all not playing the same crap at the same time? I'm sure running a radio station doesn't require a degree in rocket science and I'm sure they also have no problems hiring, oh say, you know the bottom of the class lowbies. But really, is it too hard to ask for a little but uniqueness to the lineup?

The listeners are what really crack me up, cause according to the radio stations, they're the ones requesting this garbage.

I've pretty much subjugated myself to internet radio and havn't really regretted the decision. One thing that made me feel old was when I was in my car not to long ago and one of the DJ's of one of those 'oldies' stations said something along the lines of 'classic' rock. . . GUNS -N- ROSES had just finished playing!!!!

Like OMG. . . when did that happen?

I remember watching the movie "Children of Men" (the whole movie is set in the future) and there is this scene where Michael Caine (who is up in his years, but still a mega hottie) and in this movie he is "OUR" age (Gen-X-year-old) but of course since it's in the future he's playing a fifty-ish year old.

Anyway . . .

He puts on his Living Colour on acid rendition of what sounded like "Cult of Personality" and rocked out with his strawberry smelling cigarettes, while Clive Owen (did I mention he's a hottie too?) looked on in amused questionment.

Why is it that I can see myself doing something along those lines when I'm fifty-ish years old?

Cause yea,

Here I am today, rocking out to my 90's Alternative Rock Internet Radio and I couldn't be any happier when my classic GNR comes on live radio.

Go me.

Things that irritate me (1)

2007-07-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

People, especially absolute strangers ~ that think they can call me honey, darling, sweety, baby or any combination of those endearing names.

You're not intimately related to me. DO NOT speak to me as if I am YOUR pet. This is just something that immediately sets me off.

Attack of the Exes!

2007-07-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

I asked my close friend last night if she believes things happen in threes. She asked me to elaborate, and I while was reserved about asking her, I went ahead and asked her anyway. It's better to get your aprenhensions out in the open than let them fester inside and eat away at you.

Well, I didn't think about what was really bothering me until yesterday.

But really, it started about two weeks ago, I got a courtesy email saying that yahoo was removing their picture feature and focus SOLELY on flickr. They said I had pictures in an ancient account and they would be deleted on a specific day and my course of action was to move them before that catastrophic event happened.

Those of you that really know me know that I never delete photos, not the originals anyway.

I found the pix that somehow were saved in some strange place for some strange reason I never remembered storing, but I do remember having ~ I felt sick seeing them. They were nothing bad but it was definately not my best memories. Since I had this old account opened, I thought I would see who sent me emails, or if there was any interesting spam coupons.

I felt even sicker when I saw that there was an email from someone *IN* the pictures I had just looked at. The only consolation I got from reading the message was that *I* was the one that WON. That person broke their silence and contacted me, even though in our last conversation I expressed extreme interest that I never wanted to be contacted again EVER under any circumstances. It goes to prove that even though people come and go in your life ~ they never truly leave.

-----

Then after work two more incidents happened back to back.

First was waiting to meet up with someone at a specific time, while I was waiting I decided to check my regular email. There was another message, this time from a different Ex, this one being my ex-husband. Now the circumstances here are completely different. We actually get along and our split was a mutual one. While we are not in constant contact, we do keep each other up to date on any major change in each others lives. While that wasn't always the case, that's the way our paths cross now.

I last spoke with him around thanksgiving, he was just following up to see if I've landed on my feet. Seeing his message just showed me that he still genutely cares.

-----

While this next one doesn't really mean it's the third, it's still an encounter of some sort. Yesterday I was deleting pictures from my phone that had already been uploaded. I found one of another guy I dated earlier this year (thought I don't consider an 'EX' ~ he was just someone that I enjoyed spending time with, but it just wasn't going to work). I also posted the picture to my flickr account before deleting it.

My friend wanted to know the story of the picture, I told her, we laughed.

Yesterday, I was walking into a store, and I heard one of those loud VRROOMMMM car sounds. The sound made me giggle inside but I didn't bother to turn my head. In the store, I saw an the guy I dated earlier this year!!

I stopped dead on in my tracks, looked and verified it was him and turned and walked the other way. I paid for my stuff and as I was walking back to my car, I saw that it was his car that made those VRRROOOOM sounds.

-----

So things happen in threes. Does that last one count, or is there another email encounter in the works?

It's starting to look like I have a LIFE

2007-07-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went back to visit my parents and brought my grandma along for the ride. Unknown to both of us my uncle and his girlfriend did lots of work in her backyard. She now has quite a few steps so she can walk around and not get bitten by those invisible - grass - feet - biter - bugs.

They also added quite a bit of concrete that they meant to add before my grandpa died. Because of all the rain and 'flooding' there is a part of her yard that tends to over flow into the garage, hopefully the concrete that was added will either stop or significantly reduce the water that sneaks into her garage. They have drains back there already, but there is only so much the drain can take away....

Back to my weekend, I ended up doing quite a bit of shopping. I'd put a little aside and have been trying to hit up the outlet stores when I have time to replace all the stuff I left behind. Unfortunately it seems that people here have no respect for anything and sometimes you find sheets with bubble gum stuck to them, rugs that have other funny things that have things hidden in them so outlet shopping here is not only time consuming but sometimes a bit of a let down.

Where my parents live, they actually take care of the stores and people seem to be 'too-good' to want to pay discounted rates for high quality stuff.

That's cool! More for me!

I found a duvet cover and sheet set with pillowcases. My next purchases, more pillows and a replacement feather-like comforter. I'd like some real rugs too, but my little cheapies will do for now.

For my kitchen I found a set of 3 colanders, a set of 3 mixing bowls, 4 oven safe soup bowls, a HUGE butcher board, sandstone coasters, a real to-go tea mug, 3 wine corkers ( a fancy one and a basic one) two bread knives ( fancy and plain) an oven mitt, 4 wine glasses, 4 martini glasses.

Next on my list: a garlic roaster, a chili roaster, wine rack, silverware tray, utinsil display and maybe some more baking sheets.

Cinders of course got some treats too. I got her a new bed that matches my new bed set and for the kitchen she got a new water bowl, placemat and several food dishes.

For what started off as a bad start ended up pretty good. Everything is starting to look better.

How much luckier do you want to get?

2007-07-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

This year is 2007.

This month is July (seventh month)

Today is the seventh.

AND Today is Saturday (the seventh day of the week)

Earlier it was 7:07 am.

And nothing special happened. I just ate breakfast with my parents and my grandma. Lucky Me :)

Couldna had a crappier start

2007-07-06T14:58:00.000-05:00

So I was packing up my bags last night for a weekend @ my parents house and really couldn't decide what I wanted to bring. I could't decide if I wanted to bring Ms. Cinders or not either.
This morning I overfed Cinders, gave her a large bowl of water and made sure her box was clean. I finished throwing some stuff in my pink suitcase, grabbed the stuff I borrowed from my brother (to return when I get back on Sunday) and left the house.

Normally I listen to the traffic report, but heard nothing out of the ordinary or unusual. I was getting annoyed with the radio stations on my way to work because they were all playing the 'best of shows' which involved old Paris Hilton Jokes and the other local 'hot' stuff that was over two months old. I realize around 7:58 that I'm STILL on the road and NO WHERE near work, so I scan for traffic reports on my car. Nothing. Just lame repeater talk radio and absolutely NO music.

LAME.

To top it off, I went to make the phone call that I'm stuck in traffic and guess what: No Phone. It's a home charging. I'm going out of town. I'm NOT going back home LATER to get my phone. My camera, its packed in my suitcase in the trunk.

Great.

@ 8:20 I am STILL sitting in traffic on the SAME Tollway. I've moved no more than 500 feet and I'm noticing that behind about 20 cars there are NO more cars. They're being forced off the Tollway by policemen. Some of the cars at the end of the line are driving in reverse just to get off the Tollway as well. If I were to do that I'd have to drive over 1000 feet and I'm not risking a ticket. I'm already late. Since I don't have my phone I don't really know (aside from just driving EAST) how to get to work form here. Plus there are still about 10-15 cars behind me.

Phoey. I'll just sit here. And go forward. Slowly. I screamed and shook my steering wheel. Maybe nobody noticed. All I had was Tool in my CD player. I played it loud.

I finally get off the tollway a little after 9. I'm sure lots of people in the country know about the rain in North Texas. Even on the radio during the non 'best of' repeats they said that the flooding area covers enough land to be the size of Mississippi.

I mean WOW. As if Texas isn't big enough, now over half of it seems to be under water. They said California was gonna fall into the Ocean. Guess the Texans beat 'em to it.
Here comes the HIGHLIGHT of my morning.

I'm about a mile away from work, sitting at a dead stop. I'm not one to have people drive around with me in cars, but I do occasionally have passengers. I've been teased on more than one occasion about the distance I leave between the car in front of me and myself. (Usually about 1/2 of the car I am driving's length).

It's been raining on and off all two hours of my morning. The roads are wet. The Dooley in front of me is sitting @ a stop, I'm stopped. I look behind me and hear a screeching. I can see in in my rear view. I have no where to go, there are cars to my left and a car about to pass me on my right. I take my foot off the break because I've heard its better that way.

SMACK!!!!

That guy had to have been going at least 20mph when he hit me. My car went forward at least five feet, or so it felt. I'm lucky the airbags didn't deploy and there wasn't more damage to MY car. His car is another story.

(I'm going to have to update more later) (my weeked starts now) (please let it get better)

Things that make me laugh.

2007-07-05T20:48:00.000-05:00

I'm a commercial geek, here are some of my favorites that no matter how many times I see them, they typically make me laugh. If I'm having a cruddy day and I'm frowning ~ they pep me up!

The Pepto Bismo Monsters

Subaru's Ricky

Maybe I wanna be a french fry! (Burger King)

I'll add more to this as I think of them.

You're just a little rebel, aren't you?

2007-07-05T20:25:00.001-05:00

So I took the plunge. I may have taken it a bit soon but I'm totally ok with that. I bought an item on my wish list that I've been wanting since I moved out and all I am waiting for now is the shipping. I've never really been one to get excited over things but I think for this one I actually feel a little elated, even if it's just slightly.

My parents loaned me their P&S camera back in November and I've gotten considerably more use out of it than they have, however using is is extremely frustrating because of lack of focus and features, not to mention the actual quality of the pictures and the ability to edit them fully.

Here's what I bought as a treat for myself for getting thru these past few months. I pulled out my old camera bag to make room for the new one. The thought briefly crossed my mind to sell my ELAN Canon, but I enjoy black and white photography (even thought I've not taken a B&W pic since 2003) and even with the direction that digipix are taking I can't bring myself to completely take the plunge and just sell it off. Besides ~ it still takes awesomely beautiful pix and I still have a huge bag of film to snap thru.

I justified to myself that once I can actually afford my true wish of the Canon 30D and then eventually the Canon 5D (hahah) then I'll either 'give' my camera to my parents or maybe to my lil brother (who's also a pretty awesome photographer in his own right).

I would have probably waited a month or two, or even after buying these lovely babies, but after seeing Rachels pix. I don't wanna wait!!! It's that instant gratification thing :) tee hee hee

Since I have a camera bag, a flash card, a mini tripod, a slew of filters all I really need for my new baby is a real tripod, a strap and maybe a larger CF card. Yup ~ I'm excited all right.

They finally listened.

2007-07-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

One of the coworkers on my floor gets a little excited every time she finds out they've hired a new person with a spanish sur name. One time she got so excited her emotional outburst was to say "We're taking over BAYBEEEE!!!" She actually turned a few heads with that one.

For the longest time, I've wanted food network to have a hispanic chef and I just saw what looks like a preview for a show that revolves around Latin inspired dishes. Excellent! I've seen so many shows with chefs (food network seems to have an abundance of italians) that will talk about their foodie experiences growing up and not once have I ever heard them talk about (when showing their talents at say, making oh fish tacos) how it was family inspired. Those stories usually revolve around some vacation or mentor chef, and that's just not nearly as special, cool and inspiring yes, but just not something to make you say 'ahhhh how sweet'.

I love listening to the home stories about how they cooked with their parents or grandparents and with this show coming up ~ hopefully I'll finally get my wish. I can't wait to see what Ingrid has to offer. Her show starts July 14th. Check out the details here. I sent an email about a year and a half ago requesting a spanish chef, guess it didn't fall on deaf ears :)

I'm slightly excited. As my coworker says "We're taking over BABYEEEE!!"

2007 Fireworks

2007-07-04T02:26:00.001-05:00

Ok well, there's a little story here. Of course my ramblings never make much sense to anyone except me.

This is my composite pic from last year.

I lucked out in my housing situation since the fireworks show was only about a mile away. (which is excellent cause I totally hate crowds, dealing with parking and those random loud dumb drunk public people). Last year I had a completely different life, in a completely different world (like any other geek girl fairy tale it was far far away) and that fireworks show was literally in my back yard, this year the show was up on my roof and slightly farther away.

I looked up the show online, it started @ 9:35 so I headed out with my little camera. As I walked down the hallway, it was strangely more quiet than usual. I headed up three flights of stairs to the rooftop lot and I hear music. As soon as I opened the doors it was like a mini tailgating party. Except quieter. Sweet. The smell of hot dogs was in the air.

Since the entire area is concrete, some kids were snapping their bottle caps on the ground and just about every car had their doors and trunks open with the radios all in tune to the fireworks show. Occasionally you'd hear neighboring complexes erupt in applause and see the occasional photo flash. I felt out of place since I seemed to be the only one out there alone, but no one bothered me so that feeling went away quickly.

I took 108 shots, about the same as last year. How strange.

The show lasted about 30 minutes and as soon as the finale was over, everyone that was on the roof got back in their cars and went back to their lives. I've never seen ANY cars on the 7th level until today. I love going up there once a week and seeing just how FLAT it is here. The rooftop here was what sold me on my housing choice. If it weren't for the weather, I'd probably be up there more often.

Watching the fireworks from my vantage point reminded me of the one year a friend of mine snuck me up into a government building (post 9/11) and we had our own private roof top show right on the San Diego Bay overlooking the Embarcadero. It was a beautiful show.

After seeing tonights fireworks I really miss seeing the reflection of the explosions on the water. There are enough lakes here, its a wonder why don't they have the shows out on the water? Less of a fire hazard you'd thing? I didn't see the reflections last year because of where I chose to watch the fireworks so that's one positive ~ right? It made me not miss it so much.

I wanna know why they chose to have their festivities tonight instead of tomrorow? Wonder if its the same reason I can't buy wine @ the grocery store.

Just add it to the list.

2007-07-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

Well I did it, I survived June an I'm ready to take on July. I survived all the first time payments and deposits of all those bills such as High-Speed Internet Equipment Rental Deposits (why I can't use my own modem is beyond me) and all the stupid account setup fees and 'we just don't trust you' deposits that come with the insane price gouging electric companies here. I survived my car insurance doubling despite what I think was moving to a 'nicer' neighborhood (tell me again why I'm paying more when my car is now enclosed in a garage, I live in a gated community and my commute to work is 5 miles shorter ~ why am I paying MORE for car insurance?) I survived adding my mom to my mobile account and doubling my minutes ~ too bad D&G are no longer with my provider cause there goes all my 'free' calls ;).

I made it thru eating roast beef and avocado sammiches and micro-waved taquitos. I spent weekend after weekend @ home in June wondering if moving out and on my own was such a wise decision so quickly and after being presented with sleeping on my cousin's couch ~ I had the biggest smile on my face when I realized that I actually have a 'HOME' to go to and a bed of my own to SLEEP in. That was the greatest feeling and definitely made up for all those poor and broke weekends.

The plan originally was to stay with my brother no more than two months which is what did happen. What didn't happen (which was also part of my plan) was to buy and replace all that stuff that I no longer have. However what did happen was I ended up blowing alot of my money on new girly clothes for my new girly body as well as getting lots of stuff tailored and altered, spent alot of it going to salons and replacing all my hair products that were almost gone, helping out my parents, and spending more time in the salon removing hair and painting nails ;)

What I wanted to do was replace my camera, get a fluffy bed, find that perfect couch and of course replace all my lost wares in my ultimate kitchen.

I got a loaner camera, a loaner bed, a loaner lazyboy, and I'm slowly but surely replacing my kitchen gadgets one by one.

After getting my rent taken care of, I decided it was time to celebrate and cook one of my favorite dishes: Shrimp Scampi!! (I really need to get some more favorite dishes btw ~ once I get a DVR, I can work on that :))

I go to my grocery store (the one with the bank, not the one I wanted to go to) and to my disappointment they didn't ice up my shrimp and they DIDN'T have ANY liquor. WTF? Mannies grocery store in BFE sells wine, and the grocery store I wanted to go to sells it too (about 2 miles away). Oh well. I was given directions to the liquor store around the corner and eventually ended up home.

Well guess what? I don't have a corker. DOH! So now my shrimp is prob cooking itself in the warm air cause of all the driving and I don't have even a screw to pop open my wine bottle.

I tried to improvise and use my brothers drill ~ it wasn't nearly as funny as this, especially since it didn't work. I opened the door to my apt and just so happened to have a neighbor walking by who did have a corker. Sweet. I thanked her and went on to making my dinner.

The shrimpies felt a bit dry but over all the dish was wonderful. Not to mention I now have butter, pepper flakes, parsley, parmesan, balsamic vinegar and olive oil ~ so now I can cook more italian stuff later this week.

I need to add a bread knife and a corker to my list. I was soo happy with the outcome and can't wait to eat leftovers tomorrow.

All the cool girls are doing it....

2007-06-27T19:10:00.000-05:00

I saw that my friend did this, and she got it from here. Here's my opinion on this quiz.

1) Why do geek girls find geek guys attractive? Does it go beyond the
ill-fitting clothes, the recent stench of stale pizza and spilled mountain
dew, and the CRT radiation-burned eyeballs?

If something I do that others consider 'weird' the geek doesn't (such as my eating more ketchup than fries ~ prime example) Or if he finds some way to point out something funny instead of the typical "that's gross" will definitely get my attention.

Or if I say "Any volunteers for the weekend viewing of Transformers" and we can talk about how when we were kids which transformers we had and which our favorites were instead of ... well only being interested in the movie cause I said I wanted a date and then saying something like "I like your _____."

2) What can a geek guy do to get a geek girl to notice him?

Show me you have some culture. Seriously food is not only about take out. As Napolean Dynamite said "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!" Show me you have skills in the kitchen, then show me your collection.

So you have an awesome collection of MP3's and a kick ass system to blast it. Do you like live shows? Wanna check it some out? How about live theatre instead of watching the same DVD's over and over again.

Basically what I'm saying is, I want to get out of that geek comfort zone of behind the keyboard.

3) Does a geek girl judge a geek guy on the technology that he surrounds
himself with?

Just like non geek girls judge non geek boys by the cars they drive, this geek girl is impressed with the toys the boys have. And just because it's old doesn't mean it's crap.

4) True/False: Geek girls are more affectionate than non-geek girls. Why?

For this geek girl, that's depends. I typically don't like PDA's. When it's time to wind down though, I like cuddling up and snuggling on the couch. I like holding hands and guys that open doors for me. I like spooning and all that other girly stuff, just not overtly attention getting PDA's.

5) What is the one conversation topic that a geek girl can't resist?

Once I've warmed up to you and I'm comfortable around you, ask me how I feel about something and if you're listening you'll ask me for details. It's the fact that you care about what I say that gets my attention.

6) Have you ever used your girl geekiness to sway the outcome of an event
that a geek boy controlled? Say, for example, your ability to acquire an
Xbox 360 on the day of release?

Of course. I don't have my B008i3s working for me like some girls though, but I do have my charming good looks that have gotten me a game or two before release date.

7) Do geek boys make better longterm relationship partners that non-geeks?
Why?

In my case yes. Of course all three geeks have been over 4 years.

8) True/False: Geek girls are impressed by geek boys that continuously show them how much smarter they are.

False. No one wants to be put down. There are not to many ways to say you're smarter than someone with out the other person feeling like a dolt or worse unequal. Abuse comes in many forms and mental is one of the worst.

9) Amongst the members of the tribe 'geek', sexism does not exist. All
geeks are created equal, therefore all are paid equal. Is this true in your
experience?

Yea right. The boys still bring in more money than me. I think even in the fashion industry the boys bring home more than the girls. The only 'career' that women make more than men is modeling and porn and everybody knows that SEX sells. Everyone also knows that looks fade and smarts are always there.

10) What is the worst pick up line that a geek boy has used on you?

Wanna see my version of Thor's Hammer?

I just don't care.

2007-06-27T00:16:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I had a semi eye opening experience this past weekend and it made me realize that no matter how much I care about someone, it's just never enough. I also realized that even if you open your mouth with the best intentions, no matter what you say ~ you're still the asshole.

And if you don't say anything, but then say that you WANTED to say something ~ you're an even bigger asshole. So why bother caring? It's just too painful.

2007-06-19T17:45:00.001-05:00

Knowing where you are.

2007-06-14T08:29:00.001-05:00

I've been in Texas now since late November but I still can't get used to my new area code. Everytime I'm asked my phone number I usually always say "619... I mean 214". You would think that after seven months I would not still be doing this. I havn't done it on my address, so why am I having trouble with the phone number?

Socially acceptable deviant behaviour.

2007-06-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

Do you think there really is such thing?

Ever have one of those days where no matter what you try to do right, everything and everyone just seems out to get you?

I woke up late this morning, about 55 minutes late which meant that I had about 35 minutes to get ready. Lucky for me I took a shower the night prior. I attempt to blow my hair out straight and again my hair refused to cooperate.

Just great. I pull it back in a classic chignon and walk out the door.

Just why does my hair want to pull temper tantrums? What can I do to bribe my hair into submission? I like the new look and all, but I just want my hair to do what I want it to and not what it wants to. Either way, it's still healthy and that's all that matter right?

Right around lunch time I figured out why my hair was being childish. Me and the ladies step outside and guess what was waiting? None other than my friends the rainclouds. That explains the puffy frizzies. The second the ladies and I step in the car is when the rain comes down. So we're all discussing where to go and agree on 'cheap mexican'. The funny thing about the Big D are the neighborhoods: On one block you'll see homes worth over a mil, the next block over are homes and business with bars on windows and are completely worn down. However the property they sit on is worth a very pretty penny.

I think they should do like San Diego did to the neighborhoods on the 15, which is pay them off, tear them down and rebuild. Everyone I've spoken to has said how much the neighborhoods around my office have changed in the past 20 years. For me they're just not changing fast enough.

We pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. It's full of potholes, bars are all over the windows, some of the building brick surfaces are full of scars with huge bits missing from them. As I walk past a few of the other businesses I notice all kinds of little things that make me think I'd just rather not be here in non daylight hours. Even San Ysidro never made me feel this unsafe.

In the restaurant, it smells like my grandma's kitchen. Ok, it's not so bad now and all of a sudden my tension seems to go away. We take our seats, order our food and OMG it's delicious!!!

----

So back at work the rain continues. From what I remember on the morning news, the storms were way north of us so where did they come from?

Today the sky didn't turn dark, but I did get a nice lightning show along with the thunder acoustics. My boss asked me if I had ever seen lightning. I had to admit to him that lightning and thunder are pretty rare in SD. I grew up here in Texas, but as a kid I never stopped to appreciate the storms and most of the time I ran around the streets kicking up puddles of water.

I went back to my desk and about an hour later I look outside again and guess what? Not a cloud in the sky! When I started to go home it was HOT again: 105. Ugh!!

In an unrelated topic, did you hear about Paris Hilton's new catch phrase: "That's Holy!"

I'm sitting on the highway, and it's going slower than usual when this car in front of me SLAMS on their breaks. Shit.

I'm sure all the cars in front of him slowed down too, but com'on gimme a break. Traffic reports are stating that west / east bound north routes are at a standstill. Great. It took me about an hour and a half to get home and by the time it was all over I was beyond irritated. Even with my agro music it didn't help. Stop Go, Stop Go.

I wanted to push my magic button that would bring out my mega car crunching tires or better yet, transform my car into a helichopper and fly away home. Best thing to do was go home and play some Grand Theft Auto.

Looking for suggestions.

2007-06-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

What's a girl to do? Any suggestions for doing frugal things in the North Texas area?

MMM Sushi!

2007-06-12T13:48:00.000-05:00

So today at lunch, some coworkers and I went for a drive and found this place near the office. The food was good, but the service was lacking. I don't think I'll be going back.

Triggers

2007-06-10T22:37:00.000-05:00

So this evening, I watched the second episode of that show "Army Wives" on Lifetime and there is a scene where the main character and newest army wife takes her new husband on their 'honeymoon' to Morocco (she's trying to learn about the middle east).

For some reason seeing the scene that took place triggered a smell in the back of my head that I can't recall for at least 10 years, if not more. Isn't it weird how seeing something like that can trigger such a powerful memory ~ that you smell what you remember?

Civic's. Mini's & Rabbits . . . Oh My!

2007-06-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

So here I am in the process of going out and doing some car browsing in the hot summer weather. I've narrowed my choices down to basically the Civic and the Rabbit and probably more specifically the Civic just because it has all those goodies, awards and longevity, not to mention awesome resale value. I started off looking at Honda Civics, Hyundai Tiberons, Scion tC, Mini Cooper and the VW Rabbits. Then there are the unattainable cars such as the BMW 325, Volvo C70, Mazda RX8, Audi TT and of course the BMW M3, all coupes of course. No topless cars please.

Can you tell I like small cars? I keep wondering when I'm gonna 'grow up' and desire one of those sedans or SUV's and I just don't see it happening. I happen to like small cars cause it's just me ~ I rarely have a passenger much less tote stuff aside from my purse, my lunch, my laptop and hopefully one day a camera bag around. Since I live alone I don't buy lots of food when I go food shopping and even then I tend to buy it when I need it since I love fresh food.

I don't know anything about engines, power and fuel injectors. What I want in my car is something zippy. Since I'm an urban chick and spend a majority of my time in traffic I really don't care all that much about horse power either. I mean the car I have now has a V6 and is a Sedan and I RARELY ever get to feel that power being used unless I happen to drive during non traffic hours (which is rare). The only passengers I've had have been my parents, my brother and his wife, oh yea and Manny once. What I really want is a sunroof an iPod connector (who cares about CD players anymore, right?) HD Radio, power windows/locks, power seats and purrty tires.

Smaller cars also cool down faster in the heat :) I took a test drive at VW the other day. I tested out the VW Rabbit AND the GTI which was basically the Rabbit with power. The only thing that turned me off the GTI was the steering wheel. When I turn I like to let the wheel get back into position on its own and when I let it do that, the steering wheel kept blocking cause of the strange shape. That alone would drive me crazy so sadly the GTI was out before I even had the chance to fall in love with it. Ah well. As for the Rabbit, I'd love to take it home with me but because it just came out this year (even though it's a rerelease) I don't want to be one of the original american testers. I'm the same way when it comes to PC's and software too :)

I'm gonna test out the Civic this weekend. The only problem is its gonna have to be first thing in the morning or sometime before they close. Hopefully they'll let me take this one on the freeway... excuse me, highway.

Oh no she diden'

2007-06-07T18:27:00.001-05:00

I came home for lunch today and on they news they were saying that Paris Hilton was released from jail.

Excuse me?

First off she violates parole and blames it on her publicist. Then she's sentenced to a 45 day term, which was shortened to 23 days. All I've heard since Sunday in each news segment is Paris this and Paris that. I really wish something tragic would happen somewhere else in the world to take all the focus off of her.

I'm not saying that I dislike her but she is the posterchild for all that is wrong with the american culture. She is THE symbol for excessive privilege and over indulgence not only in celebrity culture but she makes people that idolize her believe that we're all entitled to be excused because of her behavior antics and that those in positions of power ALLOW her to be excused.

So what if she only had three blankets. I'm sure there are homeless people just outside of the Los Angeles county jail that would do anything to be able to sleep in an air conditioned room with three blankets rather than on the streets in the open elements.

Ok, so she didn't have a pillow and had to use one of her blankets for a pillow. Your point Paris? I remember them saying that she was supposed to be allowed visitors this weekend, but of course that's not going to happen.

I don't know why this bothers me. Her life doesn't affect mine, nothing about her parallels my life in any way. So maybe I did wish I had all the privileges and luxuries she did. Maybe I secretly liked one of her poppy-sounds-like-every-other-pop songs but for her to drink and drive, get caught, do it again, get caught again and NOT take any responsibility, blaming her publicist for her DWI. Notice she never took or claimed responsibility. I mean jeeze, you're rich enough why didn't she PAY somebody to drive her home rather than DWI.

She didn't know how to use a payphone. I'll admit when it comes to using things like the yellow pages or typewriters or fill out a deposit slip I'm clueless so I can relate to the payphone thing - BUT there are instructions on the phone honey. I am sure you know how to read, I mean you did write a few books about how to make the world revolve around you, Paris.

It's just ridiculous. They should have just stuck her under house arrest for 80 days in the beginning. Why don't you stick your ex buddies Nicole Ritchie, that fire crotch Lindsay Lohan and crazy girl Britney Spears all under house arrest with you then reality film it on Fox and call it the Privileged Life.

Ok so that turned more into a rant that I was expecting. Why can't I get away with crap like this?

You're all crazy.

2007-06-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's 6.6.7 now but there was definitely a mix of crazy in the air. My normally easygoing laid back boss had issue on issue land on his desk this morning. The topper was a crazy woman that called in then managed to find her way into our building and onto our floor and wait outside his office.

Talk about a woman on a mission.

Turns out she was an employee in another building and she claimed that someone from our department was harassing her. Crazy. She was so distraught with her claims that at one point I even felt uncomfortable. I apologized.. why I don't know, I did nothing wrong but I apologized anyway for her inconvenience and she went back to where ever it was that she came from.

Things got so escalated that HR was called in and they even contacted me to make a statement. I made sure to answer yes and no to their questions because anything I said could possibly cause someone to not have a job. Not something I want on my conscience.

After all that drama, the day is over faster than normal. I head for my car and start on my way home when my cel phone rings. It's a 619 San Diego number. This girl starts harassing me. She knew more about me than I knew about her, so I hung up on her.

The freaks were coming out of hiding today. Gotta check the moon.

It's almost that time again.

2007-06-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

I started my 365 day photo journal today. I've had so much on my mind for the past two weeks which has caused a great amount of anxiety and unwanted stress. I finally discovered what I think might be the problem.

On 6/6/6 I had my car all packed up to go back to Cali. What a terrible day to make that kind of decision, if you believe in omens such as those. I don't think I do, but after the wild ride that is my life maybe I shouldn't dismiss them so quickly.

Do you hear LL Cool J's song? I do. What about think about that movie with the spooky stuff? Maybe?

I was talking to my cousin Mannie the other day and he and I are such different places than we were a year ago. We're both working and both single. Last year we had no clue where our money was coming from and we each had out set of enabling significant others. But not anymore. As we had our conversation during our reflection moments I think about how much he's grown and how much I've grown. Lots of things that were pointed out to me that were easily dismissed now scream for attention.

One of my coworkers has a son that plays little league. She just told me that her son might get a chance to play in his divisions world series. This is a huge ordeal and can end up costing lots of money, not to mention time. She rolled up her sleeves and showed me her farmer tan lines, I recommended more 50+ proof sunblock and to wear tanktops since it cuts back on the farmer look. Listening to the pride she has in talking about her son, I can't help but think about a girl that was special to me at one point in my life.

When I was out this weekend, I saw two preteen girls in their softball uniforms and flipflops. They were wearing the shorts and tank style uniforms but still had their fastpitch emblem obvious on their jersey.

Seeing those girls, I had to take a minute to catch my breath and blink.

Why? I don't want children, there were times that I would vocally make clear just how adamant I was in my displeasure in not wanting to be around that crowd. So why was seeing those girls so hard? I've read you push away those closest to you, and I see people in my family do it all the time. I did it all the time, I'm sure I STILL do it.

***

Tomorrow is the anniversary that I packed up my car, and thought that I could make it work. By the time November came around the damage done was so great and the words and exchanges made were so damaging that saying "I'm sorry" will never be enough.

It wasn't even five months that it came to the point of not even speaking. We couldn't even stand to look at one another, much less exchange words.

I remember not feeling right about leaving my aunt Chris's house. She cried. She didn't want me to leave. Now she won't even talk to me and I'm living back in the area. I wonder why. I've tried to email her and call her but the exchanges are awkward so I gave up. I shouldn't feel this way about her because one day she might not be there anymore for me. I lost my grandpa. I spend as much time with my grandma as I can.

I found out her son, my cousin was in a terrible motorcycle accident and nobody in the family told me. What if he had died? He was hit by a car and not wearing a helmet (hurray for Texas laws) and is not currently working and recovering from a bone infection. I found all this about because I read his EX-Wifes Blog. Just great.

They didn't tell Mannie either.

***

When I was driving back to San Diego, I had to stop in Tuscon because it was getting to hot for me and my car. It was about 103 by 1pm. I stopped to get gas even though I didn't need it. I called Sam and asked him to find a hotel for me in somewhere along the 10. I mean he had access to the internet and maps, how difficult could my request have been? I was trying to save money and didn't want to drive from hotel to hotel checking rates.

He made things difficult because he was stressed at having a tax auditor in the house with him. I got flustered and hung up on him because I didn't know the area any better than he did. At that moment I REALLY wanted to just turn around and head back. At that moment I KNEW nothing between us had changed and if anything had only gotten worse.

I was only 6 hours away from San Diego. I had already been traveling for 15 hours almost straight.

If only right? I woulda saved us both five months of misery.

***

I guess my point is, I want to see what this year will be like. I've been forced to start over. Circumstances are not as easy as I made them out to be on paper, or electronically. Life has been hectic and changes have been fast and overwhelming at times. I'm sure some bridges have been burned and hopefully some of them can be repaired.

I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know where I've been. Hopefully that will give me some incite on what to avoid in the path ahead.

More rain.

2007-06-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

I went to work today and the weather said it was supposed to be a normal day, normal meaning no rain. I slept with the AC on because around 2am the business across my parking lot decided to start making noise and wake me up.

When I came home @ lunch had myself a sandwich and a fruit salad, I thought about opening up my doors and windows and I'm so glad I didn't. I mean the morning was beautiful and lunch was beautiful. It was nice and breezy out, not hot and definitely not humid.

Around 3 I had to track down an employee on my floor who was on the North side of the building. I looked out his window and noticed a storm coming in. We talked about the storm a few days ago that made the sky turn black... as we stood there watching the SAME thing happened again. I excused myself and went back to the South side of the building.

As tradition, all the managers had their lights off to watch the show. I walked into my bosses office and not long after walking in there a transformer across the highway BLEW UP!!! All we saw was a big BLUE circle of lightning. About 5 minutes later you heard the firetrucks. It was so dark outside you couldn't see them though.

The pink building in the picture above was struck by lightning about 20 minutes later. You could see the lightning dancing around the windows and the second seemed to be a hell of a lot longer than it was. I wonder what it felt like to the people inside. You could hear everyone up and down the hall exclaim out loud: "Did ya'll see that!!!!"

Hehe. ya'll. No, I didn't say that.

I'm not afraid to admit that these storms scare the crap outta me. I'm sitting there at the window with all my peers shaking but at the same time I can't bring myself to run and hide under my desk (where I'm sure I would look stupid). During the storm I thought I saw birds flying outside, turns out they were twigs from trees.

There are no trees remotely NEAR my building, its all concrete. There are trees way across the parking lot, but they're still a good walk away. Circling around the windows are bits of tree twigs just floating around acting like birds. What they're doing up on the 8th floor... that's some crazy powerful wind.

I stood looking out the window at the sheets of water pouring down, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder and the emergency worker sirens going off. Down below I could see the service roads filling up with water and the highway next to it coming to a standstill.

I'm so glad I have multiple options when it comes to getting home. I have a tollway, a highway, and regular roads. Seeing the water I said that silly rhyme that you hear on TV: "Turn around, don't drown". It's silly but the cowboys here seem to think they can take over these mini rivers then they act surprised when they're swept away.

By the time five o'clock came around they rain had stopped and the sky was back to normal. I rushed out of the building before the weather had a chance to change its mind.

An old favorite

2007-06-03T13:22:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you know that for quite some time, I've had this serious desire for home cooked food. It's been a month in my new apartment and for some reason I'm still doing the whole eating out thing.

Well ~ I still ate out cause I'm missing so many uber cool kitchen gadgets that cooking in my home isn't very welcoming . . . just yet anyway. After looking at my bill last week and realizing an average of $18.00 was spent per day for both lunch and dinner, I said no more!! Not to mention that since arriving in March I've gained about 7lbs. Yea ~ not the direction I want to be headed in.

I keep meaning to go running, but something comes up, somebody calls and I just make excuse after excuse. At least when I was living with D&G I had a semi valid reason. (1) The track was over five miles away and (2) there were too many stray animals running loose in the neighborhood so I didn't want to risk running there. I've still not found a track here and people run next to cars in my new neighborhood (no thanks, I'll leave the fume inhaling for when I'm sitting in traffic). I have a gym within feet of my front door and a pool that is open 24/7 but I'm just being lazy when it comes to getting motivated. I gotta snap outta that since it's short and tank season.

Something I never woulda really cared about in Cali since most of the time I never wore "real" summer clothes because of the perfectly tempered weather. I'm still in the habit of carrying around multiple layers of clothing, but at work it's freezing indoors yet when I step outside my layers and sweaters come off.

I wore shorts and a tank out to when I went to Central Market and all around me I saw beautiful women everywhere with their perfect legs and perfect arms walking around with their perfect outfits and there I was in my weekend rags.

I picked up all my "good for you" food here. After reading all the foodie reviews in D Magazine it seems they're the place to go to get your fresh food. I have to agree with the magazine, they have a better selection of the rarer and freshest foods out there, aside from the Farmers Market which also has an awesome collection of goodies.

When I went with my new gal pal, we passed by a "real" cowboy who had about six freezers each with a 20x16 poster photo of a cow. Turns out you see what you eat. I know that might make some people go vegan, but I thought it was humorous. What I wondered was how many photos he cycles thru, if he prints them at home, or if they are truly actual photos of the cow in the freezer. Morbid huh? I'm still gonna get a steak or two from that cowboy one day, with any luck I won't bring home a tapeworm.

Where was I? Oh yea food shopping. I got my number at the fish counter realized I had about 20 people in front of me so went and picked out the rest of my fresh veggies: avacado, celantro, jalapeno, ginger and limes (for this dish). I saw the LARGEST cherries I've ever seen and bought about a pound of those, some Texas peaches and some Cali naval oranges (my absolute favorite). My total bill here was $15.00 and I have enough for three more tuna steaks.

Sweet!

It was all so yummy, and so simple ~ it makes me wonder why I waited so long to bring home the good nummies. Not to mention that my smaller portions left me feeling fuller than all the junk I've been eating these past three months. All in all I spent about $105 on food this weekend. I plan to hide my atm/visa card so there won't be any temptation for eating out. Wish me luck.

Rain rain go away.

2007-05-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

The weather report said there was a chance of severe thunderstorms, floods, hail and all the other nasties associated with clouds and stuff. Lucky for me I didn't hear anything about tornados.

I went to work this morning and the skies looked friendly. However around 9am the skies shifted. I took some pix with my digital and snapped this with my Mint.

I can hear thunder and all the managers on the south wall have their lights off to watch the lightning show. Creepy!!!

Now the power is flickering and I can hear the rain beating down on the bldg.

What? You act like I've never seen rain before... Not like this :)

Why am I so irritated?

2007-05-30T00:57:00.000-05:00

Is it because of PMS?

Is it because I had to go back to work after a nice long weekend?

Is it because I'm worried about my financial stability?

Maybe yes to everything.

Most awesome biscuits.

2007-05-28T10:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my cousin Les and his girlfriend Wendy had their housewarming party in combination with James' fifth birthday party. His parents, older brother and two of his kids were there too.

All the women were hanging out in the kitchen, making tea, mashing potatoes and peppering peas. The guys were out watching the bbq, watching TV and geeking out on the pc. Occasionally we'd all end up outside together in the garage chatting it up.

The amount of flies reminded me of when Sam and I put in out grass and the flies were just waiting to get in. Don't you just love fresh sod?

Somebody mentioned there were no biscuits, so Laura and I took James for a ride to walmart to get some cheddar, sippy cups, and pancake bisquick batter. Interesting. Weird they're using pancake batter, but I'll take the recipe.

My aunt cooks like my grandma. No measurements. I watch while she pours in some milk two eggs and pancake batter. The consistency is thick biscuit-ish. My aunt buttered up a cake pan and stuck it in the oven until the butter melted. (she used 1/3 of a stick of REAL butter). After that she used an ice cream scoop to measure out the biscuits, then used the butter from the pan to pour over each biscuit to give it that golden color.

The result was some really awesome biscuits. Oh yea, everything else was great too.

Lemon Lime Slushies

2007-05-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't made one of these silly collages in a while. This one is ultimately cheesey but I don't care.

I was driving home today and all I could think of was getting home and making my slush. Todays temperature seemed to be hotter than usual (it said 89 but it felt hotter). The sun was also out which intensified the heat.

Cinders greets me as usual. I change from my office clothes to my hang out cottons. I'm almost outta ice so I turn the ice maker back on. Hopefully I won't have to throw the first few batches away like last time.

Pop the ice in shaver and walk away. Take the frozen glasses outta the freezer, the syrup outta the fridge. Pack it all in the glass. Have a seat on the floor in front of the fan. Instant cool down. Oh yea, life is sweet.

Gotta love grandma's

2007-05-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I spend some well deserved time in the salon, before I left the studio I went to the restroom and left my sweater. Oops. I called on Tuesday and lucky for me it was still there. Too bad I can't say the same for the glasses I lost @ Target.

Oh well.

I went to pick up my sweater @ the Salon and since it's kinda in Grandma's neighborhood I gave her a call and asked if it was ok to stop by. Lucky for me she wasn't outside in her garden or at the market.

I've always loved going to see her and now that I live so much closer and don't have the financial restrictions I had last year I can see her as often as I want. The best thing about going to see her has always the food she would make while we would visit. I believe the food has gotten better over the years, especially since I have a more adventurous palet and try all those spicy salsas.
When Eddie was overseas he always wanted my grandma's salsa's in his care packages. He would tell me they never lasted more than a day. No matter how caliente they were, it was always finished and then he'd ask to send more.

I really need to sit down with her and write all her recipes down. One thing I learned long ago when Eddie sent me to grandma's to learn to cook was that she NEVER measured anything which is something I've pretty much never done either. This is something that my mom could never figure out (but she still buys me measuring spoons and cups). It annoyed Adam because sometimes I would mess up meals and they would be over or under flavored cause I never measured stuff. Sam would point out and wonder why I didn't use the tools my mom bought me. Eddie never cared, he ate anything and never watched me cook. I would usually say that I was never taught that way but the real reason was I didn't want to clean the spoons and cups.

The funny thing is when I watch the food network cooks unless their stuff is pre measured and put into those cute tiny serving size dishes they tend to 'eye-ball' the ingredients they toss in. So guess me and grandma are doing something right, right?

One of the last times I was there she had mentioned that she wanted to give me a fryer for my fish tacos. She couldn't find it at the time but after looking inbetween visits she found it. It's one of the classic fryers and not like these new ones with multiple parts that may or may not be dishwasher safe or may or may not be washable. I know those fry vats at fast food and fine dining establishments rarely get cleaned... but still, I'd like to be able to clean my electronics from time to time without worrying about electricuting myself. Basically it's one piece and has adjustable temperature.

Sweet!

She asked me when I was going to see my parents again, I told her I wasn't sure so she went ahead and gave me a book of photos of my grandpa to deliver to my mom when I next saw her. In the book are some photos I've not seen. When I called my mom later, I asked her to bring her scanner if she comes to visit before I do. I want to make some copies of these photos and hang them on my wall or better yet, flickr 'em. Some of them are very arty and I see where my eye comes from.

We spent some time in the garden too and she sent me home with a fresh seeded pot of rosemary and another filled with basil. You just know I'm gonna be cooking soon.

How do you freaks find me?

2007-05-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

So I was getting ready to go to bed and I happen to log into myspace just for kicks. I read this message from this girl who claims she WAS engaged to this guy that I was seeing earlier this year. As it turned out he was too good to be true. Mannie suggested I ditch him and long story short I did.

Seeing her email made me curious as to what she was referring to, so I looked at moe's flickr page. Funny how seeing things after you put them behind you will just piss you off again.

Just as I was soothing myself down for the night I get all wound up again. The question is ~ do I want to take on this drama? I mean, if I was a girl that WAS engaged to that guy, I personally, at least as an instant reaction would want my questions answered. But then I would think about it and wonder, "Do I *REALLY* want to know the answers to the questions I'm asking?"

Despite me trying to leave my drama behind me, it seems to find me somehow. Here's her message:

*NAMES have been changed, blah blah blah

She sounds like a smart girl, at least she understands the simplicity of forming coherent sentences and paragraph structure. She even said thanks. I know this one time when i was 22 I found out that the man I was seeing was married. I tried to tell the wife, but she didn't want to hear it. I ended things with him of course, but he really didn't like what I did to his life after that.

Seeing that email seems kinda like the same story 10 years ago. I didn't know the LOSER was engaged, but he did have some issues that just didn't fly with me. The only difference now is that I found out 5 almost 6 months after the fact while before I found out while I was dating the married guy. I'm sure Ally, Rach, Mannie and Danny can back me up on the LOSER boy stories.

Whatever. It's something to think about.

Who came up with these names anyway?

2007-05-22T16:49:00.001-05:00

This morning the traffic report mentioned there was an accident on the highway I usually traverse and that two of the four lanes were closed.

Just great.

Lucky for me there is a TOLLway parallel to my usual commute route that I would be driving on this morning. I continue getting dressed and decide it would be wise to leave about 5 minutes early since I've never been down this road before. I walk out the door and drive half way down the block before I realize my GPS friendly cel phone is still sitting at home on my bed.

Great place for it right?

Especially since I don't know how to get to work from the TOLLway. I take my chances and keep driving.

So far so good, when the TOLLway ends I realize that I've gone too far, but the prior exit was 4 miles ago.... Who came up with THAT bright idea? My GPS sooo woulda come in handy. The good news I'm about 15 minutes ahead of schedule. The bad news I'm downtown, hello I work uptown.

I find a street I'm familiar with and head north. Eventually I wind my way to that tall ass building that's next to the building I work in. I'm so glad I can navigate by land marks cause seriously trying to drive on these streets is confusing. I make it to work right on time. If I had my GPS I prob woulda been 10 mins early.

~*~*~*~

Before lunch, I check on my TOLLtag, it's been 11 days since I've ordered it and it's still not in my mailbox. I call up the company again they said I could come to their office and get a new one for no charge.

Great, I can pick up my cel phone at home too. Good thing the TOLLtag office is in the vicinity of my apt. I pick up my phone and then head to the TOLLoffice.

After 5 minutes of being there, I decide I NEVER want to come here EVER again. It's right up there with going to the post office and the bank. When I got there nobody was in the office but the workers and it was quiet.

Next thing 5 random other people walk in and two of them decide that talking LOUDLY on their cel phones was more important that the task at hand.

TAKE IT OUTSIDE PEOPLE!!!!! THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOUR BIZNESS!!!!

This causes the 4 other people that are with reps to raise their voices to the reps in front of them so they can be heard. Mind you this office does not have those nice little mini cubicle partitions that the Triple A offices have to suck up noise and keep your conversation between the CSRs and the Customers private.

I don't want to be here anymore.

When I get my tag, I say my thanks and leave. I'm so flustered with those two stupid cel phone so I give them both dirty looks to which they are oblivious of course. I slam my car door and I hear my tires screech as I speed away.

My bad. Oh well.

I turn on my GPS and try the TOLLroad again.

I swear, I'm getting madder now. Who named these fucking roads anyway? I'm driving SOUTH on the road labeled NORTH TOLLWAY. This TOLLroad is just as dumb as the road next to that other highway. The one way road that goes SOUTH on the ONE WAY ROAD called the NORTH expressway. WTF?

Also, I have to get used to NOT calling these roads FREEways cause there ARE no free roads here. There are highways and expressways, and tollways. I really miss those Eastwood commercials. "Freeway, it's that thing you're speeding on."

Stupid cowboys with their stupid naming conventions.

One of my friends laughs at what I trip on. He says that if those are my only problems then my life is good. Guess he's right.

365 days

2007-05-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

Flickr has this group called 365 days. I've been a member for quite some time and before I left CA I wanted to participate in this group but my life changed and those plans never panned out.

The rules are simple, take a self portrait for the next year and post them to the group. It's tempting but my hindrance excuse for the moment is that I'm using ancient technology camera wise. (Canon A40)

Before I moved into my new apartment I wanted to buy myself a new Canon D30 DSLR and the 28-135 IS Zoom Lens (my favorite lens aside from the 1.4 50MM) That didn't happen either. I was too happy spending time in Salons, going clothes shopping and getting old clothes tailored to fit my new shape. Those sprees were fun, but I do wish I had exercised some self control and got the camera instead. Oh well, it will be mine eventually.

Back to that group. I should get over myself and my point and shoot digi and just join. Have fun and learn more about self photos, right? I mean it seems to be the thing now days away. It's funny, when I was learning about photography in school they would always say that the self portrait is the hardest photo you will ever have to take.

I think they wrote those lessons before they invented cel phone cameras.

It's been a while . . .

2007-05-21T14:02:00.000-05:00

Since I've last actually sat down and thought about WHAT I want to write about, so long in fact that I really don't know what subjects to conquer. I get my inspiration from so many places, while I'm out driving, when I go for my walks, sitting in my cube, watching TV, listening to the radio, hanging out with friends ~ basically it comes from everywhere and strikes at anytime.

When I was living with my cousin and he and I had out internet outtage (which he is STILL wwwless ~ damn those Charter Communications buttheads) I would still write my blogs, however when he and I would actually make it to the cafe's the blogs seemed pointless so I wouldn't post them.

Then when I was staying with my parents, the environment was so stressful that I could never write anything nice about anybody, but I would write it anyway. I think I'm still paying for the repercussion's on that one, but whatever I refuse to sugar coat my words or take them back and I'm not sorry for writing them.

At my brothers, because of the style of power outlets he had, I couldn't even plug in my laptop. He didn't have internet either so forget about trying to blog. I also found a job and in the beginning the one time I made an attempt to go out blog, I couldn'd find an open outlet. Another time the internet was down or running very sluggish. Yet another time at the bookstore I went to I had just paid for access and then they closed 15 mins after I paid... I gave up trying after that.

Now I finally have my own place! On Friday I made the trek down to my local friendly Time Warner Cable office and picked up my high speed internet kit. After a short misunderstanding they let me take my 2 boxes home (For some reason they thought I wanted a tech to come and install their goodies at my place. Over the phone I was given the option to self install or wait 2 weeks for a tech to come out, I said I would do it myself TYVM)

When I got home on Friday, the first thing I saw on my laptop was to call their call center. They told me my modem was registered to another account and it would be 24 hours before they could release the mac address.

Grumble. Oh well, I've been five months without internet, whats another day right?

Saturday evening, I test it out again, Reboot the modem and my mac ~ I get same redirect message. I call TWC again, they refresh their system and everything is magically working. Now to work on my wireless router.

This project took alot longer than I expected. First of all my old reliable blue linksys router managed to keep all the settings in it despite unplugging it and not using it for six months. This new wireless blue linksys that I bought in February was not so smart. I plug it in connect my laptop to the box with a wire ~ nothing.

Hmmm. I go to the linksys router setup page, download updates that I can't seem to open despite them being .bin files, I check my setting and they all look right, but it's not working. I call up TWC again and they tell me since it's not their gear I need to call linksys. So I make another phone call. Lucky for me I get right thru.

An hour later I'm all up and wireless, catching up with all my online buddies, looking at all my waste of time websites, reading random emails and of course searcing for recipes.

Ah life is complete again!

I have a weakness and it's raspado's

2007-05-19T23:38:00.000-05:00

Originally uploaded from flickr.

I blame my brother for this purchase. One day I was chilling on the couch watching TV @ his place and him and Gracie come home from Wal-Mart. They're unloading their bags and my brother is totally excited about his slushie maker.

He's a little disappointed when he gets it out of the box because the ice tub is only 1/2 of what it looks like in the picture but he doesn't let this deter him. He loads up his slushie maker with ice and twists the nob.

A few minutes later he's poured the syrup over his shaved ice (and I asked if he could make me one too) so we're both enjoying the slushee treats.

A few days later, I had to buy some toothpaste or something @ Target and saw they had a small stash of slurpee flavors themselves, so I bought a 3 pak of Lemon-Lime, Grape and Strawberry Banana. After that I pretty much made myself 2 or 3 slurpees a day.

The weekend I moved out, I was joking around with him and said I was gonna pack up his slurpee maker and he could come over when he had a slushee craving. He said him and Gracie were planning on getting me a slushee maker for my place, but I just spoiled my surprise (too bad I couldn't wait for their gift).

The same weekend Daniel was helping me move, we were wandering around the Wal-Mart in my neighborhood and saw their HUGE stash of slurpee mix, he took home some more for his collection, I passed them up cause I had nothing to drink it with... until now.

So today I'm wandering around with a specific budgeted shopping list @ Target when I see in spanish, in huge hard to miss pink letters: RASPADOS ¡Prepare sus bebidas congeladas favoritas en minutos! Disfrute de granizados, raspados y bebidas congeladas con su soda, jugo o fruta favorito.

Dude use a translator, or common sense to figure out what it said.

Budget be damned. I brought this baby home with me along with 3 new syrupy flavors. I've had two already today. Someday I'll head back over to Wal-Mart and raid their slurpee flavor stash. I'm sure, in fact I know I can make the syrup myself and I can make it better.

When I made my first slurpee in my apartment, I had this memory triggered from last year where I blended some canned pineapple, maraschino cherry juice, pineapple and sunkist soda and lemon zest with some simple syrup. I swear I made the biggest mess but even after freezing it I think I figured out how to make my own homemade sherbert. Two days later it was still that not quite solid but not quite frozen consistency.

Also seeing the term raspado on that box reminded me of when Sam would go to that little mexican taco shop near our house and he would bring me back my lemon lime raspado and my shrimp/octopus cocktail. Damn I loved those things, now I can make my own!

Sweet!

Blood Donation

2007-05-17T23:45:00.000-05:00

I was watching my emails come in one day at work and I see they are having a blood drive in the near future.

I think of all the blood my grandpa lost.

I think about my cheesy little Red Cross certificates telling me how much blood I've donated. (about 2 gallons)

I get scared they'll send me away because my iron count is so low. It's happened before, on top of a myriad of other mishaps when I donate my time and fluids.

I see there is an e-sign-in sheet an fill out their form. I scheduled myself for a 12:15 appointment on their blood mobile. Time passes quickly and next thing you know the time to donate is here.

Too bad the day I donated, I wore a skirt.... The good news is nobody was in the blood mobile when I walked in (which changed quickly).

While I sat in the round chair I could feel the blood moving thru the tube as it left my arm. Before I sat down, they asked me who I wanted to donate my blood to, I wrote down any grandpa or trauma woman. I didn't think about it until later to maybe donate some to Jessica. I don't even know if she's my blood type, but if I happen to donate again before she's a mommy, I'll make the attempt to leave some for her too.

I finished up without feeling sick or spitting out any projectiles. Good thing I ate at Freeb!irds right? That steak burrito helped boost up my iron to a 13. Their minimum requirement is a 12.5 which is higher than San Diego which is a 12. Honestly I've never seen my iron so high. Its usually hovering between 9.5-12.

They sent me back to my cube with loads of sugar and juices and of course my Tshirt. It's retro yellow / brown Padre colors.

They also patched up my arm in my favorite neon green tape.

The rest of the day I've been super tired and took a nice long nap when I got home.

FREEB!RDS

2007-05-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Guess what I found?! My cousin Mannie and I took a road trip to College Station last year and him and his then girlfriend took me to this awesome burrito shack called Fireb!rds. I swear it was probably THE best burrito I've had (not counting anything with the name Roberto's or any other variation of ~berto in the name). Well my coworkers and I were supposed to go to Chipotle today.. *bland I know* but lucky for me the driver exited the freeway... ahem highway too early and someone else said Fireb!rds was here.

I perked up?!?! You mean that awesome place I went to last year?! That's right here? This close to work? AWESUM! I snapped a photo and txt'd it to Mannie. His reply? He hated me. No cold mushy leftovers for you buddy!

Hopefully the steak-rito will be enough to boost my iron for my blood donation later.

There's no place like. . . H O M E !! !! !!

2007-05-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

0511071915-768876, originally uploaded by molashes.

My new place.

I <3 Duke!

2007-05-10T18:13:00.001-05:00

I usually let the doggies out when I come home, most of the time because of the weather the backyard is usually muddy which they then bring back into the house. Then I have to leave them in the kitchen until I feel their paws are nice and dry to come out and hang with the human(s)

earth -v- wind

2007-05-10T17:01:00.001-05:00

I'll take earthquakes over these tornados, knock-down wind storms, torrential rains and flash floods any day. Call me crazy, but earthquakes last no longer than a minute and sure only the ones with a magnitue of 5.5 or greater (which is rare) do any devistating damage. These storms however have lasted since oh say late November and have yet to leave me with my beloved Blue Skies.

Living in SoCal for as long as I did, I grew accostomed to rain happening only every so often, usually at night and never really being something that would scare me. However just about everytime it rains here, some area that I need to traverse in (either walking or driving) turns into a pond or stream that isn't heel friendly. The water that falls out of the sky is also warmer, which does wonders for my curlz ~ gotta love high humidity.

Guess what it comes down to is what you're accustomed to. I've grown accustomed to little earthquakes here and there. The best way to describe an earthquake to somebody is when you're sitting in your car, and you happen to get stuck on a bridge and that bridge also happens to shake while you're sitting there waiting for traffic to move. That is the closest I can put into words the feeling of what 90% of the earthquakes I felt.

These storms, they seem to last forever; the wind howls, if you have animals, they panic. If you have a house, sometimes bits of your house or lawn end up somewhere they don't belong. Even worse if you like to garden, your bushes end up torn up or uprooted. I've seen fallen bits of trees moved to the front of peoples yards that eventually wilt before they are taken away by the garbage trucks. I've also seen bits of the roof hanging out on the ground. Fun stuff to take care of on top of all the

Face

2007-05-09T22:15:00.001-05:00

Rainy Goodness

2007-05-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

Absence

2007-04-04T21:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've been able to post/write/blog check my email, look at pix, upload things. My life has been extremely busy, very productive, and I feel like I have a purpose ~ for once, finally, YEAH! ~ in a very long time.

I think I might finally be back on some sort of track or path. I took a giant leap of what can only be called stupidity, headed back to the city and forced my presence in the faces of recruiters who I knew, with enough persistence, would give me a chance.

A little over a week of getting back in the city, I found myself back in the Fortune 500 league of corporate America. I'm back in the industry I know, I'm working with a great group of people, all of who are incredibly smart AND funny, not to mention extremely laid back. The weather the past month has been great, so I'm not homesick... yet.

I found myself an apartment in the middle of the city, I sign my lease papers tomorrow. I'm in between two shopping centers, and close to three freeways. People are constantly walking and running everywhere. It feels like my version of 'home'. This is my life. It's mine again. Soon, I'll have my privacy back!!

I can't wait to start shopping for my new bed, new plates, flatware, barware, sheets (since it's too hot here for all my flannel sets), a new laptop, camera. Cinders will be glad to be back as the top cat and run around as she pleases.

I wish there was more to add, but I just don't have time.

It's about time.

2007-03-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

Originally uploaded from flickr.

I started a new job today with a pretty big fortune 500 company. It's a temp to hire position and I have a 15 mile commute with 8-5 hours. I decided it was time to give myself a treat of a new celphone. My old one isn't holding a charge like it used to (which I blame for the region since when my friends come to visit their phones don't hold their charges either). The camera on my old phone sux compared to all my families cam-phones. The mint chocolate plays MP3's so I can put off buying an iPod for now as well.

My other option was the black Samsung SCH-u740, but honestly I despise txting. I can't justify buying a blackberry wanna be phone just to do something I really don't want to do to begin with. It is tempting to have that nifty keyboard though.

So far I love this phone, I've had it since Monday. I love that my contacts can have multiple numbers unlike my old Moto where you had to have multiple contacts because they had more than one number. That Moto feature irritated me when I left my old Kyocera B&W phone. It also has GPS in it which is another money saver, let's see if I actually use that feature.

Some nice guy named Ed gave me a map of Dallas on Monday, which helped me get to work today. Which is really helpful since I don't have internet and access to any map webbie sites.

I downloaded a song, then after I downloaded it I was irritated because it was an edited version of a song. I also can't email songs to myself because the files are too big. I can however email myself ringtones, so I still have my Doom Song sung by Gir, and my Gir charms. Which is all that matters anyway right?

Let's see I also have 30 free days of VCast, it looks really cool, but I can't see myself spending $25 for internet on this tiny device with a crappy txt pad entry system. I did see myspace page. But no, I wouldn't pay for this service just yet. Their vCast specific stuff however is pretty cool ~ but it's very limited.

Other than that I like my present to myself.

I am absorbing stupidity like a sponge.

2007-02-23T03:01:00.000-06:00

I hate feeling like this. I hate all this negativity around me because it's everywhere! I hate that some of the people that I have to surround myself with are too blissfully ignorant to know any better. What's even more sad is they don't care to change their ways or even hear or try alternate experiences. I hate that the only thing I can do is smile ~ because as my cousin Stefanie says, "it fools everyone". Obviously the best advice I can follow for the time being. Honestly, I don't care to change them, but I really wish they were not so judgmental and dismissive.

I hate that my blogs sound so negative. Home is supposed to be the one place that is my oasis of sanity yet I'm surrounded by negativity when I get here. I can't get away from my dad unless I leave the house, and seriously, why should I have to leave home? If I leave the room, I can still hear him watching TV too loud, and ALL he does is watch TV. When he actually does interact with my mom and I, all he does is make faces and complain. I always make it a point to ask him if he ever says anything nice? All he does is gives me a look of astonishment.
----------
When I look at him watching TV and try to talk to him while he happens to be zoned out, I'm constantly reminded of this dinner last year when my parents came to rescue me from Sam. The four of us were just sitting down to eat ~ enchiladas or something. Everyone except my dad helped contribute to the meal process. (Why? Because as he said, he's a Man, and he was too enthralled in his novella. Guess real men can watch them, right?).

My mom cooked, I cleaned, Sam grated the cheese and did stuff with the avocado's. See real men do help. My dad never physically abused my mom though, unlike Sam, so at least for that I'm thankful. Whatever, Just had to add that. Dunno why. Anyway, everything is on the table, the four of us sit down. My dad is facing the TV. I turn it off. Sam and I didn't watch TV @ the table while eating. My dad got upset. The TV got turned back on. He zoned out again. I threw corn chips at him. He didn't even notice. As funny as it was at the time, it still makes me sad that he zoned out his grown child tossing corn chips at his head.
----------
Sam constantly verbally put me down about behaviours I had. I was, and still am really good at zoning things out when I focus on something. I understand that alot of the flaws I had and still have all stem from my dad. I don't know how to feel about it either. It's like should I be grateful that now since I'm back in the homefront, I can see this and learn and understand, or or or what?? I can't change my dad. He is who he is. My job is to care about me. Obviously pointing out that he's negative to his face isn't productive, I'm as a loss as to what to do, other than just DEAL with it.
----------
Not only is negativity here at home, it's also at work. People I'm supposed to respect, I don't ~ because they have dismissive and negative opinions on nearly everything. (Another behaviour that Sam would constantly berate me about.) He always wanted to know why I as so negative. Not only was it because ~ as I see now, was I the product of my environment ~ but on top of that, Sam was the ONE person in the world that I was supposed to be comfortable BEING ME around. Sadly, I couldn't, because when I was being ME, I was punished to feel that my upbringing was too primitive and antagonistic, like he was too good for me, but he would never tell me that to my face.

So for the past six years I lived a lie. I always wondered why when Sam gave me every privilege, every material possession, every comfort imaginable ~ WHY was I so unhappy? Because in order to maintain them I had to betray who I truly was, and in the end I could no longer lie to myself. I looked out the windows of my beautiful home every morning, and sometimes cried about why could I not enjoy it. I constantly asked myself WHY did I cringe everytime I had to look at him? Because he hated me for being me, and I hated myself because he hated me. And that is why I left.
----------
Why did I write that? Therapy. I can't keep my feelings inside. I don't even know why I brought Sam up. Maybe cause I'm STILL not over my sudden departure from my old life. I know I'm not holding on to any feeling for Sam, as I said, I couldn't even look at him without contempt, but maybe I am longing for the luxuries and privileges that my old life had.

That's not to say that I won't get them all back. But it's difficult to be where I am knowing it's my choice to be here (to an extent) and it's something I have to tackle, deal with, control, learn from and move on. I'm an american though ~ and be cause of that I feel obligated to not have to do all the hard work of struggling. I want instant gratification with little to no work. Yes I know ~ nothing worth having is ever easy.
----------
Back to the coworkers. A majority of them are, or at least seem to be very pleasant people. The rest, they're all negative. I told my mom when I started that I wouldn't tell them anything they didn't need to know. My work philosophy is not to get involved with any of them outside of work. At work, it's also come to some peoples attention that, their words, not mine: "She's a smart one!" I'm constantly getting compliments that any questions I DO happen to ask are intelligent, they say I follow thru with stuff, I go above and beyond, I'm well spoken... etc etc blah blah blah

Whatever. It's all fake. The only reason I'm doing all those things is because I need to pass time to get my ass outta this crap town. Again. Smile, it fools everyone. Thanks Stefanie.

The first week I started, I was given a marketing project and given 4 days to complete. The artwork was pretty much all provided. I had to come up with a few slogans and catch phrases, but most of the wording was also provided. All I really had to do was play with the fonts, make it look catchy, and adjust the layouts. As I've said, any monkey coulda done it. Well any monkey with a background in page layout. . . I finished my project, slightly ahead of schedule and now all my flyers fill the garbage cans all around town. Go Me!

So that's when the praises started flying, because not only did I do the marketing girls job, but I was doing MY job too AND I'm the NEW girl. Today right before I left work, I was handed yet another marketing project: Web Content for an existing web site. Now, after I was given this project, from the CEO himself, did the marketing girl come up to me and SLAM what she had done on my desk. As she walked away, she snipped "I'm sure you will figure it out."

Wow. I didn't purposely step on her toes. But the CEO pissed in her cornflakes yet I feel I'm gonna get the flack and abuse for this. Just what I need. The marketing girl I actually liked, but what's a girl to do? I mean, it's not my fault she can't stay on top of her projects and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to purposely jeopardize my work on this just so she can get back in his good graces. If anything maybe she will get so catty that when when it is time for me to hit the road, I can use her behaviour as my excuse.

I dunno, but I'm tired of writing.

Wildlife @ work

2007-02-22T18:54:00.000-06:00

Originally uploaded from flickr.

So here I am at work today and just as I was about to go to lunch I see this crazy wild bird just outside the dark tinted glass door. I grabbed my camera and shot about 15 shots of this roadrunner before I decided that he wasn't gonna go anywhere unless I opened the door.

So slowly, I open the door and the roadrunner cocks his head at me, takes a few steps back and pecks at the ground ~ like I was a threat. Can you believe that little bugger? Even the animals here are cocky. As I stepped towards him (cause he was in front of my car) he scurried off.

So I got in my car and headed off to enjoy my lunch with my parents. When I got back to work I mentioned the road runner. The ladies there said it wasn't unusual to see goats, sheep and even horses. Funny it reminds me of that time I saw a rooster just hanging out in front of my moms fence.

I GOT TO COOK TODAY!!!!!

2007-02-22T00:03:00.000-06:00

After a month of not being able to cook, I finally got a chance today to ~ as they say ~ get back in the kitchen. My mom had to go to the market and restock the fridge, so I asked if I could go with her when she went shopping. She waited until I got home then off we headed to H.E.B.

I walked up and down the isles picking up some of my favorite fruits and when she asked which veggies I thought were best, I gave her my opinion.

We got to the meat section and I sniffed but smelled no oceany fishie goodness, though I did see a counter where there were still people that were working. As I got closer, I saw they DID have fish ~my heart started racing, I wondered if it was going to be the boring fresh water stuff, or was I going to get lucky and find some treasure. As I stepped closer I saw several options when it came to salmon, but I just wasn't really in a salmon mood. I saw all kinds of shrimp, but I didn't want to mess with picking out a wine for scampi, then I saw it: not only Tuna, but ALBACORE TUNA!!!!

That was it!!! My mind was made up, I was gonna modify my recipe for seared tuna and make seared albacore. (like that was a real stretch). I couldn't quite remember what was in the ingredients and I knew Mannie was still sleeping, so I called the next best person: Adam.

He picked up the phone, I asked if he could get to my blog from work. He could. I asked if he could find my tuna recipe and tell me what I needed to get at the store. He did. We said our love you's and miss you's and went back to our days.

I found my mom again, we filled up the rest of the cart and went to pay. Total cost for my meal; less than $15.00 and it took me less than 45 mins to prep, cook, and eat the whole thing. And it was SOO worth every penny.

But the topper is, I don't think my mom knows she ate raw tuna!!!! I won't tell her until tomorrow, that way she can't make up some hypochondriac illness. I mean, she loved it, and she kept going for the green sauce (which I forgot to add the sugar too, but it didn't need it, it was SOO good).

Since it was albacore tuna though, I'll need to sear it for less time next time. The meat was an insey bit dry and a wee bit salty. I blame the saltyness on the light pink color though, since the salt seemed to blend in with the pale pink color of the tuna and I just kept churning my salt grinder lol. I'll sear it for 1 1/4 mins though next time instead of my usual 2 minutes per side ~ maybe then it won't be so dry. It was still mouth watering good though. I've not eaten this good since Manny and I last ate together. I miss our meals.

Years ago, I bought my mom a calphon pan, she STILL has it, still uses it on occasion, and today I used it to make my tuna... As Adam said, gotta be like Gir, and 'MAKE ROOM FOR THE TUNA'.

I wish I could eat this good every day. I really miss having my own kitchen. I was too lazy to take pix, not to mention there just isn't room in this kitchen for it, but the old pix and blog are here.

Sweet little favors.

2007-02-21T15:10:00.000-06:00

So where I work, I've been doing these ongoing marketing projects and while doing these, I've had the pleasure of finding more apple users in town. I was talking to the reprographics guy and mentioned my little apple issue and how my power cable was on back order until early next month. . . Well imageing my surprise today, when he sent over a box of my designs and in that box was an apple power cable!!!

When I saw that, I was sooo happy! I went home for lunch today, grabed my laptop (and to my surprise it actually turned on with very little effort) It did take forever to charge up, because I had exhausted the battery since I was not able to properly shut it down on my last use. I'm just soo happy that I'll be able to finally use it again!!! I'm gonna have to get me a wireless router for my moms place really soon (since I'm such a geek, I'm gonna need it later anyway ~ might as well get it outta the way).

Wow, I can even go back to the coffee shops and hang out there again. I miss people watching tho really, what's there to watch here? That was something I couldn't really do when I was relying on Panera and Jupiter House for 'free' wi-fi since when I was there I was concentrating more on internet content and time rather than just my usual people watching.

Who cares, the good news? I can blog in BED!!!

Not only did the clouds I saw today have a silver lining but…

2007-02-19T23:36:00.000-06:00

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while, well at least weather wise. It got to a high of 83 and the wind/breeze was great. I can't remember the last time I went running, but it had to have been in December or at the latest January before this cold stretch of a month settled in. To top that off, running when you're sick can sometimes make you feel worse and I didn't want to take that risk. Anyway, before I left work today, I decided that today was going to be the day I head to the track and run around in circles again. I got home, took off my work clothes and changed into my running gear, then jumped back into the car and headed to the track.

When I got there, I was alone except for the occasional group of baseball players walking back to the gym to change. First thing I did was do a really quick warmup lap around the ¼ mile ~ easy enough. Next I ran about three solid laps before I realized I forgot all my 'essentials' such as my sweat bands, my mini towel, my bubble gum and of course first thing I noticed missing was my iPod. Though after today, this is the first time I think I've ever run sans iPod and minus a partner that I could actually *think* about stuff and just take it all in.

I ran and walked for about 30 minutes before I decided that pushing myself after a long hiatus might not be a good thing. (the worst feeling is the days after when you want to just SIT down and it hurts to do that ~ toilet anybody??) I did however decide to do 5 sets of 10 lunges, and boy my legs were BURNING afterwards!!! They were burning so much I could actually see red splotches on my them. I know that's gonna be some pains I'ma feel tomorrow. After all that pain wears off (and I continue to do my lunges) I'm gonna have me some bitchin' legs, which I can't wait to show off in my platforms and short shorts :)

I actually found a scale this past weekend and weighed myself and I liked the numbers I saw WITH my clothes on, shoes included. Now all I gotta do is start melting off all the excess, which will help once I get my running routine down. I can't wait.

Anyway, as I ran lap after lap then started my walking cool down, I looked over to the west. There in the distant I saw these clouds with not a silver lining but a GOLD one. It was so beautiful! It makes me wish I had my camera, so starting tomorrow I'm gonna start carrying it around with me again. By the time I got home, the lining was gone and the sun had already made its departure for the day.

I can't wait til tomorrow. I gotta see if there is a track near work, so I can go there first before coming home.

Intelligent conversation

2007-02-18T03:23:00.000-06:00

I miss it, I really do. I have my cousin who I can talk to, but getting him to have a conversation over the phone is damn near impossible. I don't blame him though, in all honesty I don't care to talk on the phone either ~ unless it's to friends or family that I don't have the remote possibility of seeing face to face. Even then, I get tired of holding the phone or worse my headset runs outta juice. I get even more annoyed when I get my cel phone bill and I've gone over or am close to running over my minutes. Lucky for me, most of my chatty friends are on the same network as me.

When it comes to IM's ~ I get a bit flustered here as well. Sometimes one party gets more into the conversation than the other, or one has other things going on such as one handed web browsing, working, cooking, family or what have you. The other thing; I type, think, and talk so fast that sometimes when it comes to IM's if you try to actually read my train of thought none of it makes sense even though it did when my hamster wheels were churning out the ideas.

Then there is txting. To be honest, I really really really, I mean really HATE txting. It's been around since 2000 with BREW and SMS (if not before then ~I just remember working with my beta BREW capable cel phone and thinking I was hot shit with my POS plastic celly that couldn't make calls for beans, but I could send txt messages all over San Diego!!). Before then actually because of IM's, us Gen-X geeks just wanted a way to be more treky and have SMS on our cel phones. Actually it's just one more way to be unreachable, if you want honesty.

Which brings me to this. It seems here in this metro area, people have to resort to using txt messaging because they're not allowed to use their cel phones at work, much less their work phone to oh I dunno, say call somebody and ask them to do some simple task. Instead, you have to fumble around with this tiny keypad that sometimes auto says what it thinks you might be trying to say. The other thing is it sometimes takes longer to type out what you WANT to say than it does to actually call the person and get your point across. Why go thru all that trouble?

Another thing, I've upped my plan to the 'unlimited' plan. Yea, unlimited my ass. It's unlimited to everyone on my network, NOT to people outside of my network. I only get 500 messages when it comes to them!! WTF is this? All my network friends usually pick up the phone and call me, or better yet IM me. All my new friends and friends on other networks have txt messages flying to my phone all day long. Which brings me to the point of the 500 'unlimited' txt's. That includes sending AND receiving!!! Which means I really only have 250 'unlimited' txt's, especially if I want to reply to somebody. It makes my head spin. To top that off, once I go over my limit then it's ten cents per txt. I'm sorry, but I don't care enough to add up paying for silly txts that say "Yea!" Seriously, pick up the phone and call me, or better yet don't be surprised when I call you.

Back to the intelligent conversation part. Here I am stuck in hicksville hell, I really hate it here and staying positive is getting harder and harder as days go by. I've given up on trying to go out and have a social life here because there isn't much to chose from. I've been told for as long as I can remember that I'm unapproachable, though the Boomhauer's of the social scene just keep persisting on trying. I have yet to find a Boomhauer that can actually form a coherent sentence much less keep my interest before he unwillingly shows me his flaws and I write him off.

As for the women, the ones I would be interested in hanging out with, I work with and I have a pretty strict rule when it comes to hanging with the coworkers, don't date them, don't hang with them, don't trust them. They're coworkers and they'll stab you in the back!! The only exceptions to this rule were Ally and Rachel and only cause they were in different states :). But anyway, I can't find a chick to hang with that isn't interested in shopping, their children, themselves, or that I can talk to about stuff I can relate to. Why is this so hard?

I'm far away from all my chicky cousins ~ and I'd rather go shopping and talk about chicky things with them anyway. The only problem is they're all four plus hours away. My mom is more interested in sleeping most of the time and I can't talk to her about world issues or current events. It's all very frustrating.

Don't even get me started on my dad. His negativity is really starting to rub off on me again and I spent years trying to get rid of it. I think I finally actually DID get rid of all that negative baggage when I came back home to the negative nest. Here I am in a rut again catching myself with these negative thoughts and cursing my dad because he does it without even thinking that he does it. The only difference is I know I'm doing it, yet I still do it. I swear the man NEVER EVER says a nice thing about ANYTHING. I catch myself leaving the room now when he does talk just because I don't want to hear his criticism anymore.

The only problem is, I don't have anywhere to go. I'm a fucking adult but I feel like a kid because I go hide in my room. It just proves that no matter how much you change, things still stay the same. I hide in my room because I don't know how to make him understand that his negativity just makes him look like a bitter, angry, complaining man. It makes him look like his mom, my grandma that I couldn't stand. She was also an angry, bitter, mean, alcoholic and cruel person. I guess the only positive thing I can say about my dad is at least he wasn't an alcoholic, at least he didn't cheat on my mom, at least he and my mom are still together after 36 or so years. That's more that I can say about a lot of people and their relationships. At least they can still sit together and have dinner, despite all his complaining, they can still laugh and speak in their own couple language together. Which also goes to further my isolation and wish I had somebody to have an intelligent conversation with.

I know this is only temporary, but right now every thing seems to have slowed to a crawl. The only option I have right now is to wait it out. The first chance I have to jump ship though, you can bet I'll be the first one out of the boat. As they say, nothing worth having is ever easy. But what did this have to do with having somebody to talk to?

Eating out.

2007-02-15T22:47:00.001-06:00

I swore off McDonalds at one point years ago, but yesterday being valentines day and my mom having to work, my dad wanted to go eat with her. How sweet huh? Too bad one of the few options with her time limits was McDonalds. I was very apprehensive of their limited menu choices, knowing that no matter what I ordered, NONE of it was gonna look like the pix on the menu, not to mention it would all be room temperature in a matter of minutes.

Mom said she wanted whatever burger had mayonnaise on it, which I ordered and of course supersized. The only reason I did that was because I only wanted the french fries ~ hey, I've been a good girl diet wise ~ why not splurge. Besides, my mom was gonna want some fries too.

Anyway, as I sat there stuffing my face with french fries, halfway thru my meal I feel that gross gut bomb feeling that I always feel after eating fast food. Sadly, I ignored it and kept eating.

Today, mom tells me she has to work late again today. So again my dad and I head to McDonalds, again I order my fries. Today after I ate my fries and ketchup, I feel disgusting. It's almost like that movie that came out years ago: Super Size Me where Morgan Spurlock barfed out his car window after eating at McDonalds, except I didn't. I felt like I wanted to though.

I really miss eating and cooking with Manuel.

I gotta also comment on that 'healthy' menu option they have. If you know what I'm talking about, it's the granny smith and red apples with the yogurt, grapes and walnuts. My dad opened up his fruit, ate it slowly. I sat there watching his apples. After about 20 minutes I said aloud 'Ok seriously, WHY is this fruit not turning brown?' My mom gave me a funny look, looked at the apples then she too wondered the same thing aloud.

Being a cook, you know that most of the time in order to stop any fruit from browning, you just pour a little citrus on it and that works fine. However it STILL turns brown. These apples never changed colors. Something is WRONG. I swear when I die, those apples are still gonna be sitting in my tummy.

Kinda reminds me of this one time last year, I decided to clean out my car and under my car seat I found a, can you guess, a McDonalds french fry. You will not believe me unless I had pix, but I don't this time sorry. Anyway, this fry, I kid you not, looked EXACTALLY as it did the day I ordered it. This was LONG after I swore off McDonalds, and Teresa and I stopped eating in my car at least five years prior to me finding this miracle french fry.

I was disgusted then too, I was disturbed that there was NO sign of mold WHATSOEVER on this fry. It didn't even attract lint to it, no in a car full of carpet, WHY did it not have lint on it? I'd hate to think what it does to your stomach and the acids that try and break food down. And just think, I had french fries two days in a row. No wonder it feels like I have a gut bomb.

These fries are like tanks. You wanna kill off a civilization, send in McDonalds french fries.

Ever have one of those days?

2007-02-14T19:59:00.000-06:00

I woke up today a bit more tired that usual, not from lack of sleep but it seems there is this incessant bug that I just can't seem to shake. Off and on for the month of January I've had this feeling of weakness or it seems I've been drained or just plain tired. On top of that I've had several fevers, a cough that I just can't shake and today my throat started to hurt again. I thought it went away by Sunday night, but today it returned again. Damn these viral infections. I'm thinking I need to go to the doctor again even though I'm not crippled sick; it's probably better to go in for preventive maintenance rather than let this catch up and knock me back down again, right?

It doesn't help that today is Valentines Day. I've received my share of sweet little text messages wishing me a happy day, and sent my share too. The CEO of the company I started working for ordered ½ dozen roses for all the ladies, so I have some pretty flowers on my desk. To top that off everyone is sharing sweets; you know the traditional chocolates, cakes, cookies etc. I don't usually indulge in these savory goodies myself, but if they are there I will consume them. So not long after eating the sugar overload ~ my body goes into toxic sugar shock and there I was at work, with a headache and feeling like all I wanted to do was crash.

Kinda reminds me of when I first moved to the city and lived with my aunt. Their families' diet is so much different that mine, full of beef and there is plenty of sweets to eat around the house. I kept wondering why I was so tired and then it hit me one day. I don't normally eat THAT much sugar, hence the always being tired and crashing.

Here’s to new starts.

2007-02-13T23:45:00.000-06:00

I've had severe writers' block recently. Not because I don't have anything to write about but because I think that there are certain people out there that need to move on with their lives but somehow, they seem to keep tracking me down. (despite all the *new* accounts I've made) I have no real proof of this but there are just some strange coincidences that keep happening and I can't think of anybody malicious or crazy enough to do them except one person. Am I full of myself? Maybe. I refuse to let them get to me though. I mean, people keep telling me not to take things personal and I've given the advice myself countless times to people I love to also not let things get to them. So I just need to go with the flow. I can't stop them from being crazy. I can't help that they can't let the past go, but I have. I did let it go, I have moved on and I have no plans on looking back, much less going back.

With that being said, I'm back at my parents house ~ temporarily. I called a staffing agency about two weeks ago, applied online, then went to meet them in their office face to face. It was a Friday and they said everything on my resume looked good. Yea I've heard that before. Monday the staffing manager called me and asked if I was able to interview the next day. Sure. I get all the necessary info, trek over to their office, do all the formalities when I'm asked to come in the next day for a second interview.

I'm thinking to myself, why can't I talk to her today? But whatever, I agree to it and that's that. The next day I dress up again and trek over to their office again and after this interview I'm asked if I can start immediately!! Woah!! Excuse me?

I had already made plans for that morning but sure I could start after I got my stuff taken care of. Basically, I've been there a week already and no surprise just like the last admin job I took they found out rather quickly that I'm over qualified for what I'm doing so they assign me a project and asked me to have it done today.

I finished my project before I left work today and had the final print in the appropriate hands. Too bad they were not in the office to see it. Isn't that always the case? Oh well, tomorrow morning or afternoon rather, I'll know for sure what they think of my work. One thing I know for sure they really have loved the drafts I've presented to them. All I keep hearing is how 'professional' it looks, which makes me grin ear to ear.

Maybe after I get the appropriate money cushion saved up, I can head back to the city and try my job hunt again. I mean after all I lowered my standards so it seems that I'm an inept invalid and any monkey can do the job of an entry level admin, but hey ~ if they're already that impressed with me here, I can get shining reviews for my next job, right?

I'm back online!

2007-02-06T15:35:00.001-06:00

Hurray for me! My mom is wonderful for everything she's done and I have the internet again so I'm back online and should be able to get my life to some form of normalcy, like look for a job and harass people online thru IM's :) I'm having issues updating her PC, and hardly have the PC skills anymore since I can't even figure out how to update some of her stuff. That happens when you turn to the dark side. lol

So much crap has happened since late December I don't know if I can fit it all in. The main thing is I met someone, thought I might have lost them, and didn't. Yay me. My best friends came to visit for my birthday which was great, we had a blast and got to know all of the richy uptown area of the city and stuff our faces with fabulous food and walk it all off going to shows and galleries. Woo. I miss culture. I miss my buddies even more.

Then I got sick and had to go to the ER then got banished cause I was too sick to really stay anywhere much less take care of myself, and couldn't stay where I was without getting Mannie sick too (which still happened), so I was banished to my moms house until I recover. Lets just say I was sick for about 20 days. Ick. Even with antibiotics, I was still hacking up my lung and blowing brain bits out my nose. Not good. After all my sickness badlyness my laptop died too. Crap, could my world get anymore crappy? Well it didn't really die, but the power cable decided to start smoking in the coffee shop, the laptop itself (I think) is fine.

So if you know anybody that wants to donate a power cord, send them my way.

Then it turns out I might *still* have a stalker. Yuck. I have no proof of this but some strange things seem to keep happening to me and it really makes me wonder if they will ever give up and leave me alone. I mean seriously, do you really have that much time on your hands? Sometimes its hard not to take things personal, but it's great when people I love turn around and use my own advice against me.

I thought it might have been my own family turning against me, but do any of them really care THAT much to be SO mean? In addition to that, that blog almost pretty much was excluded from the prying eyes of family members, just to see the reaction. But whatever. If you think I'm being cryptic, I am. I'm feeling too much stuff: Happy I got my internet back. Hope that I might actually find a job, despite the distance I am from where I want it. Anger because I feel like somebody out there really wants to manipulate me. Frustration because things are not happening fast enough. I could go on, but on top of feelings, I'm also cold. And I just want to crawl into bed with my snuggle cat Cinders. She'll always love me, as long as I feed her :)

Why you all gotta be so mean?

2007-01-31T18:30:00.000-06:00

So I find out last night that members of my family, not my immediate family, but close family mind you, close enough that I try to consider them to be my *parents away from my parents*, are having discussions about me and they're not particularly nice in their verbiage. Now you know I already have made some stupid decisions and am now paying for those with the situation I am in, but for people to talk about me, people that are supposed to LOVE me, mind you, but people that talk about me behind my back, rather than get the details for themselves, or you know ~ call and ASK me PERSONALLY how my health is or how my job hunt is going, but they talk about me behind my back like a bunch of cackling hyenas, it sickens me...

And I'm already sick!!! I had to go to the emergency room (yea boo fucking hoo, poor fucking me) you know what, if you don't bother to ask me personally how I am doing then don't fucking start saying shit about me behind my back, or call my brother and tell him that you're having a party for me AND YOU KNOW I'M NOT THERE because *the family* decided it was in my best interest that I go home to my mothers to recover and get healthy. It's been OVER a week since I was in the ER, yea, another bill I'm gonna have to figure out a way to pay for when I FINALLY get a fucking job, and anyway I am still exhibiting symptoms, I'm still coughing up my fucking lungs, but do you care? NO! You care only about an argument that you overheard your baby sister talk about, that she told her older sister, my mom about, and I find out that somebody close to me was upset about me, ugh. You people have no lives, or the lives you have are too boring and you think my misfortune is amusing. Yes, I've taken the pills prescribed to me by the DR. Yes, I'm taking tons of over the counter remedies and I'm drinking my share of tea. But do you bother to call and ask me PERSONALLY how I am doing? NO!!! You talk about me behind my back and think I am lazy or think I'm free loading.

You don't even KNOW what the past two months have been like for me, much less for my roommate and you all think you're so fucking great.

I talked to people that I consider myself close to both in the family and out, and all of them tell me not to take it personal, but you know what? I'm fucking sensitive and I WILL take it personal. If you don't bother to ask me how I am but you go sounding off blabbering and running your mouth about me when I can't defend myself or if you don't know the full story then STFU and leave me alone.

Yea I needed to vent. You wanna call me now and ask how I'm fucking doing? Oh yea, and screw TXTing, you wanna talk to me call and pick up the phone.

The differences between the sexes.

2007-01-22T23:50:00.000-06:00

Why is it that us chix have such a hard time NOT getting emotionally involved? I wrote this disgustingly wretched blog that I couldn't bring myself to post for one because it was just oozing with lovesickness and I can't believe I let myself sink to that depth so soon after a horrible emotionally devoid relationship, and two it was just embarrassing at how ga ga I sounded and how pathetic I saw the world thru rose colored glasses. I'm sure it was obvious to everyone but me, how much I wanted attention.

Yea, I'm not jaded. Not one bit.

What's funny is after talking with friends and family about how to handle a situation and taking in all their feedback and finally hearing exactly what I wanted to hear, I still can't make up my mind about what to do. What's even more sad, is when somebody will tell me a story, and I usually mumble and grumble under my breath the word 'priorities' and at this moment in time I can't seem to get mine straight, even though I know what they are.

My priorities shouldn't be about some stupid boy, and though he wasn't in my mind much over the past weekend when he would send his charming texts, emails and IM'd he managed to weasel his way back in, if only for a moment. Lucky for me, I had other things to keep me occupied. My priorities should be about me setting focus and getting on my feet, and getting back on them quickly. Boys be damned.

Why is it that as women, or in my case anyway, that even though I have set up the best laid plans, something shiny and new comes along and manages to derail it? What is it with my adult A.D.D.? Why is it that I can never stay on the path that I intended? Why was I never taught the "focus and achieve" lesson as a child, and why is it so hard to find the willpower to teach it to myself? Why is it so hard to force myself to stay on course as an adult? Why do I get bored of anything so quickly? I really HATE that about me. I know what I want, I know how to achieve it, I know what it takes to get it, but why when it comes down to it am I too shy and scared ~ scared of failing ~ scared of being rejected ~ scared of someone smarter ~ or even worse, some less than average person, comes in and steals away from me something I want, just because they can talk it up better than me?

I'm not even talking about boys anymore. But this rant started because of one.

What's even more annoying is that I *almost* ruined a perfect birthday weekend because I put that boy on a pedestal that he didn't deserve to be on, especially in such a short amount of time. Even more annoying is that I keep referring to him, even though I don't want to. *slaps self*!! What's wrong with me? Why is it that guys have it so much easier, and they can just choose *not* to think of someone and it's *that* easy?

Why must I complicate my life? Why can't I put my priorities in order, in a row, listed by importance and start the ritual of checking them off as they are complete?

And why is it that my phone can't keep a charge for more than 28 hours here but in San Diego it could keep a charge for over 74 hours before whining and complaining that it needs to be plugged in? Do you see what I mean?

Why is it that a week ago I was in a state of happy bliss, even this weekend I was in bliss ~ then Sunday came, and it hit me that I have to go back to my reality, and the depression that left me in October somehow found its way back in my head, despite the blue skies overhead. I sense impending doom in my future and as someone once said to me, I'm setting myself up for failure.

Today so many things have happened and NOT happened and I desperately want back that feeling I had a week ago, even hours ago. I ache for it, but if the cost of having that happiness is this horrible empty feeling afterward, then I'll pass.

Which is why I didn't want anything to do with boys to begin with. Where are my priorities? Somebody slap me.

And no, I'm not only upset cause of a dumb boy, there are other problems there too, but the boy seemed to have pushed me over the edge and magnified all the other issues.

happy birthday to me!

2007-01-21T01:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I got a few bday wishes here and there today, and so far I've been pampered and had one of the greatest birthdays ever!!! I have friends that came in from San Diego just to see me!! Hehe, yea have I ever said that I have the greatest friends ever? Well it's true.

Since Thursday, I've been able to see my city in a whole new light. I've been able to eat at these awesome places that I've never heard of but would definitely try again. I've been to museums, art galleries, shopping centers, pubs, movie houses, cafe's, bistros, you name it and of course I'm staying in one of the most awesome hotels I've ever set foot in.

I think I've found my new 'home' is all I can say. I was in this area early last year and I absolutely loved it, after spending the past weekend uptown all I can say is that I am simply amazed by the culture and surroundings that have been presented to me. I can't help but shift my focus to this little mecca of uptown paradise. I see myself living here within the next two years and I think that goal is very reasonable and attainable.

I've not had my ultimate favorite food : Sushi : since I've been here, mostly cause of budget restraints and I just don't want to be disappointed. Tonight, my friends and I drove the five blocks to this awesome sushi house, I would have suggested we walked but its raining and 30 degrees out. We sat in a table that appeared to have us sitting on the floor, ordered so much food from the menu and shared it all, had some warm sake, miso and lots of ginger.

The creme de la creme was going for dessert afterwards. I had mentioned I wanted a small cake (even thought I really don't like pastries) but earlier in my trip there was an ice cream shack that caught my eye and my friends being the ultimate friends that they are, remembered this, so off we all drove, in the pouring rain to this little ice cream stand. Turns out the ice cream can be served as an ice cream sandwich between two cookies of your choice. Oh yea. Let the drooling commence. I ordered a cranberry oatmeal and macadamia white chocolate with coffee ice cream. My friends ordered their choice. It was bliss!

Afterwards we all came back to the loft and had our version of intelligent conversation all over a bottle of pinot grigio. I couldn't have asked for a better end to an awesome day. Too bad it all ends tomorrow, and we all go back to our normal lives. It was fun while it lasted, and someday I hope to repay the favor.

Did I mention how much I love my friends? They're awesome!

Fuckin' Men {>.<}

2007-01-18T06:51:00.000-06:00

When used as an adjective or explicative, it's entertaining and even funny. I mean, girls loungin' around sippin' martini's on girls night out say it when they're frustrated with their situations and getting no where.

When it's used as an action verb, it can also be entertaining and fun, but I'm sure you don't need me to draw you a picture.

No. I didn't draw it. I googled it.

In my case, I'm on the verge of anger and sippin' martinis with my best gal pals is not possible at the moment, and well, I can't exactly talk to my gal cousins and aunts about my personal relationships on the same level I can to my best gal pals. So to my blogs I take it, where you can all see! Men included.

For some reason I'm not surprised at all about what has happened. I met this guy who seemed at first too good to be true, and turns out he is. My dilemma here, is cut him loose, or try and turn my feelings off and play his game too. After all, he's damn hot. I mean he has me weak in the knees hot.

I don't want to divulge too many details, but as I said ~ he just turned out too good to be true and when I did find out, I was enraged. If I had been holding something, it would have been shattered in my hands. If I found out via cel phone, it would have been thrown into a wall. If my feet were on a coffee table it would have been kicked. If I were not in a public place, I would have screamed in frustration. If I heard it from him directly, I would have slashed him verbally. You get the picture. I'm not the girl you want my anger focused on.

And damn my internet for being out or I would have found out sooner!!!! DAMN you CHARTER!!! DAMN YOU!!!

All I could do was sit there and stare blankly forward. If I acted hastily, I would come off as crazy, and you know nobody listens to the insane. So my hamster wheels started spinning. . .

I had been looking for signs, warning signals from this guy from day one, but he was smooth. He covered his tracks really well, which only means he's been playing this game a long time. In fact he's probably a career field player. Fuckin' Men. Yea I know they're not all like this one. I know plenty that are not. But this one, aside from the trick he pulled, he's the male version of me, we have so much in common it's scary, or is that part of his lure? And he almost had me, hook line and sinker.

So again, turn off my feelings and play with fire, or ditch him like the trash he is? Comments, please! I *need* them today.

comfort food goodness

2007-01-12T10:48:00.000-06:00

========================

*note* still without internet, I'm not even counting the days anymore. If things don't change soon, I will be finding the nearest Charter office and grabbing random peeps by the scruff of the neck and forcing them to dig up holes with their bare teeth. . . Angry much? Me? Never!!!

========================

So anyway, this story began back in early November. I was temporarily displaced, made some phone calls and was welcomed, no questions asked to my old buddy Adam's domain, cats and all.

The next day we go out to Ruby Tuesday (some place I had never been), I can't eat. I'm far too stressed and frustrated to even really want to touch food. I ask our waitress for her soup recommendation. She suggests "French Onion". I'll take it! I don't know what it is, but gimme! Adam says it's good comfort food. Great! I'm thinking, exactly what I need. Within minutes here she comes with a tiny bowl, and places it in front of me. Now here is where my journey begins.

This has to be one of the best soups I've ever had, forget me ever eating chicken noodle EVER again! Fast forward to me being internetless and hanging out and spending way too much time and depleting cash @ the local cafés just to check my emails, search for jobbies, and of course blog. Here I am at Panera, I see they also have french onion. I order some and bring home a cup to my cousin, who has also never had this amazing soup. He tries it, then orders more the next day!!

So of course, I check out food network and google ~ find about 6 recipes, and here is the bastard child that I came up with!

I couldn't find the onions that were recommended, so I used my personal favs plus what they have local here to Kroger. Also some recipes called for bacon, ewww. no. Excuse me. Proscuitio for me. The variety of recipes also called for ranges of cheese from Swiss, Fontina, Gruyere, Mozzarella or Parmesan. I rolled the dice (and cause Gruyere was the only one they would sell off the block hehe) and picked, you guessed it: Gruyere.

They also ranged in alcoholic flavors from 'burgandy' wines, ports, cognacs, sherrys or brandys. While tossing all of those in was tempting (and dangerous), my budget could only cover what was already in my cupboard: Merlot!

I also used all fresh herbs, I think next time I will stick with dried oregano since it did seem to overwhelm (or I just put in too much ~ but it was still duhlish and very sweet)

Blah blah blah. Here's the goodies and the pix:

Prosciutto
Red Onion
Texas Sweet Onion
Scallions
Shallot
Balsamic Vinegar
Merlot
Chicken Broth
Oregano
Italian Parsley
Sea Salt & Fresh Cracked Pepper
Sweet Wheat & Oat Baguette
Gruyere

Yes, I cried. I cried alot! I even had the windows open, and it didn't help. I STILL cried. I cried so much I even sliced off a bit of my thumbnail. Lucky for me, there's that part where you stick the soup in the blender so it chopped up nicely. :)

Just look at that yummy prosciutto!! I had the choice of the $8.XX per lb or the 'imported' $24.XX per lb stuff. I chose the imported just cause it looked so much saverory. When I got home, I stuck a little piece in my mouth... YUM!! It practically melted on my tongue. Too bad my roomie was sleeping. He didn't get to taste it >.> (more for me)

I chose the sweet wheat over the plain white bread baguette just cause it tastes so much better.

Alright so basically, Chop up (and cry all you want) the onions, Simmer the prosciutto first to get a bit of oils then add the onions, stir around for 10 mins.

Add the Balsamic Vinegar, Merlot and Oregano and stir every now and then until the onions start to caramelize, another 15 mins.

Add the Chicken Broth and sea salt and fresh pepper to taste, and let it simmer on low for about an hour. After it's all simmered out, if you have a hand blender ~ great! use it! For now, I made do with the awesome blender that Mannie got for xmas from his awesome mom. It's so awesome, it's able to mix hot items. Yay for soup!! (it also made a big mess that Zoey happily cleaned up, which is why I recommend one of those hand blender thingies ~ but that's probably a different mess hehe. I can't win can I?)

Once you're ready to plate up, get your broiler ready and make sure you have some oven safe bowls, add the bread and cheese (grate it finely if you use the gruyere, I made the mistake of just dropping it in a chunk form and expecting it to act like swiss ~ it didn't lol) and add the soup on top. Broil for about 5-7 minutes or until you see it doing wicked witch stuff.

Remove, let it (the bowl) cool, or if you're a dork like me, eat it with oven mitts and a wooden block :)

Don't forget to add the parsley!

old memories

2007-01-09T19:22:00.000-06:00

So I'm in the cafe again, chatting with friends, filling out aps (and damn me I forgot my cel at home). A friend of mine shows me some pictures of his 'backyard' which triggers this memory of this toon 'Mysterious Cities of Gold' Do any of you remember it?What hit me was I was thinking the lyrics to this song would be cheesy if I heard them again, but turns out I rememberd being at "grandma day care" and being happy in the summer with all my cousins. Funny how a song will do that? Check it out:Cities of GoldWonder if this is out on DVD?

new jewels

2007-01-09T12:53:00.000-06:00

*note* I am still internet-less, but this is my first chance at getting back to the cafe. Enjoy reading.

My Saturday was quite eventful but the coolest part of it was when I was heading to my aunts down south. I called up my cousin to find we were all meeting to figure out the nights plans at her place. Once I get there Mannie say's that he's ready to get his tongue pierced after months and years of waiting.

I wanted to make sure he was actually ready, since I thought it would be best to do this when he would have more of a recovery period (*cough* Friday morning *cough*) than just two days before heading back to his profession. He assured us all he was ready and that it was something he's been wanting to do. After all ~ its not like a tattoo or any other piercing that will leave scars. hee hee

So the wonder-quadro all pile in the car and head north to this little tattoo shop right off the freeway. I forgot my camera at home, but Jessica loaned me hers. Woo Hoo! You know I had to capture this!

Take a look:

They had such a variety of body jewelry. Maybe one day I'll get my belly done (again). This time ~hopefully~ they will do it right. I'd also like to change out the hoops I have in my ears. Small steps, I tell myself. It will all come to me in time.

So you know they won't do any sort of work on you if you seem in anyway intoxicated? They also card you!! Ha ha! Check out that smile!

Too bad I couldn't fit in the whole first picture. The artist had the total snapping glove thing down. He also told us this funny story about his allergic reaction to latex gloves. Then there is the final rinse and spit before sitting in the "Chair".

Scissor clamps of DOOM!! Needle of TORTURE!! Stud of PAIN!!! Don't forget the lube and the gloves! Gotta love the look on his face. Notice how pale he is here?

Depending on how you look at it, this was a very fast three minutes. Don't know how long it felt to Mannie though, but in the end he looks happy with his new toy!

So yea, this was close to the end of one of many great days in my new year. After this we all went to go see "Children of Men" ~ I recommend you go see it. I went in with low expectations and hearing the name Clive Owen ~ I had no clue who he was until he made his appearance. Then I remembered him from the movie "Closer" and I thought to myself "This is gonna be an awesome movie!" Halfway thru the flick I had to stop for a moment and just think: WOW! By the end I was speechless. I'm still going over it today. . . So yea, check it out if you can!

I miss dial-up

2007-01-07T15:34:00.000-06:00

Yea you heard me right. I miss dialup. Not only dialup, but I miss internet. Nobody in my neighborhood is cool enough to have wireless so I can leech off them either. hrmph! I think even if they did it wouldn't matter. After hours of haggling with Charter Communications up in my area ~ they finally gave up the source of their 'technical glitches'. Turns out there is a problem with the 'Aerial Drop' in our building. I have no clue what that means but it involves dirt, big trucks, manly non-computer handed men and a shovel to hide the dead bodies.

After sending out a cable tech to the coven of darkness last Wednesday and failing to connect A to B the cable tech sent over a line tech who also failed to make a connection. This line tech gave us his direct cel number and claimed it was a problem with 'the system' and assured me someone would be over within a reasonable time frame to fix my precious internet.

The reasonable time frame turned out to be Friday evening. Friday evening came and went with no word from any tech whatsoever. About this time late Friday I was enjoying my favorite past time ~ cooking ~ I decide in a fit of anger to call up the cable company (because I can't look up my precious recipes on my precious internet). The first operator I spoke to ~ after 45 minutes AND giving her my cel number 'accidentally' hung up on me then proceeded in failing to call me back.

Wrong move bitch!!!! I finished my cooking ate my wonderful dinner, finished the rest of my salted lime corona, picked up the cel and called them again. I got a hold of a high speed internet cable tech this time! Not only did he fail to tell me what the actual problem was with the failure to have internet in my home, he acted like he didn't even care that I was upset (big surprise right?). I pointed out his apathetic concerns and asked to speak to his supervisor.

Next thing you know I'm talking to his boss. Mind you, it is now five minutes after 9pm. A whole hour after the 4pm-8pm 'window' that Charter Communications had given us for their techs to be at our location (and failed to notify us they would be there after PROMISING that I was at the top of their list of people for that 'window'.

I'll just say this, the supervisor not only made up for the lack of service that I had received all week, he credited me for an entire month of service on BOTH internet AND cable. He also explained the problem was underground and that he would be speaking to the DFW office starting Monday in regards to moving around some dirt and playing with exposed wires. (That was some storm last Friday night, right?)

But until then for the next 7-10 biz days, I am still without internet. I don't even have dialup. No DSL. Not even mobile web. When the superboss was crediting my account I was so tempted to ask for free HBO. So until sometime in the very distant future, I have to depend on the gool ol' internet cafe's.

Hurray for people watching!

Lynda can't come to the www right now, please leave a message...

2007-01-01T10:05:00.000-06:00

So with the recent storms in the DFW area this past Friday, I am internetless in my neighborhood until Wednesday when the cable dude gets here. I'll have to make due with searching out free wi-fi hot-spots so until then, I'm gonna be searching for new creative ways to pass my time.

Wish me luck.

dumb drunk bragging bitches

2007-01-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

New year's Eve has been planned out for me for over a month and a half now, probably before my moving plans were ever finalized. My cousins Jessica and Mannie had bought tickets to see a local band called Neverset. I had never bothered to check out their myspace until these past few days and prior to tonight both of them have been playing their CD's, MP3's and pointing out their songs whenever they loaded up on the xBox or played on the radio.

Both of them also were ecstatic about just how great this band was live. For me, the best live band performance up to tonight has been Dave Matthews Band, but now they're in second place (sorry guys). In my youth (lol like I'm *that* old) I've seen quite a few awesome live shows in very small venues (BT, Paul Oakenfold, STP, Smashing Pumpkins ~ just to name a few) but the energy these guys had has just about blown everybody else out of the water.

I believe the show started at 8pm, but we didn't get there until around 10pm and Overscene was in the middle of their performance. From the one song I heard, they sounded ok but this is what really got me (Jessica loves them). When we all walked in the lead singer said that he had injured his knee and asked for a chiropractor with no sympathy from the crowd. At the end of his last song, he was standing on one leg with the other bent over one of the speaker things, then he proceeded to fall over flat on his back ~ where he then finished the song ~ on his back. I guess he was ok though, cause no ambulance was called. After these guys finish we made our way up a little closer to the stage.

This cute little girl comes up and was totally excited about the next band: Bless the Broken and had driven six hours from Lubbock to see them. I introduced myself because she seemed to be the type to really rock out, she introduced herself as Myra* then my cousins and Shawn introduced themselves to her. I said to her "Nice to meet you, we might get up close and personal really soon". Then we all had a good laugh. About this time my friend Shawn..2 calls and announces over the loud soundchecks that he's making his way from his current event over to ours. I tell him as best I could where we are (since I have no clue where we are) and that we'll be seeing him shortly.

I gotta check out more of these guys, plus my group was impressed with them as well. Not only that but they thought their sister might have heard of them too.

After these guys finish the cute little girl announces she's leaving for the night and is replaced by a horrible drunk role model for all mothers. She's there with her two friends, a couple who seem to think that she's reached her cutoff limit; she's talking WAY too loud and proceeds to tell anybody in her earshot vicinity the story of her cute top. Apparently she bought it for her 13 year old daughter Missy* but though she looked better in it. So as she was tucking in Missy* for the evening she robbed her child's closet for the latest fashions in ho-tops for pre-teens.

I'm sure Missy* won't be bothered by the alcohol stains and cigarette smells. I never got the mothers name but she also tells those of us that can hear her about one of her recent drunken escapades after a wild night of clubbing and her "Nichole Richie" incident while driving north on the 75 at 4am with no headlights all while speeding in excess of 80mph. I think my jaw dropped to the floor and I know Jessica heard her too. I recovered and said as loud as I could: "You sure are a role model for your child!"

At this point her friends don't hear me, but drunken stumbling mom starts staggering and rubbing against me with her purse. She tells us a little more of her wild fiascos then finally realizes that she's hitting me because I start talking as loud as her to all my friends just how stupid I think this horrible excuse for a mother/woman is when she says to me "Oh I am so sorry, I didn't realize I've been hitting you with my purse all this time. (insert dumb blond chuckle here)" I give her this blank look because her stupidness just floors me and now I have a face to look at along with her voice. Then I recover just as she turns away: "At least it's not with your car!!"

Her friends just look at me in horror. They had that deer in the headlights look about them, they then disappeared rather quickly, but replaced her with a Barbie clone. I won't go into as extravagant detail about Barbie* only cause she used the crowd as her excuse to keep feeling up my backside with her stiff silicone goodies. Once I got tired of her feeling me up I gave her an elbow to the boobies and she left me alone.

As for Neverset, they were just awesome! My friend Shawn..2 shows up just as they start singing and I had to go grab him by the hand and drag him thru the small crowd just so he could join us. He had never heard of them, but every time I looked back at him he looked up on stage in awe. Also he kept giving me positive answers when I asked him if he was having fun.

Sometime in the beginning of their song set a lone drumstick was thrown into the crowd. I looked in the direction of where it came from and saw some guys quickly close the curtains from backstage. When I looked on the ground at my feet, guess what I saw!!! A real drumstick!!!! I picked it up, pushed it in Jessica's direction then she handed it to Mannie. Next thing I know there are about six girls with lighters and cel phones all looking on the floor for the stick. Mannie flashes it at them then quickly conceals it. They made the 'give it to me' gesture but he wasn't' giving it up.

After the show, I bought a CD, the drummer was standing there, offered to sign it. (I didn't even see him)Then somebody nearby pointed out who he was and suggested that I get him to sign my 'stick' as well. When I asked him to make it out to me, he asked if my name was with an I or Y. AHHH, not many people ever ask me that. So I said Y and now I own a signed stick. hehe

I also saw the lead singer and his girlfriend, who was also standing next to us in the crowd (but she wasn't annoying AND my cousin and I even complimented her shoes earlier that night) (but when she told us she wore high heels while walking around her apartment, just to get good at walking....heh). Anyway lead singer Shawn was saying his goodbyes to his mom (who was also standing next to us in the crowd) I asked his GF if she would take a pic of me and lead singer Shawn..3, she did, then said it wasn't good enough. So she offered to take a second. Both the drummer and the lead singer were so nice, PLUS the show rocked ~ aside from the dumb drunk bitches, it was a great new years! And of course, as they said ~ the best part of 2006 is that it's OVER!!!! WOO!!

Go check them out if you ever get the chance. If you see drunk mom, have her arrested and if you see Barbie, punch her in the boob for me :)

One day I'll upload the signed stuff. . . Maybe. Don't hold your breath. ..

[found it] [seafood] [,] [leftovers] [where] [?]

2006-12-30T22:48:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling a little geeky, a little crazy, a little excited, and very satisfied. As I was in the car driving home Thursday evening after a very long and tiring week, I reminded my cousin, since we were kinda on the way anyway, about that place Central Market. Every opportunity we had prior to this it was always too early or too late to shop there and today seemed to be nice timing.

Now, my aunt had taken me to this bourgeois grocery store about 4 years ago, and we had gone to the Dallas one earlier in the spring. While I was impressed with it each time we visited ~ somehow I totally forgot about their selection of seafood. Though I DID remember that their markets were alot like the San Diego grocery stores! Since I've been here I'm sure you've read about just how much I miss my seafood!!

My cousin and I rushed thru the isles (all I wanted was fish and only had $20.00 in cash, plus I was freaken' tired), As I walked inside I remembered that we went to one of these when he lived in College Station but it was a combo HEB and Central Market so it was a little more of a traditional market with isles and less like an IKEA.

I rushed past all the fresh fruits, stopping to inhale the scents of some of the more exotic fruits that are not found in the typical white bread Kroger's in our neighborhood. I stopped at the vegetables debating on if I should purchase baby artichokes (but left the baby's at the store) I started to smell that familiar scent ~ seafood!!!! Right before the fishie isles there was a small table full of Le Cruset cookware. More temptations!!!!! I picked up a small pan and heard the words 'Walk Away!!' I put it down and continued to walk forward. . .

Right in front of me had to have been around 100 feet of every type of ocean fish imaginable!!!!! Gulf coast shrimp, Red Snapper, Swordfish, Halibut, Albacore, Tuna, Flounder, Salmon. . . I had to stop the saliva from escaping (ok you didn't need that visual, but I'm not kidding, it really happened). I would name off more fish, but the nice fish butcher came up and asked if I needed any help.

I asked if he knew the lucky numbers to the lottery, which got no response. I quickly had to make up my mind about which cuts of fish to chose from. Now, since I am not to familiar with this market AND I was on a budget I couldn't just go all out and order everything l saw, so ~ I chose a fish that I knew I had a simple recipe for ~ Plane Jane Tuna. When I looked at the price per pound my heart skipped a beat. It was a bit more pricey than the skimpy selection at the Krogers, but it looked so mouth watering juicy and tasty that I justified to myself it was worth the cost.

I ordered a 6oz filet for myself and an 8oz filet for my cousin. The fish butcher asked if there was anything else I wanted, and I had to tell him that sadly that would be all for today. What he did next totally floored me!!! He weighed each of my filets, said one was a little under and one was a little over the weight I wanted and asked if that was ok. "Of course", I said. After that he wrapped them up, then proceeded to pack them in ICE!!!!

They don't even offer that service at Henry's in San Diego!!! In fact, I've only seen this done on TV!!!!! I walked away from the counter feeling so freaking special! I was giggling to my cousin about just how amazed I was with everything I saw and then went on to plan out what we were going to buy on the next trip. He reminded me that I need income, yea well ~ I can still dream about good food :)

I walked up to the cashier, she tallied up the fish ~ named out the price (which was incorrectly low). I exclaimed "THAT'S IT?!?!" My cousin kicked me but the cashier didn't even notice. I paid and we walked out of the store giggling even more! Was that wrong? Yes. Do I care? Not really. Do I feel guilty? No.

Sadly, I was not able to cook my meal that night. I didn't know all of the ingredients off hand so I ate home made chicken fried rice instead. Then, because of the tornados and floods on Friday ~ I settled for a chicken basket at Sonic. Now today, I was able to go out and finally do some real grocery shopping. I got the rest of the ingredients for my tuna steaks and wala:

celantro, jalapeno, ginger, garlic, soy sauce, olive &
sesame oil, fresh lime juice, lime zest & sugar

I used my *new* food processor that my aunt gave to me for christmas. This thing ROX, it's the three cup capacity model from Cuisinart and it's perfect!!! I went to taste a sample, shared some with my cousin and um, we had a hard time not eating it all before the steaks were done! LOL

sea salt, fresh ground pepper, olive oil & tuna

Because of the two days of not being able to do any real grocery shopping, I stuck the steaks in the freezer. They almost didn't thaw out in time but thanks to ziplock bags and cold water ~ they thawed just in time to take their sea salt and fresh pepper bath. I couldn't resist and cut out a small chunk and ate a bite before cooking. OMG, it melted in my mouth!!!! In the future I'll be trying to make my own sashimi. . . The only thing I'm missing is a *really, really, really* nice knife.

more like, there's nothing left!

Seriously, my camera is lacking the color justification that was on the plate. The avocado, the soy vinaigrette, the seared tuna (salad with sesame garlic dressing not pictured), the wine, everything. OMG it was all so good, and yea ~ there were no leftovers.

It was all so filling there was no room for dessert (good thing I didn't make any ..). And yea, it was the best *ahem* underpriced tuna I've ever had!

the movies and voices in my head won't stop

2006-12-29T03:14:00.000-06:00

It's been a long week since last Thursday night. I don't think I've had a good nights rest since I heard the news of grandpa. We spent all of last Friday morning in the ICU and the remainder of the day doing typical errands as well as just hanging around the house playing video games and 'wondering what to do'.

Saturday was the day grandpa passed away. We left the hospital after hearing over and over his doctors assuring us they did all they could. To me, the best they could have done (which is what they did) was give us the last moments that we had with him. Those of us that were at his side with him were able to say our goodbyes and know (and share and reassure) that he left us peacefully and quickly. As this was his way; Mannie said it best, he always left us in the mornings quickly and quietly but was always back later to be with us for breakfast. Grandpa really loved his traditions. And one day all of us will be with him again for breakfast.

Saturday evening, my grandmas house was full of uncles aunts cousin's and great grandkids. We had KFC and Wendy's burgers but none of us really touched our food. We sat around going thru small treasure boxes, looking at photos on her walls and going over grandpas last wishes. Grandma said that he had been ready and they both had already taken the time and found were they wanted their final resting place.

I felt so special to be with her at that moment and I will cherish seeing two of her daughters and one of her sons taking turns sitting by her side as she spoke. As I sat looking at long forgotten memories of my grandpa, I remembered all the lessons and values they both taught me. I remembered my parents sending me to stay with the grandparents in that same house with what would seem like whole summers but were probably only long weekends. We all shared our memories of him with each other and filled the house with laughter and tears of joy.

Finally grandma said she was tired and wanted to rest, so slowly we all hugged and said our goodbyes. My uncle is taking this really hard but grandpa pulled him aside long ago and told him everything he wanted and showed him where all the important things were. Every time I saw that he was alone (which was rare) I went to hug him. It's been a while, if ever that I've ever been that close to him. Hopefully one day when he is ready, the two of us can spend some quiet time at the range.

My surrogate family and I piled into the twin cab truck and surprisingly we drove home in a very rare silence. Before we all piled in, we were all laughing and joking about who was gonna sit where. On the way home, the song "Rooftops" played on the radio. I think I heard my cousin Stef started crying at the same time as me. Wednesday at his viewing, there were over 1000 digital images of his life on display. Yesterday while driving to grandpas service the SAME song started playing and while I sat there listening to it, I saw those same digital images in tune to the music.

I can't help but think about him now when I hear the melody and the words to me seem to fit his life as I remember him. I also can't help but cry, but they are tears of joy. Mannie went out last night and bought the CD, I was joking around and said to him that that CD needs a special place in his CD book. With Gonzalez letters in glitter, golf, bowling, fish and camera stickers. So if you ever see that, you know the story behind it.

His children also had a very special song that was played at his eulogy; A country tune called 'Daddy's Hands'. I remembered years ago as the aunts and my uncle sat around one christmas and played the song for him on a new stereo they bought him. I think this might have been when they were trying to start his collection of CD's. I honestly can't recall why the song was played, but I know I've heard it before and it was with family. I know back then that the song fit grandpa to a T because of the stories that my aunts and uncles would tell us all about him. As we all sat listening to this song you could hear and feel the raw emotion from those around you.

I'm taking this alot harder than I thought I would. During his services I was surprised that his immediate family took up the first 10 rows. I couldn't bring myself to look behind me but I could feel the room was full. Can you just imagine how large of a family him and my grandma made? By most standards, our family is pretty small (especially when I compare it to my dad's side). In his service, the words from my blog were read aloud, As it was read there was lots of laughter mixed with small amounts of tears and that meant more to me than anyone will ever understand. In the future when I am asked what my greatest accomplishment was, that is going to be it. I got my point across, I made them smile at my memories of him. I understood and got him. I did something right.

When asked by the pastor, my mother had the courage to stand up and speak about him. I looked on from my seat in the second row and saw how anxious she was and watched as she almost jumped out of her seat. She was so excited to get her words out and you could see her determination. Lucky for me I was sitting at the isle so I was ready to rush to her aide if she needed my comfort. As I sat there listening to her beautiful words dedicated to her father of how proud she was of him; I was beyond proud of her because she had the courage and strength to go thru her whole speech with very little emotion. I saw grandpa in her, and I see those traits in myself as well.

My mother and her sisters had mentioned at our family dinner just hours before attending his wake was how my grandpas eyes always seemed to sparkle! No matter how tired he was, he was always happy and excited to be around his family. While my family attended his wake, a couple came in, signed his guest book and paid their respects. As they were leaving they introduced themselves as friends from his church. The most important thing they said to us and what made them stand out to me was they also brought up how much his eyes twinkled, and how excited he always seemed to be when attending his church services. Its nice to know he was the same way with others as he was he was with us.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, for some it comes out as anger to those closest to them. I know this is a trait I possess; in my past someone wanted to know why I only seemed to lash out at them. I saw this trait in many members in our family and was victim to it over the course of the week. I see and I know and understand that it is a show of love. In myself I want to work on a more productive way of expressing my anger as I see now how painful it is to be on the receiving end.

I overheard my brother apologizing for his shoes and his discomfort in wearing them. He's come to terms with the choices he's made in his life and he is living it as best he can. You can see in his eyes how tired he is, and you can see in his body and posture just how hard he works. I hear in his speech just how much he has changed over the course of the years. Just hearing him apologize also showed a great sign of maturity.

I was surprised at the response I heard said to him as it's shown that some people really think about their replies. "We're all just glad you're here." I'm glad that was said, and not the typical 'speaking down to a child' response that I've heard and also been a victim of this past week. The first thing I said to my brother when I saw him that morning as I hugged him was that I was so glad he was here, and if he was alright. I don't even think I noticed what he was wearing, as I was just comforted by his presence. I even thanked his wife for coming with him because I know it's hard to bring a small child on such a long trip.

What? Is that anger you just read? Yes. But I'm dealing with it and not going to let it get to me. A very difficult lesson that I'm finally starting to accept is that family is most important. Over the past three years I'm starting to see and realize just how 'good' I have it and how much I really have to be thankful for, and just how expansive my safety net is. I'm glad I am home, and I am starting to question less and accept more, on 'why' others are glad I am here as well.

As we drove to his interment, I saw the dark storm clouds looming all around us. It seemed the sun was shining only on our little section of town. The forecast mentioned thunder and rain storms. I was so glad for only having to deal with high winds. There were two rows of seats, a much smaller section than was available at his services earlier. My mother wanted me near her, just in case. She didn't want to sit and I didn't either, but she said what I was thinking "Grandpa wouldn't want us sitting, he deserves for all of us to stand." As she sat down in her place of honor, I stood next to her hugging her as best I could.

I keep thinking back about everything I learned from grandpa. Some things I can't believe I failed to mention earlier. He absolutely loved to take pictures!!!! One of the photos I saw in his digital collage was one of him with his old fashioned VHS camcorder. Just last holiday 2005 he STILL had that camera with him. In another recent photo he got a gift of an 8pack of VHS tapes. Over the years he was given newer and smaller camcorders, but he never opened them, much less used them. He preferred his BIG one. He would walk around telling stories to his camera while filming us all. I can't wait to see these tapes again just to hear his voice.

My cousin James and I talked about him in detail on Tuesday night. We talked about our road trip along the eastern Mexico coast when I was 13 and he was 10. The grandparents took me him and our cousins Jennifer and Eric on what seemed like their second honey moon. They both introduced us to 'real' mexican culture which is different than the Tex-Mex that we were so accustomed to. This was also the first time I had food other than pizza and burgers. I remembered ordering dishes and both of them telling us stories about how they had eaten it in their younger days. The first time I ever had black beans and yellow rice was on that trip to Mexico. I looked at my plate in disgust and declared I would not be eating that and asked for my regular brown beans and red rice.

Jennifer, who was probably only 5 or 6 at the time, looked at her plate, didn't even wince, took a bite and announced in her cutest voice possible that it was the best rice and beans EVER!!! Grandpa strongly suggested that I try it, (because if I didn't eat it, I would not be eating anything else for a while) so I did, and she was right! They were the best ever. I think that was where I began my culinary experiences and my taste for good food developed. It wasn't until I moved to San Diego five years later that I would find black beans and yellow rice again. Those lessons from my grandparents really helped me adjust and try all the new asian foods there as well.

There are so many other things I remember, such as walking down the hallway while visiting my grandparents house in San Angelo and taking my grandpa some peanuts in the shell or when my grandma finally got tired of the mess, cashews in the can. I also remember the jars of salsa in the used planters glass jars. I remember mailing those salsas that my grandma made and said that grandpa tested their hotness to my then husband all the way across the world when he was on his west-paks.

Along with what I've written here are all the unspoken/unwritten things. Yesterday it hit me just how much I already miss him. I was also reminded by so many that he is still here. Looking thru his photo albums, I see his face in my two uncles, as well as my cousin Eric. His sons share his love of sports and the outdoors. My mother and I have his way with words, My aunt Chris has his compassion, My aunt Stella and I share his love of art and photography, and finally My aunt Julie has his soft fine hair. He lives in all of us, and protects us everyday.

Holiday weekend recap

2006-12-25T09:45:00.000-06:00

After getting back home from my long weekend this christmas eve, I was finally able to vacuum the apartment for the first time since Cinders and I arrived. Before I 'left' this past June I had stored my 'new' vacuum cleaner in my aunt and uncles garage and I finally remembered to ask them if it was ok to pick it up. As I rearranged the furnishings to clean the floor this treasure made itself known:

Mac in black, Grandpa in green.

My mother took this photo of her brother Mac and her dad this past Thanksgiving (less than a month ago). When I went home to San Angelo not too long ago, she sent this and other photos back with me to share with her sisters. As you can see, grandpa is still as handsome and healthy and happy as ever here. In the background you can see that he was surrounded by his beautiful family. As my cousin Mannie sat holding this photo in his hands he told me that Janah (grandpas ICU nurse) thought that grandpa and his youngest daughter Julie (Mannies mom) were brother and sister rather than father and daughter. Can you see why she might have thought that just by looking at this photo?

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After a long day Friday, Manny and I braved Target to finish up some more last minute shopping and to drool up and down the kitchen isles for items to purchase in our future kitchen. Somewhere along the way I asked if he wanted to go visit Daniel my brother and see his beautiful new home. I made a quick phone call and we were on our way.

We visited Missy, Duke and Daniel, played some Conker on his xbox until Daniel finally ushered our hyper Boo-Koo / Rock-Star asses out the door saying something about Gracie kicking his ass if he didn't have the house clean by the time she got home. (((I love you Gracie!!! Daniel is a better man because of you *remember that one time you gave me that look when Daniel ate what I put in front of him, I am returning that look to you for him cleaning your home. I am so happy you have each other!! )))

Sometime around 12:30 am Saturday morning we made our way back to his parents house. We giggled our way into the kitchen, some bottles of wine caught our ADD attention spans as did the the leftover pizza ordered earlier that day. Somehow it was decided that microwave pizza and Merlot would be an AWESOME midnight snack!!!

After spending about 20 minutes searching for a cork screw (can you see where I am going with this). . . and knowing that knocking on a neighbors door at 1:30 in the morning here would result in a shot gun to the face (hey this *IS* Texas, they have the right to bare arms) . . . My brain went into creative overload. I had to have wine and I had to have it NOW and here's what happened:

I asked if there was a wood screw. We found one in the junk drawer. Was there a plus sign screw driver? Hmmm . . . yea, but it didn't have much of a handle.

Screw the screw with the makeshift screw driver into the cork. Try to keep the giggles down.

Was there a hammer claw? No. How about a vice grip? No. Where is your uncles tool chest? In the garage. Turn on the lights, they don't work. Oh look here on the floor, a copper thingie that bends into a 'V' shape!!! Perfect!!!!! You're giggling too loud!!! Your gonna wake up Noah!!!

Squeeze the screw head with the copper thingie and slowly pull the cork away from the bottle. You're laughing man!!! SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

POP!!!!!! HAHAHAHA Ok where are the wine glasses? OMG we're gonna have to drink out of shot glasses aren't we? There they are!!! Behind the faucet!!

4/5 of the way thru the bottle. . . . ZZZZZZ

We told his parents in the morning our story, they laughed AT us, not with us. It was still the best Merlot I've ever had!!

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When Santa asked me what I wanted for christmas this year, I said 'Food to eat, gas in my car, and my cel bill paid'. I'm simple this year. Santa was extra nice to me and gave me something that will be used way more than ever anticipated:

Brie, Breton & Pinot please!

Look Gir made room for his cupcake!

Gir is keeping my tootsies warm, and yes Jessica, you rocked my socks right off with this present!!! I will think of you everytime while I am wearing these awesome tootsie covers.

Santa loved us this year. Noah had a blast with the wrapping and boxes. Can you find him?

Tinkerbell on Geofrey's neck. I just know Santa's not going to be so good to me next year for this one!

Loss involves the absence of . . . grandpas

2006-12-24T05:30:00.000-06:00

I was told very late today that you can never really get over losing somebody, you only learn how to live with the loss. The reason these words were said is because around 2:30pm CST today my grandpa gave up his earthly struggles and his existence is now in another less painful place.

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I have an understanding and appreciation of the outlook on life of those that are spiritual but no matter how many times somebody (hospital staff, family, friends, people that knew my grandpa) tell *me* they are sorry, it will not bring dear grandpa back. I am not sorry he is gone because he no longer has to suffer. Now I can remember him for the man in my childhood. I chose to celebrate his life and remember all the valuable lessons that he taught me. I chose to do this with fond remembrance and with as much happiness and laughter that I can. It makes me happy to think that now I am special and have my own personal spirit watching over me.

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My grandpa loved to play golf. These past few years he has only been able to cart around with my uncle and observe while he plays his game, giving pointers such as 'keep your head down' and 'watch your swing'.

My grandpa loved to fish. He would take us on the Concho when I was a little girl and worm up our poles while we caught stuff in the river. We always released our catches, but still ~ those are some very happy memories. Today in a black briefcase treasure box at my grandparents, I saw a few photos of his silhouette in fishing gear on some lake or river. These photos are beautiful. I want copies of them on my wall some day.

My grandpa loved to bowl. I remember his collection of shoes, gloves, bags and balls at the grandparents house. I also remember when he would watch bowling on Saturday morning on his TV while my cousins, brothers and I would watch cartoons while eating cereal in the sun room. I remember smelling my grandmas cooking all while hanging out at my grandparents place and all the aunts where chatting up with grandma in Spanish and my uncles were watching bowling with grandpa and talking about men stuff.

My grandpa loved his family. I took a drive with my grandparents back in April or May this year and in their car they have many sun worn photos of their family along the dashboard and various other parts of the car. I always felt the love and pride that he had for his children just by looking at grandpas possessions.

I remember his cowboy hats, his belt buckles and ostrich boots. My grandpa is a handsome man, my grandma is a beautiful lady and they made a beautiful family. Everyone in their family shares their head turning looks. Even today in the hospital, the nurses kept commenting that he didn't look anywhere near his age, and were surprised on how old some of us really are.

My grandpa loved to paint everything with glitter, even the ceiling. He would paint his name on anything he owned, usually in glitter. He painted lots of lawn ornaments and pots for the plants for my grandma, usually with her name in glitter too. I can't remember if he painted his lawn mower, but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. I know for sure the mower cover did have his name painted on it somewhere.

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This morning, I woke up at my aunt and uncles house. My aunt left the house around 8am to get some more last minute shopping done. She was very quiet in her departure, but I watched her from under the covers, as I feigned sleep from the living room. I got up after she left, because I didn't want her worrying about making me breakfast when I knew she wanted to go shopping. My uncle came downstairs earlier than usual and I thought about running upstairs to be 'first' to take my shower, but my internet addiction got the better of me.

My nephew also wakes up and we try to get my cousin to go sleep upstairs. He was also sleeping in the living room, curled up with his xbox controller. He wasn't budging, so we let him rest as best we could with my nephew awake. Around 9:45 my aunt comes home. Her voice is shaken, she said that grandpa was going to emergency surgery and she wanted to leave ASAP.

I woke my cousin up and said lets go, it's grandpa. The four of us pile into the truck and drive to the hospital. My grandma was waiting for us alone in the waiting room, but not for long ~ as usual, we filled up the place in record time. The surgery was not going to happen right away, but it was scheduled between 1:30 and 3:30 and his nurse Janah would let us know more as the day went on. I called my mother and my brother to let them know the news.

My mother is sick, and lives 5 hours away. I recommended that she not come because she would not be able to see him in the ICU because of her sickness, but I tried to keep her as informed as possible, my brother and his wife work nights and were sleeping, but I left him VM.

Janah told me that his kidneys and liver were failing and mentioned something about acute failure of another valuable but replaceable organ, they also scheduled a dialysis later in the day, and for his surgery they would be performing their 3rd or 4th endoscopy in 3 days to determine the cause and location of his bleeding ulcer.

I couldn't say the words or ask the question "how much longer does he have". But I knew deep down that no matter her answer, it wouldn't be what I wanted to hear, that my grandpa was on a very short count down. She had also mentioned other complications, but I had heard enough, and just started nodding my head and telling her I understood. After everything, she was so nice and polite, she wanted to know if I had any more questions. I did not.

I went to my grandpa's side. His breathing was much more relaxed today and he seemed to be resting despite everything I had just been told and what I was looking at, he looked like he had a great morning. I clutched his arm and ran my fingers thru his soft hair. I know he knew who I was and I did feel that he was less tense than yesterday.

Before the surgery, Janah came out and had grandma sign some more forms about anesthesia. She said his surgeon would possibly be coming out after the surgery to let us know his vitals. This was around 1 pm. Around 2pm, I went to use the toilet and make myself some tea and as I am doing my sugar ritual I can't think enough to even open the sugar packets when my cousin comes in to tell me 'come here'.

I don't rush, I don't know why I have to come here, I'm not that interested in what was on the discovery channel in the waiting room. I take my time pouring my sugar into the foam cup, I don't bother to look at him to see how serious he is, or to see everyone of my family members standing up crowding around our surgeon in blue jeans. I take my time walking to throw away my suger packets, and as I look up, I see it all, and I feel stupid for messing around with the stupid sugar and the stupid tea and the stupid styrofoam cup.

Our surgeon tells us that he looked into my grandpas insides again and there is nothing that can be done that wouldn't be prolonging the inevitable. Our doctor made a beautiful speech that I will forever remember, but he didn't have to tell me. He said his words with confidence and with utmost reassurance that everything had been done that they could possibly do. He talked about my grandpa as if he were a close golfing buddy and not as if he were a sequence of numbers on a sheet of paper. He said that grandpa had received the kind of care he hoped to have when his time had come. He spoke to us like a friend of the family. I've long been convinced of what he was trying to tell my family and I will forever admire my grandma for the courage to make the decision that she made, which was to take him off of life support.

Back in grandpas room, my family stood gathered around him while some new hospital staff faces came quietly into the room, made their way around the machines and quietly started flipping switches and pulling tubes from grandpa. I watched as the color in his face started changing. I saw his chest same as earlier this morning in a very peaceful breathing pattern. I listened as everybody said their goodbyes. There was so much love and closeness in the room. I watched his heart rate lines fluctuate wildly until the hospital staff came in and shut off the display.

I could see my grandpa in shadow form from the corner of my eye in one of the many empty chairs putting on his golf cleats, filling his pockets with fishing lures, and filling up his magical bag ~with his name in glitter on it of course~ with golf clubs, fishing lines, bowling balls and everything else he loved. I saw his shiny belt buckle and his cowboy hat. He stood up to walk and when I turned to look at him, he was gone.

Not more than 20 minutes after our surgeon gave us the news was grandpa gone. One thing that I remembered about him was that he was always in a hurry and even in his death he wasted no time. I could just picture him rushing himself along all while mumbling loud enough so we could all hear about how excited he was about where he was gong. I know he was in a hurry to start using his new legs!! I know he was in a hurry to start that first round of golf, to catch that big fish, to bowl that perfect game, and when he could find the time paint a fence somewhere. He saw no reason to waste anymore time in his earthly body.

I am glad it happened so quickly. I am glad that in his last days he didn't seem to suffer. I am glad that all of this happened in the hospital, and not when he was home alone with grandma. I am glad he didn't have to suffer as some seniors do, alone in a hospice, or have a prolonged and slow and drawn out miserable death. Again I am forever grateful for grandmas heroic decision. I admire her strength and courage to let go. I admire her selflessness in not wanting 'that inhumane machine life' for grandpa.

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I am still going to give my blood, because there are other grandpas out there that need it. I believe all of the grandsons are going to be pallbearers. I want more than anything to photograph his services. More than anything I don't want anybody to give me dirty looks. This past weekend while grandpa was in his room and while he was passing I took pictures. One family member gave me a dirty look and gestured No. I stopped. More than one family member want copies of those images. My mother was not here for his passing, neither was her sister, neither was her brother. At the very least if they chose to ever see these images they will appreciate them for what they are and know that he was truly at peace and comfortable, even if they could not be there themselves.

I want to do this not being I am trying to be disgusting or morbid, but because I see the love and emotion and I am not the only one that wants to remember these days. I take beautiful photos. I want and most of the family want to remember these last days. Is that too much to ask for?

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As my last, please instead of telling me that you're sorry for my loss, (but my family will appreciate those words as well as any prayers or good wishes you send their way) and If your grandpas are still around when you see them again, be sure to give them a big hug for me (grandmas too) .. Grandpa had the best last days he could have had under any circumstances and he did recover, just not in the way I was hoping. He will live on on our memories with my family forever. Thank you for reading to the end.

My cousin wrote about grandpa here. Please take the time to read his as well.

Early morning wake up calls.

2006-12-22T19:45:00.000-06:00

This morning my roomate cousin came home several hours early (five am), while he usually calls me before coming home to unlatch the door, the first words out of my mouth when he called were if I had overslept. He said I had not, but that he wanted to know if I didn't mind if we made our trek down south to the rest of the family super early this weekend.

With the big holiday looming, I said sure not thinking anything out of the ordinary. When he got home he starts furiously packing and shows me that his hands are shaking, shaking to the point of ... well of me worrying. But I don't panic. I asked if he was ok and jokingly asked if he had OD'd on caffeene. He said no, just that he had lots on his mind. (must have been lots more than Cinders disappearing at midnight, AGAIN) I dismissed his shakes while he went on to pack and tell me about his night, like he does every morning. I tried to pack up as quickly as he did, but he had loaded up mine AND his stuff while I was still packing in my morning drunken stupor. Ok, something is up I think to myself ~ but me being the person I am, I don't usually ask questions. If people want me to know something they will tell me when they are ready.

We hit the road at 6am and drive south to the family hive getting in a little after 7am. Everyone in the house was still sleeping except the parents. They were getting dressed. Somebody mentioned going to the hospital.

And again the music in my life soundtrack not only screetches but it stops momentarily.

First thing I though of was my future mommy cousin, and yesterday was her birthday. I had just talked to her around 10:30pm the night before because her brother insisted that I call her and tell her happy birthday. I joke whined in my toony voice 'Wasn't her semi-made myspace b-day graphic good enough'? I called her and we had our usual short chat. I hated to think that the house was empty because she was not in it, (my stomace literally flipped) and that was why we were going to the hospital. But good news it wasn't her.

The bad news: It was our grandpa.

My cousin didn't want to tell me because he thought I might panic. What he didn't know was this was the kind of news that I can handle as I've had my share of xmas downers. If I had known, I woulda been the one driving and not him because you didn't see how bad he was shaking. Also the morning story he told me, was about grandpa and not some random patient. I stood there in the entry way, I was floored by the news.

When my cousin mentioned his patient this morning and described the exact symptoms that our grandpa had suffered. My response was that it sucked to be that family for the season and they might have a hard time ahead, but they would eventually get thru it. That is another spin I have on my life. It's not that I'm not emotional or that I don't care, but in some situations I don't see the need to get upset as it doesn't help. It won't make the bad news better. You can't think clearly if you are overly emotional. While crying does help, it doesn't really solve anything. Though I do admit, crying does help at times.

My aunt, uncle, Mannie and I drove to north Dallas to this beautiful hospital. I could tell before we went inside that grandpa was in good hands. We spent the morning waiting to see grandpa, my family filling up the ICU waiting room (as usual). In events like these its usually a mini family reunion, more so than the typical holiday meals, there is always that relative there that you have not seen in years, you have no clue who they are, but they know you (or vice versa) and you are mentioned how much you've grown and how long it's been since you were last seen. Hugs are exchanged and the huddling and laugher starts. With every family tragedy, even random good or bad hospital visits my family manages to fill the waiting room. We all sit around laughing and joking, while any other families sit and stare ahead in somber silence.

I never understood those quiet somber families. It's not that we're disrespecful, but being down doesn't ever do anybody anygood.

I wanted to hear first hand about his condition. I find it funny that as old as my cousin and I are, we still get treated as children. We started to make our way to his area a second time and the family kept saying not to disturb grandpa. I wanted to speak to a nurse, better yet his doctor (but there was no doctor to chat with). The nurse said that he his leg was looking good and healing normally (the whole reason he was in the hospital to begin with). She was giving him as much fluids as he could take, but keeping him hydrated was a bit of an issue. His bodily functions were starting to stabilize. He had also lost 6 units of blood and the reason for it was an undetected ulcer that had ruptured while he was recovering from his leg surgery.

We left the hospital, and found out a few hours later that my grandpa is doing much better but his ulcer is still being a thorn in his side they plan to keep him in ICU for a while longer, just to keep an eye on him. He's in good hands and I trust he will have a steady recovery.
I read on red cross the average person has between 10-12 units, so he lost about as much as half of his blood. That number is better than what I originally thought, which was 8 units. At the very least I asked here where I could donate my own blood to grandpa. She suggested that I go to the admin building, but she could not answer that question herself directly. This kinda annoyed me, but I know that because of the stupid hospital politics, it's not as easy as just pulling up my sleeve, taking a seat, and pulling out a pint of fresh squeedly spooch.

I also know that even if I do donate my own blood, it's not very likely that my dear grandpa will ever have it run thru his veins. They do all sorts of tests now days, for any kind of cooties such as HIV or any other blood ickys. They also check for blood cell count, plasma and platelets and other unseen micro organisms that we take for granted. Not only that they cool it off and put thru all kinds of spinny CSI type tests just to make those lab techs go oooh and ahhh. That's why they get paid the big bux!

So anyway, sometime this weekend, in between visiting grandpa, celebrating the season, hangin with family, and trying to rest, I will be making a trip to the red cross and pulling up my sleeves to give to somebody what somebody gave to my grandpa, another chance at life, and that's better than any gift out there.

shrimpies & kitties

2006-12-21T18:12:00.000-06:00

So last night I gather up my ingredients to make my yummy scampi. I use this recipe and have added a few of my own embellishments to make it my own (red peppers, grape tomato halves and fresh parmesan cheese). Trust me this recipe is one of the best ones out there, at least in my opinion. I hope if you try it out, you will enjoy it as much as I (and anyone else I've cooked it for) have.

I also made an awesome dessert of fresh strawberries and raspberries in balsamic vinegar with a touch of sugar. This photo is an archive from my flickr stuff, so there are no raspberries in it. Looking at this photo though really makes me miss my old camera. Ah well, I'll get another one eventually.

I don't have much to entertain you with today because yesterday when I was cooking my kitty Cinders decided to go on an adventure when I wasn't looking. I had the front door open when I was cooking and while she is really good at staying close when she goes out side, there is also another neighbor here that has a dog bigger than Zoey. So Cinders couldn't make it back to the safety of the house and found a really good hiding spot. I doubt the other dog or it's owner even had a clue that Cinders was out wandering about.

Well while I was cooking I heard the other dog outside, and had that little panic. I casually called out for Cinders . . . Nothing. I set my cooking tools down, and look in her usual hiding spots . . . Nothing. I ask Zoey if she knows where Cinders is, and she just gives me a cute look. I poke my head outside and call for Cinders, the dog and owner pay me no attention . . . No response from Cinders. Mannie finishes his morning routine, I ask if he can go Cinder hunting while I finish my cooking. He takes a walk around with Zoey trying to help (but we really wanted her to stay inside at this point). He looks for about 10-15 minuets with no luck.

I don't want to start to panic because that will do me no good, but she IS a black cat and for some reason people like to start shit with black cats because they're stupid and have little brain squigglies and think black cats are bad luck or something.

Right before the cooking is all done Cinders decides to come out of hiding (she was camping out in the laundry room). Mannie yells at her and she scampers the few feet back to the apartment and the door was closed so she couldn't run right back in. Ah well, at least she was safe ~ and that other dog had no clue she was ever outside.

While we were eating, we had the door open and she kept trying to sneak back out, but this time we had the compressed air can to keep her away!

Here are your pictures. There are no finished product pix but I'm sure you can understand why :) Don't forget to check out the recipe on food network.

Start out with shrimp, I prefer frozen and already mostly deveined. Take the time to remove their shells and get rid of the 'other' vein otherwise you sometimes have a sorta sandy texture with each bite ~ and yea, that's just not sexy. Add some salt, pepper and red chili flakes as well as some lemon juice to the resting shrimp. In your pan warm up some olive oil and butter, add the garlic and scallions until the scallions are translucent. Add in the shrimp and cook until they're pink. Remove and set aside to make the scampi sauce.

Here is my italian flag, chopped parsley. If you can find it, use italian parsley since it's not as heavy as regular parsley, but today I used regular parsley. Those are also chopped scallions and garlic, and in the last pic are my grape tomatos and red peppers. Yummy!

Ok, for the sauce, add some more butter and olive oil, some wine, water from the boiling pasta, and lemon juice. Bring this to a boil until it starts to thicken, then add in the rest of the linguine. At this point you can also add in the red ingredients and return the cooked shrimp to the pan. Mix it up and let this cook up until it looks like the consistency you want to eat it, for me this is about 5-7 minutes.

Add it to a bowl, sprinkle some parsley and parmesian and enjoy! Hmm, I keep forgetting to make some garlic bread. Oh well, I'll remember one day :)

Taco Tuesday!

2006-12-20T00:28:00.000-06:00

You know this isn't so bad, being away from *home* that is. I've HAD and keep GETTING these major joneses for fish ever since I got here and I keep telling myself: "Just adapt to beef damit, it's ALL anybody eats here". I mean fish was (and will continue to be a major part of my diet, I'm just gonna have to cut WAY back on the sashimi/sushi, because here you have to take out a small mortgage just to eat the stuff).

You know what? Fish is just better for you damit, but I do need to eat some more cow. See I have this problem with my iron count being way too low (like on some iron scale I'm a 9 or a 10 normally and I'm supposed to be a 12) so the cow will do me some good. Mooooo.

Anyway, on my way to the DFW area, I passed my this mom and pop restaurant in the middle of nowhere called "La Salsa", but it wasn't the food chain that I'm used to. Seeing it made me want one of their veggie bean burritos and thinking about them tasty burritos also made me think of this other restaurant called "Rubio's" who happen to have some of the best chain-food type fish tacos. Today also happens to be Rubio's $.99 Fish Taco Tuesday.

Anyway when I was planning out my menu earlier this week. I went to the fish counter at Krogers, looked at their fresh water white fish selection and saw buried under some of the other fish some seafood, a treasure of flounder!!! Could it be? Is it really there? YES!! So I ask the fishie guy for 1/3 of a lb of the treasure flounder. He wraps it up and as my cousin takes the fish from his hand, and before he puts it in the basket, he brings the wrapped fish paper up to his nose and inhales... My cousin said the fishie guy looked at him funny, I'm sure that if I saw him do that, I prob woulda smelled the fishie paper too. Of course this next moment would not have been as sweet as it was:

As it was, when I unwrapped the fish from the fridge today this wonderful aroma of fresh ocean fish filled the kitchen. AND OMG, It made me really miss the smell of the SD air. I totally miss that ocean smell and no candle or plugin in the world will ever come close to that beautiful aroma of fresh salty ocean air. This miracle treasure flounder came in really close though. The funny thing is, when ever I would cook fishies in SD, I could never understand what the TV chefs were talking about when they said to smell your fish. (I know what you're thinking with my last statement and you have a dirty mind!!!) Whenever I smelled my fish, it just smelled well like nothing.... Guess it was cause I was surrounded by that wonderful salty ocean cucumberey air. Who know's.

I had to do a little bit of leftover shopping today to pick up some missed items from yesterdays trip. I forgot the sour cream, the bread crumblies and the perfect peanut oil. Oops. I also went and picked up a cheap food processor. I've come to the conclusion that it will be the *hot* item / salsa processor or at the very least, it'll be used to grind up dry spices. Cause the blade thingie isn't solid, it's hollow which means it's gonna be a haven for nasty thingies if I happen to not wash it immediately after using it. (le sigh).

I get home, my cousin was sleeping (he work's nights) and I made the pink chili sauce. Lucky for me the blade noises didn't wake him up. The other good thing is the sauce had the chance to marinade in itself.... yummy... I also chopped / shredded up some cabbage. A side note about the cabbage. My cousin picked up this cabbage and I kid you not it was the size of a bowling ball!!!! In SD we're lucky if you get a cabbage that's the size of bocce ball (that's lawn bowling for rich old peeps). I just sat there staring at this freak cabbage, but you know what? It was soooo yummy!! I also chopped up about 5 limes into tiny wedges for the fish, the sauce and the taco garnish... mmm.. My mouth is watering again just writing this.

Chipotle Lime Sour Mayo

1 7oz can of Chipotle peppers, use only 1-2 peppers from the can (or more if you're daring)
equal parts mayonnaise & sour cream
lime juice and zest
salt & pepper
* mix in food processor and let refrigerate for about 2 hours, tastes better the longer you let it sit.

Now for the fun part. FISHIE GOODNESS!!!

Heat peanut oil to about 375 degrees.
Salt and pepper the fish and spritz with lime juice
For the fish batter mix 2 eggs and 1 TSP of fish broth (or water if you don't have broth) and soak the fish for about 2-5 minutes.
Next batter the fish in Panko bread crumbs (they say you can find these in the asian isle, but I found them hiding in the baking isle with the other bread crumbs) (and if you like Tempura, these are the same bread crumbs)
Let the fish kinda come to room temperature before putting them in the hot peanut oil
Cook for about 3-5 minutes until they're golden.
Once finished let them rest on one of those cookie baking cooling thingies, so the oil doesn't soak and cool in the fish.

Hehe, now time to play dress up with the tacos. My favorite part!!

Mannie's taco, can you tell that he really liked the chipotle sour mayo

One of my tacos. Ah the limey goodness!!

Oh yea, there's those corn tortilla thingies. Heat up some more peanut oil in a diff pan, about 1 TBSP will do, or at least enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Pop in the tortilla and flip it around for about 30-45 seconds. Any longer and you will have a fish tostada not a fish taco.

All I have to say is this meal really satisfied my fish craving (at least temporarily) and definitely settled down my little bit of homesickness. <>My fish tacos also taste better than Rubios!! < / end brag >

I was a little worried that I didn't get enough fish but Mannie said that it was likely going to be more than enough. However when I looked at the fish strip, it did look kinda skimpy. I *almost* snuck out and bought some more fish. Lucky for me (and because it was my first attempt here at this meal *another one of the foods Mannie said he really didn't care for* we almost had too much fish!! I feel really satisfied with my meal and was defiantly in no say stuffed. Even though it was fried food, it was very light and it didn't have that over powering taste of fish funk that most people complain about.

This is the 4th time somebody has said that about the fish I've made for them, and that makes me a very happy cook. Tomorrow, the ever famous shrimp scampi!!!

Filet Mignon & Asparagus

2006-12-18T22:03:00.000-06:00

Who needs restaurants when you can eat better at home? Today my 'roomate' (my cousin) and I went out to Kroger to go food shopping. I had a sorta menu planned out for the week with no intent of eating out until all our food is gone ~ leftovers and all.

Sometime a week or two ago I went out solo food shopping and got some stuff to make shrimp scampi. After I started cooking it I remembered him telling that he wasn't a really big fan of el shrimpies. Hmm... Oh well!! I thought about this for a few minuets and came to the conclusion that if he didn't like it, well then there was more pasta for me!!!

The funny thing is, in the middle of cooking it turned out that he was short a cork screw for the white wine sauce. Long story short ~ I ended up knocking on his neighbors door and asking for said cork screw, getting it and then later giving this nice man the FRESHEST leftovers you could imagine. I mean the noodles were still steaming, that's how fresh they were!!! When we came back from the weekend there was a nice note on the door about how 'awesome' the scampi was. I'm sure the nice neighbor is glad he loaned out that cork screw.

As for my cousin, I noticed that he picked a rather small portion to start off with, ATE IT ALL and I swear I saw him lick his bowl (but I can't confirm that). He then proceeded to get up, walk to the kitchen and get a heaping larger second portion, so much for not liking shrimpies eh? He then went to work and raved about the shrimpies to all his coworkers. (Who know know me as the shrimp chick, yup they know all about my scampi).

This past week I was explaining to him how I like my filet mignon's. So today we head out to the market, pick up supplies and drive home. Also this past weekend I brought back all my caphalon cookware (which is gonna make cooking SOOOO much easier!!) I was also debating on whether to leave certain pots back at my parents place, but that was like trying to decide which child is your favorite and you just can't. So I packed them all in my car and brought them all over. I'm SOOO glad I did too!!

So here I am, in this new kitchen in this new state in this new home about to prepare what I am hoping is going to be another masterpiece. I always get nervous about cooking and worry that it's gonna turn out like crap. This has only happened once before, but I ate my food anyway since it seemed such a waste to not eat my hard earned failure.

Anyway. I'm a big Food Network junkie so if you want the recipes my favorite chefs are Tyler, Giada, Alton, Michael C, Bobby and Ina. I mix and match their ingredients and add my own flair. But here's what I used for this masterpiece:

Asparagus
Balsamic Vinegar
Salt & Pepper
Garlic
Cherry or Grape Tomatoes cut in halves
(try and marinate these for at least 2 hours)

Filet Mignon, 6 oz & 8 oz pieces, wrapped in Bacon Strips, held in place with WET toothpicks
Merlot
Balsamic Vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper

Heat pan on high heat and coat with olive oil to a smoke, drop in filets & add a little merlot. Sear filets for 1-2 minutes. Prior to this turn oven to 450 degrees, add filets in pan to the oven for about 8-10 minutes. Remove and let cool; while the filets are cooling....

Add the Asparagus to the dirty filet pan on medium heat for about 5-8 minutes (so it cooks in the filet juices in addition to the greeney marinade.)

Serve and enjoy the pretties!! (Though next time I'm adding some cutsie red mashed potatoes)

Now when we were eating these goodies, we drank some of the merlot and let me tell you it went STRAIGHT to my head, but was soooooo yummy and went purfeeect with the balsamic vinegar sauces. OMG and the seared flesh off the filets with the crusties from the salt and pepper... SOOOO yummy. The filets just melted when you stabbetied them with your fork.

As for tomorrow; check out my fish tacos. I just gotta find me a cheapy food processor to make the Spicy-Cool Chipotle Cream. My mouth is already watering!!!

what do you want to be when you grow up?

2006-11-26T23:54:00.000-06:00

It's something that I think about alot, especially these past few weeks. What do I really want to do with myself? What do I want to do to make money? I've tried doing the what my hobby is as a career, but then that ended in me not wanting to do it anymore, because my hobbies became more like work, more like an unwanted obligation rather than the motivation to create beautiful works of art.

This was photography btw. While I still love to take pictures, I don't want to do it as a job.

I know I want to finish my education, but in what field ~ I can't make up my mind. As they say, I can't see the forest thru the trees. I started off in Architecture, but as I've said before they don't make the kind of money straight out of college that I want and I don't really want to be a drafter.

Then there is I.T. I hate this industry, it's the most thankless under appreciated career there is out there, but the pay.... The pay lets me live the life that I've grown accustomed to. The other thing, trying to get the correct college courses might sometimes mean that I have wait for classes. This is probably going to be my default settling choice because for me, it's all about the money.

And what about nursing? I've thought about this field from time to time, but I just don't think I really have it in me to deal with or be around bodily functions. I know *everybody* poops and pees an does other unmentionables.... but do I really want to be paid to study it under a microscope? The money is good, and people are always sick or do stupid thinks... Ever read about the darwin awards? Who do you think takes care of them? That's right, nurses!!!

There is also I.T. workers who work in the healthcare industry.... One thing that really irritates me about healthcare are the insurance companies.... and their politics. It angers me that some of the people in these professions care more about themselves or what the insurance companies dictate rather than the person suffering...

The same goes for the I.T. industry. Some geeks care more about going thru the motions of a workorder rather than solving the actual problem.

How about graphic arts? But what about how cut throat it is? It's not like any monkey can make something really unique and market it. Ever hear of starving artists? Cause we all know there is no such thing as fresh new and unique, at least not for long.. Everything now days is all about industry standards. Even the most unique artists out there end up selling out eventually, just to pay the bills and live the life they eventually grow accustomed to. Is that what I really want? This becomes more like the 'hobby as a career'. Hmm, bad idea.

Interior design? Is this the kind of job out there that actually requires me to 'sell' something, sell myself? sell carpet? manipulate people into thinking they 'need' this or they 'need' that? In my view people usually don't 'need' much of anything. They WANT it and THINK they cannot LIVE without it, or worse: that if they get what they think they 'need' that their lives will become somehow fulfilled with material possessions. That somehow if they get this or that, their lives are better somehow. This is truly an american trait. Only americans do this and because of all forms of mass media, this is starting to spread out like a disease worldwide.

What was I saying?

Oh yea, career choices.

Lets see, I could get a job on a second or third shift somewhere while I finish my college education. But what do I want as my major? Business? Mathematics? Architecture? Computer Science? Nursing? Psychology...

That's something I've been thinking more and more about. The drawback with psychology is that I'm more interested in studying it for myself and diagnosing my own problems, initially anyway. On the flip side, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to work with women like in a women's clinic or in a women's shelter like Becky's House. I really want to understand why women are self destructive or go thru detrimental relationships. I want to understand more about self esteem and self respect. I want to know why some have more than others or at least how some are able to pull off the act better than others. I think this is something I seriously need to spend time volunteering for though (rather than taking on as a career) just because I think I can't emotionally handle it without screaming at how unfair it all is.

I do want to understand more about depression, especially in women and teen girls. but do I really want to get paid for that?

Last job / career option, making toys and froo froo stuff ~ but again goes along the lines of turning a hobby into a job. So maybe not.

So really, what DO I want to do when I 'grow up'? It's looking more and more like I.T. or business.

"So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?"

2006-11-24T01:34:00.000-06:00

Seriously.

This was a pickup line relayed to me from a girlfriend of mine. I jokinly said back to her "Only if I can mix my own drinks" and the only reason I said that to her, was because in the ladies room plasted all over my stall were fliers for anti-roofies. . .

I'm in the middle of nowhere small town Texas, USA. So WHY are there flyers about the date rape drug in the toilet stalls? I NEVER saw anti-roofie flyers in any stall in San Diego. Just the sink lady(s) offering candy, gum, condoms, shooters, soap, towels, cat toys and other goodies in her magic bottomless basket. Oh wait, its cause San Angelo is THE Meth/Ice capitol of the Bible Belt, they just don't say that in their tour guides. Maybe it's because it's the drug capitol that I found these three potential hunking 'quality' manz that I just HAVE to share with you so you can laugh as much I have been in telling this story all day to my cousins, aunts, other men, friends.... (and anybody else that will listen)

Let me just start this by saying that I had a GREAT time with my friend. I'm really glad she asked me to come along with her and all the margarita type drinks we shared :) The 'men' I ran into on the other hand . . . really made me thankful to know there are quality men out there like my brother or my cousin and even her brother out there. So I know all men are not as bad as these three. . .

Man 1. Pushy, but take charge kinda guy. Dragged me to the dance floor, offering to 'teach me how to dance'. I will give this to him, he was a good dancer (I think, I only say this because I myself can't dance so anybody is a better dancer than me that point in time last night). He twirled me this way and that way, but he kept his beer in one hand while twirling me in the other. I thought he was pretty good with the switching the beer bottle trick.

(oh yea, in TX you can SMOKE inside ..... so I couldn't exactally SMELL how drunk this fine speciman of man was, until....)

The song was over and we started to walk off the dance floor, he was holding my waist and guiding me to the exit, very nice very romantic very gentleman-ly (and really made me miss that 'sense of touch' heheh) the he leans into my ear and shouts "I GOTTA GO TAKE A PISS"

Did you HEAR the record scrape? Cause I swear that boom boom in the room got all quiet.

and if I was starting to get a girly boner, he really killed it with that statement..... /chop

About five minutes later...

He finds me again, takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor. I was SOOOO glad his hands were not wet, but still couldnt resist the urge to shout at him "I hope you washed your hands". I can't say that he understood what I had said much less heard it, so when he said this next line after the dance I wasn't sad that I didnt' run into him the rest of the night.

He said something about some honey in his life... then mentioned he had a 9 month old daugher at home, and something about her bud smoking mother. Just great. All I need is some pot smoking latina coming after me thinking I want her manz. Sorry lady, you can have yo manz. I dun wan him. /oh snap!!!

Man 2. When I started talking to him, I didn't notice the OTHER side of his face and the tear shaped tattoo under his eye. Hmmm according to urban legand, that means he killed somebody, right? Just checking. So this fine hunka man leans in and shouts to me "I JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR" If I had any fuzzy dice, trust me I woulda given them to him as a parting gift for the second place runner up in most 'useless information given to Lynda tonight'. He then proceeds to tell me that the reason he bought a new car was because he wrecked his other car.

I just looked at him. I mean really, what was I supposed to say in any normal situation? Cause they never taught me that in all those fancy dating websites I've looked at. Just looking at him and grinning or smiling wasn't gonna cut it.

He continued to speak. He wrecked his car because he was too drunk to drive. He wrecked it IN FRONT of the PO PO house!!!! He tells me this like he is PROUD of his accomplishment!!!! I had not even known the guy for five minutes and he's giving me these details. . . What kind of woman is attracted to this man? Who did he go home with? and why do I care?

He asked for my number. I didn't give it to him. What I shoulda told him was I wrecked my phone.

Man 3. The icing on the cake. I'm standing next to my friend and she leans over to me, laughing "So, do you wanna get a hotel room and some beers?" WHAT, and really WHAT kind of man thinks he can even TRY to get away with asking this kind of question, or more like... DOES that line REALLY work?? and hello, I am 31, THIRTY ONE years old!!!! I'm thinking that MAYBE this man is at LEAST within five years of my age. DON'T you HAVE a house? an apartment? or are you ashamed of your roomate 'Ms. Manzmom'

Maybe its the material girl in me, cause we all know I am one ~ and I'm sure you've all figured out that it's not something I try to hide, but if you want a piece of me, you BETTER have your own place that doesn't involve living with your parents under the same roof (yea did I tell you I'm also a hiprocrite /grin, since I am now among the ranks of those that 'live with mom') (too bad she doesnt' have a basement cause then I'd be pimpin)

Anyway, after those three menz. My feet really started hurting, and I came to the conclusion that I was a loser magnet for the night so we went to chill @ whattaburger and laugh about the nightly events.

Just so you know, these are my standards, some of them can be negotiated, but there's not much room for it.

-no smokers. period. I will NOT date you if you smoke.

-no alcoholics, drinks are ok, but if you *need* to drink *alot* everyday.... then I'm never gonna make you happy, and neither are your drinks

-no more menz with kids, sorry I don't want to be second place in *anybody's* life. yes I am a selfish bitch.

-must have vehicle. I will not drive you around, unless you need to get your oil changed or your flat fixed.

-must have 'space of your own'. I don't really want to date a man with a roomate, but hey. I can appreciate that you might be saving for something more.

Notice my song? tee hee hee

it's turkey day, time to get all mushy

2006-11-23T23:01:00.000-06:00

Again with the thinking... and I've been doing alot of it recently, especially today and yesterday and trust me I have lots ot write about but I doubt that it will all fit in this single blog.

First of all with today being Turkey day and all that, I have been thinking of all that I have to be thankful for and of course I have my family and friends. Without all of you, I might have:

a) had some serious damage done to me, either self inflicted or done by a known second party

-or-

b) still be seriously miserable and alone *in* a relationship

I am thankful that neither of those horrible things happened. I am thankful that I am a much happier person today than I was a month ago. I am thankful that today I DID NOT have to eat off the $.99 menu at Jack-in-the-Box like last year and pretend I was "ok" with it when in reality I broke down and cried on the walk back to my apartment. I was really grateful that I didn't have to walk past anybody on that long walk home.

I am thankful that I have two very understanding, patient and non-judging, non-getting-involved-unless-the-child-asks parents. I am grateful that I have the most kick ass family out there, both immediate and extended. I am grateful that my mother doesn't ask me or my new sister in law "Where are my grandkids". And I'm really thankful for my wonderful new pro-pet-as-a-grandchild-sister-in-law. Because now I don't feel like such a freak for choosing to NOT have kids. I'm glad my mother was happy with having Carlo-the-Iguana as a grandchild (at one point).

I am glad I have a crazy kitty like Cinders in my life and glad that she puts up with being stuck in her carrier and going from bedroom after bedroom or bathroom or wherever small place I can keep her with me close by. I'm glad I could finally tell my mother how much the Cindercat means to me and that she understood why I can't just let the Cindercat go. I realized the other day that I've had the Cindercat as long as me and my first marriage crumbled.

(Which happened on December 6, 1996 btw and Cindercat joined me in August 1997) (Her name is Cinders cause I burned her whiskers with a lighter, plus she's all-black) (true story)

So Cindercat and me have had plenty of adventures together and she's not going anywhere, except with me! I'm glad that she still wakes me up in the morning with her potent CinderLick. I think it's adorable that she sits in my lap (and yes I know it's dangerous for both of us) when we go on our car trips. I'm glad that she's an affectionate kitty and she seems to melt most cat-hater hearts.

I said most, not all cat-haters.

I am thankful for the patience that I have when I want to scream because I am used to peace and quiet. Because someone gave me a *tip* earlier this year when I was frustrated with a person in my life. All I wanted them to do was SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to know how to make them shutup without starting a fight, and my *tip* was just "Say OK." So I tried it, and it has worked with far better results what I would have ever expected on multiple occasions!!!

Those two little letters have stopped many situations from blowing up more than they would have this past month.

I am thankful that my mother was able to pull off both giving me roots and giving me wings. I found my wings long ago and I'm just now starting to find my roots (maybe because I came home) and I know why I am the way I am. Because of these roots, I hope to not make the same mistakes over and over. Because of my wings I am glad that I was able to experience my life as it has played out so far and hope to have many oportunities to use them again.

I'm glad I have the following people in my life, in no special order:

Mom - for trying, for being there when I need you. for listening.
Dad - for not asking questions.
DRH - for the loving relationship we have
GVH - for finding somebody close to me that makes you happy
MAV - for picking up where we left off, no judgement, but smarter and wiser, and able to share battle stories and compare notes. for a sounding board. for all the advice.
JDV - for trying to find yourself, for being my cheerleader. Listen to your heart and know that I'll love you no matter what you decide.
JV - for explaining your reasons.
TM-(G) - for those four hour phone calls cause we just can't get to Starbucks in Mission Valley no more.
DSA - for listening to me bitch on more than one occasion until 4am on the foot of your stairs. For giving me points of view I would have never thought about. For offering to care for CinderCat again.
ADK - for staying. period. for cooking *all* (and I mean all, especially that snow pea chicken all those years ago, even though I didn't eat it) those wonderful meals that we used share and discuss everything or sit in silence and be comfortable. For the cranberry oatmeal cookies that made me cry (in a good way cause it showed just how much you really cared) cause you saved some for me.
AH - also for those four hour phone calls, and for laughing with me AND for laughing AT me. If you didn't I never would have laughed at myself, for your sense of humor cause you appreciate my crassness. For never saying ' tell me how you really feel' when I do say how I really feel, explicitives and all.. For sharing your stories of your life with me so I can do the same for you.
RW - For all the entertainment and those hunky firefighters and beautiful boys in your life to look at. For your private messages that show me how much you really care. You've made my day on multiple occasions.
VG - For asking 'do you remember me', cause I could never forget you, and I'm grateful for the time we still get to spend together
TW - for listening, for encouraging, for asking, for all the updates.
JJV - cause you listen and really care even though we don't really know each other

For my own understanding that my situation is going to be what I make of it. I choose not to be unhappy anymore. I realize that this chapter in my life can be as short or as long as I want. I will find the best possible outcome I can. I have the support group to help me thru this.

I love you all and hope your turkey was as delicious as mine. I am thankful for my new extended family I was able to share it with today.

so yea,

2006-11-20T19:40:00.000-06:00

It's been a week and I still have all these emotions going thru my head. My trip was uneventful and smooth. I spent 21ish hours driving from the wild wild west to wild wild west texas.

The cats did pretty good after I got out of San Diego so I let them out of the carriers and Fatty pretty much just found one place and didn't move from his location the entire trip. No pooping no drinking no eating, just sleeping. Good boy!!! Cinders on the other hand decided to run away twice in Yuma..... Where she was going only she knows but she gave it a good try, twice. After that I stuck her ass back in her kitty carrier and wrapped it in a blanket so she wouldn't get anymore crazy ideas.

In El Paso the wind decided to kick up and I'm not exaggerating here, seriously the wind was blowing about 60+ MPH. At the time I only estimated it to be around 40MPH.... But when I got knocked over just walking from my car to the cashier I knew something was up. Didn't matter, since the wind seemed to be pushing my car along.

Let's see, Fatty went back to his original mommy, I'm gonna miss his pretty eyes... His name reverted to Prince, but to me he's always gonna be Fatty. >^..^< Cinders is still with me. I feel bad for her since she's been stuck in one room or another for a little over two weeks now and she's used to having like 20+ hiding places. About the only place she has to hide now is under the bed and as soon as I walk in the room she gives up her hiding spot.

My feelings are still everywhere... One minute I'll be really happy and two minutes later I have tears welling up in my eyes. I'm thinking it's cause I've got way too much time on my hands here in San Angelo. You have no idea how boring it really is here..... My parents are internet-less, but they do have cable TV. I have no video games aside from my GBA and both of those games I've beaten...>< I did finally find an internet cafe so I no longer have to drive all the way to my aunts ranch just to use her DSL line.

Basically, I have no interest in going to a bar just to find some tobacco chewing cowboy. If you want to eat anywhere "nice" here they have like an hour wait... Hello!!! it's OLIVE GARDEN!!! The mall..... Dillards was nice. Movies... nah, not til I get some sort of income anyway, for now it's just frivolous spending. Basically I'm doing alot of sleeping and let me tell you I am WELL rested. I can't even take pictures cause everything out here is dead, plus I only have my film camera... not exactly 'free' like them nice shiny digitals.

Heh, so here I am whining about it.

Somebody slap me!!

In the meantime on Thursday I'm going to DFW finally. I'll be staying with family for a little while. Hopefully I'll find work quickly, hopefully something permanent.... and I can move out and give Cinders more than one room to roam in. Unless I get a studio / loft or as they're called out here... efficiency apartments lol. Then Cinders is still in one room, but at least she doesn't have to hide from the doggies or allergic people.

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm healthy, I am happier. I'm smiling a hell of a lot more than I was a month ago.

Which popped in my head.. I've been getting strange phone calls (2 of them) One was last week when I was driving @ 6am TX time.. from 'private caller'. Nobody answered. I got another call from the 858 area code... but they hung up before I even answered. I got a few IM's from random people too. But don't worry, I'm not gonna fall for it or respond to them. I just wanted to bitch about it.

I'm guilty of wanting too much too fast. It's my own fault I am where I am and it took me six years to get here. I hope it doesn't take six years to get out of this hole. I have a very long road ahead of me and from here it looks like it's all going to be uphill. It's funny though because I am setting small goals for myself, and while right now some of these goals seems trivial and simple they are very hard to accomplish.

Example? Well on my laptop when I moved here last time, I kept my time set on Pacific Time. As soon as I got here last week, the first time I turned on my laptop I changed the time and then I called my cousin and shared this information with him. This is what I mean by trivial goal. It was REALLY HARD for me to do this, I actually got emotional when changing my time zone and clock. Even when I told him about this I felt my voice crack, but I shook it off!!! :) He then proceeded to share with me some of his accomplishments with his moving on stages.

I still need to change my address. I hate pumping gas here, since my zip code is not local, I keep having to go inside to pay... /grumble

I'm lazy about changing it though since all of it is paperless. So I don't have to worry about my bills showing up at creepo's house. I should change them anyway for piece of mind....

Speaking of which, I just did it all online. Go Me!!

And another thing. I can't call any of the convenient Verizon phone numbers from here.... UGH!! So I paid my bill a few days late. Hopefully no late charge will pop up.

I wanna get my new license and transfer my car plates / insurance over here. That's gonna have to wait a little while though. Like prob a long while since the insurance was just paid in full this past July, and my license is good until 2009. But still having new shineys will be nice.

Blargh... these damn emotions. I want to get off this roller coaster!!!! See what I mean about these feelings?

a reason to celebrate

2006-11-13T16:14:00.000-06:00

While it has not quite been one full week since I left it is still a mile stone. I survived the first day. Now I've survived the first week. My next celebration will be the first month. While I am not quite on my own, I am out of that horrible relationship and that is filling me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

With that said my car is all packed up. The cats are busy hiding from the carriers in the room and will eventually come out and smell them. The benadryl is also ready to be fed to them so I won't have to listen to their howls on this long trip.

I'm gonna take a nap for now and the next time I sleep in a bed will be in another state. I'll be ready to start my new life.

my feelings are everywhere

2006-11-13T11:14:00.000-06:00

Don't you just hate that antsy feeling? That feeling you get when you have a plan and can't wait to get things rolling. I feel that right now. I've made up my mind about what I want to do and what I want out of my life; now I can't wait to get started.

I decided to leave tonight.

This past Friday I spoke to a recruiter in the DFW area and after getting off the phone with her I felt as high as a kite. Let me tell you even if nothing comes out of that conversation that we had, speaking with her gave me more HOPE than I've felt in a long time. I can't wait to get to DFW and start knocking down doors in their job market. That's assuming that I get a job, which is what I meant when I said in case our conversation never goes anywhere.

However this morning as I was getting out of the shower, I got another call on my cel from a recruiter here in the SD area. She had a job she was offering me and she wanted me to start TODAY!!! The pay that was offered was decent, but as I looked around the bedroom with my piles of *stuff* that looked like I was slumming because I have no place to put it except on the floor. I looked in the mirror at the towel wrapped around me that wasn't mine. I was overcome with anger that I had taken a shower in a stall that was not my own. I asked her if I could call her back in 5 minutes because I had no idea that anybody but Sam could make my blood boil so quickly.

I was angry with the recruiter that she called me a week too late. I was even more angry that I've been here five months and this was the FIRST offer I've had since I've been here. I was angry with myself for being wet and vulnerable and answering the phone from a number I did not recognize. I was angry with my displaced stuff on the floor in this bedroom of order and perfection. I was angry that my life is upside down and it's my fault for making bad decisions. Decisions I laugh about when I hear that strangers and fictional characters do the stupid things I am now guilty of.

Say it with me: hypocrite. Yep that me all right. Me.

I AIM'd a few people wanting their immediate feedback. I had already made up my mind to turn down the job, but I always want the reinforcement that I am about to make the right decision. I called the owner of the shower, but no answer and I remembered them telling me about going to the doctor. I also talked to my cousin and mom both of whom were in agreement to just 'come home asap'. One thing I have learned about myself just recently that if I am looking for feedback, it's a good sign. It's bad when I make a decision and tell nobody of it.

I gathered my composure and called the recruiter back. I politely thanked her for the offer and for considering me but that I was going to have to turn her down. I mean even if the job was for two weeks, I'm not going to get paid for at least three if not four weeks. I want to go home NOW. I'm tired of living the way I have been for the past week.

While I am thankful for the opportunity to say here in San Diego a bit longer just so that I can say my goodbyes to my friends, but I don't like this feeling of displacement. I don't like that I am not a "guest" like when you have friends that are visiting for the week and those friends will eventually go back to their own "home". If anything I feel like and I am an inconvenience to somebodys lifestyle.

I want to go home. I want to be with my family. I want to start over. I want to start recovering. I want to put this all behind me. I want to forgive myself for making such stupid decisions. I want to get a home where I can eventually sleep in my own bed or on my own couch and bath in my own shower stall. I want to just _________ (fill in the blanks cause I want to be in control of my own life!!)

But first I have to change the oil in my car and fill it up with a full tank of gas. I have to get more food for my kitties and litter too. Last I need to repack my car so it's as comfortable as can be for the long drive ahead.

I can't wait to get started. There is hope. I feel it.

rambling

2006-11-11T23:07:00.000-06:00

I've been staying at my friends place since Monday evening and I knew when I started this new journey that this stop would be a short one, like really, really, really short. Like so short that I plan to hit the road on Tuesday (just not sure of WHEN on Tuesday) but Tuesday none-the-less.

But anyway I was given alternate options so that I could stay in San Diego longer, but I really do feel that my time here has long past it's expiration date even before this last Monday. Also judging by past experiences and the history of certain men in previous life, well I'll just say it bluntly: I don't feel safe here.

Both physically and because I have also been known to fall back into stupid old habits (so in this sense I don't feel safe from myself, because I always fell for his tricks). I don't physically feel safe because Sam is just a creep. I'm sure that he will use the people that he knows (people like his police friends) to track me down and find out where I decide to move to, that is if I were to stay here. He's harassed me on my cel and at work in the past. The man also know's how to pick locks. I'm not saying that I have proof that he's ever broken into my home before but he has invaded private information. I won't even bring up how his methods of finding out that stuff because those are pretty creepy stories themselves.

So here I am, just waiting for the harassment to begin. . . and the more time that passes the safer I feel. The more hope I feel that he will really leave me alone this time, because it was never ME that wanted him back, it was always him WANTING me back in HIS life. I overlooked too many things. I ignored too many signs

I feel the anger rising again, and this is supposed to be a blog about hope...

I would hope to think that after having lived thru so much emotional and physical pain and suffering that I know that no matter what kind of monetary compensation he *was* able to provide it never made up for what he couldn't give to me in a normal loving and emotionally nurturing environment.

Hopefully I will remember the pain of this relationship and FINALLY learn that "IT BURNS WHEN I STICK MY HAND IN THE FIRE". As opposed to the six or more previous times before when I always forgot the pain. I always ignored all other warnings and signs of impending doom that no matter how miserable I ended up that the shineys that I was compensated with somehow made up for it. I clung to those stupid shineys. Well I got no shineys to show for now. Those shineys were a low price to pay for the damage to my self esteem and the detrimental damage to my soul.

I thought of that when I was walking in Bed Bath and Beyond today when I realized that the world is moving on and it's yet ANOTHER christmas season and it's really not the end of the world. And as I walked up and down the isles I had a sudden urge for home made apple cinnamon and caramel cider. Well I'll be... Guess what? My cappichino maker that I've had for 14 years... Guess what? That's ALSO one of the victims of my tornado relationship. My capachino maker, it's GONE! So this year I'll have to settle for one of those crappy creations from Starbucks. Yuck.

I mean... YUM!! It will taste so much better knowing that I have a NEWER BETTER SHINIER capachino maker to go shopping for in the future (even if I *ONLY* use the damn thing around holiday season) and hey, it's 15 years old, I'm sure this new one will clean my counters for me or something, Right? psssht! dream on. or as the milky way girl would say "whatev!"

So there, that was a little bit of hope, and even a goal. Even if it is a material goal with no thought of any realistic priorities.

I had one person tell me that I should go and get my stuff back. But I don't want it, because if I have to deal with Sam again in anyway then he gets what he wants. He gets the attention from me. He gets the control. The more and more I think about the time that I did share with him, the man NEVER went out to do anything with anybody, ever.

He watched football at home, he never went over to *his buddies* to watch a game, never went out socially, ever. The relationship with his kid. . . I never understood. Because unless I probed him about spending time with her, she was never over and she NEVER told him about parent-teacher nights, which was funny because I knew when they were just by looking at her school calendars.

You might think that just by my writing that he's getting some form of control and attention, but If I don't document this in some way, then I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again. Yes I know I am complaining or feeling sorry for myself or venting or bitching, but my soul needs to throw up. I'm so tired of holding it all in. I'm so tired of not knowing why I'm angry much less where to direct my anger.... I'm so tired of being confused and wondering what I did to deserve this or worse if this is what I deserved. I'm so tired of holding on to this sickness. I'm so tired of being at the bottom.

I want to move on. I want to put this all behind me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to smile again. I want to be around people that love me for who I am. I want hope.

Do I have a point you ask? I started out with one, but I can't keep a straight thought in my head.

Is it that obvious? Glad it's not just me that thinks that.